Until They Go

Until they go

I guess you don’t realize how much you love somebody until they are gone. It’s hard to appreciate things when you always have them.  Losing my aunt’s hurt a lot.  Both died from cancer, of course, it seems like cancer is tearing into every family.  I was ten years old when my aunty Lynne passed away.  I have never gone through anything like that before; I had never seen anything like it.

I don’t remember much of the whole process.  I remember the night we had a family dinner and her arm was so sore she could barley move it.  I guess when you’re a child you don’t fully grasp the fact that there could be something wrong.  Then I remember being told my auntie was very sick, again I didn’t know what this meant.  I got sick, quite a bit, and I always got better.  You take some medicine and go to the doctor and before you know it your ‘better’, so what was so different about this. 

My auntie Lynne had three kids, two with my uncle Lindsay and one from a previous marriage.  The thing I loved about our families was we were pretty much the same.  Michael the oldest, he was from a previous marriage, and the same age as my oldest brother Vince, who also is from my mom’s previous marriage.  Then there was Steven, he was the middle child, the same age as my brother Mark.  And of course there was Chrissie, the youngest; she was almost a year younger than me.  Growing up we did a lot together, having the same family dynamic made it easy for us to all be together.

The whole cancer thing was so foreign to us.  As a few months went by my aunt was getting more and more sick.  Having no strength she had so resort to a wheelchair.  The most vivid memory I have is a dinner at my parent’s house and my previously healthy, vivacious aunt being dropped off and picked up in a Handy Dart van.  This is when I think I finally realized my aunt was more that just my definition of sick.  This was not good. 

A bit more time passed and my aunt was put in Hospice.  This is the place where cancer patients go for either treatment or to die.  My aunt went there to die.  She slipped into a coma; I guess that’s better than waiting in pain.  I remember being up there a lot, I think I took almost every chance I could to go visit her, even if she wasn’t awake I knew she could feel me there, she could feel us all there.  One day everybody went for lunch except me, I wanted to stay and keep her company.  I was talking away, as I often do, by her bedside telling her how much I loved her as I grabbed her hand she opened her eyes looked up at me and fell back asleep. This was almost terrifying for me, at ten I wasn’t sure if she had woken from the coma or what was going on.  When my family got back form lunch I told them, and they said she can feel us and hear us, she knows we’re there and she’s doing all she can, fighting with all her strength.

We were up there a lot as time went by.  It was the morning of July 15th and I got picked up by my uncle and cousins to go see my aunt.  She wasn’t doing well at this point.  Her skin was changing color, her breathing was slowing and I could see the pain in her inexpressive face.  I was waiting for my parents to come to the hospital; they were going to come up soon after my uncle picked me up from home.  We all sat by the bed quiet, nobody was saying a word I think we were just trying to talk to God ask him for some more favours.  It was at that time we heard it… the unmistakable beep.  God was taking her away from us, and giving us an angel. 

I couldn’t tell you what anybody else was doing at the time.  I honestly don’t remember who was even there; I just remember thinking ‘why was there nothing I could do, why does God need her more than us.  I was angry and upset, I had never lost anybody, never seen anybody in so much pain and there was nothing I could do to help.

As much as that affected me I was only ten, and it was hard to really understand, hard to comprehend. 

When my aunty Carolina died I was 23. Now this time I understood.  I knew the consequences and I knew the impact, and it was hard.  Although I had lost an aunt 13 years before, I was not prepared for this. 

Carolina was truly an angel; she lived for herself and loved to help others.  She had been fighting cancer for ten years, it would go away then come back, the usual story, but for the last five years it was a real battle, and a battle she did not want to lose.  Carolina had everything to live for, a beautiful miracle child, Beau, a great husband, Rod, and two step sons.  She did everything in her power to rid the cancer from her body, everything from new treatments, to going to seminars for solutions that were not treatments.

It was just five weeks before she passed and the last thing on her mind was cancer, she had just helped her brother get a new job, her nephew (my husband) get a new job, and now she was sitting with me at 9:00 in the morning prepping me for an interview for a new job.  Not to mention the countless hours she had spent re-doing my resume, and planning for this day… for me.  It was only a week after that she started to get really sick, the medicine she was on wasn’t working, and it was actually making her worse.  She was starting to get weak and tired.  This part I remember seeing before, this was the part that made me wish I could fight for her, if I could only trade places. 

I didn’t want to go and see her like this, but I knew I had to say thank you, tell her I love her one more time.  I wasn’t really prepared to see her in the state she was in, it was just a few weeks before I was with her and she was looking healthy as ever.  When I got there it was like walking into a haunted house, the feeling of knowing what you’re going to see is something terrible.  She was sleeping when I got there, from under the blanket all I saw was my once beautiful, glowing, energetic aunt fighting for each breath; they were so few and far between.  Her arms nothing left but bone and skin. She woke up soon as we sat down with her.  Her words were hard to understand, we knew she wanted to sit up, show us she was ok, and strong.  Her eyes almost yellow from all the toxins that refused to clear from her body.  Her husband pulled her up into a sitting position.  Her body was weak but her mind was strong, she knew she was fighting a losing battle at this time; it was now a flight for hours, or days.  As she looked up and saw us all there she fought to draw a smile, it was as beautiful as it always was.  Her next words were to my husband “hey kiddo” as he sat at the end of the bed.  We wanted to leave her to sleep, but she refused.  She wanted to sit in the living room with us. 

This was hard to see, my aunt couldn’t even walk on her own, her husband holding her and guiding her.  She walked out of the bedroom in an oversized white t-shirt and black underwear, her legs were bruised and bloodshot, and far from the toned and tanned legs I used to wish I had.  Although her body was skin and bone, her stomach was swollen she was clearly malnourished, I remember this exact thing happening to my aunty Lynne too.  She sat down in the living room with the rest of us, her husband was holding a pillow up behind her head to hold it up clearly she didn’t have strength to hold it up herself.  She looked around and knowing we were all trying but unable to hold back out tears she says in her calm and comforting as ever voice “So?” as if nothing was different.  We all giggled, she was right though, why were we all sitting here not talking just looking at her.  We all wanted the same thing, a healthy Carolina, every one of us would trade places with her in a heartbeat.  She deserved to live; she was the last person in the room who deserved to have this happening.  We sat in the living room for about an hour, Beau didn’t really know what was going on, he knew his mom was sick but couldn’t understand more.  He was running around laughing and having a good time, even asking his mom “can we go to Burger King?”.  Carolina loved that he was so full of energy, she loved him running around the house, she said “he gives me hope”, he gave us all hope, he was “the gift”.

We brought Carolina back into the bedroom, she didn’t want to and she made it clear when Rod lifted her feet off the table, she used any strength she had to put them back up, she was determined, we were determined for her. But she was weak she needed to sleep to not worry about us.  It wasn’t easy saying good-bye, how can it be easy when you know this is, unless a miracle happens, the last time you will see somebody you care so much about.  How do you really accept it.  How do you really say everything you need to or want to say.  How do you feel ok about it.  Honestly, you don’t, you just do it because you have to.  I never wanted to go into that room and say good-bye; I was nervous, scared, and heart-broken.  She was sitting up on the bed her feet hanging off the side, she was still fighting to be in the living room, Rod was beside her just holding her.  I walked in still crying, I hadn’t stopped from the time I walked into the house.  I looked at her, she looked at me, and I think she knew this was good-bye for now too.  I couldn’t say much, I wanted to say everything, I told her I loved her, and said thank you, and she looked at me and said “thanks for all your stuff”.  I laughed I didn’t know what that meant, I hadn’t done anything for her, she had done everything for me.  Maybe it was a message, maybe she knows what I’ll do, and hopefully it’s something good, something meaningful.  I walked out of the room, still not really believing this would be the last time I was to see her, I just couldn’t think about not having her around. 

That was Sunday, and on Thursday October 30th I got the phone call I had known was going to come.  The time had come.  As hurt as I was and sad, frustrated, angry, I knew she was in a better place and when I heard about what happened on Wednesday I knew she was ok.  It was her best friend, Des’ birthday; Des had passed away a few years ago from cancer as well.  Carolina, at this point, was very weak, but it was like she was still ok when she asked for Des to come.  I guess Des got the message; Carolina wanted to be with her now.  Thursday morning Carolina was brought to hospice, and just a few hours later Des came down and took her away.  This was comforting for the whole family; we knew she was with the person she wanted to be with, and in a place where she will be out of pain forever, able to watch over us always.

After all of this I thought everybody in my family would do everything they could to be healthy so that we would never have to see anything like this again.  I couldn’t bear to watch another family member in such pain, while the rest of us sit by helpless.  I may have become stronger and more appreciative after everything but I know it won’t make it easier next time.

My mom had been a smoker since I could remember, and for as long as I could remember I hated it, so did the rest of my family, but there was nothing we could say to make her quit, or make her want to quit.  My mom, as most would say about their moms, was the best.  She was outgoing, funny, smart, helpful, and beautiful and always had the answer to my questions; I seem to always have a question for her.  She was known to be happy and cheerful all the time.  I guess she was all around the perfect mom.

It was right after I had my first child my mom was diagnosed with heart disease.  Cardiovascular disease is defined as diseases and injuries of the heart, the blood vessels of the heart and the system of blood vessels throughout the body and within the brain.  My great grandma had died of something similar to this when I was a very young child, and my mom watched the whole short, painful process.  I was scared; I needed my mom now more than ever.  How would I know what to do, how could I know how to be as great of a mom to my child as my mom was to me.  I had done some research about this.  After losing my aunts I wanted to know what to expect to how to help her, if I couldn’t help her I wanted to at least make her live as long as possible. 

My mom was the kind of mom who wanted me to have a child soon as I was married. She wanted to be a grandma, I understood why, and knew she would be the best grandma to any child.  I wanted so much for her to be able to baby-sit, see my child go to pre-school, school, sports, dance, maybe even graduate, but I knew this probably wouldn’t happen anymore, and this not only upset me, but made me angry.  I didn’t want to be mad, I mean I knew she didn’t want to get sick, but how could she keep smoking all those years knowing this could be the outcome.  That’s what made me mad, she fact she had some control, I know she didn’t have full control, I know this could have happened smoking or no smoking, but the fact that she didn’t do everything she could, that’s what made me mad.  If I didn’t need my mom I honestly wouldn’t be mad, I would just be upset, but I needed her and she knew this.  I had talked to my mom years before and asked her to stop smoking not even for her but for her family, I know its easier said than done but it seems no attempt was even made.  I told her I didn’t want to be sitting by her bedside watching her die and it seemed this was exactly what was happening.  My whole family had to sit and watch her struggle for each breath, watch her try to fight.

Now that she was really truly sick I wanted to go back in time, change everything but I knew this was not an option.  She was getting worse by the day.  Coughing and chest pain were part of her daily life, or what was left of it now.  There was no lung transplant, or treatment for her, it was now a waiting game.  Like with my aunts, but this was my own mother, I had so sit and watch her die and I sat doing nothing.  The same thoughts went through my head as they did when I was just 10, why can’t I do anything, why can’t I trade places with her, I would do anything for her to be ok, why couldn’t god just make me sick instead.  I couldn’t do this anymore.

We had so many great memories growing up; so much I knew I had to thank my parents for.  It’s all the small things that I wanted to talk about.  Let her know I’m thankful for everything I got to do, and let her know I’m sorry for not always appreciating everything.  I wanted to go back and change a lot.  Like when I was in Disneyland, and unlike everybody else, having fun, I was trying to ruin it for everybody. When I would just scream for seemingly no reason at all. When I was a teenager, swearing, disrespecting, acting like I knew everything, and my parents just took it.  Paying for us to do almost anything we wanted, sports, dance, swimming, art class, and so many things I wanted to do they let me, even if I only went to one class I now know they still had to pay for it, but I didn’t realize. It’s all those things I want to change, say sorry, and take back.  I look back now and wonder how they could have dealt with that, all the things I said must have hurt them, but I didn’t even realize.  I just wanted all the time in the world to make up for all the times I wanted to change.

I rely on my parents for a lot.  I call them for everything I do, I always want to get their approval, make sure they think i'm doing the right thing.  I don’t know why, I just feel better if they know, or if I have their opinion.  They never seem to get angry with me, they always support me and they always tell me the truth, even if I don’t want to hear it.  This is why I need my mom here. 

As the time drew closer, everything became sad, quiet, depressing.  We all knew what was coming but none of us wanted to accept it.  Every time I set foot in my parents house I just wanted to rewind time, even if it was just a few days at least that would mean I have a bit more time and at this point I would take a minute.  I don’t think I will ever accept that my mom is this sick, I don’t know how to.  I don’t know how any child can look at their own parent so sick, so weak and so helpless.  Your parents are who you turn to, but when they are like this they turn to you.  I felt like I had to not only keep myself well, but my dad as well.  He has to spend every night probably sleepless, making sure she is still breathing, listening to each obviously painful breath she took, hoping there would be another to follow.  How does he do it, after more than 25 years, he is now having to watch her die and there is nothing he can do.  I felt like we had already lost enough people in our lives we didn’t need to lose another, we didn’t need to lose somebody that we all needed so much. 

My mom spent every day in her bed now.  Although she couldn’t fully lay down, it took too much energy to get up.  Pulmonary congestion or pulmonary edema causes fluid to get caught in the lungs.  It started off slow, the only time she noticed it was when exercising, she would get tired quickly.  But as it progressed she would get tired doing nothing,  the fluid just starts to fill in the lungs slowly.  Since the disease had progressed she was not at the point where she had to sleep sitting up so the fluid would stay at the bottom of her lungs, if she were to lay down it would seep through out the lungs almost mimicking drowning.  Ultimately she would succumb to the symptoms and basically drown from the build-up.  This has to be one of the most painful processes, knowing she was going to slowly die as her lungs fill up with this poisonous fluid.  The thought was terrible, but true. 

My mom passed away a few months after all this.  I’ll always remember the last day I saw her, she knew I was there and that’s all I cared about.  I walked into the bedroom and sat with her just looking at her, thinking of all the memories, her contagious laugh, her infectious smile, her amazing positivity.  Just looking at her it seemd like all the happiness had been taken from her.  We sat there for hours, but it only seemed like minutes as her breaths were about a minute apart.  Her eyes opened and for a second it seemed like everything was normal like she may have been ok. She looked at me and told me she loved me.  I held my tears back for a minute as I told her I loved her more than she will ever know.  It was a beautiful sunny day, I think my aunty Lynne and Carolina knew it was her time, they wanted to take her out of pain and I think she wanted to be out of pain too.  We were all there trying to hold on, but we couldn’t.  Soon as she took her last breath the house became empty, dark and quiet.  It was like all the life left, and for the most part it had.  My mom was a lot of the energy in the house, and now it was no more.  I know she would still be with us but the fact I couldn’t just call her at any time, or come over to just sit there, that’s what depressed me.  No more could I ask her about clothes, doctors, food, computers, any of the random daily questions I had.  It was now going to be different forever.  My child wouldn’t have grandma, I wouldn’t have mom, my dad wouldn’t have his wife.  We were given the most beautiful angel, but that will never replace the most beautiful mom who I will never stop loving everyday of my life.

I would give anything to rewind time, to show her what could happen, to tell her how I feel.  If she only knew the effect on everything and everyone, would she have tried everything in her power? Would she change anything? Would she rewind time?  I think about it every day and wonder, what would happen if she could have seen the future.  I can only hope she would have changed, I can only think, for my own good, that she would not be selfish enough to know how this was going to affect the people who loved her most, the people who would give anything to have her here, even their won lives in turn for hers. 

I pray everyday, for health and happiness for all of my family, I pray everyday to never see another family member suffer they way I have seen, i can only hope that each member of my family will do all they can so not another one of us has to suffer, or watch helplessly as one of us suffers.  I cant bear t o see what I have seen ever again, I cant stand the pain I feel everyday that will never go away from the lose of the ones I love so much.  I cant rewind time, I cant find a cure, I can only live now, love always and laugh often.
……………..I guess you don’t truly realize until they go…………….