Drive. (My insights/evaluations)

I’ve been thinking lately. Probably more than I should be. I have been thinking so much that I’ve decided to spill some of these thoughts onto Facebook. I am not writing this for entertainment purposes; this is for me. However, I will share my insights with the public eye not in hopes that someone reads it, but perhaps maybe there is someone out there that can relate to my thoughts and take something out of this. I’m growing tired of keeping my thoughts all to myself, so I’m taking the liberty to do this. These ideas will probably come off to most as completely unorganized, but in some messed up and potentially unfortunate way, this is how it is.

In the last few months, it has seemed as if I am stuck on some sort of cloud. I am physically and mentally aware of my surroundings, yet at the same time, I feel like my mind is never at the same place my body is. There are so many thoughts flowing in and out of my mind that I find it impossible to pinpoint any single thought at a given time. It feels like I am trying to move a pile of rocks but every time I move one rock, two take it’s place. And because of that, nothing I do or say seems to come out right. I find myself staying up as late as 4 in the morning after laying in bed for hours unable to sleep because of these random thoughts that pelt my brain. Half the time I’m not even sure what I’m thinking about, although I know there is some type of static constantly traveling through my conscious and unconcsious mind. And I don’t know what you would call it. Adolesence? Insanity? Growing up? Depression? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s none of that. Maybe it’s all of that. Who knows.

In truth, all of this upsets me. It’s weird to think such an easy going, funny, and caring guy could be feeling this way, but this is the truth, as sad as it is. I do not believe I am depressed, but I also do not think I’m as happy as one deserves to be. I am a firm believe in the saying “Laughter is the best medicine”, so that’s why I love to make the people around me smile and have a good time. There are fewer feelings better in the world than being able to make someone smile when they are positive it is impossible to do so given their current state of mind.

I don’t know where my life is going at this point, but I don’t think I really like the path it seems to be going. Yeah, I am an honor roll student, my GPA is 3.2, but I should have tried harder. I shouldn’t have slacked all these years and only realize now that I could have done a lot better in school. I’m not sure how much all this GPA crap and good grade stuff matters (Seems over hyped to me), but I hope whatever I did gets me somewhere desireable in life.

I don’t really have a plan past highschool. I am not sure what I want to do, where I want to go, or anything else really. I have no idea where I should go to college yet, seeing I don’t really have an idea what I want to major in. I have a few ideas I guess, but nothing concrete. Some of the things I’m kind of considering to be be are a police officer, veternarian, massage therapist, a writer, or photographer. If all else fails or I can’t decide on what I want to do, I’ll join the armed forces.

There is also something else on my mind alot. There is a certain someone that I have been mad crazy for for the longest time. . I’d litterally do almost anything I could for them, yet it seems like I always just get chosen over someone else, even though I’ve been told countless times I can fill the spot I’ve been DYING to fill. It drives me crazy. I’ve been doing everything I can, but to this day I can’t figure out what in the world makes it okay for me to just be that person that gets put behind a curtain when I think I should get a chance to be in the spotlight. Easier is not always better. I’ve drawn pictures, wrote letters, poems, and I have been there for them,through good and bad, despite the fact alot of people in this situation probably would have given up a long time ago by now. They know for damn sure how I feel about them. I don’t know how they possibly couldn’t. I couldn’t make it anymore obvious. So why it is that this face seems to be ignored or denited is completely beyond me :/. I’ve been trying my best to bite my tongue about this for a while now, because it seems like once again the “safer” choice was picked again, but I don’t know how much longer I can go just being just this. It’s killing me. I love being their best friend, but it feels like a slap in the face sometimes knowing I can be the best friend and more. Who gives a shit if being just friends is easier. ”Just friends” is not easier for me. Feeling the way I do about this person, just being the best friend or anything less hurts more than anyone could possibly imagine, despite how amazing it is. I know it’s a risk, but I think something so much greater could come out of this if it would just be given the chance to develop instead of supressing it because of the fear of what could go wrong. The reality is, this whole thing is sitting on a time bomb. As sad as it is to say, I think time and distance will push them away from me and I’ll never get to live this messed up little dream I’ve had in my head for so long. I’m sure if the person who this is about reads this, they’ll know this paragraph is for them, so hear is my message to you: I’m sure you don’t believe me when I say all the things I do to you, but I promise you that after highschool, I’d come to you, wherever you are, and come experience all the beauty the world has to offer with you, if you’d give me the chance. I’d do whatever I could to make you happiest person in the world while being with me. Everything feels perfect when I am with you. It seems as if all the problems in the world disappear when I get to spend time with you. It just hurts like hell every time I find out I’m being put aside for someone else, and it’s almost impossible to deal with. I think it’s been proven I’m not someone you need to be afraid of or someone you need to be afraid of losing. I haven’t left after all the crap we’ve been through, nor do I plan to. So all I ask of you is to put aside whatever it is that makes you deny us, and give us the chance to shine together. Despite what people are told, you and I both know what we feel for eachother extends beyond friendship. That being said, It seems alot of other people think the exact same thing as well. When someone says to me wow you guys act like such a couple, I’d love to actually be able to say “We are” and smile instead of think “I wish” and fake a smirk.

Past all the crappy stuff going on in my life, I have to say there isn’t too much more to complain about. It’s just that the stuff that I have now that is worth complaining about drives me crazy. My family is great, although I probably don’t let them know enough that I really appreciate everything they do for me. I love you guys. I just hope you guys know that.

I also got alot of amazing friends and people that will always have my back. From that girl I have talked to litterally every day since last April, and that 6 foot 4 kid I happen to call my brother, I love all you guys. I probably don’t tell you guys this enough either, but like my family, I really appreciate most of you guys more than I tell you.

I also forgot to mention another family of mine. To all my friends in Progressive Motion Parkour Association, you guys mean alot to me. The whole experience is a thrill, and I can’t thank any of you all enough for living it with me.

I didn’t want to bring up names in this speech like thing, but to Michael and Jason, you guys are two of my greatest friends, even if I havent met either of you in real life.

So as I sit here trying wrap this thing up, I wonder: What is it that keeps people going? Why is it that despite all the shit going on in our lives, we don’t get up and just all cap ourselves en masse? Why is it, that against seemingly impossible odds, we, as human beings, keep pushing forward to acheive our dreams? Is it stubborness or determinatio?. There’s a fine line between the two of them. They may even be the same thing to some. I think they are the same, because in reality to be stubborn it to be determined, but to be determined, you also have to be stubborn as well, hence the phrase “Stubborn determination.” This stubborn determination, as people may like to call it, is a driving energy that keeps us all going, for whatever reasons we have. I know what my reasons are. Do you know yours?

To all of you who read through all of this, I hope this doesn’t make you think any less of me. In fact, I hope it makes you all think higher of me, because in writing this, I think higher of myself for getting this all off my chest. It feels a lot better to let things out, even if no one is listening, or the people that are listening are total strangers. When I first started writing this I thought it would be stupid. But now that it is done, I know I am going to do something like this again in the future. Try this for yourself. Write a letter, and post it somewhere where people can see it. People may think your crazy, but it feels pretty damn good to get bottled up thoughts out there. I will definitely do this again. Maybe I’ll even make a video when I can. People will listen if you give them a chance. I hope the people that took something out of this and can relate to it on some level. As for the people who didn’t I’d like to thank you all for reading anyways.

Take care everyone.

Patrick Browne.