Overcoming the Past

Im the girl with the family raised on the wrong side of the tracks. I have 3 other siblings, they were said to do better than I. Christina was said to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, and was voted space cadet in her 8th grade year book. She was a track star, and she was an amazing singer. Tim we thought would eventually go into the military, we thought he would never drink, specially turn to drugs but I guess no one really can predict the future. Kim we all knew she would go places maybe be a lawyer or fashion designer. I believed she would be something powerful, because well that's how Kim was. She liked to be known. I on the other have always been known as the misfit, the rebel who would be like her parents and never reach the other side of the tracks. I attacked people with words, with sarcasm, and with anger. People thought id fail out of high school let alone attempt college. Then on top of it have kids? Even I thought that id never have kids, I was scared I would be like my parents. Most parents love their kids unconditional, my parents pretended they loved us because that's what everyone expected. I love my daughters unconditionally, There is nothing I wouldn't do for either of them! People still doubt I can be anything, yet I have proven so much. Not for others, I struggle everyday to not just give up and be like the past and live a life of trash, no I want something better for myself and more importantly my kids. So don't judge me when you don't know me. Life isn't easy for any of us but when your raised on the other end of the track and you have no one but your siblings till they split up and go their own ways then judge me till then some of you have it easy and I know there are plenty of others out there as myself. Everyday is a struggle to survive but you do it because you want to!
     

I remember the nights when all I could hear was fighting between my parents or just feel the hatred and anger radiating of my moms body. I was about 11 when I started to realize what my life really was. I wasn't like "normal" kids I knew from a very young age that the way I lived and the way my parents behaved was not "mature". Most children from abused homes believe that, that's how all families were. I knew better than that, I think kids that actually believe that made themselves victims. I never wanted to be a victim and I don't think I will ever play the role of victim, its sort of pathetic! Many people consider me a survivor of child molestation, neglect, physical and emotional abuse, and yes I did survive all those things but that's the life I was brought into and I was taught to just deal with things in life. I knew that no matter what life put me threw that there where other children as well as adults that had it so much worse than I did. I used to fall asleep to the famous radio host Delilah and still to this day if I had a hero it would be her! She made me feel like despite some hardships in life, that it does get better and you just have to believe in yourself. If you cant believe in yourself then how can you expect anyone else to have faith or believe in you? There are days when I just want to stop and give up but then I think. If I can get this far in life, then I can make it all the way. When I say give up I don't mean suicide or anything, I just mean stop trying. The greatest part about my childhood however is that despite some of the hardships, the endless nights of hunger and feeling dirty I was despite it all such a happy girl! Nothing ever slowed me down and I guess it still doesn't!

For years now I have been told that one day my past will come back to me, what no one ever noticed was that I was dealing with my past! I still have therapists tell me that I'm going to have to accept the past, and that I shouldn't "pretend" that I'm okay with it. The thing is, that I am okay with my past and even if I could change my life I can honestly say that I wouldn't. Ive learned how to handle things in life that most people never have to worry about, and hey at least I can say that I have experienced life for all of its ups and downs. The biggest problem I have however is not being able to "open" up to people and that's not so much to do with my childhood. I don't let anyone know about the details of my life because Ive had people feel sorry for me my whole entire life and I don't want that! It drives me insane when I have people tell me "poor you" I mean really common I just want someone to talk to and know they aren't judging me or feeling sorry for me! I just want the world to see me as I am, not what I grew up from! I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but that's just how Ive always felt! I want people to realize that I have dealt with my childhood, if I hadn't dealt with my childhood I would probably not be able to not so much as forgive my dad but just not let him bring me down anymore! I forgive my mother for my childhood but its going to take a very long time to forgive her for leaving me at such a needy age. I was a 17 year old girl who needed her mother and then I became a teenage parent and I didn't know anything. I guess like all great things it takes time to heal. My biggest problem with my mom is that no matter how much she has hurt me, I will always try and please her. Its a losing battle I know but I'm a young woman who needs a mother in her life...