A Load of Rubbish

CHARACTERS

THE WOMAN
A Stern Battle-axe of a woman in her
forties, with a mean spirit and an
avaricious nature.

THE OLD MAN
A old man, with an air of Roguery.

THE YOUNG MAN
An earnest young teenager.

TOTALIA
An earnest young teenager in female form.

THE SAD WASTER
A male, forties, terrified of everything.
(possible Totalia double-up)

THE BIG WASTER
A self-made man with a mean spirit and an
avaricious nature.

THE TYPICAL WASTER
Any age gender, race or type can fill this
role(possible The Big Waster double-up)

THE TOTAL WASTER
A male, forties with a negative outlook.

THE BIG WASTERS DAUGHTER.
Teenage girl who makes dreadful sobbing
sounds.
(possible Total Waster double-up)

COSTUME
Waster clothing should indicate that all clothes are hand-made or
much repaired. For the ceremony, the three central characters who
embody the garbagerie, should wear capes, collars and masks.
To add pomp and theatricality, they should be operatic in scale,
and would ideally be the result of very creative use of modern
disposable items and recognisable household objects,paper cups,
disposable razors, mobile phone covers e.t.c.
Also worth bearing in mind, for these three characters and their
ceremonial,(and casual) costume, are their personalities and
position within the garbagerie.

THE OLD MAN is the absolute
patriarch and Costume designers
should think of Zeus, or the
big bearded old testament God,
for his ceremonials. Underneath
his cape and mask, he should
wear a faded version of
whatever teenagers are wearing
these days.


His second in command is THE
WOMAN.

THE WOMAN is very much
the M.C. of the Garbagerie and
should require more freedom of
movement. Her speaking should
be very clear and her outfit
dramatic. Underneath her
Ceremonials, she should retain
some of the over-decoration
and stiffness, and perhaps not
remove her collar, Ideally she
should remind audiences of
queen elisabeth.

THE YOUNG MAN (who is the most
plain and honest in character
and also lowest down in the
heirarchy,) should wear a
simpler version of ceremonials,
and underneath, something black
and plain-ish. He should remind
a theatre audience of Hamlet.

SETTING
The play takes place in the family home, which is also used for
the ‘GARBAGERIE’ ceremony;

LIGHTING
Energy poverty is a huge aspect
of the world of the play. And
so the use of energy in the
staging is important. Ideally,
the only electrical source of
light should be the laptop
computer in the second act.
The play should begin in utter
darkness.

THE GARBAGERIE
The Garbagerie is a quasilegal
/religious ceremony (An
eco-driven Spanish Inquisition
of sorts). In blackness, The
three main characters adorn a
kind of stepped-plinth,( like a
formula 1 ,first/second/third
thing but smaller)- with the
old man (possibly-seated ) at
the highest position, the woman
next, and the Young man
furthest down . Ideally,
lighting should come from
candle lanterns and other nonelectric
sources, through the
rose window.



(In Blackness)
TOTALIA:
I think it’s starting.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
No, not yet.

TOTALIA:
Why is everybody gone quiet?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
They think it’s started.
I don’t think it has though…
No this is just the pre-amble.
Fucking Hippies!, what’s their problem with DVD’s?
What ever happened to a night in,- in front of the video?
Oh no, these people don’t want that at all.
All their entertainment must be live!
‘All our entertainment must be live’
Everything has to be about the issues.

TOTALIA:
It’s not for us to tell them what to do.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
‘The things I do for you’ that’s all I’m sane,
that’s all I’m sane. They’re mad. The lot of them.
Light the lamp.(He lights the lamp and looks around)
A sorry-lookin’ bunch I have to say.
I bet Most of these wasters here do not
want to be here any more than I do.
All of the really smart ones stayed at home.
How did you talk me into doin’ this?
I’ne Probbly gonna be here half the night.

TOTALIA:
You promised that you’d come and you’d behave.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
Oh I’ll behave, you have to, don’t you… yeah?
At this sort of thing, ev’ryone behaves.
Too many people looking down their noses at you to begin with.
I might just be a total fool, I know.
But I know what to do, and I’ll behave.
And you promised you’d leave before it starts,

TOTALIA:
But<

THE TOTAL WASTER:
>risky, -pulling off a stunt like this.
An probably gonna blow up in me face.
It’s risky- much too risky for you love.
I’ve Two words for you listen: ’Total Ban,’
We’re already been stared at as it is…

TOTALIA:
You won’t forget the lines of protocol?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
Go on will you? I wont forget my lines.
I don’t have much to say here anyway.

TOTALIA:
Okay, I’ll see you later then okay?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
You will, you know you will, just like we ‘ranged.

TOTALIA:
You’re sure you’ll be okay? Are you okay?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I’m not okay, I’m nervous and shit-scared,
I’ll be okay as soon as you go on.
So go on home now , I have ev’rything.
In a few more minutes everybody in this room is going to realise
that I’m a Total waster.
when that happens- I don’t want you around.
(a gong sounds)
Oh crap, it’s starting, go! Skedaddle! Scram!

TOTALIA:
Love you, and dad, -your doing the right thing.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I love you too my girl. Go on madame,

TOTALIA:
Bye then >

THE TOTAL WASTER:
< Yeah bye. I mean it, start walking.

( TOTALIA leaves)
I hope for my own sake, the girl is right.
I hope these people see me as a friend,
Great Wonder! please protect me, here tonight.
Please make it so it works out In the end.

(a gong sounds)

THE WOMAN:
Garbagerie is now in session here.

(a gong sounds)

THE TYPICAL WASTER,SAD WASTER,
THE BIG WASTER and TOTAL WASTER enter.
THE TYPICAL WASTER Bows to THE OLD MAN
THE WOMAN and then THE YOUNG MAN.

THE WOMAN
Come here I want you…waster that you are.
He bows before THE WOMAN a second time.

THE WOMAN:
You are a waster, tell me, what are you?

THE TYPICAL WASTER:
I am a waster.

THE WOMAN:
You have come to the garbagerie, Why?

THE TYPICAL WASTER:
I have brought Items for disposal.

THE WOMAN:
Pray tell us what it is that you have brought?

THE TYPICAL WASTER:
I have brought seventeen bottles.

THE WOMAN:
These bottles: are they GLASS or PLASTIC please?

THE TYPICAL WASTER:
Fifteen are glass and two are plastic.

THE WOMAN:
I see. (declaiming)
Glass was once sand and can be glass again,
And bless-ed glass is always welcome here.
But Feck’n’plastic’s made from awkward’s height.
Recycling plastic’s a pain in the hull.
Plastic is cursed. We don’t want plastic here.
The Glass is good, The plastic: not as good,
We Axe-ept your recycling ,You can go.
(a gong sounds)
He leaves. The second waster appears, a man. he bows as did the
waster before.

THE WOMAN:
You are a waster, tell me, what are you?

SAD WASTER:
I am a waster.

THE WOMAN:
You have come to the garbagerie: Why?

SAD WASTER:
I have brought Items for disposal. .

THE WOMAN:
Pray tell us what it is that you have brought.

SAD WASTER:
I have brought some children’s toys that I thought
might…

THE WOMAN:
(irritated but trying to hide it)
You think we can recycle Childrens toys?

SAD WASTER:
(unwrapping them like precious valuables)
A dolls head with both it’s eyes,
and a small plastic car.

THE WOMAN:
A car? of plastic? that is what you bring?

SAD WASTER:
Yes
(Pause he realises he has made a terrible mistake)
I mean no, I mean it’s just a toy.

THE WOMAN:
A Plastic toy, or do my ears deceive?

SAD WASTER:
Yes.

THE WOMAN:
The doll’s head that is plastic, is it not?

SAD WASTER:
(completely defeated)
Yes.

THE WOMAN:
But Feck’n’plastic’s made from awkward’s height,
Recycling plastic’s a pain in the hull.
Plastic is curs’d. We don’t want plastic here.
So why bring plastic to Garbagerie?

SAD WASTER:
My…My…

THE WOMAN:
Yes?

SAD WASTER:
My child died, last, last, last summer.
My wife she’s…
My wife…
Forgive us!
My wife has been hiding these things and I…
and I…
I told her it was wrong.
Other children can play…
Can play with these things and waste…
waste is a sin.

THE WOMAN:
Waste is a sin, that is a sacred truth.

SAD WASTER:
So I have brought them here.

THE WOMAN:
Your arrogance is outstanding waster!
(declaiming)
You bring your plastic here to us today,
And Feck’n’plastic’s made from awkward’s height,
Recycling plastic’s a pain in the hull.
Plastic is curs’d: we don’t want plastic here.
(to waster)
Disposal is refused: You’re fined… Three loaves
You’ll Bring them to us here within five days.
Your time with us has ended, You can go.

SAD WASTER:
I have…Forgive me!
I have one other item…
I swear I didn’t know she had it but.
You see my wife she’s
Well… old fashioned I mean
She wasn’t before
The child was sick.
it was a sick child
We had already lost one and.
Well she bought something for the baby.
because it was sick.
I forbid her to use it of course.
I have brought it for disposal.

THE WOMAN:
You said you had two items, that was it.
And now it seems You’ve broken protocol.

SAD WASTER:
I am so ashamed of it..it…it..
It’s ’meddysin*’.
(*pronounced med-EEE-sin to rhyme with ‘get Keith in’ perhaps
think of the pronunciation of Medici , m’deeSIN)

THE WOMAN:
(Genuine shock) Meddysin*?

SAD WASTER:
Yes…meddysin.

THE WOMAN:
Meddy-sin* is the worst of all the sins.(Declaiming)
Meddy-sin*’s drugs and drugs are badumkay!
Meddy-sin* is the worst of all the sins!
The enemy of purity and strength,
Meddy sin* did destroy the nat’ral balance,
Meddy sin* kept the weak and sick alive,
Meddy sin* put too many in the world.
( to waster) You swear that it was never ever used?

SAD WASTER:
I swear on the grave of my child we did not even
open it!

THE WOMAN:
Show me, and we will soon see if you lie.
(He hands her a packet)

THE WOMAN:
Vay-grawh…vygrawh… that isn’t even words.
It seems at least as if you tell the truth.
This box is full, the seal remains intact.
You haven’t used it I am glad to see.
(declaiming)
Meddysin* was a plague in oldentime.
Reese-pon-Sybil-itty demands that we
Dispose of meddy-sin responsibly
You acted wisely coming to us here.
Your wife should never buy such things again.
However honestly you come today,
Your wife has sinned the sin of meddy sin,
And so example will be made of her.
(The Old Man Whispers to her ear, her face grows angrier)

THE WOMAN:
Your wife is very fortunate indeed.
It seems she shant be punished after all.
Do not expect such luck another time.
Of course,-Your fine of three fresh loaves
still stands,
The meddysin will be destroyed today.
You’ll go. and don’t forget to pay your fine.
( He leaves, she whispers something to the Old Man,
a gong sounds, The third waster enters- he is the’ Arthur
Daley/del-boy’ of this world ,the type of shameless entrepeneur
that is known in Cork as a ’cute hoor’ his costume should be a
resplendent version of what all the other wasters are wearing, he
bows as did the others, although So obsequiously as to be almost
arrogant.)

THE WOMAN:
Come here I want you,- Waster that you are.
You are a waster, tell me, what are you?

THE BIG WASTER:
I am a waster.

THE WOMAN:
You’ve come here to the garbagerie, why?

THE BIG WASTER:
I have brought items for disposal.

THE WOMAN:
Pray tell us What it is that you have brought?

THE BIG WASTER:
(proudly)I brought two barrels of butter.
I brought
eighteen loaves of good bread. I brought
fourteen pigeon pies;
All made today and still warm. . I have brung five
flasks of wine in
earthy-ware jugs.

THE WOMAN:
Low-cally made? This butter, bread and wine?

THE BIG WASTER:
Low-cally made.

THE WOMAN:
And these winebeakers? are they ‘low-call’ made?

THE BIG WASTER:
yes.

THE WOMAN:
Good food, and fresh, and all low-cally made.

THE BIG WASTER:
good harvest again, I’ve more than enough,
and waste is a sin.

THE WOMAN:
Waste is a sin. that is a sacred law.
(pause)

THE BIG WASTER:
I have also for disposal a fine winter coat,-never
worn. what is made out of Dog fur.
I look upon it as a vestment. (pause)
low-cally made and re-usable.

THE WOMAN:
Re-usable and low-cally made too,
All for disposal here with us today.
(pause)

THE BIG WASTER:
I have also for disposal two fishing nets… low-cally
made and reusable.

THE WOMAN:
Butter and bread and pie and wine and now
a new fur coat and fishing nets times two.
All for disposal here with us today.

THE BIG WASTER:
Yes.

THE WOMAN:
I see.

THE BIG WASTER:
Yes.

THE WOMAN:
For disposal.
(pause)
And could it be conceivable that you,
came here not only for disposal, but:
perhaps with a request, could that be true?
Tell me, is it cynical to wonder,
If there is something we can do for you?

THE BIG WASTER:
Oh Ten queue! Ten queue!

THE WOMAN:
Your gratitude is groundless I’m afraid.
We act with full Reese-pon-Sybil-itty.
We’ve granted nothing, we have shown restraint.
Do you know the clever words of Speidmunn?

THE BIG WASTER:
Speidmunn? I am not an educated man… a farmer
Don’t have time.

THE WOMAN:
Speidmunn was one of the ancients who said:
(declaiming)
that With A Great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty
comes A Great Power’.That is what he said.
(to Waster)
That is why the Reese-pon-Sybil rule.

THE BIG WASTER:
I getcha….err…madam.

THE WOMAN:
Perhaps you disagree with old Speidmunn-
Of whom all those who studied him have said
was both friendly and also neighbourhood?

THE BIG WASTER:
I don’t know anthing. He was if you say he was.

THE WOMAN:
Tell me now, what were your people, waster?

THE BIG WASTER:
My family records are humble, they are not high up
like what yours are.

THE WOMAN:
That much is plain to see, I am not blind.
I hardly think that if it were the case,
that you came from Reese-pon-Sybil-itty,
you’d be here two-day with your pigeon pie,
off-loading guilt with nets and wine and bread!
Of course your records show a waster line!
But which type of low family is yours,
The scandalised, the greedy or the dull?
How wasteful were they in the Bee-four-time?

THE BIG WASTER:
Well mean to say, nothing special,
Only like normal like.<

THE WOMAN:
We Axe-ept your disposal here in full,
But not knowing your past we cannot grant<

THE BIG WASTER:
I come from Dell workers!

THE WOMAN:
(pause, she is amused)
Dell workers?

THE BIG WASTER:
Yes.

THE WOMAN:
The Dell workers? so that’s it! From the Dell?,
there’s precious little shame to feel in that,-
My own Late husband’s parents worked there too
to raise the price of their organic farm,
There’s nothing wrong with working in the Dell,
except that they made Pewters all day long.
But what about recycling, what of that?
How did your people manage their own waste?
(He raises his head).
What about glass, al-minny-omme and tins?

THE BIG WASTER:
(rising pride)
Glass and minny-omme since 1995 madam.

THE WOMAN:
Really? (pause)
By hand or did they use recycling bags?

THE BIG WASTER:
Oh Most of it was just recycling bags…
But that in fairness- warnt really their fault.
I mean they didn’t know the companies were just
dumping the bags…
nobody did.

THE WOMAN:
Then how is it The Reese-pon-Sybil knew?
(pause)
What about foodtins?

THE BIG WASTER:
Since 2001, it took that long before you could do it:
Mean to say. before that, there warnt nowhere to take
them.

THE WOMAN:
They bought them KNOWING they’d be used just once.

THE BIG WASTER:
I spose so.

THE WOMAN:
Not Reese-pon-Sybil. No. By any means.

THE BIG WASTER:
My family have never claimed Reese-pon-Sybil-itty.
(pause)
You come today to the garbagerie.
A waster comes to the Reese-pon-Sybil,
You want something that we can do for you,
Make your request and put it briefly please.

THE BIG WASTER:
I wish permy-shone for repo-duck-shone,
Mean to say,I would like a grandchild.

THE WOMAN:
An Extra child is forbidden by law.

THE BIG WASTER:
Yes madam, You see<

THE WOMAN:
How many grandchildren have you right now?

THE BIG WASTER:
Well now, to tell the truth, I don’t have none.

THE WOMAN:
None?

THE BIG WASTER:
None.

THE WOMAN:
How many children, There should be just one.

THE BIG WASTER:
Just One, a daughter, her mother’s gone…she’s all I
do have in this world.

THE WOMAN:
But then why do you need our permie-shone?
The Law entitles wasters to one child.
That child, may then have one child for themselves.
If, as you claim. Your daughter’s all you have.
Then she can have one child, should she desire.

THE BIG WASTER:
That’s the thing I want to talk about.

THE WOMAN:
Then come now Waster, what is your request?
Come out with it. waste nothing ;even time.

THE BIG WASTER:
I would wish.
I would ask for.
Mean to say.
‘I most omm-belly wreak-west...#

THE WOMAN:
Just tell us what it is you want from us?

THE BIG WASTER:
I want a grandchild what has.
Who was part of.
I do want a grandchild with a degree.
With a degree of Reese-pon-Sybil-itty.

THE WOMAN:
Just what are you suggesting here today?

THE BIG WASTER:
Well what if she moved in with yee a while?
She’s not a bad looking girl an two young people,
And then I could say after: ‘My grandchild’s got
Reese-pon-sible blood’ I’d be pure proud…
Who’se not gonna be delighted to say
he do have a half-reese-pon-sible grandson…

THE WOMAN:
(horrified) DO YOU DARE<

THE BIG WASTER:
Or grand-daughter.
I’ne not sayin nothing about Marraige,
Were too low for that, I know that.
I’ne just sane only that I have a daughter.
A healthy girl.
She has always been; and now she’s a healthy woman.
I am sure that if.
If they were only to spend the enough time together
I am sure…D’you get what I’ne sayin?
Your whole fam’ly is Reese-pon-Sybil and have always
been…
You don’t know what it means to a man like me...
If I were to have the pride of Reese-pon-Sybil-itty.
It would be the type of thing….Mean to say…

THE WOMAN:
Oh I can quite Imagine, yes indeed!.
I’ve never heard the like in my born days!
Are you an idiot, insane or mad?
Reese-pon-Sybil-itty is not for you.
My son is not a bullock kept to breed.
This garbagerie isn’t a stud farm.
No! This Insane request must be denied<

THE OLD MAN:
One moment! Lets go over this again.
You say your daughter’s good-looking and young?
(The BIG WASTER nods empathically)
And you want her to come and live with us,
And lie down with a Responsible male,
And hopefully get pregnant, yes? –that’s right?
So you can say you’re grandson or daughter,
Is half-responsible?- am I correct?

THE BIG WASTER:
Mean to say- t’wood cost you knottin’

THE OLD MAN:
Well if you’re sure that this is what you want…
Then very well, We shall grant your request.

THE WOMAN:
Father! I cannot believe you can mean it.

THE OLD MAN:
I mean it, she can stay here for a month.
Tomorrow bring the girl, and one months food.

THE WOMAN:
I, I, I, I, I,

THE BIG WASTER:
Oh Ten queue, ten queue.

THE WOMAN:
(long pause, the woman bristles with impotent rage. Finally)
Your favour has been granted,_You may leave…
(GONG)
Come here I want you, Waster that you are.
You are a waster, tell me, What are you?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I am a total waster.

THE WOMAN:
You have come to the garbagerie. Why?
Excuse me did you say total waster?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
Yes

THE WOMAN:
My word. can it be true, a total, here?
This seems a day for people with no shame.
This truly is impertinence indeed!
Are you aware that you’re unwelcome here?
Your kind have been denied garbagerie.
A total never will be welcome here.
A total is not welcome anywhere.
Total stupidity. That’s what this is.
I’ve heard of much inbreeding in your tribe.
you have no right to come to us today.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
Look… I know all that just… My daughter, My daughter
convinced me that the…
maybe the time has come for total wasters to obey the
rules, Just like everybody else…

THE WOMAN:
It’s really much too late now, don’t you think?
The world your people made can’t be unmade.
There is not now, and never will there be,
any such thing as Total forgiveness.
I don’t believe in Total forgiveness.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
Yes, Listen, I apologise… I didn’t mean… look I wont
come back I can see this was… Look I’ll go.
I told her it was a mistake, I told she’d be better
off to keep that tin of tin of dog-food for her weddin

THE WOMAN:
You have come to the Garbagerie, Why?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I don’t… I’m sorry… What?

THE WOMAN:
You have come to the Garbagerie, Why?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I…I… I have brought items for disposal.

THE WOMAN:
Pray Tell us what it is that you have brought.

THE TOTAL WASTER
I have brought two reams of recycled paper and a
deeveedee and, and I have brought a tin of dog food.

THE WOMAN:
You bring deeveedee to garbagerie.
(declaiming)
‘All our entertainment must be live’
A deeveedee is plastic awkward ‘s height.
you cant recycle deeveedees at all.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I do apologise we haven’t and we didn’t know

THE WOMAN:
You come to us with Dog Food in a tin.
(declaiming)
A shameless waster brings food in a tin,
Food in a tin, the total wasters creed!
Conveen-yince food- they won’t cook for themselves!
A deeveedee, the enemy of thought.
‘All our entertainment must be live’
(talking)Your presence here defiles this sacred place,
A total waster gets no favours here,
We will not entertain any requests.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I have no request, I came here only to please my
daughter, She believes<

THE WOMAN:
Your ancestors are scum who killed the world.
Total Wasters! Lowest of the low!
were they in advertising? or perhaps,
Executives, or oil barons, who cares?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
My family were<

THE WOMAN:
obscene! as no doubt your connections are,
How dare you come to us today and think,
That we would ever tolerate you here.
I am disgusted more than I can say.
(declaiming)
A total Waster walks among us here!
Mark his bad blood, and mark his scheming eyes!
Tinned food and deeveedees, are what he brings,
He comes to us with sinful, pointless, height.
(talking)
For daring to attempt disposal here
You’re fined the sum of twelve loaves of fresh bread
Disposal is refused and you can go,
Return to this Garbagerie no more.
Just bring your fine and leave it at the gates.
You must never come back to us Total,
And utter sacred words of protocol.
A Total ban’s in operation here.
(THE TOTAL WASTER begins to pick up the items)

THE WOMAN:
Stop that at once and leave them where they are,
Disposal is refused, but still I feel,
A total waster can’t manage his waste.
For We were part of the solution and ,
You were part of the problems we face.
We were Reese-pon-Sybil, and we still are,
Go get the loaves and leave your waste behind.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
But Twelve loaves! Where can I possibly…

THE WOMAN:
Do you dare to ignore the protocol?
Observe the famous Total disregard!
Get out at once and bring back twelve good loaves!
(She looks at THE OLD MAN, he shakes his head)

THE WOMAN:(declaiming)
Garbagerie is ended for today
Be on your way and Please do not disturb!
(A Gong.)
( Any remaining Wasters leave, There is a pause while the young
man checks that the coast is clear, The music that has been
playing ceases. All three hurriedly remove their masks and capes,
[ perhaps storing them in the throne]
The THE OLD MAN pockets the Viagra and picks up the tin and
stares at it while everyone is speaking at once:)
THE YOUNG MAN:
Does anybody want
to tell me just
what the hell is
going on around
here? What’s all
this about that
guys daughter?
THE WOMAN:
I cant believe it.
never in my days,
To come in here
bare-faced and,
It’s a disgrace.
It’s sacrilege
THE OLD MAN:
Calm down, just
everybody
Calm down,
calm down,
everybody,
Look!
Look!
Food in a tin!