Easy Women

Easy Women
A One Act Play By:
Oaken Beeson


Scene opens: Two men sitting at a table, looks like some kind of pub, Chuck Berry is playing in the background, visible dartboard, wooden panels along the back, unseen cockroaches run the place. The lights should be low to hide the place but they aren’t. Like they know it’s a shit hole and don’t care.

JACK seated on left is older by appearance. Possibly late thirties. He’s rugged in a long life kinda way. He’s been there seen that, and learned from his mistakes. He’s urban to the core with street looks and confidance.. Underneath he’s most likely a cowboy.

LEVI on right is younger, maybe around early thirties late twenties. Wears an old cap, blue jeans, and scruffy hair peeks out through the gaps. He looks up to the other man, almost undetectable but it’s there. Seems self-conscience, but highly intelligent. He’s lived in the world but never really understood it. He probably never will.

WAITRESS brings them two beers, holding the lips of the glasses. Dark and thick on the right, light and watery on the left. She winks at the dark ale man then leaves. He leans over and watches her walk back up to the bar end.

Seated at a booth upstage right sits two old men playing chess on a travel board one of them probably brought in. They’re quiet, don’t react to the room and are drinking something resembling bourbon. The WAITRESS checks on them occasionally and brings them drinks when needed. Another couple, a young man and a young women, sit at a booth downstage right. They look either underage or barely legal, and so touchy feely they have to be on a first or second date. They seem so engrossed with each other that they barely notice when the WAITRESS comes around to see them. They have been nursing the same drinks since they arrived.

LEVI: See what I mean.

JACK: Ya, well, don’t let it go to your head.

LEVI (around his beer): Speaking of women, I met a girl last week

JACK: Tell me something new. (He pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a zippo.)


LEVI: No, I’m serious this time, she was really cool.

JACK: (he lights his cigarette and looks disgusted): Levi, I love you like a brother but I’m getting tired of hearing about your women issues.

LEVI: They’re not issues man, they’re details. Things that I think are important in my life and that I feel the urge to share with you. You should feel blessed that I chose you for my confidant.

JACK: Oh, yeah, I’m blessed alright.

LEVI: Seriously, I think she was almost the one.

-Pause-

JACK: I’m not even about to ask, so just tell me and get it out.

LEVI: Fine, you don’t care, you don’t wanna hear. Fine, let’s talk about sports or some bullshit. How was that hockey game today? Didn’t you go with Joan, front row tickets and whatever?

JACK: Yes, I did go with Joan and no we didn’t fuck, okay? (He can’t seem to find an ashtray so he discreetly ashes on the floor.)

LEVI: Oooh, touchy touchy. Did I hit a weak spot there partner?

JACK: Nope, not at all. I just didn’t feel like pursuing it at the time. She was bugging me.

LEVI: Uh-huh, right. You mean she didn’t want your scanky ass gettin’ hair all over her flannel sheets.

JACK: Har har, that’s it. You nailed it. Good for you.

LEVI: (takes a cigarette out of JACK’S pack and lights it): Seriously, what happened.

JACK: Seriously, I didn’t feel it. She was annoying, kept asking me how the game was played. Stupid shit, like, (does mock impersonation) “What is that black thingy they’re hitting called again?”

LEVI: Ouch.

JACK: Yeah. She was driving me nuts. After that she just wasn’t appealing to me anymore. Go figure.


LEVI: (trying not to laugh):Well, I’ve been telling you how many times now? You’re getting old. It’s getting harder and harder for you to even get it up let alone with someone who ain’t Tracy Lords or something.

JACK: I might be getting old but I can still whoop your punk ass. And drink a beer while I’m doing it.

LEVI: Heh heh ya, ya, keep talking old man.

JACK: Okay, so tell me all about this new chick you met. Let me guess, she gave you a blow job and you fell instantly in love right? Or was it the red lipstick again? No wait, she bought you a new car so you can visit her at a chatue in the hills for weekend juggling contests. Ya, that would have sold me, too.

LEVI: Juggling. You crack me up. No, she wasn’t rich and no we didn’t sleep together. She was just really nice and smiled the whole time and she smelled great. She smelled like trees.

-Pause-

LEVI: What?

JACK: Trees specifically, or pinecones and the whole bit?

LEVI: I don’t know, trees, bark, earth, pine needles, grass, whatever. Just down to earth kinda smell, it turned me on like you wouldn’t believe. She was like some mountain faerie without the wings. It was incredible. I never thought the natural smell of a women could be so much better than that crap they sell out of a bottle. I’m now officially a nonperfumist, like a nonconformist but with more specifics.

JACK: Fuck me. Enough already, get to the ‘almost’ part.

LEVI: Alright, alright, she had just one, small, minute, practically inconsequential problem. (Pauses, takes a drag of his cigarette, then puts it out on his shoe. Seems to be waiting for someone to ask him a question. Waits, they both stare at each other, then.....)

JACK: You know I don’t fall for that drawn out suspense bullshit, just tell me or not.

LEVI: (Looks annoyed. He almost decides not to tell him, but can’t hold it in anymore.) She was funky looking sideways. (He spits out.)

It gets nothing but a blank stare.


LEVI: She was pretty in a faerie kinda way but when she turned her face it was all shattered. Head on I liked her, profile I didn’t. I just couldn’t get over it. One minute I was like, my God, this women is amazing. Then, POW, she looked away and it was a whole different person. I think it was the nose and chin. They just stuck out. You wouldn’t know it from the front though. Weird, huh?

JACK: Well, that might have been weird if the last girl didn’t have too much hair, or the girl before that didn’t have ‘tough tasting’ skin, or the girl before that......

LEVI: Okay, okay, I get it. I know, that’s the problem. There’s always some little fucking thing that I can’t get over. I can’t tell if it’s a sign to keep looking, or that I might never find her and I should just deal with what I got. (Takes the last swig of his beer and proceeds to scan the room for the WAITRESS. He sees her at the bar talking to the bartender, he tries to wave but she doesn’t see him.)

JACK: I don’t know what to tell you. Life just isn’t all fantasy and soul mates and fairies. It is what it is. You take what your dealt and make a hand out of it. Bluff if you have to, but win. Hell, cheat if you have to. Whatever it takes. But stop sitting around trying to figure out the big fucking mystery. Because there ain’t no fucking mystery, there ain’t no
magical lovey dovey world. This is it. See that waitress over there? She ain’t no faerie, no princess, no soul mate of anyone but herself. You can squint all you want and dream she’s some goddess but in the end you’ll open your eyes and see what she really is. A girl. A
girl with faults, real feelings, ugly fucking feet and stretch marks. You keep looking for this perfect girl and you’ll end up fat and old and alone. I can’t tell you whether to keep looking or not. I can’t tell you to take that faerie girl either. All the advice I can give,
unwillingly, and just so you’ll quit fucking talking about it, is to see the world as it really is. Get rid of the magic, get rid of the illusions, just see the reality. See the dirt and the mini malls, look at the faces of people on the subways. Do you see love? Right. Do you see some glint in their eyes that makes you think of trees? Jesus. You know what these people are thinking? Nothing. Not-a-God-damn-fucking-thing. They just want to forget they’re on some fucking train with way too many people they don’t know, don’t wanna know, and if it was up to them they would have been on that train alone. The only thing you can depend on to be truth in this life is that everyone thinks only of themselves first.....

LEVI: What, we’re all selfish bastards? We all hate everyone else and wish we were dead on a daily basis, is that it? You’re so negative. How do you breath?

JACK: I didn’t say we wished we were dead. I don’t wish I was dead and I’m sure as shit you don’t wish for it. You’re too fucking naive. That kind of innocence doesn’t have the balls for suicide. What I’m saying is that before all else you come first. Not them. Self preservation will always rule out anything else. You do a good deed and somewhere deep down inside where you don’t wanna look is that part of you that was hoping for some recognition for it. Some praise, some girl to run up and say you’re the most caring man she ever met and will you fuck her brains out right there. It’s in all of us. No good deed goes without a selfish wish. It’s like good and evil, one can’t be without the other.

WAITRESS ( finally comes back.): Another round guys? (Standing blushingly close to Levi.)


LEVI (He looks up at her and tries not to look at her breasts.): Ya, that’d be great.

WAITRESS: Same thing?

LEVI: What? Oh, yah, beer wise. Sure, I mean, for me ya that’d be fine. Jack? Same thing there?
Ya, same for both of us. Thanks.

She smiles at him and leaves.

JACK: Great, how much you bet I hear about her faults next?

LEVI: I don’t think she has any. So you never got to my original point. Can you be with a girl that’s only ugly from the side? Seriously, I need your honest opinion here.

JACK: I’ve been trying to give you my honest opinion but apparently it’s going right over your head. If you were listening to me you would have got that, of course, I fucking would. If she was perfect in every other way but that, then yes. That part of her is what makes her unique. But that’s just my opinion of what I would do, not what you should do. I’m in no way giving you advice on what you should do. Okay? Comprende? Understand?

LEVI: So I should just let it go and get used to it right?

JACK: I give up.

LEVI: What?

JACK: Forget it, can we talk about something else?

LEVI: Fine, forget it, right. I hate talking about women anyway. Hey, you think that waitress digs me?

JACK: Jesus Christ...... How about we throw some darts?

LEVI: Ya, cool, I’ll go get the darts, I think she forgot our beers anyway.

JACK: Do me a favor while you’re up.

LEVI: What’s that?

JACK: Try and NOT to get that waitress’s phone number while you’re over there okay?

LEVI: Uh, okay. I wasn’t going to.

JACK: Sure.


LEVI goes to the end of the bar and talks to WAITRESS, JACK gathers coats and moves upstage to dartboard area. HE sits at cocktail table, smokes cigarettes, and waits for LEVI to return.

LEVI: So, um, hey there. (Cheesy grin.) We would like to play some darts, do I come to you for that or....

WAITRESS: No, that’d be Duffy here. (Gestures at bartender.) He just needs an I.D. you know, so you don’t run off and steal our (sarcastic) professional darts here.

Duffy (laughs as he reaches under the bar and sets six darts on top): A drivers licence will do.

Duffy is an older man, possibly mid forty’s. He has a dark complexion, thick black hair and a pot belly. Seems jovial enough but not to be toyed with. One of those bartenders who doesn’t need a bat behind the bar.

LEVI takes out his wallet and sets down some form of I.D. Duffy whips out a huge black flashlight and checks it out. Seems fine. Puts the card by the register.

DUFFY: Looks good. Don’t hurt yourself.

WAITRESS: Oh, Sorry I forgot your beer! I’m so spacey today!

LEVI: That’s fine, don’t worry about it, but actually, since I’m here, how about two shots of Cuervo. Actually, no. (Peruses the back wall.) What else you got? Patron? Ya, let’s do Patron. No set-up.

DUFFY gets out two shot glasses and proceeds to pour and chill shots.

WAITRESS: Man who knows his Tequila. I never respect a man who can drink that cheap shit.

LEVI: I’m high class all the way, baby.(Blushes.)

WAITRESS (laughs a little too cheaply): I love a man with a sense of humor, too. (Grabs his arm for a brief moment.)

LEVI (gets nervous): Um, yeah, I’m a regular riot.

DUFFY (sets out the two shots): This on your friends tab or do you wanna pay for it?

LEVI: Tab is fine, thanks. (To WAITRESS): Well, if you get bored come say high, okay?

WAITRESS: Sure honey.

LEVI smiles and quickly goes back over to JACK.


JACK: What, no number? You losin’ you’re touch?

LEVI: Fucking women make me nervous.

WAITRESS comes over with their two beers to stand behind LEVI.

JACK: Pussy. (Grins.)

LEVI: It’s her goddamn big ass tits, I can’t stop...

WAITRESS: You forgot your beers boys.

LEVI (jumps): Oh! Ya, we did, I mean, I did. I mean, yeah, thanks. You didn’t have to bring them over, I was about to come back. (Coughs.)

WAITRESS: Quite alright. Here’s your darts, too. Thought they might be handy for playing with. (Winks at LEVI and walks back to the bar with chest a little too puffed out.)

LEVI: Jesus. Thanks for the warning asshole.

JACK: Sorry, I was blinded by her tits. (Smirks.)

They take the shots and begin to play darts. They play off and on through out the dialog.

LEVI: Get ready to get whooped.

JACK: Right, you willing to put a little wager on that?

LEVI: Nope. Don’t wanna take your money.

JACK: Right.

LEVI: So tell me, you seemed so high and mighty about my love life, but what about yours? You don’t seem to be jumping down the marriage lane any time soon yourself.

JACK: What’s your point?

LEVI: Just that you tell me all the time that I’m picky, but what about you? Take Joan for instance. Every women you go out with bugs you in some way. What’s with that?

JACK: It’s not that they bug me. I just can’t stand a girl who walks around oblivious. I don’t care if you do it, but I can’t respect a women who can’t see past her own reflection.

LEVI: I’m not sure how to take that.


JACK: Then don’t.

LEVI: Don’t what?

JACK: Look, no offense, but you have had a somewhat sheltered life. It makes you soft. I’m not saying it’s bad, hell, I respect it. You can go through life with this positive outlook ‘cause you’ve never really known pain. I hope you never do. But I’ve seen pain, real pain. It leaves a sort of impression on you. Like a mark. A......something mark.

LEVI: Melancholy.

JACK: What?

LEVI: A Melancholy mark. Like sadness only more morose.

JACK: Right. Whatever. Anyway, I just can’t be with someone who hasn’t been through that kind of pain. It just doesn’t work for me.

LEVI: That’s deep man.

JACK: Shut up.

LEVI: You ever heard of Marcello Mastroianni?

JACK: You seriously want your ass kicked don’t you?

LEVI: No, listen to me. He reminds me of you. He was an actor, did a lot for Fellini. Not like you ever will, but you should check out Le Dolce Vita, I think it would help you.

JACK: Don’t try and make me feel stupid. I hate that.

LEVI: Don’t try to make me feel naive and stupid.

JACK: Touche’

LEVI: I didn’t know you knew French.

JACK: I’m really about to pound your fucking skull in.

LEVI: Easy tiger. Don’t get your panties all bunched up, I’m just trying to help.

JACK: Well, try helping your dart game. It needs it more than me.

WAITRESS (comes over with two more shots, sets them on the table): Here you go sweeties. Duffy says these are on the house. Says you been here long enough for at least that.


JACK: Well, isn’t that sweet. Why don’t you have one with us hot stuff.

WAITRESS: Not quite yet. Maybe later when Duf’s in a better mood. You guys aren’t leavin’ right away are you?

JACK: Levi? We leavin’ anytime soon?

LEVI: Um, no, I don’t think so, no. I’ll wait.....I mean, we’ll wait for you. I’m in no hurry, were just playing darts here, so yeah. Thanks for the shots.

They pick up the shots and prepare to drink them. They act like all men about to do a shot of Tequila, like they’re doing something brave that should get some kind of a reward, but unfortunately there never is one. At least, not a good one.

JACK: Bottoms up. (Drinks the shot with LEVI. Both grimace, not because it’s gross, more because there’s a girl watching.)

JACK: That hits the spot.

WAITRESS: You’re welcome. (Takes shots and goes back to bar. Sits and watches TV, occasionally glances at LEVI. Duffy is reading a paper and smoking short cigars.)

JACK: Lemme ask you something.

LEVI: Do I want to know?

JACK: How the hell can you be this great ladies man when women scare the beejeebies out of you?

LEVI: I don’t know, maybe that’s what attracts them. I’ve wondered the same thing, but it never fails, women just like me. You figure it out and let me know.

JACK: I think I have.

LEVI: Oh, pray tell.

JACK: I call it, virginesque. Shut it, I made it up okay. It represents a personality type. Some men call it a pussy, but I prefer virginesque. You know, the sensitive type. The ones women want to control, take home to Dadda, shit like that. They sense prey, they attack. With me they sense predator, they run away screaming. Don’t get me wrong, I get enough women to keep me happy but they’re all the wrong type. I get the girly, squealy, little girl types. You get the mature, self dependent, the meaning of women types. I get what you want, you get what I want. It’s almost ironic.


LEVI: Never thought of it that way. I don’t think I’m a pussy by the way. It’s not like I fucking cry when I see a sunset or anything.

JACK: First off, I said ‘some’ people would call it that. I have more respect for it. Not that you are or not, it’s just what you put out. I wish I had it so don’t get all pissed off. (He sees Levi staring at him) What?

LEVI: The uncarved block.

JACK: What are you spouting now?

LEVI: Taoist principle referring to the....

JACK: Shut, the, fuck, up.

LEVI: Sorry.

JACK: You’re a pain in my ass.

LEVI: I thought we were bonding?

JACK: Who said we’re bonding. You’re a pussy remember? Just stay on your side and don’t look at my ass anymore.

LEVI: What can I say, you look mighty cute in them jeans cowboy.

JACK: That ain’t even remotely funny. It’s your shot.

The young couple decide to head out. They leave some cash on the table on leave, hugging and whatnot. The WAITRESS cleans the table and takes the money and empty glasses back to the bar. She counts the money left, shakes her head, and puts the bills into her pocket. LEVI and JACK continue playing darts through it all.

WAITRESS: I can’t believe you served those two kids.

DUFFY: Hell, we need all the business we can get. I didn’t see you try to card them or anything.

WAITRESS: Yeah, I know. Didn’t feel like going through that whole bit. They’d just give me some line like they forgot them in their car or some crap.

DUFFY: Most likely. You were a kid once too you know.

WAITRESS: No shit? Wow, who would of thought. What’s your point Duffy?

DUFFY: It’s none of my business, but you seem to have some “thing” about people younger than you. Some pent up anger or somethin’. I don’t see you having kids any time soon, that’s for sure.


WAITRESS: For one thing, yes, it is none of your business. For another, I never said I hated kids. I just don’t relate with them. They give me the willies’s.

DUFFY: Hey, I’m not exactly Jolly Saint Nick myself. I just thought you must have had a rough childhood is all.

WAITRESS: Good and bad are all relevant. I can’t go back and change it so I don’t think about it. It is what it is. And I think you’d make a cute Santa. How about dressin’ up a bit this Christmas?

DUFFY: You gonna be my elf for the night?

WAITRESS: You might be a cute Santa but you sure don’t act like one.

DUFFY: Ho bloody ho.

WAITRESS leaves the bar and checks on her chess playing customers. DUFFY goes back to his paper.

JACK: What am I, playing myself here? Jesus.

LEVI: Look, I never claimed to be a pro dartist, or dart thrower or whatever, okay? Get off me.

JACK: It’s not like this is all that friggin hard. You aim at the pretty colors and throw a metal pointed thingy at the wall. Why do you think it’s only played in bars? Only drunks can call this challenging.

LEVI: Excuse me Mr. Almighty Master of Metal Slingers. Please don’t bother to lower your status and talk to us beneath you. People might talk.

JACK: You should be so lucky.

LEVI: Luck has nothing to do with it.

-BLACKOUT-

Scene opens with LEVI, JACK, the WAITRESS, and DUFFY all sprawled and sitting in various chairs all around center stage. A loose company of drinkers having their last drink of the night. The bar looks closed up with half lighting, no other customers and a smokey look of deep conversation and too much alcohol.

WAITRESS: So you boys got any plans for the rest of the night? (Eyes LEVI.)

LEVI: Actually, ya we have this.....


JACK (interrupts LEVI): No, we don’t have a damn thing to do tonight, why what’s on your mind? (Gives LEVI a look.)

WAITRESS (looks from JACK to LEVI then back to JACK): Well, I have some booze at my place.

JACK: Do you now? You happen to have a sister there as well?

WAITRESS: No, but I do have a friend who happens to live right across the hall from me.

JACK: Well that there sounds like a plan, what do you say there partner?

LEVI: Um, ya, sounds okay to me I guess. How far do you live?

WAITRESS: Not far at all. Like a mile at most. You wanna come too, Duf?

DUFFY: Oh, no I think I’ll pass this one up darlin’, thanks though. I have a brand new remote control bed thing I need to figure out. Not used to sleepin’ alone quite yet.

WAITRESS (gives DUFFY a look of deep sympathy): I understand love. You remember to call me if you need anything, okay? I said okay?

DUFFY: I hear you. I promise if I need someone to tuck me in you’ll be first on my list.

WAITRESS: I’m serious. I’m like five minutes away from you. It’s no problem.

DUFFY: Thanks. I appreciate it, I really do. Now I need to get home. Close up for me will you?

WAITRESS: You bet, get some sleep, I’ll see you tomorrow right?

DUFFY: Always. You boys be good. Come back and visit.

JACK and LEVI get up, shake hands and mumble their gratitude with the usual parting rituals.

DUFFY gets a coat from behind the bar goes to the front door, locks it, then exits through a door beside the bar.

WAITRESS: He’s a good man. Rare breed. Seems to always happen to the best of them.

LEVI: What happened to him?

WAITRESS: His wife died three months ago from cancer. Took her a year to go, he took care of her the whole time at home. They were married for twenty-two years.

LEVI: Jesus.

JACK: Poor fucker.

WAITRESS: Ya, this place was actually hers. It was never the same after she left. Business has dropped so much I think he’s gonna close it soon. I don’t know what he’ll do then.

LEVI: Life has a funny way of screwing us in the end. Kinda takes all the fun out of it.

JACK: Here here. ( Raises his glass for a toast.) To life and all it’s little fucking twists.

They all raise their glasses and toast.



Work in Progress....