...Sharper Than a Serpent's Tooth...

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions". William Shakespeare





I thought that I had it made.  I was happy, in a sense, to raise my daughters alone.  I had two of them.  I did not need permission nor did I require a second opinion  regarding any decisions that I made.   I really didn't see what all of the hubbub was about.  You've all heard the constant whining regarding single parenting.  Well, I wasn't one of them. 



I didn't have much in the beginning.  No parents.  Both deceased.  No close family ties.  I missed family ties, but I was the "odd one out."  Too    "booksy" for my brothers and sisters and considered odd for reading so much.  In the beginning, I had welfare and food stamps.  But I struggled to get my daughters out of the projects.  When they entered grade school, I took that golden opportunity to "better" myself.  I would work two part-time jobs to make ends meet while attending classes full-time. 



1993 brought my first Associate's degree in Computer Information Systems.  My children were so proud.   I took them everywhere with me even to class.  I wanted them to experience a world outside of the ghetto.  1998 ended with my bachelor's degree in Secondary Education and a teaching license.  I practically had to start over, but that's okay.  I had found my niche.  I taught for 11 years in the public schools system.  I was a very successful and popular teacher.  Other teachers would often ask my opinion before they sent out important letters.  I was "The English Teacher."  I made Who's Who Among America's Teachers THREE TIMES!  That was a big deal to me.  I had substituted in various classrooms for most of my academic life.  Nearly every success was for the benefit of my daughters.



I LOVED my children.  I didn't get to raise the eldest daughter, but the youngest had all of me.  We listened to the same music.  I knew all of Dr. Dre's songs.  I was very familiar with Hip Hop (because my daughter was) and I could quote Snoop Dog and Tupac to the point that even my students were impressed.  I think that I felt guilty about her not having her sister with me and also the fact that she was an only child in every sense of the word.  My temper and initial short patience cost me the privilege of raising my eldest.  But I learned to control my temper and tried to win parent of the year every year after CPS came and got her. 



What can I say??  I made mistakes.  Doesn't everybody?  I tried so hard to be a good parent.  Maybe I tried too hard.  I didn't go out to clubs and stuff and leave my young daughter alone.  I didn't have a variety of men parading around in front of her.  I tried to teach both of them when I could about what is permissible and what is not permissible.  I taught them common sense.  Work ethics.  But, enough of how hard I tried.



I became sick during my tenth year of teaching.  Did I forget to mention that I had a chronic disease???  Oh snap!  I have been an insulin dependent diabetic ever since I had my youngest 27 years ago.  My eldest is 31 years old.  I refused to go on disability.  I wanted the good life.  I wanted to travel.  Anyhoo, the stress and strain of the years took its toll.  I developed uncontrolled high blood pressure, plague in my heart arteries, arthritis and so on.  I became weak and short of breath.  I was also beginning to miss work to the point of having my paycheck cut in half not to mention the fact that I was also losing control in the classroom with my temper.  Time to leave.  I was so weak that I had to take the wheelchair cart around Wal-Mart.  I didn't have the strength to go and pay my bills.  My youngest daughter had just gotten an apartment in another city and I asked to move in with her.  She sounded empathetic and very concerned.  She wasn't.



DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM NOW??????????

I honestly did not know that I was NOT welcomed there.  I only needed a place to stay until my state disability came through. (about two years)  It wasn't easy for me.  I slept all of the time.  I was between insurance and out of medicine.  When I did get to a "free clinic," I found that I had nearly gone comatose.  I couldn't keep food down.  This often included coffee and water.  I found out AFTER I left work that I had a non-working gall bladder, bleeding ulcers, GERD, and a chronically infected saliva gland.  No wonder my daughter despised me.  The burden was too much for her.  She used to call me everyday that I worked.  Sometimes two or three times per day.  Now she never has time to talk.   When she came to visit, my eldest daughter told me that whenever I called the youngest, she would swear under her breath and say, "She makes me sick!!"  Then she would fix her voice and say very softly, "What Ma?"  I had noticed that she was often hateful towards me for no reason.  I cooked and cleaned her house while she was at work on my "good" days.  I asked her to please see people and to not hesitate to have overnight guests.  She said that she could not do that.



Two out of four operations later. I am better physically, but emotionally, I am broken.  I can't finish a sentence if I get upset.  I am living in a strange city with no family near me.  My youngest moved back home with my eldest soon after I got my own place.  Right back in the projects.  I feel so useless and "thrown away."  Neither of the girls have much time for me and they rarely call.  The emptiness and loneliness are endless.  I have been absent from Writing.com because of what I have been going through for the past two or three years.



2010 ended with the acquisition of my master's degree in Curriculum, Instruction, and Assessment. I was nearly finished with it before I became ill.  My goal was to eventually become an educational consultant.  Can't take that much stress now.  I am through crying.  All I can do now is to try to begin again, but this time, it will be ALL 4 ME.



"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!" - William Shakespeare