The Idiocy Chronicles: Weird Wednesday

Oh, marvelous disaster, how I long for you so.
In the windy forest, devoid of sun,
I wait for your arrival.
You come slowly; it seems you won’t come at all,
But then, at last, I feel your cold hands touch my skin.

Claire Jordan sat in her math class writing sweet poems about death and completely ignoring her teacher. Normally she would be reading, but Mrs. Gilbert had already taken away the four books she currently carried in her backpack. In fact, if she hadn’t already read her math book three times, she probably would have been seriously engrossed in it. But today Claire decided that she would rather invent tragically fatal scenes than consume any more thoughts about x and y.

Meanwhile, Melina and Morey were in English class, where most of the students were learning about Shakespeare. The devious members of the Double M Squad, however, were going over their plans of world dominion and selling stolen objects to a few select classmates.

“Okay, so this morning I logged into my account on evil-emperor-slash-empress-wannabe.com and was able to secure 72 more hopefully somewhat qualified soldiers. With our advances from yesterday, that makes 142. We are well on our way. I expect we should be ready to dimension hop by the end of the week, so long as you are able to procure some bulldozers,” Melina said in a low voice.

“Actually, we are at 186 promising cadets,” Morey replied. “I promised a bunch of sophomores I’d give their stuff back if they joined the army.”

“You’re actually going to return their items?”

“Sure, if I haven’t already made use of them. Or sold them.”

“And the bulldozers?”

“Don’t worry. I’ve always wanted to take grand theft auto to the extreme!”

The morning passed as slowly as a warthog trying to peel a banana. By lunchtime, Melina and Morey were looking through magical net catalogues and Claire was quite cheerful and proud of all the poetic deaths she had created during math (she went back to reading as soon as the bell rang).

Following the daily ritual, Melina and Claire headed off to the lunchroom and Morey teleported home to her castle.

GHASTLY!! BLASPHEMOUS!! WHAT IN NELSON’S NAVY WAS GOING ON?!

As the two girls entered the lunch-place with their food, they noticed Halli and Laney standing next to their usual booth with looks of horrendous dumbfoundedness. There, sitting happily in the most precious of all lunch booths, were Kolton Pierce, Pete Anderson, and their bothersome gang of bluish-green imps. Such an unforgettable crime would obviously not be taken lightly.

Thus, the Mind-Blowing Battle of the Most Beautiful Booth commenced!

The four girls left their food trays to talk amongst themselves, and commenced in battle position! Well, at least Claire did. Halli, Melina, and Laney just sat back and watched as she made an appealing argument.

“This is our booth!” shouted Claire. “We sit here every day!”

“It doesn’t have your name on it!” retorted Kolton.

“Oh, yeah?” And thus, Claire drew her oversized pencil-sword and commenced writing the names of the four friends on the booth. Unfortunately, the Naming process doesn’t take complete effect for 24 hours, so the girls were forced to sit at the dreaded…table. Oh, the horror!

After that traumatic experience, the girls longed for normalcy in their upturned world. So they took their daily trip to the Tinkle-Tinkle-Ha-Ha Room, where they once again met poor, unsuspecting Carrie Fitzgerald. Unfortunately for her, she had been walking into a stall when the group entered. She didn’t notice that Halli and Laney had come into the bathroom.

As tradition entails, Halli began designing a wonderful scheme to rise ahead in the masterful prank war. Of course, guilt handcuffed Laney, so she couldn’t take part in it. Halli had to initiate her plan all by her lonesome.

“WWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Halli shouted, as she pulled a Laney and kicked Carrie’s stall door in.

The prank was just as masterful as it had been when Laney accomplished it the day before. However, due to the law of Double-Dreaded-Doorness, Carrie was not just left with a smack in the face this time around. When the door collided with her face, it sent her into a parallel time zone, right in the middle of a fearsome war between the Lizard-People of Mars and the non-antennaed folks of Gethegegkhama. She had to do the Twirly-Swirly-Hippidy-Hop Time Zone Jump in order to get home.

And thus, guilt captured Halli as well, but she was awarded the straight jacket, instead of the handcuffs her pal, Laney, had received.

After lunch, Halli and Laney shuffled off to the rest of their classes. Well, actually, a more accurate description would be that Halli hopped, seeing as how it is nearly impossible to shuffle whilst trapped in a straight jacket.

Claire, Morey, and Melina attended their classes as well, but they only pretended to listen. They continued to recruit and plan for their dimension hop, and the fight that would ensue afterword in their attempt to capture Coin. Unfortunately, just when they had secured 1364 talented trainees, the principal discovered their plan and alerted the American Dental Association before any tooth implants were forged. This of course, put a damper in the trio’s schemes, but they were prepared to keep planning, until Mrs. Principal-Face called their parents and they were forced to stop, because Claire would probably be grounded if they continued in their proceedings. It was just as well, really, because Sakora and her friends had already heard of their preparations through an inter-dimensional sound portal, and had gone on some miraculous adventure in order to seal the trans-dimensional gateway.

Hence, the trio’s plans were ruined, and Halli and Laney were incarcerated in the Guilt Prison.

And so an end comes to this weird Wednesday in our wonderful world of idiocy.