Me: A Self Evaluation

         Sometimes I wonder who it is that I am.  Am I a good man with bad habits, or a bad man simply living an acceptable life.  It’s strange not knowing how to define yourself.  If asked I guess I’d first say a romantic, but then add hopeless to the term to account for my abnormal amount of shyness.  Sometimes I just wonder if other people think of me when I am gone.  Am I mentioned by my friends as they are talking, is my name thrown out as a possibility for some unlucky girl.  I just wish the world were simpler, sometimes I wish I lived years ago when what you did for a living and who you married were determined for you.
         I hate the wondering, the trying to decide who I like, and who likes me.  Can’t we just skip to the end, because when it all comes down to it I can’t wait to be a dad.  That’s one of the few definites I have,  I want to be a damn amazing father to Isaac and/or any other kids I will have.  I can’t say I want to be a Nobel Prize winning physicist, because I don’t think I want to.  Getting my name into those books may lead to biographies, and get back to my first problem of if I’m a bad man, or a good one.  How will history judge me.
         I think I want to teach, but I don’t know if I can handle the responsibility.  Teachers may be the most underpaid profession.  They have a tremendous responsibility compared to the other professions.  Teachers determine the future of the world by shaping the future present.  Every CEO, Pulitzer Prize Winner, Athlete, etc.  had a teacher that at the end of the day helped them get there, maybe even inspired them.  The lure of money and prestige is simply too great, maybe I want to do research and help find the first magnetic monopoles.  Imagine the implications.
         What hope do I have, I am a twenty one (one week from twenty two) year old male who is yet to truly find his place in his own life.  I have a terrible job, massive student loans, a fantastic dog, a family that supports me, and a huge obsession with “mythological” beings.  That’s right, if I were to name off my greatest heroes among them would be Robin Hood and Icarus.  A man who did all in his power to give away everything he had and more using means of highly questionable legality, and the guy who flew too close to the sun.
         Even if you give me Robin Hood as a legit hero, Icarus is a definite no.  The man was told to use his wings to not fly too high, or too low, and he flies too high and pays for it with his life.  To me however this flying too high is something to be admired, rather than mocked.  He did what we all wish we could, he flew.  I can’t help but draw analogies to my life, many times I see the chance to fly, and opt to remain firmly on the ground in my self-made prison.  I just can’t stand it anymore watching life go by because I was too scared to fly.  So what if I crash and burn, at least I’ll be able to say I tried.  That’s all bull shit, I can’t work up the nerve to fly, when push comes to shove, it’ll be a literal shove which might make me fly.  But I can’t help think of that man who soared for a brief time, only to lose his wings and drown in the Aegean. 
         Sometimes I just wish I could break down and actually have the perfect person find me, put their hand on my shoulder and say it will be ok.  I don’t know if they would be a friend, stranger, enemy, or family member, but they would be there for me.  Maybe I should do something more with my life, because right now I feel worthless.