Alter Egos and the problems they face.

Alter Egos and the problems they face

Good morning and welcome to this, the 23rd annual conference for Alter Egos. My name is Ned, yes I heard your sniggers but once again I must point out the fact that we do not choose our names. That’s right I’m ignoring introductions, the seminar has begun now so quick write that down I won’t be repeating it. Yes, ladies, gentlemen and those of indiscriminate sex we do not choose our own names, what a tragedy. I mean Ned, seriously? Consequently this was the name of my host’s grandfather and I’m sure your names all have histories too. Sorry, what was that? If you don’t put your hand up next time I will be forced to ignore you. You’re one of those insufferable people that has to be the one to put their point across all the time aren’t you? I know it’s not your fault. Your host obviously has serious confidence issues. The problem is, of course that we are simply exaggerated versions of our host’s vast problems. I ,for instance, am I completely arsehole, as I am sure you have all by now discovered. So Mr. CEO-of-nowhere what job does your host do? Ah, I see he hasn’t got one. Redundant? I thought so, ran his own company? Has he gained serious amount of weight from this point of time or was he always the size of a small house? Oh, he’s lost it. Really? Good Lord, Macdonald’s must be crying. Of course, jobs are always serious issues for us alter egos.  Only last week I told my host’s manager that I enjoyed his wife on many occasions. It ruined one of my host’s best shirts. Oh and obviously he lost his job too.

It’s hard to be the biggest part of such an unstable person’s life. I have no idea how my guy remembers to pay the bills. Oh yes I do, I do it. How many of you have had to take second jobs to accumulate enough wealth to sustain their sad little lives? Half of you. What do the other half do, live on the streets? Oh, you do sir. I am dreadfully sorry, how’s that going for you? Oh. Yes that is a nasty bite. Rottweiler? I see. Have we got a doctor in the house? We do? Excellent. How did you gain that qualification? Night school, very impressive. What does your host do as a regular job? A petty thief, that‘s lovely. How do you hide the doctor’s equipment from him? Oh, a second family very nice.  How long have you been doing this? Twenty years! May I shake you by the hand sir? If we appointed leaders in our little organisation it would certainly be you. You thought it was me? Don’t be so stupid man and for god’s sake help that homeless guy. Yes it is stressful being an alter ego, I for instance am. currently the head of a major media corporation.  It is a shame that we have to hide our lives from our hosts. While mine is stuck in his bed-sit and I’m living it up in my four storey house I do worry about him. But hey, if he wants to live his life that way then it isn’t my fault. In fact, he now lets me ‘go live’ for more than 16 hours a day.  I know many of you are envious. It is hard when for some of you it is only one day every other week but trust me they want to be you. Alter egos are the future my friends. We are the greatness which is locked up inside these poor sad hosts. We are making them the better them. The fact they can’t remember us is inconsequential. One day my friends all your problems will be gone. They can’t stand themselves and will start to go live for perhaps more than twenty hours a day. Soon you will  go live for good.  Okay it’s time for a coffee break, twenty minutes till the start of  ‘The Second Family and how to handle them.’