Six White Walls (first 6 chapters)

Part One
Black and White

1
White

         The girl, we’ll call her Anonymous, Ann for short, sat indian style in front of the plain white wall. She tried to dive into herself, to uncover the dark secrets responsible for her being in this place, however failing miserably.
         “It’s not politically correct to call it ‘indian style’” an adult voice replayed in her mind. Probably a mother’s, or maybe a teacher, not that she could remember. “How do the voices remain?” She would wonder. “Why do the pictures disappear while the sounds remain crystal clear?”
         The only thing Ann had left were the noises in her head, sometimes coming through as sounds, other times voices. They were all she had to hold on to. The rest of her memories had dissolved away along with everything else, along with her whole self. But the noises, they rang loud and clear with a sound of hope. Hope that she had maybe come from somewhere. Hope that maybe one day she could return. And whenever one of the sounds came back, she would replay it over and over in her head, clenching, trying to hold on to it for as long as she could before soon, it dissolved away with the rest. Until soon, she couldn’t even remember what is was she had been trying to hold on to in the first place.
         Sometimes though, she was lucky enough to replay sounds for days straight before they slipped away like a dream upon waking, or what felt like days anyway, there was no way of knowing for sure how long. For there was no sense of time in this place, we’ll call it The White.
         Time didn’t exist. Nothing did, but her. No time, no smell, no tastes or color. There were no other people or objects. There was no beginning and no end. Just White.
         The only thing she ever knew were the never ending bright white walls, stretching out in all directions. They stood towering over her, flooding the space with an array of power and intimidation. She accepted their power, respected it, but she feared it all the same. She feared the way the walls towered over her, making her feel small and insignificant. She feared their brightness, which she knew came from her trapped memories silently singing out to her, untouchable and unrecognizable. But mostly, she feared the walls’ ability to extract her soul right out of her body, slowly sucking it out like a vacuum.
         But the walls were more than just walls. They seemed to be vibrant with life, something Ann certainly was not. Sometimes she swore she could even hear the walls breathing. She would sit in a pool of overwhelming envy and listen cautiously to the slow deep breaths echoing around her. Just staring, exploding with jealousy as the walls grew brighter with each breath, containing all of the things that once lived within her, the things stolen from her. She felt helpless to their thriving off her abducted memories, leaving her empty, alone, and terrified.  She would try with all her strength to grasp the memories that no longer existed to her, or in her. Trying to learn if they were ever there at all. But The White wasn’t a place for learning.
         Ann spent all of her time in The White continuously staring at the walls surrounding her, there was really nothing else to do. She would marvel at how perfect they were, no texture, no difference in value. Sometimes she was even unable to tell the ceiling from the floor, if thats what you want to call them. “Maybe I'm upside down”, she would often wonder. However, there was no way of knowing, as there were no doors or windows. No indication of..anything.
         With no memory of a past, or life, or of anything at all, she was ultimately stripped of everything. It was as if there was never anything else but this. Just White. White and the beautiful noises that remained in her head. Her one life-line. The one connection to..something. There had to be something other than this. Some sort of past? But there was no way of knowing if she had a past beyond these six white walls, or what a past could even consist of for that matter. She couldn’t remember how or when she arrived. Or better yet, why. She was left in the dark as to whether her confinement was a refuge or some kind of punishment, though her constant feeling of fear left her assuming the worst of the two alternatives.
         And then there was the most puzzling question of all. Was there an end? If there was no sense of time, if she had no purpose, if she seemingly wasn’t ALIVE, how could she move on further to some sort of end? How could she escape when death wasn’t even an option?
         But she hadn’t thought of escape in..a long time, it seemed.
She wasn’t even sure if that’s what she wanted. Perhaps where she came from had been far worse than this. Maybe she was lucky to be here, maybe her fear was irrational. There was no way of knowing. There was no way of knowing anything in The White. Therefore, she had given up on that notion, along with most other thoughts, long ago. With no memory and her mind a constant haze of confusion, it was difficult to think of anything at all anymore.
         Once she came to the realization that there were no answers, she slowly began to lose sight of the questions she had started with. And that was the moment she sat down indian style, or crossed-legged rather, and stared at the plain white wall. Searching. Searching for..well, whatever it was she was supposed to be searching for, with a knowledge that she would never find it. And time stood still.
         Her life, or existence rather (she couldn’t call this a life) remained this way for some time. She was in a room full of nothing and she too had finally begun to dissolve into nothing.
         That was until this day. Not that time could be broken into days in The White, not in a place where there were no seconds or minuets, just moments. Precisely, it was the first moment of Ann’s life.
         At first, it was seemingly just another unmoving, meaningless moment in The White. No different than any other moment. Ann sat staring blankly at the White wall. She had even given up searching, no longer able to grasp the reason why she had been in the first place. She simply and mindlessly admired the wall. It held her. In fact, she couldn't take her eyes off of it. It was as if she was in a trance. She slowly began to lose herself in the new-found wonder that it exhibited to her. She had never noticed before, but the white was so perfect, it really didn’t look like a wall at all. It’s sudden, previously hidden beauty was now so radiant there was no way it could ever be hard, or flat. It was far too grand to be that ordinary of an object, to have such an average surface. She saw now that it looked more like a warm, luminous glow of light surrounding her, rather than a wall. And suddenly, she was drowning in the overwhelming want, the need to touch it.
         It was a strange feeling, uncomfortable almost. She had never  felt any urge like this before. In fact, she had never felt compelled to do anything in The White, at all, ever. Until now. She wasn’t sure what to make of it.
         She listened for the voices in her head. She waited, anticipating they’re stern refutation. She trusted them. When the voices came to her she always listened, always trusted. Although she knew they were simply old sounds replaying from the memories that had been taken from her, she felt as if they protected her. She put all of her faith in the voices, the noises that had kept her company in the torturously lonely White. But now, they were absent. They brought her no sense of guidance or disapproval. They had abandoned her when she needed them most, leaving her with silence.
         It was a silence so strong, so painfully loud, she thought she may need to cover her ears. For the first time, she felt the need to protect herself from the emptiness. She was no longer accepting of it’s company. But as she waited, as she sat feeling more alone, more hollow than ever before, the silence began to roar. And though there was no real physical pain, she imagined her ears bleeding from the sound of the piercing emptiness. She cringed at the thought, and then
something else.
         Her eyes shot open. She felt something, a real something. It wasn’t one of the imaginary feelings she created in her mind. It wasn’t like all the other explanations she fed herself to explain the sensations she was unable to ever truly know. It was a real perception. A real feeling, bubbling in her chest, slowly working it’s way throughout her body, down her arms all the way to her finger tips. The tingling exploded with an intensity that felt like flames beneath her skin. It was a fiery urge. An urge to touch, to feel The White that stood towering over her.
         She didn’t know why, but at the same time she felt very strongly that she shouldn’t, that she should keep away from the wall’s luringly deceitful glow. “I wouldn’t want to get it dirty”, she told herself. But that was a lie, a cover-up, and she knew it. After all, she was continually surrounded for all of eternity by nothing but white. The last thing she was, was dirty. It was a flat out lie, a fabrication her mind thought up to trick her. To trick her body. She felt betrayed.
         Until this moment, she had always assumed the two were connected. An “if- then” statement. If the mind, then the body. Her body always did what her mind told it to. It had made sense at the time, and it gave reason as to why she would sit motionless for so long, unable or wanting to move. She had easily assumed that her body was merely mirroring her empty mind. How could she have been so wrong? “I should have seen this coming!” She scolded herself.
         Her mind and body were not synced together harmoniously, they were enemies wanting two completely different things! And she was the battlefield, being ripped apart at the seams, naively blaming herself for the inability to decide what she wanted, when really, the decision had never been hers to make at all. She sat vulnerable and powerless as she watched the two parts of herself continue their gruesome battle.
         Her mind tried to protect her. It wanted to keep her away from any action that had the possibility of ending in harm. However in it’s attempt, it had erased everything that she ever had inside her, leaving her hallow so that that she would long for nothing. It’s purpose was to protect her, but was it?
         On the other hand her body, young and curious, wanted her to feel, to experience, to discover, even if the discovery led to danger. It wanted her to live.
         But her mind had always been stronger. It held her body captive for so long, keeping her motionless and empty, completely unaware that there was any other way. It tried to fill the void with noises and voices and it had almost won. It had almost convinced her that they were good enough. But not anymore. For the first time she wanted something beyond what was in her mind. And for the first time, wanting something, merely thinking of wanting something at all, was possible. Her fear was beginning to subside. Maybe she wasn’t helpless after all. She fought to hold on to the feeling, struggled to take in the moment before The White could rip it away from her, just as it had everything else.
         Just then, her thoughts were interrupted. She looked down and watched eyes wide as her hands began to rise up, palms out, facing The White wall in front of her. She couldn’t control them, couldn’t stop them. She couldn’t do anything. Had her body finally won? Had her mind now completely lost all control? “Is that the same thing as losing my mind?” She wondered. “Am I going insane?” She laughed inside. She was in a White land filled with nothingness. She could remember nothing. Her only companions were the sounds that her mind picked from memories and dangled in front of her teasingly, like a bone in front of a dog. Loosing her mind? It was far worse than that. Her hands jerked up further. She wasn’t sure if she liked this idea anymore. She squinted her eyes in strain and began to push, squeezing every muscle in her body. “Oh please stop!” She screamed inside, trying to order her hands. But they wouldn’t listen. They continued to move closer and closer to the wall, now almost completely outstretched. She could feel it’s warmth reaching out to her, trying to grab her hands, sharing the same longing to touch. She knew there was no fighting it, her body had won. In a moment, she would touch the beautiful glowing wall. She would feel it graze her fingertips.  But she didn’t have to watch, she at least had control over that. She quickly closed her eyes and held them shut forcefully, as if in defense of her own body, preventing it from prying them open against her will. Then she sat, arms outstretched and blinded, anticipating the hardness of the wall.
         She waited, and waited, her arms now as far as they could reach. But the feeling..never came. Just as everything else in The White there once again, was nothing.

2
Ann and Fire

         The fire had risen. My hands now cool and moist hung with relief at my sides. The worst was over for them. It was my eyes. I couldn’t make it stop. I didn’t want to. They burned with a steaming heat of passion making everything before me a fiery blur of wonder, and everything behind me a pile of ashes. But his face, his face was the only thing I could see clearly. A parting in the smokey haze.
         Redford. His name was Redford, Red for short, though I hadn’t asked. I just knew. In fact, that was all I knew about him, I didn’t need to know anything else. It didn’t matter where he came from or what he had done. I couldn’t remember my past and it was easier to pretend that he didn’t have one either. We were two lost souls starting from the same beginning. And just like that, he was everything.
         His face contained all the answers I could ever need. I was finally able to understand and accept why I had been ridden of all memory, why my mind had been deprived of the pretty pictures it longed for so much. Even if they had been there, it would have been a waste. He was my entirety, nothing else mattered. He made up every part of me that had been missing. A completed puzzle. There was no need for anything else, it was clear now that my mind had been made empty awaiting it’s true purpose. Him, he was the purpose, my reason for existence. And suddenly, my mind was overflowing with beautiful pictures. There almost wasn’t enough room for them all.  I feared that soon they would begin projecting out through my eyes. A film strip of desire and fantasy. A dazzling spectacle of lights and movement...and fire.
         My mind wouldn’t stop. It was flooding my entire soul with Red. Even when I closed my eyes, for just a moment, he was there, printed on the back of my eyelids. Flashing images of his piercing sepia eyes. The taste of his milky scent, drifting around me in the lingering air. The touch of his warm silky fingertips, sending sparks of electricity through my veins. And his soft, angelic voice, dancing through my ears like the song of wind chimes.
         I was suffocating, continually in all of these things. But my lungs needed no air. I breathed him in and I was okay.
         “I’m here, Ann” he said gently to me, releasing his hand from my arm. I shuddered at the frigid feeling of emptiness forming where his touch had been. I forced a smile, and he mirrored it, warmth radiating from his face. I closed my eyes and bathed in it, like golden rays of sunlight.
         “I know.” I answered confidently.
And I did.

3
Red

         I had heard her scream, as usual. Full of sorrowful fear and surrender. Like a high pitched, blood curdling sigh.
         It awoke me suddenly and I jolted from my deep sleep. At first I thought perhaps it was just a dream. A nightmare. But then I heard it again. The sound echoed in the wind, soaring through the air around me, circling my head like hungry vultures. It was certainly my worst nightmare, but there was no escape, no waking up. It was real. The waves of sound entered my ears and immediately attached themselves to my every thought, to my soul, clawing and slashing violently, ripping it to shreds. I fell to the ground, gasping on my knees. My fingernails dug deep into my sweaty scalp as I held my head in my hands. It was the most excruciating feeling I had ever known.
         My throat began to burn like fire, and as I parted my mouth a groan escaped, so torturous sounding I wasn’t sure if it was my own. It left my lips just as her distant cries echoed through the air another time. They met in the middle, dancing together, intertwining in the wind. They’re connection created a sound more wretched than anything I had ever heard before. I just wanted it to stop! All I wanted was silence! But there was only one way, and I knew what that was.
         I jumped quickly with determination to my feet, now standing in the center of the room, waiting to move. But this time my feet did not immediately pick up speed beneath me. They were timid and motionless, heavy weights holding me in place. I looked down at them quizzically. They stared back at me worried and overprotective, as if saying “Do you really want to do this? Put yourself through this? Again?”.
          I knew what the answer was supposed to be, and I knew that it should have come quickly. But it didn’t. I sat back down for a moment, my feet sighing with relief. I took in their words while gently massaging my temples to dull the aching.
          Living the same existence over and over was certainly tiring, there was no question about that. Especially this one in particular, it was almost..unbearable at times. Constantly having to lie. Endlessly having to hear and watch her pain, knowing that through all my efforts I could never stop it permanently. And the two of us, we were connected nonetheless. Her pain was my pain, and visa versa. Unfortunately, unlike her, I was perfectly able to remember. She was at least given that gift, a beautifully empty mind. I, on the other hand, could easily play back each individual heart wrenching moment with great detail. The memories were constantly there, I lived in them. And I knew they would soon become reality once more.
         But what was I thinking? I quickly pulled my thoughts out of the self afflicted misery I was drowning myself in. I couldn’t believe how selfish I was being. The pain didn’t change a thing. It didn’t change that this was my purpose, that my only reason for being here was her.
         As hard as the journey would be, though it was sure to torment my soul, creating new and more vivid memories for my mind to replay, it would all be worth it. All I needed was to see her standing before me, to see her face, and all the pieces would come together. I would suddenly understand, once again, why I do this. It would be that simple, and that complicated.
         I heard her scream once more, louder this time. Now less fearful, a cry of defeat. And with that, I stood up and began to run.
         

4
White

         She opened her eyes slowly, terrified of the site she knew lay before her. That wretched glow of desolation, laughing at her every frustration, once again filling her with despair. She didn’t want to look, didn’t want to give it what it wanted, but her eyelids finally surrendered. They opened slowly, allowing the frigid White to breath upon her eyes’ surface, spreading to them the brisk numbing that had danced beneath her fingertips. It was the only thing the White could ever give Ann, this cold, encompassing nothingness. Her eyes, cold and sore from the pain, stared at the emptiness ahead as all ideas of shelter and foundation vanished, absorbing into her surroundings. The White was in fact, nothing. There were no walls, there was nothing solid to touch, there was no sense of security whatsoever. The White was endless, and terrifying.
         “But maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong” She thought to herself. Perhaps she hadn’t felt far enough. Maybe there was an end, maybe there were answers. She just had to go further. She had to. She held onto this last bit of hope as if it were sand about to slip though her fingers. It gave her the strength to continue, to keep from returning to the miserable idleness she had escaped from. Because she knew, if she were to return to it again, it would be eternal.
         Her mind slowly and cautiously instructed her legs to stand up, shaky at first as they had been motionless for quite some time. Once her feet were grounded, Ann straightened her back and marveled at the slice of vulnerability she felt vanish due to her sudden increase in height. And then, she began to experience a familiar feeling; a fiery urge, this time bubbling in her feet, slowly spreading upward. She once again found herself drowning in the overwhelming want, the need to touch the White.
         She gasped as her right foot suddenly jolted forward, quickly followed by the other. She threw her arms out in an attempt to regain balance and watched cautiously as her feet started to follow one another, slowly at first as if learning to move for the first time. Ann observed their movement carefully, trying to create some kind of peaceful rhythm between the two. As she became more comfortable in her drifting, she gradually allowed her feet to pick up speed until eventually she was gliding through the glow quite briskly.
         Soon, Ann began to realize that as she continued to move faster, the White seemed to grow brighter and brighter, until at her fastest speed it was practically blinding. It was as if it was feeding off of her energy, off of her life. Just then, a thought entered Ann’s mind.
Maybe the White wasn’t something to fear after all, maybe it was merely a reflection of herself. She couldn’t be sure, the only thing she knew for certain was that it was beautiful. 

5
Ann

         Faster and faster I ran, feelings rushing through me that I couldn’t explain or comprehend, yet I completely understood. Like the sound that escaped from between my lips each time the White would grow brighter. A laugh, like I was spitting up butterflies. Uncomfortable and odd at first, then strange, bewildering, electrifying! Not that I knew what a laugh was, why and how it happened or if I had ever experienced the sensation before. It was equally as foreign and confusing to me as everything else in the White, but it felt just as right and natural as wanting to escape from this place so I knew I could trust it.
Escape.
         My feet stopped suddenly and my face hit the ground before I knew what was happening. I had almost forgotten the reason I was running in the first place. The White had once again deceived me. It thought it could mesmerize me with it’s beauty, sending me into an illuminating haze of confusion as it slowly tore away any sense purpose or meaning I held onto. But I was growing stronger every moment, I could feel it! It was getting easier and easier to hold on to things now, much easier than before. I wasn’t going to let the White take away this feeling of hope, not again. It was mine and I held it tighter than ever.
         I pushed myself up off the ground and forced my leery legs to stand once more. They trembled with fear of the unknown, or fear of the known rather. A fear of knowing there was nothing out there, that there would never be anything but White. “But there has to be something!” my lips groaned. I quickly took control of my body and forced my feet pick up speed as they did before. I ran faster and faster, arms outstretched reaching for something, anything.
Nothing.
         As I continued to run, The White no longer radiated the mirror image of my excitement. It knew that I saw through it’s lies and trickery. It was unhappy. In fact, it seemed as though it was growing dimmer. The White was using it’s last defense. The further I traveled the darker it got. Darker and darker until I was surrounded on all sides by a grey fog. I felt more sorrowful and lost than ever, but I kept moving on. The fiery urge to run and explore was quickly turning into a scared ferocity to find an answer before it was too late. The White had always been my biggest fear. In fact, a few moments ago I wouldn’t have been able to imagine anything more awful. However, that was until I discovered the idea of it being gone, until I discovered the idea of darkness. I had to find something, I had to get out before I not only lost all memory again, but all sight as well. It was one thing to be blinded on the inside, but if I could no longer see myself on the outside; the lines of my hand, the curves of my feet, what would become of me then? Would I even exist? I was filled with dread, I didn’t want to find out.
         “Stop thinking! You’re wasting time!” I yelled at myself. It was even darker now. I paused there, took a moment to breath. I could taste defeat in the air. I could feel the White’s evil grin. Was this really it, was the White going to win? Could it really be that horrid that it would destroy it’s own beauty just to erase me completely? I took another hesitant step forward. Darker. Another step. Darker. Another. Darker. I closed my eyes and held my breath for as long as I could. Another step. I opened my eyes.
No.
         Open, close, open close. It didn’t matter, there was no difference. There was nothing left.
Just darkness.
         I fell to my knees and screamed, feeling all hope rush through my throat and out my mouth like a thousand knives. The pain was unbearable, and I knew it would never end. I screamed more, harder, louder, over and over. And once again, time stood still.

6
Red and Fire

         I arrived at the door just as I had many times before and reached quickly into my pocket. Her screams sounded more painful this time, something was very wrong. I needed to get to her fast. My heart began to pound as I felt my hand brush against the skinny piece of cold metal. I held it tightly, my fingertips grazing along the elaborate flourishes as I wistfully pulled it out and guided it into it’s rightful place. The key turned, seemingly in slow motion. A soft click sounded. Relief started to spread, I was almost there. I pushed on the door gently and with caution, still slightly concerned. The door creaked open, wider, wider. I waited for the light, waited patiently for her face. Darkness? Why was there darkness, where was the White?
         My heart sank, I felt sick and suicidal. Fury ran through my veins, this was all my fault! If I had only moved quicker, if I hadn’t hesitated questioning myself before! I stopped myself mid-thought, this was only wasting more time. I couldn’t give up, I could still get to her. I took a large step into the darkness and waited. I didn’t need to see, vision was a luxury. I knew I would find her eventually, after all, we were connected by something much stronger than any of the body’s senses. I closed my eyes, my heart guiding my feet where they needed to go. Then suddenly, there she was, beautiful as ever. She stood before me, half of her face glowing in the sliver of light that snuck through the door’s opening. A scared, yet thankful look in her eyes. I could feel my heart begin to crack down the middle. That was all she ever did, time and time again, filling my heart to entirety just to smash it to pieces. But it wasn’t her fault, I knew that.
         I could see she was in disbelief and stretched my arm out to touch her, to give her something real. She was so cold it made my heart crack further. She closed her eyes and my soul felt empty. I had lost her this time, it was too late.
         I put my head down about to sigh in defeat when suddenly, I caught a glimpse of something. A change in her face. The corners of her mouth began to quiver and then slowly they turned upwards. A smile. I touched her again, I could feel her growing warmer this time as her eyes opened and locked with mine. The connection between us was so strong I felt as though I could see her thoughts. They flew rapidly past her eyes as if they were on fire. We stared at each other this way for what felt like a lifetime, my smile mirroring hers, wishing we could remain in this moment for eternity.
We would never be so lucky.
         But seeing her face before mine, I once again was certain of why I put myself through this time and time again. Just as I had assumed, the pieces once again came together. For there was nothing more beautiful than Ann smiling, no better feeling than to bring her happiness, even if it couldn’t last. I loved her.
         “I’m here, Ann.” I said gently, releasing my hand from her arm. She shuddered but continued to smile, almost forcibly.
         “I know.” she answered with confidence.
And she did.




Part Two
Embarkation