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My first real book. |
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"Ahh!" Again I wake up screaming. It's not the first, and most likely not the last. I sit up and rub my eyes. The dim sun is shinning through the `blue curtain that hang from my window to the left of me. I yawn. I jump as my alarm goes off. The beeping is loud, so I cover my ear as I search for the 'Off" button. The red numbers light up nine-thirty am. I finally get it to stop. Again, I rub my eyes. My feet collide with the floor. I face the window and squint because the light is so bright compared to what I saw in my dream. It was only darkness that is. My hair falls into my face and then I flip it away. I stand and stretch. I stop, and then turn to stare at my door. The door is probably the plainest door, it is just white. I look around my bedroom, and see blue walls that seem to compliment the plain, old door. I reach for the doorknob, but before I could open it I feel someone breathing down my neck. I stand still for moments. I stand straight up, then quickly turn to see nothing but the vacancy of my room. I took a deep breath. "Time for my pills." I quickly grab the doorknob again and fling open the door. The cold air rushes in, and crashes into me. A chill run up my spine and I shutter. My feet carry me to the bathroom. The white tile is so chilly on my feet and toes. I make my way to the sink and stare into the mirror. The refection stares back. I look down at the faucet and breathe in deeply. Slowly I let it out and look back at the mirror. I stare for seconds, and then my face turns to a monster. My scream echo off the bathroom walls and I fall to the ground. I sit on the ground, breathing heavily, and covering my eyes. I regain myself and stand up. Before I could look into the mirrors glassy surface again I open the medicine cabinet. I take out the prescription bottle that says, 'Thiothixene'. I open the bottle and let two orange and white gelatin capsules fall into my hand. I grasp them tightly and fill a small cup half full of tap water. I pop the pills into my mouth and then chase them with a cool drink of water. I set the cup on the sink and stare down. By the time I am done getting ready it is twelve forty-five. The remote sits on the coffee table and I swipe in off. I plop down onto the tan couch. The T.V flickers on after I push 'power' on the remote. I pull up the guide with the guide button and I scroll through many channels before I turn on 'Silent Library'. I put the remote on the couch cousin next to me. I watch the episode for a while before I finally stand up to get some food. The warmth of the living room carpet ends, and my feet get chilled by the sudden change into tile. I hear the washer and dryer going in the laundry room behind the kitchen. It convulses the whole house, and it feels as if we're having an earthquake in the little town of Stayton, Oregon. That never happens. I open the first cupboard, next to the sink, and take out a glass cup. I fill the cup with cold tap water and take a drink. My grandma enters the kitchen with a mean look on her face. I stare at her. She pushes me out of the way of the sink and starts to rinse dishes to put them into the dishwasher. "What are you doing in here?" She asks me. "Uhh," I mumble, "to get something to eat." "It is past breakfast and lunch time. Maybe you should pay more attention to what time it is so you can eat at an appropriate time, Kyra," She replies. I shrug, "Whatever you say Grandma." I walk back to the living room with the cup of water and sit back on the couch. The remote slides into my butt. I pick it up and turn the sound up more. I drown out the noise of Grandma in the kitchen. Dishes clank and the sink turns on and off. It is rather annoying. I set my water on the nightstand next to me and resume watching 'Silent Library'. An hour later I stand up to go back to my room. Before I even get halfway there the phone rings. My Grandma answers the phone, "Hello?" I stop in my tracks and listen. "She's in her room." Grandma's quiet, but only for a moment. "I am worried about her. She screamed so loud this morning. The neighbor even called and asked what was going on." Another pause. "She has no idea. I sure hope she goes though." Another pause. Idea's of what she is talking about invade my mind. Grandma continues, "I will tell her before we take her. She has to to either way because I can't take care of her with all the problems she has. I mean, I would give her back to her parents, but she doesn't even know they are alive." I lose my breath. I stand in utter silence, and I can't hear anything around me. All my senses gave up, and I even go blind. My legs weaken, and I fall to the ground. My eyes zone in and out. My hearing tunes in and then tunes out. I slowly breathe and hold my hand on my heart. By the time I regain myself Grandma is walking toward me. "Are you alright?" She asks. She makes me sick. I can't even look at her right now. I can't believe this. Wow, shows what a good person she is. I am so done with her. I walk down the hall in complete grief. Suddenly I turn to see the walls closing in. I run back towards the living room, but my feet are glued to the floor. I reach for anything to grab on the, but the only thing I see are walls. They close in more and more. Claustrophobia kicks in and I try to escape. I push the walls back away from me. They continue to crush me and I find it harder and harder to breathe. Finally, I scream and close my eyes. I fall to the ground and grab my legs. I pull the close to my body and put my head in my knees. I continue to scream. Seconds turn to minutes; Minutes turn to hours; Hours turn to eternity. When I look up I see my Grandma staring at me. She is kneeling beside me. Tears roll down my face, and she touches my arm. "Get away from me!" I scream. Quickly I stand up and run to my room. I slam the door and collapses on my bed. The tears continue to flow. I try to take a few slow, deep breaths but it gets harder instead of easier. My heart pounds in my chest and feels as if at any moment it cold just break loose. I feel weak. I lay on my bed for minutes, and then fall into a deep sleep. I wake up and look at my clock. It says eight thirty-nine. I turn over to look at the window that is open now. Grandma must've opened it. She always thinks "Fresh Air" helps, but I myself beg to differ. I really don't think anything helps. I am destined to be this messed up in the head. I am a lonely idiot that has no life, but seeing things that are fake. I don't even know who I am anymore. Even my own parents hate me. Grandma, the woman who was always there wants me gone. I think I should just leave, for good. I am a little nothing in this world, and no one will miss me. I am sick of hurting. What good is your life when all you have left is pain, agony, suffering, and torment. I am getting smack around like a punching bag. This is to much now. I am ending it. Everything I ever thought I had will be gone. Everyone I thought I loved will disappear and fade. This will fix everything. I know it will. I just need to figure out how I will do it. My last decision of my life is figuring out how to end it? How great. I wonder if I should leave a note? I could just do it and leave lots of blood...or do it clean? I am not quite sure. I think Grandma doesn't want a huge mess. Why should I care what she wants though? I don't. I am going to make it the most bloody and gory I can. Just so she has to clean it up. She deserves it. Now, the bloodiest way I could possibly think is cutting my body all over. Starting with the leg, and working up and getting deeper. The red ooze dripping down my limbs and dripping to the floor in a beautiful Crimson Red rain storm. I would think that would be very painful though. I could possibly just shot my brains out all over the wall. I wonder why there are so many ways to off yourself? I could just hang myself, but that wouldn't be bloody at all. The least painful would be blowing out my brains, but then again it is outrageously loud. I think I'll do this tomorrow night. I need to ponder upon it tonight. For right now I am going to eat. I am extremely famished. I haven't eaten since yesterday. I leave my room and go back out into the warmth of the hallway. I know that the entire house is a lot warmer than my room. I don't mind it really though. I get to the middle of the hallway before I stop in my tracks. I hear Grandma on the phone again. This time talking quieter. All I can hear is faint whispers. I get closer. I still hear nothing I can make out. So I get closer, closer, and closer and then I am at the end of the hall looking into the living room Grandma is in the kitchen. I slowly inch forward until I am hidden behind the wall that separates the living room and kitchen. I stand with my ear against it and finally I can here what she is saying. "She just screamed at me." Grandma whispers. "I have no clue what else I can further do. You need to take her soon." She pauses, and then continues, "She is out of control, and I can't stop her." I hear Grandma starting to have a sadder tone, "I seriously am stuck, and have not a clue what to do, Mrs. Cruller." She stops as if she is listening for a long time. "Oh, no no no no. I can't take her back afterward. She needs treatment, and I think she should just stay there." Another pause, and then she says two words that push my to the edge, "Yes, forever." I turn the corner and stare at her. She finally looks up at me and opens her eyes wide. "I have to go," Grandma says into the receiver. She hangs up and comes closer to me. "Did you listen to that whole conversation?" She asks. I just stare in silence. My eyes are narrow, and my face is in a definite frown. A silent tear rolls down my cheek into the corner of my mouth. She comes closer, I back away. Grandma says, "Dear, listen to me..." I cut her off, "NO, NEVER!" "Kyra, calm down. Let my explain." She begs. I yell at her, "NO! Stay away you cold halfhearted, low, selfish little..." Now she cuts me off, "Do not talk to me like that, Kyra Anne!" I shut up. We stare long and hard at one another. I study her face, she studies mine. "I am going to leave. Only for the sake of your happiness. I know you want me gone. So your wish, is my command. Goodbye." I say and start to leave the kitchen. She chases after me, and grabs my shoulder. "Don't you dare lay a hand on my again!" I quickly turn back to walk down the hall. Grandma stands in the living room, crying. I don't care. I walk into my room, and grab a medium sized duffel back and pack some clothes, a toothbrush, tooth paste, and the leftover fifty dollars I saved up. I zip the bag vigorously and leave the cold depths of my room. I patrol down the hall quickly into the living room where Grandma is no longer standing. I continue to the front door, and I grab the door knob. I turn it, take a deep breath, and I walk out. The cold air pushes against me like a cloud. I hesitate, but proceed forward in to the cold, Autumn night. |
| Entry # | 1 | Chapter 4: | 3.27k |
| Entry # | 2 | Chapter 3: | 15.45k |
| Entry # | 3 | Chapter 2: | 21.90k |
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