monster grabs

This life is much too quick and I have spent most of it worrying and waiting for disappointment. Pleasure is not often in my experiences and worry fills my head. Sickness succumbs my body and waits to emerge at the worst of times. So much joy overlooked because of the pain and disgust lingering in my stomach. I once dreamed of happiness, love and life but as time ticked passed those hopes and desires diminished. I fell apart physically and mentally and was part of a connection that gave me nothing but distress. I was never in love although I lied and said I was, demands made me believe that’s what it was. Love meant sharing, fighting and being constant. Ups and downs, and downs and downs destroyed it and there was nothing that would increase my hope for contentment. Life was a dull, unadorned and forgetful; there was not one remembrance that stuck out in my mind. The fights, lies and worry are what I can illustrate. These memories of sadness are what shaped me and what refined me into the woman I am today. I am supposed to be a woman who wants a man, a home and children and all I’ve transpire into is a girl who is trying to get to air but keeps getting pulled into the depths of what I don’t know. There’s something weighing me down and I am afraid that it won’t let me free. This strength that keeps me won’t let me touch what I want, be who I want. I want to stab it, beat it, burn it and once I think I’ve injured it; it redevelops and comes back stronger. It’s determined to grab me back to the darkness. I hate it and I hate myself for not being strong enough to murder it. It’s the voice in my head yelling everything will not be alright; it keeps me awake, it infiltrates my dreams making them night terrors. Life was supposed to be made up of growth and development, but mine up to date has been unceasing pain and diminution. But as I struggle towards life I can see a scrap of hope, it will need some mending. The hope must come soon because the time is passing, dusk is grasping.