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by jess Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ · Chapter · Dark · #1725840
the things we desire most may not be as great as we previously anticipated....
Jay couldn’t help but look around, and what she saw awed her. Upon the walls, in beautiful frames were rows upon rows of pictures, Old black and white images of men, not much older then boys, all geared up with a gun slung over their shoulder, and sad dismal expressions. One frame was of just a man, he wore a serious expression and eyes that shone brighter then a thousands suns. “Was that you?” Jay asked with curiosity.
    The old man walked over from his recliner to stand next to her. “Yes,” he said.
    He pointed to a photograph, of two men with their arms around each other, cigars in their mouths. She recognized Robert, with his cocky grin and bare chest, he seemed content enough. His companion, though, was less familiar, yet the familiarity startled her. “That’s my brother,” he said at last, interrupting her furious thinking.
    The old man continued. “He died. Killed in action, shot in the chest twice by a Jap.”
    “Oh.”
    “So what’s ‘botherin you Jay, I know you didn’t come to keep an old man company.”
    She sighed, and sat down on the old couch that had surely seen brighter days. Fighting back tears, she looked at the old man with as much envy as she could muster. “Sometimes I think you got all the breaks Mr. Hickham. With your wife, you knew she was never coming home. There were never false hopes of possibly seeing her again, you knew.  And I think the unknown is much scarier then the known. When I was young I so stupidly believed Danny was okay, and he was just lost now, and one day we’d find him, and our lives would be okay again. Like the way it was before,” she laughed, “stupid, I know.”
    Mr. Hickham must have found her statement really absurd, for he shook his head with vigor. “No no, not stupid. Part of human nature to refuse to believe the truth, for the truth is quite often a negative thing. Love blinds us.”
    “Then hell I have one helluva impairment! Call a doctor! Quick! I’ve gone Helen-Keller so it seems over night!” She laughed at her own joke, and even the old man seemed amused.
    “What’s more, Dell left, bringing Coop with her,” she continued on, more serious now.
    “And who are they?”
    “Dell was to be Danny’s bride and Coop’s her boy, Danny’s son.”
    He nodded, wearing a look of apparent pity and remorse on his wrinkled, sagging face. By the pictures Jay had gathered him to be a handsome man in his yesteryears; however age had virtually eliminated all evidence of beauty. Or perhaps beauty wasn’t a part of his life before old age struck, perhaps the war had ravaged him more then she previously thought. The war had supplied him a beautiful bride, Elizabeth Dyllan, who was to later be killed by a deranged psychopath hell bent on destroying the lives of families already with previous afflictions; veterans of the great war way before his time. He was deemed the WW2 Killer by the public, and seventeen victims later he was at last captured. Seventeen people who didn’t have to die, their deaths on the behalf of too-slow police officers. There are a lot of wrongs with the world, and Jay couldn’t help but place the police in that category. God knew, she had reason to; they had failed her, her family, and Danny. Especially Danny; their bright boy who had much more life to live then the too-short life he was granted in the end.
    Still with that silent look of horror she had come to known—and despise—the old man got up from the raggedy recliner and sauntered off to the kitchen. Once there he grabbed two glass cups from a shelf and placed them with much more force the necessary onto the countertop. He was old, but she supposed even the old could have sudden acts of anger, and that was precisely what this was. He couldn’t be angry because of the news she just told, for he didn’t know the people her tale revolved around, but he could be angry about the sudden on-rush of memories Jay’ bringing up Lizzy’s murder was sure to cause. That was mistake, sure she had planned on discussing her grief, but never once did she plan on mentioning his grief. Once it was out, she knew she had done wrong in doing so, but there wasn’t much she could do but await a reply then—if there was to be one. And for a fleeting, hard-pounding moment she was sure there wasn’t going to be one, then he opened his mouth, and she knew she was going to be okay. She knew exactly how hard it was discussing these matters, and all the pain it caused when it was mentioned. His run-in with death ensued over forty years ago, he had been twenty-seven when death knocked on his door, but yet the death of your wife wasn’t easy to disregard for even a moment, especially since he had lost two brothers prior.
    Now the old man was pouring a dark liquid from a pitcher into the glasses. Tea. He handed her the glass, smiled apologetically, and strode out of the room and back to the recliner he favored. “How can that even be comfortable, Mr. Hickham, I mean the chair’s in tatters and it just doesn’t seem real comfortable.”
    He took a long sip of iced tea, and then sighed. “All I can afford.”
    “We-ll, ‘coulda fooled me. ‘Sides don’t your children take care of you? Give you money, buy you gifts, such as a new recliner, from I don’t know, this century perhaps?”
    His eyes were closed, but she could tell he was listening, for a little grin appeared. Then he spoke, eyes still closed.                  “Nope. They have their own lives, don’t need me.”
    “Of course they do. Everyone, even grown ups, need a father,” this brought new tears to her eyes, and re-opened new wounds, damn she was a mess today.
    He made a sound, passable for a laugh she supposed. “I think their crazy, ‘outta their mind—your kids I mean—just what I’d do for a daddy again…….,” she said wiping tears from her eyes. 
    “You don’t have a dad? Why last time I checked, you did. What happened?”
    He was awake now, and sitting up.
    “Walked out, a couple years back. He and my mom were constantly fighting, what with Danny being gone, they accused one over the other over whose fault it was, you know the drill. One day he couldn’t take it anymore, and walked out, never to return. Hell the old fool doesn’t even have the balls to admit he has kids anymore.”
    Hickham shook his head at this, and Jay swears she heard him mumble “coward”, but she couldn’t be sure.
    “We-ll, I should go. It’s late. But it was nice talking to you Mr. Hickham; I needed to tell someone—someone who’d understand ya know? Any who, bye!” She flew out the door in a rush, anger flaring up inside her. Anger towards the world, and anger towards the man she once was proud to call ‘dad’. 
   

Jay flung open the door in a flurry of rage.  Jay seldom discussed her dad, but when she did anger swept over her and to others the sudden outburst was unconceivable, like her mom. It was one of the unspoken rules: do not discuss your father. And to others the remorse she felt for her father was concealed behind her false façade. Not to say some of those smiles weren’t genuine as opposed as forced, for that’d be a real blow to those that made it their life mission to achieve just a glimpse of that smile. She believed she owed them, for all they had done for her, what was the harm in one false smile? Eventually those false hoods began to add up, until Jay’s whole life was one big lie. And who’d want to live like that? The truth, the object of her mother’s distress, was that Jay simply wasn’t over her fathers leaving, and she defiantly wasn’t over her brother’s disappearance. And up until the other day her lies hadn’t been apparent. Her mother had thought she efforts in molding the family into its original happiness were one big success, with the occasional tears here and there. But that was to be expected, you can’t prevent the inevitable, tears were bound to be shed, but at least wounds were closed. Or so she thought.
    She knew she was engaging in risky behavior, yet she couldn’t turn her back on her brother now. Something was terribly wrong, and jeopardizing her mother’s peace of mind didn’t seem as substantial an absurdity in comparison to pulling the plug on her brother. He was alive, that much she knew with absolute certainty.
    He was out there somewhere. Not alone. Not helpless.
    And Jay didn’t intend to stand idly by on the sidelines.

   
“You hear the news?” At the mere mention of ‘the news’ Jay’s heart plummeted, and her shoulders sank in defeat as she prepared herself for hell itself.
    Ty Reynolds continued on, oblivious to Jay’s somber expression and mournful stance. “Okay get this–ya know the body they just found–it was completely drained of blood. Freaky huh?”
    Jay nodded with much vigor. She turned her head, trying her very best to conceal the sudden onrush of tears. The desire to hide her pain shocked her, especially in front of Ty. Ty Reynolds had been there for her though it all, he’d witnessed enough tears shed to fill an ocean. And he was the one she sought comfort in when her mom’s depression was at its peak, when more often then not the only happiness granted was booze induced. Ty had held her, caressed her, whispered sweet nothings in her ear, and it seemed to work. He had that special touch, that magic when used correctly, to sooth her jarring soul, and to calm her spirits. It bothered her to see the way he looked at her, with such love and compassion and she had nothing to offer in return. No favorable compromise for both parties to enjoy, so for the moment she just enjoyed his company, love matters put aside for a few moments of peace and serenity. The visit was peaceful until Ty talked of the one thing Jay had tried to force out of her mind. The news was upsetting, but greatly so because she knew deep down that her brother had contributed to that man’s death. Whether the contributing factor was meager or not, he was undoubtedly involved. However, like anyone who’s loved one committed a sinful act, Jay didn’t believe for a moment that her brother was capable of such things. He had always been sweet, and gentle, he never dared lay a hand on someone, it was beyond his capabilities. Some people could beat their wives; shoot a stranger, all without a second thought and no remorse whatsoever, but not Danny. Danny would rather die himself then harm another. So this man’s fatality and lack of blood post-mortem was unimaginable, to her mother, and to Jay.
    Ty continued to curse under his breath, but Jay heard none of this, her mind was elsewhere, and her anguish becoming more and more obvious. At last Ty was struck with reality, and it hit him hard.
    “Oh Jay, honey what’s wrong?” Jay revealed her face at last, by now her eyes had become swollen and puffy, her nose was running, and tears slid down her face, in all aspects of the word, Jay McEvans was a mess. However, here was her knight in shining armor, and he seemed all to pleased to help out.
    Jay gathered her words, sorted them carefully, and then spoke her voice barely audible above the smooth murmur of voices and the low droning of music in the background. The small café was packed, but no one seemed to pay the young girl crying much attention, as if it wasn’t such an odd occurrence, as if crying patrons were common among the café’s small confines. “Its just……it’s just so sad, what they did to that poor guy.” Satisfied with the answer Ty nodded as he wrapped his arms about Jay. She eased into his muscular frame impeccably, everything about Jay was perfect to Ty, from the way she giggled to the way she fit in his embrace.
    So there they sat, in two folding chairs pushed together, Jay being held, Ty holding, among that of other couples sipping lattes and discussing weather. This was not what Ty and Jay found themselves discussing moments later when she finally peeled herself from Ty with enough reluctance to make her wonder.
    “Jay,” he was saying now, “what is it?” Oh he was so intuitive, he knew her so well. Which at a first glance posed a bit of a problem, but Jay quickly found herself immensely glad that he had taken the time to learn her ways, to know when she was lying, and what appalled her, and what brought her to tears. He knew what boundaries weren’t to be crossed and knew how far he could push it with out her disapproval. He could hold her, but no kissing whatsoever, that’d be pushing it. However, she was at lost for words, having never dealt with the repercussions of lying, for she had never lied. And especially to this extent and she knew she couldn’t tell the object of her despair. So she’d just be piling lie upon lie. Oh how she hated this!
    “I can’t tell you. Ty I’m really sorry……” Ty nodded as if he understood, as if he too was hiding something, and perhaps he was. Jay and Ty’s relationship seemed to be solely based upon Jay’s latest predicament, and Ty helping her get out of the bind and for awhile Ty seemed content enough in playing the role of the gallant knight. That is, until he began to feel things other then pity and friendship for the beautiful grief stricken women. Of course he was unable to profess his increasing love and desire for her, after all didn’t she have enough problems on her plate? He knew that better then anyone, so of course he tried to secrete the feelings, although he suspected she knew. She was a beautiful women, with her strawberry blonde hair that cascaded past her breasts in easy waves, and her eyes, so blue, and always round with curiosity. He adored those eyes in every way, filled with hope, love, and the ever present bewilderment, yet serious when the need presented itself. Yet beneath the beautiful exterior lay a strong women who had seen far too much in her years, a women who developed with prompt urgency, as if her life depended upon a hasty maturity, and in a way it had. A women who was beyond caring for anyone, as if the whole idea frightened her, as it should, she’d lost someone she cared for deeply. Since then she’d been guarded, only allowing few people into her life, only those who’d she’d known and trusted prior.
    Ty had been Danny’s best friend, and as distraught as he was by the loss, he thought it suitable that he look over Danny’s sister, thinking that Danny would want that. As he should, after the loss Jay’s mother had been so into her own sadness that she forgot to help Jay through hers, and almost immediately Jay found herself in the situation alone. So Ty took on the role of big brother, it wasn’t as sweet as the maternal type, but he fit the role almost impeccably. Of course he never voiced his new role, the McEvans weren’t looking for a replacement for their son. Anyways, if they had they would of never found one to fit the standards they set, Danny was a unique kind of guy, one impossible to replace. So in their hearts he stayed, and in their memories he remain, as lively in death as he was in life.
    Now, looking into those eyes, blue as ever and rimmed with tears, Ty realized he loved her. It was love what drove him to his next move, the move his heart anticipated every moment he spent with her, the move that would drive him away from her forever, or so he’d assume.
    He kissed her. It was so easy, she was in his arms, staring up at him as if he had all the answers, tears sliding down her face, then he leaned forward and planted one right on her lips. And to his amazement, she kissed back, as warmly as he had. She didn’t dare pull away, her desire for him was too strong, and frankly the idea wasn’t the least bit tempting.
    “I’m sorry…….” Ty said, completely contrite. He wouldn’t go against her wishes, but he didn’t regret the kiss either. It had only solidified the love he felt, as well as sealing his fate.
    Jay giggled, which seemed out of place at the moment, but she couldn’t help but giggle. She had liked the kiss, hell she had secretly been wishing he would, and now he did, and was looking at her as if he had killer her mother. “Oh Ty, quit looking like you just killed someone.”
    “So your not mad?” The question was dripping with amazement, and Jay felt the burn. She knew her brother had caused her to withdraw from those around her, and for awhile Ty had been included in that mix. What dissuaded this plan was Ty himself, he had been so kind, so sweet, and he’d been there when her parents hadn’t. She had proved that blood wasn’t as thick as water.
    Jay shook her head, and smiled. Relief immediately washed over Ty’s features, the gesture not lost on Jay. She knew he loved her, it was seemingly obvious, she just wished she could do something about it. Perhaps love him back, like other women could fall hopelessly, irrevocably, head-over-heels in love. However love was an emotion better left out of Jays life, sure she loved her mother, and she the love she felt for her brother was still as strong as steel, but beyond that she felt nothing. Even for the man she had once called ‘dad’, once she had felt hatred, but that feeling diminished once his presence was indefinitely removed from her inventory of memories. Majority of the memories were that of Danny, but there were a few glimpses of a life like the one she was living now; in Ty’s arms, he smoothing back her hair, and her balling like a baby, confessing her latest worries. He had been who she’d run too when a small snap shot of that blue eyed boy would cross her path, or when his name was mentioned in hush undertones, as if Jay couldn’t hear. It was the small things that got to her, yet she couldn’t imagine a life without that name, and the memories to follow. With Ty she found she could have both; the memories and happiness.
    Now, Ty was looking at her funny, with his devilish, reckless grin and that sparkle in his eyes. And Jay found it impossible not to reach out and touch that smooth face, to tousle that black hair, that more often then not fell in loose tendrils into his eyes, which she found sexy. Admittedly his whole rough and rugged look, dueled with his happy-go-lucky demeanor, and topped with the kindness that radiated off of him like a super nova, appealed to her. And admittedly the desire she felt for him burned stronger then she herself was able to let on. For years she had convinced herself this kind of thing couldn’t happen, and if for whatever reason it had, she’d immediately abort all feelings. As if such a thing was humanly possible. She was twenty, and was unaware of the feelings of love and the power it possessed, having never allowed such trivial things into her life. So instead of taking that leap of faith, she simply tuned into to other matters, matters of much more importance. Matters that were almost guaranteed to bring her to tears once more, and into Ty’s arms…….
    She got up from the chair, gathered herself, and ran out the door.
    She didn’t know where her legs would take her but she knew it had to be sweeter then in that café, with the man she had denied feelings for. You could cloak it all you want, deny it, profess it, but it was still love no matter how you diced it.
    She ran because running was most familiar to her, and frankly if she’d stay even a moment more she would have broken down and kissed him. Which was not her plan, a kiss was not in order, not now, and perhaps never, she thought bitterly. “Coward,” she mumbled out loud as her long toned legs took her places she herself had never journeyed to. She had lived in this small town placed on the outskirts of Tennessee, her whole life but had never ventured far from home base, that is until Danny died. She recalled with great clarity the little voyages they used to take, thinking themselves so cool having biked from point “a” to point “b”, all without the consent of their parents of course. However, when they arrived home, satisfied with themselves and perfectly content, they couldn’t help but share their joy with their parents. Their father would simply tell them to be more careful next time, as if they had suffered a traumatic near death experience, and their mother would smile as if enjoying a private joke she’d only understand. But that’d been years ago, and the town had grown substantially as if over night. Where farms were once overpowering, they now dotted the area, where once their were tall oaks and lively blooming flowers in which deer and small game happily pranced, replacing it were subdivisions and  strip malls. Lovell had lost its country charm, sure the odor of horses and cows filled the air, farmland still seemed in abundance and people still spoke of God as if they knew him personally. But somehow Lovell was lacking something, something it’d had prior.
    Innocence, Jay thought with impending dread. Murder in a small faming town such as Lovell was unheard of, and a murder as brutal and vial as this one. Although this one murder had sent the town in an uproar, Jay was sure Lovell’s losing of all innocence occurred when Danny went missing. Why had the people showed such remorse for one corpse when they’d showed none when Danny went missing? Was a corpse what was necessary for people to lock their doors at night, and to approach strangers with more caution? For precautions to be taken someone had to be drained of blood for one to understand that the world wasn’t such a sweet place after all?
    These were all lessons Jay had learned at an early age, lessons that came with an immense toll on her being of course, but in a way she was glad she’d learned to always second guess someone and to be cautious. She was nothing if not careful. “Beyond careful,” she mumbled regrettably as she slowed to a stop, amidst cars and shoppers juggling bags and phones, looming above her stood a small crumbling building. Hanging baskets hung from the corners of the rectangular building, obviously tended to regularly. In black scrawl above the door were the words ‘ANNIE’S BOOKS’. Without a second thought Jay walked in, as if gravity itself pulled her into the bookstore. And in a way it had, something had. Perhaps mere curiosity, or perhaps some dark force was contributing to her sudden on rush of appreciation for books.
    For whatever reason, Jay found herself amongst bookshelves, comfy recliners, and the sweet aroma of brewing coffee. The books proved to be used, but still in great condition. Obviously this Annie cared about her buyers and had a great adoration for books. Jay was immediately drawn to the books, books about love, books about death, books about the paranormal, books about fairy tales and princesses. One book in particular though drew the most attention, the title read ‘GONE WITHOUT A TRACE’. She picked up the paperback, old from overuse, turned it over and began to read the book’s summary. “Good book,” a voice said from behind her. Jay whirled around, an expression of mixed fury and astonishment plastered on her face. Her left hand was curled in a fist, ready for whatever this stranger had to give.
    “I’m not going to hurt you,” he said his voice smooth and sexy, yet it held a hint of malice. That little hint was enough to scare her out of her wits. “Please,” he added with a smile, revealing two dimples and perfect teeth.
    When she still hadn’t eased up, he grabbed her fist, where in his palm he uncurled the fingers one by one. His touch sent a jolt through her body, yet she jerked away, not to anxious for intimacy, especially from a stranger who seemed hell bent on knowing her. Or fucking her. Either way she didn’t plan on staying to see which theory proved most reliable. She attempted to leave, but he blocked her way, with that devilish grin that would make any women swoon, but Jay held her ground, not the least bit won over by the act.
    “Get out of my fucken way,” she snarled as she moved out of his way and attempted to leave once more, but the attempt was short lived when he grabbed her hand. “My names Chase.”
    Jay racked her brain for the name. Chase?  Where had she heard that name before?
    “Okay, Chase please get of my way.” This time he let her, but she didn’t oblige his permission, now she was curious.
    Chase smiled when he noticed she stayed after all. However the smile quickly diminished when he noticed her discomfort. So, he decided, he’d just come out with it and allow her to go on her way, if she pleased. And by the way she was looking at him, so fierce and scrutinizing he hoped she wouldn’t. He clenched his jaw. And spoke. Words he knew would be a tremendous blow to her. “I have something to tell you, Jay. Its important.”
    Jay backed away, appalled, how had this stranger known her name? She was sure she hadn’t mentioned it. But just as she began to back away he unleashed a whole new ball park of demons. “It’s about your brother, Danny.”
    “Danny’s dead,” Jay was quick to admit.
    However, Chase was quicker to contradict. “In a way he is, but your brother is very much alive, Jay.”
    Amazement washed over her face, and her eyes, where they were once filled with venom and piercing were now filled with hope and inquiry. Chase decided she looked better this way, without the intolerant demeanor and the relentless stance. But in a way he found her fierce, bull-headed humanity sexy. And he couldn’t help but wonder if Danny was to blame for her tough interior. And that’s when he noticed it; the puffiness in her eyes. A sure sign that tears had recently been shed, and by the way her eyes looked it seemed like a boat load of tears had been shed. Danny maybe?
    “Explain,” Jay tried to seem unfazed, and content with the news as if the revelation hadn’t shaken her as it did. The false façade she wore didn’t last long however, Chase seemed to see right through the fabrication.
    “I can’t. I’m sorry Jay, I really am.” And he was. He came to–as a request by Danny himself–seek out Jay and inform her that he was fine. Danny had planned to come himself but at last minute abandoned the idea, reasoning that it’d be too hard for Jay to see her brother, after all those sleepless nights, in the condition he was currently in. Hence Chase who was to only report that Danny hadn’t received the fate they had previously assumed. But instead received one no one thought possible.
    She was looking at him, sizing him up, trying to make out what exactly it was that was being said to her. “So you knew my brother?”
    “No. I know him now, but no, not then.” Before his perfect life had been torn from beneath him, Chase thought.
    “Ahh. Tell me one thing, is he well? Happy?” She was still siding with fate and sensibility on this one, and wasn’t quite sure what she should make out of this whole thing, from the sensual Chase character to the elaborate scheme–no doubt–to piss her off. Probably someone’s sick idea of a joke, but what was to gain? Jay was as worse off as they came, and this fib couldn’t possibly heighten her low-bullshit tolerance.
    Chase didn’t answer right away, he seemed to preoccupied in what was in his jeans pocket, at last he came up with a pack of cigarettes, he retrieved a cancer stick and immediately lit up, disregarding the fact that he was in a book store. He took a long drag on the cigarette before he gestured a silent offering to Jay. Reluctantly, she accepted the offer. She had ridded herself of the habit a long time ago, after she relied on to calm her frayed nerves, but just as soon as she took up the death-wish she dropped it just as fast. However, now the cigarette seemed the most appealing thing in the world. She took an equally long drag before she handed it back to it’s owner. Time to get down to business, she thought.
    She gave him a c’mon-answer-the-question look and he was immediately drawn back to reality. And it wasn’t looking too pretty for Chase. “Oh, yeah. Yeah Danny’s fine.”
    Jay cocked her eyebrow. “That’s not what I asked.”
    Chase seemed to have difficulty answering the question. He turned his head, as to not look at her and finished the cigarette. When he finally turned, his face was contorted and full of pain. He sighed, out with it! he silently said to himself. “No.” He decided honesty was the easier way out; she deserved the truth so he gave it. When her expression instantly changed from curiosity to forlorn and miserable, he began regretting not lying. Not that he advised it or anything but he was surprised when her sadness got to him. He supposed it was because this was Danny’s sister. Nothing more.
    Jay seemed to have been hit with a mental bullet, one minute she was eagerly anticipating the answer to her question, the next she was brought to tears once more. Not knowing what to do when the tears came, Chase thought it’d be best if he left, so silently he slipped out the door of the book store. “We’ll be in touch,” were his last words to Jay. 
   
   


 
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