The Cake is NOT a Lie

My wife was looking so hot that night
When all of a sudden she was kidnapped by a dragon
I was really upset by this
Because I was looking forward
to some hardcore, rugged,
wild, glorious,
chess later

So much for taco night, I begrudgingly sighed
but anxiously began my quest to bring her back
because my dearest Gladys is simply too hot to leave
in the hands of a stinking dragon

With sword shimmering under the moonlight
in one hand
And a mound of moist cake in the other
(that my dearest Gladys crafted by her own hands)
I set off from my door in pursuit of the beast
bearing north to the mountainous coast of Skyrim

Fully aware that I would not be well enough
equipped to face the dragon on my own
I sought the aid of my most trusted home-dawg
Hiccup Horrendus Haddock III
For he had experience with the creatures
whereas I was a virgin in the matter

Most distraught he was,
when he dubiously repeated the grim statement
that my hot wife was gone
I told him to watch it

'Twas day five of travel and we were most fatigued and disheartened
because the cake supply was running low
but we carried on

Then something truly incredible occurred
when I had almost given in to the snow and pines
I heard a voice; a most recognizable voice
a wonderful voice
My jaw dropped and I nearly wept
when I saw none other than
Christian Bale
Enter our encampment

He became my best friend immediately
(though not at his behest)
for I was such a huge fan
Hiccup was a little jealous but he can get over it
Because he's a cartoon

This magnificent Brit was also well versed
in dragon ways
And he said he was searching for
a beast that had passed by
I told him it had my hot wife
And the most courteous chap
immediately volunteered to join us
How kind of him

When finally we came before the dragon's lair
I almost feinted
because Liam Neeson was there
also hunting the dragon
(Now all I need is Val Kilmer and Rick Moranis
And maybe Bill Murray
And I will have the most rugged house party ever
But first we need Gladys so she can make cake)

For now, though, I make good with Hiccup,
Christian, and Liam,
and together we entered the dragon's keep
I with my steel sword, Hiccup a knife
Liam a long bow,
And Christian an M249 SAW
Just kidding, it was only an M4
Just kidding, it was actually a claymore

My ragged brown cape billowing in the wind was an epic sight
But nothing could have prepared me for the epicness of the dragon

Standing it was upon a ledge of a ruined castle
Geysers from rifts below caused water to condense on my face
Making me look manly

It was there I saw my dearest Gladys
conked-out in the clawed clutches of the creature
She's really hot when she's sleeping

At the urging of my companions we charged the monster
Yelling out more epicly than William Wallace at Stirling Bridge

Despite the monster's advantage as a level 300
We bravely teamed him
But before we smote his ruin upon the mountainside
The dragon relinquished, and said he only kidnapped my hot wife
for her cake
But shortly thereafter discovered
That the cake was a lie

And so we made peace
I held my hot wife close and she kept going on
about how brave and manly I was
and that we were going to have hardcore, rugged
chess matches later
As we and the rest of our crew
rode upon the back of the dragon and returned home

Christian and Liam hit up their famous friends
and we had the best house party ever
Even Norman Rockwell came
And he painted a portrait of me and Hiccup facing the beast
as it held Gladys
Christian and Liam are paintbrush shy
so they weren't in it

When it was all done, my dearest Gladys
made tacos and cake just for the two of us
And finally
I got that hardcore, rugged,
wild, glorious
chess

The End

Randomic pentameter
103 Lines
What