You know this

I just want to write about my feelings. That's why I came to this site. I hope I can feel a bit better after writing this.

I have long been speechless inside that it hurt so much. I need someone or something that would listen to my feelings.

I like a guy. He's my classmate. He's damn smart and tall. That might be the reason why I like him. We almost never talk to each other. I am more of like a very quiet kind in class. Maybe because I am from a different country. Now, you see the differences between us. It's not even a year that I like him but I feel painful inside. I am desperate and I am hopeless. I seriously want to let him go, knowing that he can't be mine. He's so much different from me. He's funny, free, a people person who has so many friends, tall, smart, stylish and has a killer smile. His smiles are unique. He always looks cute when he smiles. I know that it's just a crush but he's my first and biggest crush ever. Seriously, I want him to like me back. I don't want to lead a one-sided love. Wait, did I just use 'love'? I don't know... I don't think it's love but I don't know what is love. I have been dreaming of being with him, you know those kinds of happy memories but nothing come true. He kind of has someone as well but I have no idea who she is. I wonder what kind of girl he likes. That girl must be a damn smart girl like him. When he posts on facebook about that girl, at first I thought there's a chance that it was me, but now, all of those chances have far gone away. I am kind of self-obsessive actually. You know, because I am also quite good looking that some guys like me and that I became self-inspiring and kind of always think that I can attract whoever I want. But now, this is a different case. I tried to attract his attention but it was useless. There were times when I had good memories with him, like some thing going on between us but I am not sure whether he likes me. He is quite impressive though. He is lively and always like a pain in neck. I think that we have some things in common, for example, we both have two natures; one is lively, energectic and likes to mix with people, the other one is lonely, still and more of like quiet. One thing is ture: he will never find out how I feel about him. And that is the reason that I am feeling so sad. At least, I want him to know how I feel inside, deep and emotional. I can understand all those sad romatic songs, which were once nonsense in my ears, because of him. How nice would the world become if only I have some trace that he likes me? If only I could capture his gaze..... if only I could look into his mind.... if only I am a Singaporean.... Now, nothing is on my side. I am all alone. We have different cultures; we speak different languages (although I speak English, it's still difficult to speak and understand like a native Singaporean. We surely have communication problems); ultimately, we are different in nature. I have no idea why I fell for him though I know he's smart. Among all those smart and handsome guys, him...! You know that love is strange.

But now, I have made my decision. I will turn my back on him. I don't want to waste my time, longing for a guy who I know doesn't even think about me. I don't want to fill my teenage heart and memories with scars and pain. Now, I just want to move one. He simply couldn't make it to my future. If my mom would find out that I like a malay guy!, she sure would laugh. What she doesn't know is that malay guys have their own styles. They are very different from Chinese guys and they can be attractive in my eyes. No matter what people say, well, I want to admit that I like him but I have moved on.

I walked in the rain today. I wasn't crying but my heart was in pain. People stared at me blankly, their eyes saying that I am crazy. I tried to get wet, wishing that I would get sick. I tried to hurt myself with a pen knife but I couldn't. I didn't have that kind of insane courage. I wasn't very desperate outside but I hardly could lie on my face. People could read my emotions there. I would like to say 'Pls, don't play with my feelings. If you have no feelings for me, then, you just stay away from me. Don't get near to me and give me some stupid dreams because I am not your doll.'

But I can be very good at pretending. Nobody ever finds out about my story. I totally ignored him. My heart would have space for him but my face doesn't. I don't know what got me into this serious level. I wasn't this desperate at first. I was totally under control. I didn't even think about him. Maybe facebook is the problem. You know, I go on facebook everyday so that even though it's Christmas holidays, I have news about him which keep me contact with him. If only there is no facebook, then I won't even know about his girl thing. Maybe I won't even get to know him. Maybe I won't be this desperate at all. Facebook is the source of problem. Screw you, facebook :(

I went to Clarke Quay, sitting at the riverside, writing painful sentences. Who would find out that little paper which I put onto water? Who would know that I spent almost four hours, sitting there, staring into blankness?

Good bye. I always want you to smile and laugh. I want you to be happy. Don't worry about me. I will get used to being lonely and alone. I know that you have someone else in your heart. Embrace her with care and I know that she has a greater love than the one I have for you. I will always remember those loving memories.. those thankful memories... and those painful memories.

What is love? In maths, a problem. In history, a battle. In science, it's a reaction. In art, a heart. But to me? Love will and simply be you.