do i even know myself?

I often pride myself on my treatment of others
Seemingly more frequent now though it appears
I only wish I could push a select few down the stairs
I wonder if it's the hate I've harbored for so long
or the grievances I buried so far within
are they boiling outward now?
or simply pushing upon the chambers within?

I don't know whether I should be concerned
By these homicidal thoughts and wishes
Is it the rage deep within me?
Or just a restlessness hidden deep, deep down?

I treat everybody far better than I wish to be returned
In return it seems,
I receive only pain
I question whether its worth it
I question if its all in vain.

I don't know why
And I don't claim to try
People act the way they do
I don't know where these feelings rise from
I don't to know why
I don't claim to try