Inside My Head

Life is not a blessing, it is a sentence.  We are put here against our will and forced to suffer the horrors of life everyday. Suicide is always an option, but mortal sins are a strict no no.  Every breath that we take is a conformation that we have no choice in the matter. Our bodies automatically do it for us, and when we stop breathing, people frantically try to force more air into your lungs. Air is a toxin that supports life.

         Everyday I wake up, and until I fall asleep at night, I try and talk myself out of committing suicide.  It’s not that I have nothing to live for, quite the contrary in fact. I have a beautiful wife and son that adore me. I have a very loving and supportive family. I wasn’t abused as a child. I wasn’t the victim of excessive bullying. I just have a very hard time dealing with the day to day struggles of living. Every time I see a gun I think about shooting myself. Every time I see a knife I think of cutting my carotid artery. Every time I see a rope I think of fashioning a noose. Every time I see a bottle of pills I think of taking all of them.  Suicide stalks me every waking hour.

         I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, these things seem to be the only thing that keeps the knife from my throat or the gun from my head. Never the less, it doesn’t stop the haunting feeling deep inside of me. I feel that I am dying from the inside out. Slowly decaying from my soul to my mind and spirit. I think that I am far too gone for a cure.

         So for now my plan is to starve myself until my vital organs shut down. If you stop seeing post on this site, then you know that it worked.