The Art and Anguish of Lying

The Art and Anguish of Lying

A pain exists outside of my body. An ephemeral cloud of invisible greys. It caresses my heart and mind, trying to get back to my soul. I forced this pain from me in an attempt at achieving some sort of relief. Extracting parts of me from myself is an exercise I have been performing for years now.

The extraction process takes a clear mind and a monstrous force of will. First one must be willing to scar one's soul irreparably. Once one can identify the piece of self one wants to remove, one needs to decide what to do with it.

I do not simply remove parts of myself on a whim. Although sometimes it happens without my knowledge and I do not discover this lost piece for a long time. The cloud I have extracted today is my conscience. Such a strong part of my being and yet it is no match for me.

My will can not be wavered and remains steadfast through the strongest of storms. I fear the day I encounter a force that is beyond me as I know it is simply an eventuality. This conscience that defines many people is simply a clogged filter that I must air out intermittently.

I told a lie today. Not some simple little lie that required only the telling for it to fool another person. No, the lie I told today required a self deception of such magnitude that even as I made myself believe my lie I began to get lost in it. As a fire grows into an inferno so also did my self deception. Though, my inferno is a bizarre mixture of chaos and control.

People lie everyday. Very few people believe the lies they tell. I do not mean subconscious lies about their life. I mean running into an old acquaintance and telling them that your wife has died and your life is torment. When in reality you have no wife, your life is simply bland, and you are seeking attention. In order to make this person believe your lie you need to believe it is true for the duration of your meeting with this person. If this is accomplished then the emotions that you show become real and the task is complete.

Complete for the moment. Later is when you discover why so many people are averse to lying. The emotional state you have put yourself in so as convince your friend, is still going. One cannot simply turn all emotions off forever. You can trick them into being what you want them to be. You can even ignore them for years at a time. But eventually they crash right into your self.

I needed to leave work early. Not wanted, needed. Leaving early and taking care of a personal matter was all-important to me on that day. So, I lied. In the middle of a annual presentation I acted as though I was receiving phone calls in rapid succession and ignoring them. Then I made it seem as though I got a text message and glanced at it briefly. Once I glimpsed the nonexistent text message the emotional lie to myself began. I forced myself emotionally into a state of emergency. Panic, fear, anger, sorrow, and incomprehension took turns racing through my face as my heart beat thundered in my throat. I looked up and showed all of these emotions on my face to my boss and quickly walked away from the presentation. From their I acted as though I was on the phone receiving the worst information one can receive, the impending death of a loved one. My knees began to shake and I had to use a nearby wall to keep myself standing. Sweat poured down my face and my eyes began to cloud with tears. My face was bland with shock as I approached my boss and told him that my father just had a heart attack.

With a stammer and constricted vocal chords I explained to my boss that I needed to leave immediately. He believed me utterly. I cannot clearly recall his exact reactions now, too much time has passed and I was an emotional wreck. But he knew that I was telling the truth as he knew it and the lie I had forced on myself to be true. After receiving his consent to leave I left with extreme haste. I ran into one other person as I left. She got no verbal acknowledgement of her existence. She received the full weight of my anguish as I looked straight into her eyes. I left her standing shocked with her mouth agape as I stormed past. I feel bad for that girl, she was an unintentional recipient of the aftershocks I was just starting to receive from forcing the lie into myself.

The next 30 minutes were some of the most painful I have ever experienced. After manipulating myself I needed to undo the knots of irrationality I had bound around my heart and mind. This is not an easy task. Winters cold clarity slowly seeped into my being and for the next 30 minutes I forced reality back into perspective. With measured breaths and a mind focused on the flame of concentration I attempted to reach a one-ness.

That focus is the only thing that saved me. It worked then and has always worked in the past. The mental exercise is a concept I borrowed from a book I read as a young teenager and with slight changes it has helped me through hard times. As I explain it, some of you may recognize it. Whether or not you do I recommend attempting it.

Lying down, sitting, or standing, I have yet to find a position where this is not achievable. Eyes open or closed is up to you but with either one you must focus not on what you see but on nothing. I have found this to be mildly difficult with eyes open if you do not have a blank white room to sit in; but a trick I learned with much experimentation is to focus not on what's in front of you, but what is beyond it. From there, in your mind, create a flame. Let this flame slowly consume the nothingness that you have created. As it grows, feed it. Feed all of your confusion, sorrow, anger, rage. Allow all unwanted emotions to fall into this fire that is your will.

For me, when I have accomplished this, I feel balanced. It feels as though I am in complete control of my being and no longer subject to the whims of unwanted and often irrational emotions. This is not to be confused with being emotionless. Though at times it may seem as much, it is in fact a state of utter control. The emotions are always there and you will feel them; but they will no longer rule you.