Hardknox Life part 1

I was born to the most unexpecting parents. I don't remember much of my childhood or I simply chose to black then out. My dad was an alcoholic. My mom well she was loud and always quick to give us a good hiding. I lived with my grandparents from a young age. Almost every night we got calls from people asking us my grandpa to fetch my dad as he was so drunk he would want to fight. This is where I develop a nerve problem. I stopped eating and lost weight to the point that I had worms eating me from the inside. I ended up in hospital. I soon recovered as I learn to hide my true feelings and myself. I cried almost every night wanting to be loved by my own parents. Wanting my own parents to take interest in me. I started growing up a hater. When my grandpa was home .I enjoyed every moment. We did everything together, build things, work on cars, take things apart and my grandma constantly sang hymns and read me the bible. When I came home from school and they needed to go out they had a baby sitter. He was in high school and a very well groomed young man who people looked up as he was very involved in the church. I remember how he would take done notes and was very strict with time. He always asked my grandparents for the exact time they would be home and made sure they forget nothing at home. Only if they knew why, I remember exactly 30mins after they have left, he would put me on my bed. He would touch me, he then use to suck my private parts. He forced me to suck his penis. This carrier on from Grade 2 to Grade 4. I was bullied by a girl in primary school she made me touch myself in front of her friends and they would laugh at me and push me around. I went home feeling so bad. Later that evening we got a call saying my dad is very drunk and he was hitting people's windows and doors down. I just could not handle this, I wanted to die that day. I thought I was a freak that attracted all this. All the way I prayed that something happens to us. I could not stand the way I felt. I woke up the next day I looked like I was dragged by a train. I never went to school for a week after that, I started going home weekends. I could not stand it all my dad did was drink all my mom did was moan and tell me she wish she killed me at birth. From being outspoken to the shyest person around. I grew up hating instead of loving. As years went by I moved home. I could not say it was the best in the week my dad never spoke a word all he would tell me is to forget what my grandfather told e about becoming an electronic technician and that I should become a marine biologist. I worked very hard good grades then the bullying started again and I thought well if I fit in I will not be bullied. Never the less my grades dropped and I failed grade 12. I then started in shipping instead. I remember how I hated it, although I was done with school I was still not allowed to go out. I rebelled , I had no friends so I made friends the wrong way through sex and drugs. I was my own worse enemy I felt like I started living two lives, one of a sweet daughter and one of a person screaming for help. One day I came home and my mom was scratching in my cupboard found a stupid story I was writing and she snapped at me, oh my, she thought it was real. I started becoming tired I used to get disciplined but could not cry anymore. My heart stopped beating and I was dry. I climbed into our roof and hung myself just as I felt myself passing out the rope snapped and I fell to the ground, I then got up and took three packets of pills and I was rushed to the doctor he told my parents I had the flu. He then gave me more pills and a few injections I can't remember after that just woke up three days later. I then made a decision to move out. I met a chick called Lisa. This is where things started going downhill for me. I only opened my heart after a year of living together. Whatever she wanted she got, three years into our relationship she wanted a baby and I was so afraid. Eventually she controlled everything who was allowed to visit me at home, who I was allowed to go visit when I was allowed to see my cousins and how long I could be there. From there she proceeded in beating me, chocking me and slapping me and she even pissed on me. I would often wake up to an empty cupboard as she would lock my clothes in the other room until she was happy with me. I used to come home early sometimes and there were other people in my place she would sleep with them and make me watch. Eventually I left her but she would not have it. Well never the less we broke up after five years. It ended by me ending up in Crescent Clinic. It was here I realized my grandfather died. Everyday was a battle for me, mentally, physically and spiritually. All I wanted was to disappear. It felt like I was in this room, it's dark and the light was getting smaller and smaller. Before I ended up in the hospital I placed an ad, someone replied we met when we were in hospital. Something about her felt right, for that hour it felt like I had no worries in the world. I loved her smile, I loved the way she looked, the way she spoke her perfume. I thought wow what an angel. For the first time I loved someone instantly without knowing her. I started seeing her more and more, eventually I loved with her. Although I was happy I still did cocaine just to get by with work. We worked different times. I also lived in Atlantic Seaboard with a roommate who also knew how to push my buttons. She would tell me things like "oh your friend is going to sleep with this one and with that one" and I started to feel pain again I know it was wrong to assume things I should have asked and not listened to her. I started using more and more cocaine. One day my roommate came from work and said she will never love me. The hurt of that was unbearable I just could not believe I was attracted to being hurt. So that night I went on a cocaine binge, drank and took all the pills I could find. All I remember was Grace crying trying to help me. I saw the hurt on my dads face and inside it like I was dead. Being away from her for two weeks was hard. I realized then that I love her so much and from that day I worked hard to make her happy. This is where I stand I love my son and wife so much.

To be continued.