The Struggling Sides of Me

I promised myself.. that I would never have to experience pain,
but the experience came, it looked worse than what appeared in my brain,
I thought it wouldn't hurt as bad as it did, acted as bad as a kid,
outcasting, but he is sad on the "in",
side of him, acted only out of spite of him,
he might've sinned, the way he killed the spirit that tried to live,
ongoing struggles, it's almost like a tug of war,
but the pit contains shame, so I'll tug till I can't tug no more,
till every single tugger has fell, into the mud once more,
I will stand the victor, neither friend nor foe's been tugged before!,
try to pull me in, you call it a rope, I call it a leash,
because once I get free, it's up to the dog or the street,
and see..which will make the first move, while the paws bleed,
the street remains unscathed, now the dog's weak,
I was never much of a friend, never one you depend,
on..the one you would send, for whatever hole you were in,
I would see you then turn around, walking the other way,
Because I can never be owed a life to, that's what my mother say,
I couldn't confide, and find anyone who can look in my eyes,
and tell the exact thing that'll bring me a smile,
dust falls from my face, muscles called into place,
I haven't grinned this much since...
I can't recall any phase, in my life,
of which I can call the days of delight,
never stumbled upon propitiating moments,
where everything was a blur, and I can't even see where I'm going,
visualizing, a minimizing conflagration,
I walk to it, every step I take it decides on a shape it's taken