Love Barbs

Jonas Bingley loved barbed wire. So much so, that the eccentric old codger had constructed not only a dog with the stuff, but a woman he lovingly named Barbara. His home, a decadent explosion of metal spikes and twisted metal had grown upwards and outwards, prodding enraged neighbours and startled cats.

Jonas loved Barbara in his special way but a thrumming passion to bring her to life wired its way through his veins. But how to animate what was essentially just some cleverly bent metal? Pondering and planning, thinking and plotting, he eventually constructed a wire snare, in aid of catching an elusive lightning thief. Such capricious devils they were, as they capered about shooting sparks at peoples’ backsides! But maybe with the right voltage and wired up to Barbara…

Well, that was to be seen. He placed a large jar of fireflies on top of the trap, light to snangle and tangle them, box and outfox the little buggers. Lights would bring them in and the trap would cripple them.

Seven years came and went with not a sniff of a lightening thief and Jonas was almost out of fireflies. Yet one day, luck was wired from the heavens and a sharp yell and torrents of curses brought Jonas shooting outside.

He had done it! The ugly, pickled and spotty creature was trapped and rippling with powered electricity which shot at Jonas with abandon, scorching his rump. Yelping, Jonas retreated to a safe distance and observed in safety. It was a haggard little beast, if ever he saw one, with skin that resembled a toad and eyes that were murky and blistered. It was truly foul, but his quest would not be snagged on this barb!

No sir, he resolved, as he tackled it, gripping its slimy body firmly in hand and taking it to Barbara, enduring electrocution on the way. How beautiful she was, her shiny, dangling legs, her piercing, barbed eyes and her locks of silver wire curls. Jonas shoved the creature in a metal box which he had placed within her chest and locked it, waiting.

Swearing and spitting, the lightning thief reached for Jonas, wishing to throttle him but its arms were too short. Instead, its rage bulged out until it burst into bright ball lightening, causing Barbara’s body to jerk and shake with surging energy travelling her barbed wire bones.

Jonas stared in rapt awe. The thief had vanished but Barbara raised her hand, in warm greeting? She moved daintily and unsteadily to Jonas, tottering on wire thin feet. All the set backs were worth it for this glorious moment and Jonas opened his arms. She hugged him rigidly, tight and bloody until he began to wheeze.

“Too tight, Barbara, too tight!” he gasped but she squeezed stronger. Life wired its way one last time around his body and then Jonas died, suffocated. Barbara smiled wryly and left, cold and merciless, barbarous and tough. She was, after all, only metal.