The Course for Failure

Quite a few people are under the impression that to fail, one has to do nothing. Obviously, these people have never taken a course at a modern-day university. Having been considered worthy of admission to such an institution, it is evident that the students have gone through experiences that have put them in bad stead to achieve failure. Furthermore, the relative grading system and the stiff competition amongst prospective failures makes failing a course all the more difficult. It takes alteration of one’s thinking and lifestyle before they can undertake such an endeavour. Fortunately for all aspiring failures, guidelines are given below to better equip them to successfully fail a course, and if lucky, maybe courses. These have been compiled after studying the habits of recent success stories.

The most important weapon to have in one’s repertoire is a sense of pseudo-intellectualism. This gives students the authority to look down upon everyone, from teachers to fellow students. They should start by criticizing the content of the courses, particularly the core ones that have been prepared by people much more qualified than them in those fields. Furthermore, they should make fun of the simpletons who make an effort to actually learn and take something out of the courses. This sets one on the path to disillusionment, the foremost prerequisite for failure.

The next step is to relinquish oneself of as much conscience as possible. Being the slacker’s worst enemy, conscience is a huge deterrence to failure. It is most likely to interrupt students by reminding of the huge amounts their parents are paying for the education that they are trying so hard to evade. If, however, one has developed even a slight sense of pseudo-intellectualism, they should be able to achieve this liberation.

The commencement of the decline of one’s conscience is the equivalent of when a child learns to write his alphabets. He has no idea of the great things that he is capable of achieving with it in future. The first such thing that comes with the decline of conscience is procrastination. This applies to everything from study to sleep. It starts with delaying studying till the last night before a quiz or assignment, and after constant effort, one stops caring about even these. In both the cases, the thought of studying will still roam in students’ head causing lack of sleep. These sleepless nights will take care of any trouble they are having with missing classes, as they are bound to fall asleep half an hour before one.

Soon students realize that all the procrastination is leading to an unproductive college experience. Here is when the good part starts. Upon continuing this routine, they will soon assume a feeling of depression. If they have done a good job at eradicating their conscience, they will now experiment with the finer things in life, alcohol and the college favourite, cannabis. Alcohol being an expensive commodity, students are unlikely to be able to consume a dosage that will help them in pursuing their goal. It will probably play a small part here and there. Cannabis, on the other hand, is their best friend. Their first experience with it is likely to cause incessant laughter, giving them a great first impression. Continuous usage will lead to students engaging in deep conversations, therefore feeding their pseudo-intellectual side. Once they use it long enough, their motivation level will go down, accompanied by memory loss and confusion. A friend in need does turn out to be a friend indeed. Alcohol can also be brought into play at times. Usually before a quiz or exam, students can always release tension by having a few drinks. Rest assured, any plan of studying they had will not be met.

Students also have to remember the crucial times that make or break the courses’ final outcome. To break it, they have to make sure that the first quiz goes as horribly as possible. This discourages them and sets a tone for the rest of the semester. Needless to add, exam time is the other important occasion. As stated above, this is the time to dish out cash for some booze. After all, it releases the tension and there is always the hope that one might pass out, releasing all the stress with minimum effort.

However, there are some that are weaker than the rest, people who will not be able to comply with the above instructions. Usually the more pious ones have a problem with losing conscience. There is an easier, less enjoyable way for them to fail a course. Since cheating and lack of conscience seem to have been, for reasons unknown, rendered independent of each other by these ‘conscience-conscious’ people, they can always recklessly cheat and get caught.

There will be certain people that will enter university better prepared for failure. However, this is no reason to be discouraged. The best of them have destroyed their futures by following the guidelines given above. All it takes is constant perseverance on the student’s part, and once one gets on the track it is quite a lot of fun.