Speechless (Chapter 2)

Chapter 2
The Visit

"Tiarra, are you home?"
I heard a voice from the front door. "Marcus, I'm in the kitchen." I stopped stirring the spaghetti sauce and walked into the living room. Marcus was standing there with a dozen yellow roses. "What are these for?"
"You! Darnell told me what happened the other night. Trust me; I got on his case for being an asshole to you." Marcus and I walked into the kitchen. I went back to stirring the sauce and he sat at the table watching me the way I use to watch my mother when she cooked. “I told you…” I was not going to let him say anything bad about Darnell. Marcus was quick to make it seem like Darnell was not good for me. Weird but wasn’t he the one who introduced us. Well, brought him into the party and into my life. Marcus made it seem like Darnell was not good enough for me. I refused to let him ruin this. He had his own opinions about D for some reason. If he was here he was going to help me cook dinner and not hate on Darnell.
"Don't just sit there, start cutting up the carrots and lettuce for the salad." Marcus grabbed the head of lettuce. "Wash your hands first." I laughed. Marcus got up, washed his hands and went back to creating the salad. "It's Darnell's lost. I just don't understand it though. He was the one taking me out every night and giving signs he wanted to be more than friends."
"When I asked him what was going on between the two of you, he said 'T, is cool and I love being around her, but I'm not ready to be committed. With this new contract, I don’t have time to settle down."
"Settle down? Committed?" I interrupted him. "Marcus, I wasn't asking him to marry me. I just wrote him a poem telling him I liked him more than a friend."
"Babygirl, I know. I read the poem and I tried to explain it to him. You know how he is: pretends to be cocky but really is a scared little boy." He laughed.
"Yeah, like you!" I turned around, smiled and winked at him. "I don't get you two. You get these good girls and then you let them go. Like Aubrey, Marcus, she was the best girl for you and you threw it away for what?"
"Can we not talk about her?" Marcus placed the lettuce in the salad. "So, you're having this big dinner and you didn't invite me. I see how it is."
I grabbed the bread and put it on a pan and placed it in the oven. "Big dinner? I'm making Spaghetti. What is so big and special about that?"
"Because it's your spaghetti with that special sauce." We laughed. "For real, what is the occasion for this dinner?"
Afraid to answer him I pretended I didn't hear him. Luckily I heard Keyshia Cole singing Love on my phone. "Hello, oh hi, you’re on your way? Well, dinner is almost done...Yup... See you soon. Peace!" I hung up the phone and smiled.
"Tiarra, who's coming for dinner?" Marcus walked over to me and tried to stare in my eyes. He was only a few inches taller than me, but with my heels on, I defiantly was taller than him; therefore, the idea of intimidating me was very difficult. "Tiarra!" I told you he acts just like a big brother.
"Well, you're going to find out anyway, Steven is coming up for the weekend." I quickly turned around and pretended to stir the sauce. I added some ingredients and just waited for him to scream on me. Surprisingly he stayed calm.
"That's good. You deserve to have a good weekend with him." Marcus went back to finishing the salad.
"You're not mad at me?" I walked to the sink and made sure the spaghetti was drained well and placed it back into the pot and placed the stove on warm.
"Nah, you know after what D did to you I know you want to run back to Steven." The sound of the knife hitting the cardboard could have wakened all the dead in NYC.
"Marcus, it's not like that. Steven was going to come up anyway. A friend of his is getting married and he needed a place to stay so he wouldn't have to pay for a hotel." I walked over to him and began slicing the tomatoes. The cardboard was still getting abused by Marcus' strong strokes of cutting the carrots. "Relax. Please!"
"No, because he is going to come here, sweet talk you, and then you will fall back in love with him. Then I have to come here and wipe your tears, because this relationship doesn't work out again for the billionth time." The carrots dropped into the bowl. Tomatoes took over the salad and we both grabbed a cucumber. Marcus destroyed the cucumber more than the carrots.
"I love him and I always will. Steven is my best friend and I will do what I have to do to keep him in my life. We are friends and if I have sex with him than it will be my choice not because Steven sweet-talks me. And I know a relationship is not going to work, so I won't come crying to you."
"You ask me to help you get your mind off of Steven and every time you do, you find something wrong with the new guys and run back to him." Marcus began to slow up on the cucumbers.
"No, not all of them. I found nothing wrong with Darnell and I really wanted to be with him. He found something wrong with me." I started getting emotional and tears dwelled in my eyes.
"Fuck Darnell. I never wanted you to talk to him and I told you that. But yeah, you wouldn’t listen. This aint about him anyway. It's about you and you need to stop this shit with Steven. Tiarra, for your sake, know that friendship is all you and Steven can have." He walked over and hugged me.
"Marcus, you can't get mad at me. I'm trying to move on, but I can't. I love Steven, but I'm willing to be with someone else. I opened up to Darnell and was ready to be with him. You're right. The other ones I found something wrong with them, but look at the guys you brought to me: one had gold in his mouth, ewww; another still lived with his momma at the age of 25; and the other one had three kids by three different ladies."
"Alright, so they weren't the best out there, but neither is Steven." He walked back over and put the rest of the chopped cucumbers in the salad. I sprinkled the cheese over the top and shook the bowl. I had to ignore his comment, because I knew he was telling the truth. Steven was not perfect for me. He was not the one that I deserved, but how could I let him go. Every time I tried, I was somehow reminded about our love and began to crave for it. I always forgave Steven and never cared about the negative shit we went through. I had this idea in my head that if I stayed in Syracuse Steven and I would still be together. I even tried to go back so many times, but Steven wouldn't hear it.
I got accepted at both Syracuse University and New York University for grad school. I got into a few more schools but SU and NYU were tied at my number one choice. NYU had been my dream, something I've always wanted, but SU was home and Steven. Which one to choose? They both gave the equal amount of money and honestly, either one of them I would have been financial supported; however, I had to choose myself or Steven. I tried using my family as an excuse of why I wanted to attend SU, but Steven knew me better than that. "Your family? T, you've spent most of your life counting down the days when you were in NYC away from your family. Don't lie."
He was right! I loved my family so much and it was hard when I went to school in Mass without them. I started to realize just how special they were to me and loved coming home for breaks and holidays, but I still craved for the independence of NYC. It was not until Steven and I met that SU had even crossed my mind. We stayed up for nights and weeks arguing about my grad school destination. It came down to him telling me that even if I choose SU and was here we wouldn't be together because he couldn't allow me to give up my dreams. Some say that was proof Steven never really wanted to be with me, but he did the right thing because I had to go to NYC for me and achieve my dreams. He told me, if I chose SU, I would regret it and never truly be happy. Steven knew me better than anyone else and the next day I set my deposit into NYU and started to plan a life in NYC and a life without Steven.

“Tiarra, stop day dreaming!" Marcus yelled. "Yo, the salad is finished and I took the bread out the oven since it almost burnt because you were too busy day dreaming."
"Sorry! I'm a dreamer by nature." I laughed. I started to get the plates and candles and placed them on the table.
"Babygirl, I'm ‘bout to be out. I just wanted to make sure everything was good. Call me on Monday and maybe we can go out for a drink or something.” Marcus kissed me on the check and we started walking to the door.
"Thanks for listening and helping with the salad." I opened the door and there was Steven standing there arms filled with luggage.
“What up, Steven?” Marcus and Steven shook hands and Marcus walked out the door. In that moment all of the happiness in the world came rushing to me, almost knocked me down.
“Hi baby! Come in,” I said grabbing for his suitcase. He would not let me help him, but he walked into the house and straight into my bedroom. I closed the door and followed behind him. I had this fine, muscular man laying on my bed on his back staring up at the ceiling, deep in thought. I stared at him and thought about all of the many memories we use to have in his room. I climbed on to the bed and laid down next to him. Like always Steven was taken up the majority of the bed, no matter what size bed we were in, I struggled to find a place on the bed; the only solution to be comfortable was to climb on top of him. So, I did. Sitting up, moving closer to him, one leg went over him and I was straddling him. A smile appeared on his lips and I slowly felt my lips being sucked down to his, like two magnets fighting not to touch, I tried to restrain myself, impossible. Our lips said hello and my body started talking to him. We rolled over and switched positions; he was on top of me, still kissing me. I opened my eyes as our lips had stopped moving.
“T, did you miss me?” He whispered to me. It was like a routine, I had it memorized. He always asked if I missed him and what did I miss him about him. Couldn’t he tell from the way I looked at him that my eyes missed the sight of his amazing body, those muscles that got bigger every time I saw him; my lips missed the taste of his lips; my hands missed the feel of his body touching each muscle; my hips and thighs missed how his hands caressed it so perfectly; and most of all my ears missed the sound of his voice.
“Of course, baby!” I smiled at him and leaned into kiss him. “Did you miss me?”
“Yes!” We kissed again. This time I fell into the zone as I always did, where nothing else mattered but him. For some reason I couldn’t continue.
“Wait, Steven.” I turned my head away from him and he got up off me and rolled over to the other side of the bed. “Baby, I’m sorry, but I can’t kiss you and not want to be with you. We’ve agreed a thousand times we can only be friends, so while you are here we have to control ourselves and not give into temptation.” I had to more like remind myself. Steven looked confused.
“T, we can be friends, if that’s what you want.” He stared into my eyes and again I fought not to kiss him.
“Friends. It’s not a choice. It’s what has to be, since I’m here and you’re there.” I almost began to cry, but Steven’s stomach took over the awkward silence that was about to occur. We laughed. My stomach was talking more than me, so I got up and pulled Steven into the kitchen. He sat down and I began to put spaghetti on his plate. The salad soon occupied his and mine bowls and before I knew it, both of our glasses had been filled with wine. I placed his plate in front of him and put mine down. I sat down and we started to eat.
“T, this is good! I’m impressed.” Steven laughed. He knew my cooking ability was very far off. Pancakes, eggs, hot coco, those were my specialties, but since I moved out to NYC, cooking was on my own. Cheri realized my lack of cooking ability and taught me the basics and then I took my Italian roots and started adding a bit of my own flavor to everything. I enjoyed cooking and was proud of what I could do in the kitchen.
“Thanks baby, I told you I was getting better.” I winked at him and he smiled at me. The only noise that could be heard was the sound of the forks clicking the plates and the chewing of the food. I hated silence but what to say? Afraid to ruin the moment, I sat there and just ate my food. This was the first time we saw each other in a long time, nothing could ruin this perfect moment. All of our great memories flew through my head, like one of those flash books starring the love of my life. I focused on each memory carefully; they were all I had, because Steven had become so distant to me. This man sitting right next to me was not the same man that I met on a beautiful evening, well 1 o’clock in the morning. That man had so much confidence as he walked over to me and we started talking. Still, like that night, I feel the same butterflies in my stomach afraid he will find something wrong; still craving to kiss him, desiring to be with him just like I had before; Steven was and will always be the man I want and need. The first few times we hung out I felt so comfortable like this was how it was suppose to be. In fact, I was more comfortable then than now; it had become difficult since both of us are different now. I wished things would be like they never ended, normally that’s how it was; however, this time was different. Why?
“Tiarra? Tiarra?” A voice interrupted my daydream. I came back to reality. “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing! I’m sorry. I’ve been day dreaming a lot lately.” I said as the sound of Erykah Badu’s Next lifetime played in the background. “Excuse me; I have to answer my phone.” I walked into the room thinking why is Darnell calling me now? I hope he wasn’t apologizing for dissing me and wanting to take me out. Steven was here and even though we were only “friends,” I couldn’t leave him alone to go on a date with another man, especially one who just broke my heart. Although, when I went out with Darnell I always felt so special. He would come pick me up in his gold Lexus and there was always a sweet little gift for me.
I remember our first date. It was about a week later after we met. When the party was over, I gave him my phone number, but I never expected he would call. I hoped and prayed he would because he was someone I wanted in my life; if not as my lover than definitely my friend. He was just one of those people that I needed in my life. He is someone that can make me a better person, listening to his story inspired me to live harder, fight better and make it. I wanted him in my life for so many reasons. I felt a connection with him the second our eyes met. I know it is weird, but the second his eyes looked into mine I knew he would be in my life. It was destiny for us to know each other. But never did I expect it to be so perfect. That night he called and we talked for hours. Feeling like a little girl in high school, speaking with her first crush, I fought sleep off and end up going to work so tired the whole week; however, each conversation was worth it. They got more intense as my feelings for him started to grow. We talked about everything possible: our dreams, our past, our future, politics, food, love, music, and writing. It was crazy because we had so much in common. I found my match. I was not trying to sound so desperate or obsessed but if you could only hear the conversations we had, or felt the emotions that were screaming in me you would understand why I was so hooked on to him. Darnell amazed me and I needed him in my life. The best part of this new relationship is I did not have to put in all the work. Darnell was calling me and trying to see me. Every night he asked to take me out, but I always made excuses or really had plans. Week day nights were crazy for me because of work and writing. So I told him on Saturday I would give this date a chance. I mean I was nervous as all hell. A date with a man like him, I mean did I deserve it. Really did I? He was trying to make this work and I was definitely blessed for this opportunity. I had to take it, but at the same time was I really ready to put myself out there again. After what Steven did to me was I ready to fall in love again? I could not get hurt but I could not let my prince charming ride off into the sunset with someone who did not fit the glass slipper. We were meant to glide against the dance floor and kiss under the stars. He was the one who would finally give me my fairy tale and as scary as it sounded I HAD to let it happen. I needed to move on from Steven and find new love. Plus, it was nice to go out with a man like Darnell. No matter what came out of that night I would have a story to tell.
On Saturday, a week later from when we met, he called me in the morning and said I had to be ready by 5pm and to wear something nice that I could wear any where and still look good. Darnell was surprising me already. Searching mine and Cheri’s closets for about two hours, I found the perfect dress: a long satin red fitting dress. I wore it once for a benefit in grad school. I knew the rules never wear the same dress twice out, but I looked good in that dress and looking sexy and impressing Darnell was all I thought about. Cheri did my hair and makeup since I was lacking those girlie girl skills.
When Darnell got there right at five, I couldn’t say I was ready, but I guess making them wait is what we ladies do. At about 5:15, I strapped the buckle on my left red stiletto and stepped into the living room. Darnell was standing there in an all white suit with a yellow single rose in his hand. I just stared at him like a little kid in a candy store and I am told to get whatever I want. Was this all for me? Wow! This was too unreal. Only things like this happen in the movies, but desperately that is what I wanted. Always I believed reality was the fiction I saw on the movie screen. And I lived out the love I wanted through my characters in my story. I had to do something to keep me going. Darnell looked better than any man in Hollywood and the personality to charm the rudeness out the evil ones. That smile again made my knees weak and my breathing was a little off. But in the end all these new feelings and doubts were worth it because Darnell was so sexy and he was my date.
Again, like the first time we met, he made the first move; he walked over to me and said, “Hi Beautiful” and kissed my hand. My body melted and my heart skipped a beat. He took my breath away. There’s a quote about not focusing on the moments breathing but the moments that take your breath away. This story is about the moments about being left speechless. Well in that one second I was left speechless and breathless. I could have died at the second for being over excited and my life would have meant something. I met someone like him who had given me a week of absolute fulfillment just in conversations. I could not imagine how pleasurable this night was going to be. He gave me the rose and said, “Are you ready?” Ready was not the word. Moments like this I only dreamed of or wrote about and it was actually happening to me.
“Yes!” I said, placing my arm in his. “Cheri, thanks for everything. See you later,” I said walking out the door and hoping for the best night of my life. “Don’t wait up.”
We went to this fancy restaurant like $20 just for an appetizer. I wondered how Darnell could afford this place and before the dinner was over, he told me the news he had been waiting for his whole life; he was being signed to Def Jam Records. The whole night he treated me like a Princess. After dinner, he took me to a party hosted by Russell Simmons. It was a party to celebrate the new contract. Shocked and stunned, I was there meeting all these talented musicians, writers, entertainers and legends, but more shocked that of all the ladies in NYC and Darnell choose me to be on his arm. He introduced me as his special lady, as we met each artist Russell introduced us to. That night, or should I say morning, he walked me to the door and I gave him a kiss on the check and thanked him for the best night of my life. I’d only known him a week and he was already taking me to fancy restaurants and treating me better than I ever thought I deserved to be treated. What he did for me in that one night Steven never attempted in all the five years I knew him. This was a sign Steven needed to be a history lesson while Darnell became a chemistry lesson.
“Thank You,” I said and kissed him on the cheek. Darnell turned his head and those lips that I craved for the second I saw them were pressed up against mine and we shared a passionate kiss. That kiss saved my life. This was one of the best kisses in my life and they say the first kisses are usually awkward, but not this one. Darnell is an excellent kisser and together we shared passion, and intimacy was not far behind. His lips felt as good as a hot shower after a hard day, pedicures, bowls of ice creams, and the first smell of spring. This one kiss told me every thing I needed to know: Darnell was really the one for me and he and I would be together officially. I saw myself kissing only him for the rest of my life. I believed he would be my last first kiss. I hoped he felt the same way and before I could even re open my eyes his lips were against mine once more. My legs almost gave out and the pleasure ran from my lips through my whole body. I am sure he felt it too and wanted to see if this was real. Could one make someone feel this great after one kiss? This kiss told me he was it, but before I jumped on him and spend the night kissing not only his lips I had to end this. I had to respect myself truly and appreciate our evening worth telling. A evening that made me feel better than reading the best book ever, where the words move you as you can’t turn the pages fast enough. You just want to make sure the ending is happily ever after, like so many great fairy tales, only this time it is your reality; the story of your life. I thanked him again for a wonderful evening and walked inside.

“Hi, Darnell!” I said answering the telephone.
“Tiarra, I’m sorry for how I acted the other night on the phone. The poem you wrote me really touched me. No one has ever cared the way you do or even expressed it as beautiful. If it is not too late, I would really like another chance.” He sounded so sincere, how did I know this wasn’t just a little game?
“I don’t know. I put myself out there and you said nothing. Now, I don’t know if we lost service or you hung up but whatever happened, you were rude and you told Marcus you’re not ready to commit. Darnell, I’m not ready to commit to anyone either. I just wanted you to know that I liked you as more than a friend.”
“I understand that, but I guess I got worried that you only liked me because I had been signed.”
“What?” I screamed. “D, how could you say that? I didn’t like you because you were into music. It helped but it wasn’t the reason why I went into the room with you or wanted to get to know you better. It was because you were in school and doing something with your life. But if you believe that I’m just one of these gold digging hoochies than I guess you made the right move by ignoring me.” I had gotten so angry; I forgot Steven was in the other room until I heard the faucet running.
“Babygirl, it’s not like that. Please let me take you out and I’ll prove to you I’m sorry.” Darnell sounded like he was about to cry. For a man that pretended to be so tough and had been through so many obstacles in his life, he was a sensitive male and to be honest it’s what made me like him more. He was real.
“I’m sorry Darnell but your apologizing is going to have to wait. Steven is here because he is going to a wedding and he needed a place to stay. I will call you on Sunday night when he leaves. “
“Okay!” Darnell hung up the phone. His tone was filled now with disappointment and I don’t know if he was more disappointed in the fact that I didn’t easily take him back or that Steven was here. I put down the phone and ran into the kitchen.
“Steven, I’m so sorry. But I have a surprise for you.” I pulled brownies out the oven and placed them on the table and turned off the stove. I grabbed Vanilla ice cream out of the freezer and got the whip cream and cherries out the refrigerator. He smiled and I knew I was forgiven. I made him his sundae and went back to eating my now cold spaghetti and soggy salad from the dressing. I was hungry, so I ate it anyway. After we both finished eating, we cleaned up the kitchen and went into the bedroom. Steven got in the shower and I started picking out my pajamas and a movie. Cheri walked into the room.
“Is he actually here?” She ran like a little girl waiting to hear that her first crush liked her too.
“Yeah, he’s in the shower.” I smiled at her and she saw the pajama’s I had lying on the bed. They were a pair of pink sweatpants with a pink and white tank top.
“No, no, no, Tiarra. If you want to get him back, you can’t do it in this outfit. You need to wear something sexy.” She walked over to my closet and pulled out my pink silk Victoria Secret outfit. It has matching panties as well. “This will definitely get Steven back.”
I laughed. “I don’t want Steven back, even though I do love him. I know it will not work out so, I’m not doing it to myself again. Besides I plan on wearing a pair of pink booty shorts underwear. He loves that kind and they’re from Victoria Secret as well.” She looked at me with a look like I was leaving something out.
“You already had sex with him?” She looked like she already knew the answer and sat on the bed.
“No, we didn’t have sex. When we were lying on the bed I wanted it more than I ever did before. But I knew it would just be sex and not the love making it use to be. I love him, but I’m not in love with him and I realized that when we were kissing.” I couldn’t believe I was actually admitting the truth about how I felt. Maybe I was really getting over Steven and I had started to know and understand the reality of our fantasies, we were only met to be friends. Or maybe it was because it had been drilled in my head so many times to leave Steven alone, by Marcus, Aaron and definitely Branden.

The three of them tried everything they could to get me to leave him, set me up on blind dates, introduce to me to every single friend they had and in fact Branden did a “Win a date with Tiarra Contest” at the club he DJ’s at. That didn’t work out to well because the winner, if you even call him that, was no better than Freddy. Seriously, I would rather have gone on a date with a man who might kill me in my dreams than a man who had no manners, hygiene was not great and the only thing he knew about respect was Aretha Franklin wrote a song about it. He was as low as scum on my shoe and I have no idea how he won. So, that’s when they gave up with me ever finding someone new, until Darnell walked into my house that night. My happiness made them stop trying to find me someone new but I don’t think either one of them was happy with me and Darnell. Marcus definitely wished I would forget about him and move on. I believe he would rather have my heart get broken ten times more by Steven than share one night with Darnell. I guess he thought Darnell was going to play me or something, maybe even break my heart; but none of that mattered to me. For once I had put down my wall for Darnell. I was not afraid of any what if’s and allowed whatever could happen and would happen, happen. I needed to let my mind free for awhile. I refused to live the rest of my life clinging on to Steven or single and heart broken. Regardless if Marcus hated this relationship I was going to make it work. I had to for my sake. I wanted it and for once in my life I was going to do for me, do what I wanted, make myself happy and not give a damn who got angry because of it.

“Tiarra! If you don’t stop daydreaming about having sex with Steven and just do it.” She laughed.
“Well, actually, I wasn’t daydreaming about having sex with anyone. I was thinking about how much Braden, Marcus, and Aaron have tired to get me to leave Steven alone. Cheri, I really liked Darnell and he called, apologized and asked to take me out.” I sat down on the bed next to her.
“Then what are you doing here? Go make that work!” She tried to push me to get ready. I grabbed her head and moved it so her eyes could see Steven’s things. Did you forget Steven is here?”
“Did you forget he’s not your man? You just admitted that you don’t want Steven but you want Darnell. Staying here this weekend with Steven is only going to make you fall in love with him again and I don’t think Darnell is going to wait for you.” Cheri looked concerned and she was right. No matter how hard I tried my feelings for Steven would come back just laying with him and talking to him again. We would spend the next few days together, catching up and finishing what we started earlier. I would have to fight every bone in my body not to kiss him, not to have sex with him or even touch him. However, I was not going to leave him right now for Darnell. If Darnell really wanted me like he claimed then he would wait.
“Darnell will wait. I have a friendship to Steven and that’s all it is.” I got up and again started to look for a movie.
“Alright, T, but I don’t want to hear on Sunday how you have fallen back in love with Steven and you are giving up everything here in NYC to be with him, because I’ve heard that lie too many times before.” Cheri gave me a hug. “All I’m saying is that I want you to be happy and if Steven makes you happy, which I agree he does, when you are on the phone with him or receive an email from him, I can’t get you to stop smiling; however, when he’s not on the phone or your watching love movies and craving to be loved or hearing you perform at clubs about how you wish Steven was the right one, then I see it, hear it and know it that Steven just cannot make you happy, and I only wish that you would stop just focusing on the good things in him and learn that it’s not meant to be.”
“Cheri, I realize it. Do you think I like staying up all night writing about characters in a book finding love, when I can’t get the one man I’ve wanted for so long to love me? Again, I love him so much. But I tell you it’s not the love that will get me down the isle or the love to give up NYC. I use to believe it was strong enough but Steven is right, it isn’t and even if it is strong enough, he won’t let it be. And he can’t move out here, so it is over. It’s been over since the day he sent me an email stating the distance was to much; it’s been over since he looked me in the eyes and told me he would not let me give up my dreams; and it’s been over since I moved out and told him for good that we will only be friends.” Tears slowly rolled down my face and I started to sniffle. Cheri gave me a tissue and before she could say anything, Steven stepped into the room wearing a pair of blue sweatpants and a white wife beater. Honestly, is there ever a time when he doesn’t look sexy?
“T, why are you crying?” He put his toiletries and clothes in his suitcase and walked over to me. “Hi, Cheri.”
“Hello, Steven. I’ll leave you two to talk about things. Tiarra, I’ll be in my room if you need me.” Cheri stepped out the room but before she left, she flashed me the biggest smile and two thumps up. It was her way of saying that no matter what to smile because things will always get better. She did it so cheesy and funky that I couldn’t help but to laugh every time. So, like every time before, I burst out laughing and Cheri left the room.
“Now, you’re laughing. What’s wrong?” Steven walked over to me and looked into my eyes. It was the same look he gave me every time I went to him crying about something stupid. “Tiarra!”
“Steven, I’m so confused. I keep telling everyone and I try to tell myself that I don’t love you like that and being just friends is cool. I’ve convinced myself that I’m feeling this Darnell dude. But baby, when I see you standing there or hear your laugh, feel your touch or taste your lips I’m trapped and I fall back in love with you. I try so hard to fight it because I know it’s not like that anymore between us. It can’t be.” Tears rolled down my face and before I could continue my rambling Steven kissed me. The kiss had more passion than any time before. We continued to kiss as he swept my off my feet and laid me down on the bed. We were in the same situation before, him on top of me, our hands moving and our lips doing all the talking. He started to take off my clothes and this time I didn’t stop him. The temptation was too hard to fight and so what if we had sex? Steven and I had sex so many times before and I hadn’t had sex since the last time I saw him a few months ago.
Things went as they usually did. My clothes came off and Steven was inside my body. Normally, I never thought about anything just how good he could make me feel. His lips tasted my body as my hands searched and examined him; however, this time, all I could think was this was the only man I ever wanted to have sex with. Never again would I ever let another man lay with me, kiss me or even have sex with me. My body was Steven’s and he knew it. He owned my heart so it was natural the body belonged to him as well. For the first time, since we first started having issues in our relationship, my mind agreed with my body and heart. “Steven, I’m moving back to Syracuse,” I whispered. Well that ruined the moment, because Steven stopped and looked up at me.
“What?” He started to pull out. I squeezed my body tight letting him know his body was made to please me and be inside me.
“Shhh!” I kissed his lips and then started kissing his neck. Quickly, Steven and I traveled on our journey to heaven. When he was done, he laid on top of me and still continued to kiss all over me. I couldn’t let him get away this time. Steven slowly got up and handed me my towel as he walked into the bathroom. I cleaned up and thought was I serious: Could I really give up NYC for him? I had come so far. Steven interrupted my thoughts.
“Tiarra, you’re not moving back.” He said as he climbed back into the bed. “I told you already, you’re not giving up your dreams for me.”
“It’s not for you. It’s for us.” I tried to explain how my dreams had changed since him and I wasn’t happy unless I was with him. There was no use. Steven wasn’t listening. He told me to be quiet and clicked the power button on the remote to the TV. I crawled over and fell asleep. If I couldn’t have him in reality then I had to dream about it.
Dreaming didn’t help because it only made things worse. I saw him coming home to dinner on the table and our kids running up to him hugging him, us being a family and happy. We didn’t worry about anything. There was family time and then after the kids were tucked into their beds we spent the night making love as if we were planning to add someone else to our family. It was the perfect life I wanted. But I woke up to the reality the man in my dreams was not really Steven. Physically yes, those were his eyes, his lips, and his body inside of me, but the husband type and all about me was not Steven. I knew for a fact he would never want to marry me. It was not that he didn’t love me it was just marriage was not something he thought of. But I was not going to give up. I believed if I moved back to Syracuse I could get Steven to want to marry me. He would have no more excuses then. I would prove it to him.

The next few days while Steven was visiting, we spent our time like I never told him I was leaving with him. On Sunday, when it was time for him to leave I had a suitcase packed and took money out of my emergency cash bin. Steven saw my suitcase and asked me where I was going.
“Syracuse.” I told him like he should have already known.
“T, for the last time, no.” He looked at me and I knew he was serious. “It’s not going to work.”
“You can’t do this to me. You can’t come up here and remind me of how good things are and how much I want you and not expect to want you back.” I yelled. “I can’t be just your once in while fuck, Steven. I love you and I always will.” I couldn’t stop crying.
“That’s what you think? I use you?” He sounded disappointed. “You should know it’s not like that. I would never use you and I want you just as much as you want me, but it can’t happen.” Steven tried to hug me but I pulled away.
“Why? Let me know. If you love me and I love you then why can’t we make this work?” Steven was silent as always. “I could get a job at a college in Syracuse, with out a problem; plus, I miss my family.”
“We already tried it, remember? As much as you love me, your heart is not in Syracuse, it’s in NYC.”
I couldn’t stop crying because I knew he was right. This was it for us. When we saw each other, things would be as they always were, but when he left it was back to a friendship and we had to move on. Only a relationship filled with phone calls and emails. Nothing that special. Nights were I went to clubs and dudes asked if I had a man; so many times I lied and said yes. After they realized he lived in Syracuse, so many of them told me if he really loved me he would have moved here. They tried to explain to me that love had the power to conquer all and when it was broken down Steven must not have loved me because he was not willing to make it work between us. But these dudes did not know the situation between Steven and I. They didn’t know our history or what would be our future. He was the only man for me regardless if he lived five hours away. I knew he had moved on with many other girls, but I couldn’t. Darnell was the only one I opened up to. We never had sex or even came close to it. I was afraid if D and I got serious that was the end of Steven’s and mine little affair. I didn’t want it to be over. I mean I really liked Darnell on so many different levels. Darnell was someone very special and the past month things had been perfect. Better than a girl could ever dream off but Steven was my Steven. How could I throw that away? How could I let go off so many years of us? How could I just act like he was not the one who gave me so much? My life had improved since he and I met; I was a better person, a better writer, a better lover, a better me. It was all thanks to him because he taught me to have strength. Shit through everything he put me through I had to pack on about another wall to protect my heart from getting stomped on by him. So maybe he was right. I couldn’t move back to Syracuse and we couldn’t be together.
“Fine!” It was all I could say to him. I turned my back from him and cried.
“Tiarra, please don’t cry.” He sat next down next to me and held me in his arms. “You’ll be fine.” Steven always told me I was going to be “just fine” and “all right.” The words to Chris Brown’s Just Fine song fit perfectly. Sometimes I believed Chris sang the song for Steven to tell me how he felt about me. I don’t think he knew how much I loved him and needed him in my life. Before, I could even think I blurted out the words I regret.
“Steven, just leave and to save my heart from any more damage, please don’t call me or write me or come see me again. If I can’t have you as my man then I don’t want you as my friend.” I pushed his arm off of me and got up and tried to walk away. It was honestly how I felt. Lets be real. Please explain to me how can I be friends with him after all this? There was no way he and I could truly be just friends because the physical attraction and sexual tension we shared forced us to have sex every time we were near each other. There was no way we couldn’t be together on an intimate level. And I am sorry but I could not have sex with him when I was with someone else. Things like that did not work. So I meant what I said. Steven and I could not even be friends.
“Tiarra, you don’t mean that. You don’t want that.” He got up and put his arms around me, holding me not letting me go no matter how hard I tried to get away.
“Obviously it doesn’t matter what I want.” I mumbled. “You don’t even understand that this shit is hard for me. I need you, Steven. And not just the phone calls and emails, but I need you here with me, to hold me when its cold at night, when I had a bad day to tell me everything is going to be okay, and when something good happens I need to see that smile that lets me know you are proud of me.”
“I will always be there for you.” He tried to talk but my eyes rolled and let him know that it didn’t matter what he said. I was pissed off and hurt. Steven kissed me on the check and I heard the beep from the taxicab. “That’s the cab.” Steven squeezed me and I didn’t squeeze back. I let him grab his bags and walk out the door. I wanted to run after him and tell him I didn’t mean what I said. I wanted him to call me and I still wanted us to be friends, but I couldn’t do it. I just sat there and cried, only if it would change things. I knew this was different than every time I let him leave before, this was final. It had to be. I had to let him go for good so I could move on, not because I wanted Darnell because to be honest, I didn’t want him as bad as I thought I did; I just needed someone to help me get over Steven, however, I needed to let him go because it was the only way I could be happy for real this time. Or maybe I just couldn’t let him go. Maybe I would never be happy. I crawled in my bed and cried myself to sleep. I called in sick at work on Monday and didn’t answer my phone when Branden, Aaron, Darnell or Marcus called.
Then on Tuesday morning, I called Steven and left him a message on his answering machine. “Steven, I’m sorry. Please forgive me and call me when you get this.”

I left that message about two weeks ago and have not heard anything from him. I called him a few more times but he never answered the phone or emailed me back. I lost him for good. All because I was selfish and couldn’t get what I wanted. My princessness had caught up with me and I lost my best friend and my support. I tired to smile and act like nothing was wrong, but when I was alone, waterfalls filled my room. Breakdown by Mariah had become my theme song and then it hit me, Steven always knew what to do. He always knew what the right thing was and this was it. He had to leave so I could recollect myself and when he knew I was good and ready he could come back. I smiled for real, for the first time, about three weeks later since he walked out my house and planned on smiling more. Steven had controlled my heart and life for too long, I had to move on. So that is what I did.

Darnell received the first phone call and I apologized about everything. I explained to him that I was afraid to say good bye to Steven because he really was one of my friends. He had been there for me through some of my hardest times. Surprisingly Darnell understand everything and told me it was going to be okay. I didn’t have to worry because if Steven was as good as a friend as I said he was he would call again. Darnell was accepting of my past and never tried to interfere with my heart. He told me that sometimes we cannot control what our heart wants us to feel but its how we handle it. He was right. I knew that I would always love Steven on some level, but it was time to let my heart learn how to love another man. Darnell fit the label. I guess D understood so much because he recently broke up with a girl as well. He said it was nothing too special; she broke his heart in the end and never understood his music. He told me she wanted different things than he did and did not trust him. Their relationship was more fighting than love making and he could not live the rest of his life like that; however, there was once a time that he believed she was the one. I was glad he opened up to me about her because it helped to understand he knew how to love and both of us were going to be careful with our hearts. We both took the love word seriously and it was not something that would be thrown around so easily.
We decided to take things slower than we had before and make sure both of us were truly ready to be with each other. Marcus was not happy when we finally agreed to be together, but I was really happy. My thoughts of Steven were not the same as they once were and I started to plan a life with Darnell; a life where I would once be happy; a life I didn’t have to dream about or make up in stories. Darnell made everything perfect as our friendship grew into a relationship.
The night he finally asked me to be his girlfriend was so cute. He wrote me a poem expressing how he felt. The last line said “Tiarra, will you be my girlfriend?” It was cute but so sweet. Its those little things that make us want things we never thought we would. I never had any intention with being someone’s girl again, but after a few weeks with him Darnell was defiantly the man I would let be my boyfriend. Very quickly, I wrote a response poem stating yes. Now, I know its hard for you to understand the specialness about each of these poems and I am sure you want to read them; however, I feel that those poems were secretive and in confidential. Many personal things were written in those poems so I promised it was something we would keep between us. Our secret for one another. The relationship was definitely not a secret but the words that meant he wanted to be with me in the exact order and rhythm that was placed on the page is something we share together. We always shared words or expressed our thoughts and emotions for each other in writing. Since writing was both of our passion we pushed and inspired each other to write. No matter what we promised to write every day. Because of him I was able to really write a new story. Look at this one for example. Yes, it started off because he rejected me, but now it is filled with how great he is. Darnell did not want to hear I was not writing. He wanted to make sure I was writing. He inspired me to write because of his songs and poems and because he was such a great part of my life. My life would be filled with writing and love. I was happy; finally all of my dreams were becoming my destiny.