Now and Then- Stage Fright

I remember years ago, being a child full of laughter, love, hope and purity. I was a child like most, smiling, always in front of the camera but pretending as if not to be seen. I was the ‘too cool for the camera type’ however if you hit record, or were taking a picture I somehow managed to pop up in most of them.  Always a bright eyed and bushy tailed child as my mum would often say.

I recall the excitement of being in front of others, wanting to sing and dance and perform for people or simply talk (a good visual is CC played by Bette Midler in the movie Beaches as a child), I love to talk and I certainly have a lot of opinions, though I would like to think they are always well thought out and not judgmental.  I am of an understanding mind, but today am brought to a question too which I am still searching the answer, perhaps I will never really know.

Why do I have such a fear of performing (by that I mean singing) in front of others and where did I lose the performer that is me?

I can sit and banter back and forth between the ideas that it simply is a matter of getting older, seeing more judgment from others I suppose ignites fear on the stage. Being a ‘whatever you need’ type of person, also known as a people pleaser can add to it, the worry of ‘will they like it, will it be well received?’ Or, is it really because of my passion for music? For someone who loves to write, I have a hard time coming up with the words that will justify my passion for music in it’s entirety, however I am always willing to try- so here goes it;

Music makes my heart happy (and I mean jump up and down excited as if to have no worry in the world) a beautiful form of art, passion and fire. The intensity from music is a strength that I didn’t realize for years. Music is honest and by that I don’t just mean the lyrics, it’s the feeling I get. I enjoy the complete escape from everything in that moment in all its purity.  Music beats along with my heart and is such a strong part of me that it’s the one thing I could not be without.

I cater to my emotions when listening to music; if I am sad, I listen to a song that I know will bring me to tears. It’s a naked art, to me. Which is why, when I am on stage singing one of my own songs forget about ‘picture people naked’ that is the moment where I am naked. Allowing the world to see me in my purest and most honest form, my most vulnerable and feared presence.

I can be introverted when it pertains to my own struggles, especially those that came from my early years however the beauty in song writing and singing really is that so many words, phrases can be interpreted in different ways depending on those hearing or reading them. My own songs feel completely revealing however have others wondering what it is that I am actually referring to, I love that. It allows me to feel a little less vulnerable in the moment and therefore the words I have written become relatable to others, and that is incredible.

See, I have gone off again on other thoughts, back to reality;

I go back to the question “Why do I have such a fear of performing (by that I mean singing) in front of others and where did I lose the performer that is me? “

Passion, if I had to give an answer I would say it is my passion for music, my love of the art and the fact that I believe in it so much, sometimes I fear; “do I deserve the stage? Should I be up here?”  There are so many who can do this without the nerves, without the fear or at least make it look a hell of a lot better but I think that I need to use it and work with it. Yes, I am nervous standing on a stage, revealing myself but does my heart flicker at the thought of being up there, always- do I resist it because of the fear, no, do I dream daily of those moments even if they last only minutes or even seconds, yes…..

So through this journey in my life I cannot stand down, even if I fall down- I need to get up and try it again because well, I would be selling myself short and I wouldn’t have done that years ago. It’s important to relive moments of adolescence if not to remember and realize who I am, or who I have always been.

Cheers!