Prologue to Life of a Thief

  Prologue







            -Life is like a bath. The bubbles just don’t last long enough.







So here we are. Bloody, gooey, cold, bald, and blind as a bat. What a way to come into the world. You know why babies wail as soon as they come out? Let me tell you, it’s not because they just came out of some Eden-like shangri-la that everyone talks about, the almighty womb. Oh no. They kick, scream, wail, scratch, claw, and all else because of the whole injustice of it all. I mean who in their right mind would WANT to be put in a body tight enclosure for nine months covered and floating in some kinda goo, blind, no ability to scream, and fed predigested food. I would wail my baby ass off!

Luckily for me I was one of the first water-born babies in Colorado. (Or so I was told by my frequently inebriated mother.) Some genius, and I mean some pure blood straight up genius, came up with the idea of not only putting fresh popped babies straight into a nice pool of warm water, but to also give them a nice massage and an all around spa treatment. I mean is that a grade A flippin’ genius or am I a New York City cab driver who can’t find Times Square? So here I am, floating in a mixture of distilled water, blood, and some other as of yet unidentified gooey substance, I’m being massaged, conversed with, cleaned, loved, and ironically babied. Now if I could just open my eyes I’d be in baby heaven. That’s a whole other story that will not be told here. ( Although it was a good story, but how does one describe the first time you lay eyes on the glorious, squishy, soft, vanilla goodness of boobs? Exactly, it can’t be done.)

The story told here is of my life. I might have had the most unusual set of circumstances handed to me than any other human being on earth. I stress the “earth” factor. So I thought to myself, or my friend Maker’s thought to myself, that I should write a book about it. What do I have to lose I thought, or my now half full friend Maker’s thought, whichever. I start at the beginning and shoot through to middle school and then to college. From then on it gets a little confusing and sometimes a little scary so consider yourself warned and if I were you I’d return this book and get your money back as soon as possible. Unless you bought this used or have already thrown away your receipt, either way you’re screwed. So you might as well try and enjoy my story and don’t take anything to seriously, I didn’t and look where it got me.