The Fillmore Ch 9

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Chapter 9
         “No-” Claire started, but Zoey cut her off.
         “It says some shifters like me, under life threatening circumstances, have made the Change. Life threatening is just emotionally overwhelming, right? It should be the same trigger in both cases.” She knew she was starting to sound desperate, even to her own ears, but she couldn’t just sit and wait to lose her mind. “And all that aside, I still need to confront him. The two of you have helped me see that the things I experienced in my past were not my fault. They were his fault, and I need to tell him that. He thinks he broke me, and I can’t live with that. I want him to know I’m alive, and I’m strong, and I’m happy.” A few hot tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes, running down over her cheeks and driving her point home. This was a girl that had endured twelve years of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. While he had come close to breaking her, she’d come out of it strong and determined.
         “I will take you to see your father Zoey,” Zoey started to protest, then realized what Claire had just said. Her eyes bugged out instead as she continued, “but under two conditions. You need to learn some self defense. I will be there with you and able to protect you in almost any situation, but you’ll have a better chance if you can fend someone off until I get to you. I’ll give you two weeks, and then we will go and do what you need to do.” Zoey just nodded. Claire was right after all, if she were caught unaware, her father could hurt her before Claire could even blink. If she could only fight him off until Claire could get to her in that situation, she might survive.
         “I also want to get your physical testing done. Shifters usually undergo several tests to  identify their limits and ensure a full transformation. In this case though, I’m more concerned about you knowing the extent of your abilities. Most shifters discover these boundaries naturally, but you have not done anything physical enough yet. I think your strength will give you courage and confidence in yourself.” Zoey took all of this in, and found herself surprised at Claire’s suggestion. She remembered that shifters are much stronger than they were as humans, and as fast, but she hadn’t yet tried that out. She was suddenly excited to test herself.
         “Ok,” she replied eagerly, “when can we start the testing?” Claire sensed her resolve and anticipation and smiled. These things were good signs, not only of her progress, but her readiness to deal with this obstacle. She quickly explained the basis of the testing. She would have another shifter present to record her times and other data, while she would be doing things such as running, lifting weights, and swimming. She said she would arrange a trainer as quickly as possible, but it would still take a day to make it happen. Zoey would go to the Rec Center tomorrow and, in place of her Thai Chi class, begin testing her speed.
         Alyssa was quiet through most of the conversation, but now she turned to Zoey. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” she asked quietly. Zoey looked her in the eye, conveying all the need and determination she could muster, and nodded. Alyssa stared back for a second, and the corner of her mouth twitched up. “I have confidence in you then. I know you can take this on, and you can beat it.” She reached out, taking Zoey’s hand and squeezing it tightly in her own.
         “There’s one other condition,” Claire said, interrupting the impromptu display of the girls’ affection for each other. Something in her voice made Zoey turn and look at her.
         “What is it?”
         “We have to talk about Sissy.” Zoey’s heart froze at the mention of Sissy’s name.
         “That’s not-” she started, but it was her turn to be interrupted.
         “Yes, it is Zoey.” Claire said firmly, “You can’t walk into a situation that dangerous without being mentally stable, that is one risk I will not let you take. Besides, wouldn’t you rather show him a strong, whole version of the girl he thought he beat? Wont it be that much more of a blow to see you fully freed of the life he forced on you?” As usual, Claire knew exactly the right thing to say to make Zoey understand.
         “You’re right,” she said finally, her head hanging in resignation. “But I don’t think I can handle anymore today Claire, can we talk about it tomorrow like we planned?”
         “Yes we can, but we are going to talk about it, we can’t keep skirting this. Every time I mention her name, your aura flares up, she’s obviously a huge part of what shaped you.” Zoey nodded her understanding.
         “Alright, get on back to your rooms. Zoey, you should get plenty of rest for testing tomorrow, and eat some meat with breakfast tomorrow.” The girls made their way back to Zoey’s room, hand in hand. Alyssa was coming to be a source of comfort and understanding for Zoey, something she hadn’t had in a long time, and something she needed very deeply.
          When they got back to Zoey’s room, the girls took the book out and spent the next few hours taking turns, reading to each other and looking for more references to the Unchanged. They also found disturbing descriptions of what happened as the animal built up inside of the Unchanged. The person would often have outbursts of rage, depression, and general loss of control. Some of them had committed suicide in the ensuing insanity that came with the inability to change. It seemed changing became a natural urge and necessity, much like eating or breathing, once they turned into a shifter, and that could give the Unchanged a feeling of claustrophobia, of being locked up, which would also drive them to madness.
         This revelation gave Zoey a thought, one she couldn’t seem to shake. It distracted her from the reading until Alyssa took notice.          
         “The Unchanged often have a desire to dance naked at night under the full moon, and will pursue this need regardless of audience.”          
         “What?” Zoey asked, snapping back to attention.          
         “Zoey, what’s wrong? You haven’t been paying attention for the last few minutes. What are you thinking about?”
         “How long has it been since you shifted?” she asked, in a display of her blunt nature. Alyssa paused, thinking about it.
         “About a week, not since you came here I think.”
         “Isn’t it bothering you? It says here that shifters need to Change often, or they start to feel ‘caged’.”
         “I don’t know…I guess so. I should probably make a trip out soon,” she replied. “Would you want to come with me?” Zoey was surprised at the offer, and considered it.
         “Yes, I think I would…where do you go, though?”
         “Oh, this place is surrounded by forest, there’s even a lake nearby. We pretty much have free access to the whole thing. Plus, it’s private property, so no chance of running into humans. We could go tonight, if you wanted to.”
         “Tonight?” She thought about it, and decided, “Why not?” Alyssa smiled gratefully, and the two went about getting ready. Zoey pulled on a heavy jacket, conveniently found in her closet, and a pair of boots with a thick, fur-like lining. Alyssa, however, kept her warm up pants and light sweater, explaining she would have to take her clothes off for the change anyway, and the cold wouldn’t bother her in her animal form.
         The girls left the dorm building in slightly higher spirits. Alyssa might not have been actively thinking about it, but she found herself relieved that she would be able to shift soon and feel the sense of freedom she only got when she was one with her totem.          The walk passed quickly, as they moved from the dorm to the northern edge of the cluster of buildings. The asphalt disappeared, replaced by forest floor. The girls followed a path, Alyssa in the lead, until the reached a big clearing in the trees. A creek babbled softly to their right, winding through the tall grass and colorful wildflowers. A couple large boulders sat on the edge of the water, and the girls walked toward them.
         “Have you ever seen anyone shift before?” Alyssa asked.
         “Yeah, I saw Claire once.” She seemed thoughtful, “is everyone’s totem a cat?”
         Alyssa laughed playfully, “No, it’s actually considered a pretty strong totem, but there are others too. I’ve never heard of anyone being anything but a mammal though. I guess turning into a fish for the first Change would be counterproductive to survival. Audrey is actually a deer, and Sarah’s a horse, a pony, really.” Zoey giggled at thought of Sarah shifting into a pony, it fit the stereotypical ‘ponies and butterflies’ kind of girl Zoey had taken her to be.
         Zoey hopped up onto one of the rocks and sat down, waiting for Alyssa to take the lead. Alyssa looked up at her, suddenly grateful for the failing sunlight, as Zoey wouldn’t be able to see the flush creeping up her cheeks. She turned her back to Zoey and moved a few paces away. Stopping, she pulled her top off, which was soon followed by her warm up pants. Zoey felt her own cheeks blushing red, and she was confused by the reaction. She felt as if the blush radiated throughout her whole body, and she stared at Alyssa’s form in the moonlight. She was so beautiful…
         That thought was cut short as Alyssa suddenly pitched forward. Thinking she had tripped in the dark, Zoey started to go to her, but stopped when she saw the muscles rippling under Alyssa’s skin. Her limbs were stretching and changing, and black fur was sprouting all over her body. Her jaw lengthened, her body taking on the shape of a four legged animal. Zoey watched in awe and fascination, it was grotesque and beautiful all at the same time. Before she knew it, the Change was over. Before her stood the most beautiful creature Zoey had ever laid eyes on. The Black Jaguar, the thought frightened her for a moment, until she remembered that was Alyssa inside that cat’s head. Alyssa would never hurt her.
         Instead, the cat leapt easily onto the other rock, sitting on it’s haunches and looking at Zoey. Suddenly, a strange feeling of pressure began building in her mind. It was so alien to her that she immediately began to panic, fearing it was her animal rearing its head. Instead, she heard Alyssa’s voice.
         “Zoey?”
         “Huh? How are you doing that?” All her panic forgotten, she stared at Alyssa wide eyed, awed.
         “It’s my ability. I can project images and thoughts onto your mind. It’s a simple step to project words. Zoey…is this okay? I’ll stop if you want me to…”
         “No! I mean, it’s okay, really. I trust you. Do I have to talk out loud? Or can you hear my thoughts?”
         “No, I can manipulate your mind, not read it.” She sounded playful as she explained this to Zoey. She was quiet for a little while so Alyssa scooted forward, laying her head in Zoey’s lap. She smiled as her fingers wound through the unbelievably soft fur, and suddenly, she found it much easier to talk to Alyssa in this form.
         “You are so beautiful, you know?” Her smile turned into a goofy grin when Alyssa rolled onto her back and stretched out. She scrubbed her friends belly with both palms, not thinking about the fact that she was touching her best friend’s stomach. Alyssa suddenly growled and leaned up, swiping her tongue across Zoey’s cheek. She giggled, nearly falling off the rock as she leaned away from the attacking tongue.
         Catching her breath, Zoey asked another question. “So, what else can you do?”
Alyssa stilled under her friend‘s hands, and seemed to think for a moment. “I can make you see or feel things, I can alter decisions you make, I can even make you physically do things if I wanted.” She fell silent for a moment, then went on. “I can even take away your memories, and give you new ones,” she said sadly. “But I wont do those things to an unwilling person. I promised myself I would never repeat what I did to that girl when my ability manifested.”
         “That wasn’t your fault, you know,” she replied as she stroked her friend’s soft fur absently.
         “Yeah, that’s what Claire says. But I’ve come to think of it as a learning experience. I found out the hard way what can happen if I abuse my ability, and it’s convinced me that I only want to use it for good things.” She seemed to heave a mental sigh, or at least that’s how Zoey perceived it. “I know I’m supposed to forgive myself, but…I’m working on it. I know I couldn’t have stopped it, but I feel like I need the guilt. Like it would be wrong not feel bad for what I did.”
         “I understand exactly how you feel. You know you were powerless to stop it, but you can’t help but feel like you should have been able to. Like if you’d been just a teeny bit stronger, you could have changed how things turned out. And it doesn’t matter whether you could have or not, it’s just wrong that it happened, and if you don’t feel the guilt for it, then who will? Who will care about that girl and what happened to her, if you don’t?” Zoey suddenly felt wet heat on her cheeks, and brought one hand up to wipe at it. She was shocked to find she was crying, and she buried her face in the fur of Alyssa’s neck, sobbing quietly.
         “Is this about that girl?” she asked. “Sissy?” Zoey heaved another sob but nodded. “Who is she? What happened to her?”
         Sniffling, she pulled back, but kept her hands tangled in the soft fur. “Sissy was my best friend. She was the neighbor’s daughter.” Her face twisted as she let out another sob. “And my father killed her.” As she made this last statement, emotion seemed to fill her mind, and it was a feeling similar to the pressure of Alyssa’s mind touching hers, but it was pressing from the inside, as if to get out. The rage seemed to start in her core, boiling and building until she was sure her body couldn’t contain it anymore. Her vision was tinged red, and she barely had the sense left to pull her fingers from Alyssa’s fur before her hands closed into fists. She slid down from the rock, dropping to her knees and letting out a feral sounding growl. She didn’t remember ever feeling so mad in her whole life. It felt like she took all the anger she’d ever experienced and shoved it into her mind together, at the same time.
         She was dimly aware of a soothing feeling brushing over the edges of her mind, but it was overshadowed by her deep rage. Alyssa’s cat let out a wail, as if in pain, and suddenly, the pressure disappeared. All the anger she’d held inside of her seemed to drain out into the earth below her. She was left feeling empty, as if her insides themselves had drained out with the madness. Gasping, she tried to catch her breath, when she felt Alyssa at her side, back in her human form. The naked girl was holding her distance, but put a hand out, touching Zoey’s shoulder cautiously. Zoey grabbed the hand and pulled her closer, needing the physical contact. She felt as if the rage had left a hole in her chest, an empty void that she could never fill with emotion again, and she needed Alyssa to mend it.
         As soon as her wailing quieted back down to a sob, Alyssa pulled her clothes on and went back to the other girl. She pulled her up, and one arm around her shoulders, the other holding her hand, she lead Zoey back to the dorms and into her bed. Pulling her shoes and jacket off, Alyssa slid into the bed next to her, holding her in her arms and pulling the covers up. She laid there for awhile, hushing her and rocking gently back and forth, until Zoey fell into a fitful sleep.