The Death of the King

Citizens of the Kingdom of His Highness,



As the lot of you are wont to mutter and grumble against His Highness, I am sure that it will cause you great relief and perhaps even joy that our beloved King has died. While your own pathetic conspiracies to poison his cup or what-have-you were not nearly sufficient, it would appear that the age-long conspiracy between soap and the floor of the royal shower was powerful enough to do him in.



As a loyal scribe of the late king, I felt it necessary to clear up misconceptions that His Late Highness may have put forward during his reign. It was due to these actions that you felt threatened and abused by His Highness, but I can attest that it was not meant to be taken as such.



First, when he said that all firstborn babies would be sacrificed to him, he did not mean that he was going to kill them. He’s kept them in a chamber near his own chambers. You may come to collect your child, if he or she still lives. We haven’t really been checking up on them since the “sacrifice” was really just a symbolic thing, but I’m sure they’re okay.



Secondly, when we tacked up a notice in the square that there would be a need for catapult testers, we specifically stated that the applicant may be placing his life in mortal danger by doing so. Then you people had the audacity to be upset when you saw Darren Barrows go flying ‘cross the skies and land in Farmer Filchen’s cow barn. I am sorry that His Highness did not specifically mention that the applicant would not be the one throwing the lever to activate the catapult but, in actuality, would be used as a projectile, but I thought it to be common knowledge.



Finally, you may stop your training for rebelling against the king for taking all the virgins in the kingdom as his concubines. His Highness apparently forgot that some of them are virgins for a reason. So, at the final request of His Highness, please, please, please, PLEASE take back these repulsive hellspawn that you actually consider fighting for. We have enough gargoyles as it is.



That is all. The coronation for the Crown Prince will happen this Thursday evening after the weekly stoning of Anything-That-We-Don’t-Like. I am sure that Heathen Reinhold will put on another spectacular performance.



Long Live the King,

Scribe Jarvis