An Awakening of the Spirit

An Awakening of the Spirit
-Didn’t know what it was…didn’t know I needed one.


         I had been struggling all of my life.  I was seeking….something.  I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking for.  All I know was, whatever it was, it always seemed to be just out of reach.  I pretty much tried everything.  I now know I was trying to fill a spiritual void with material things:  people, places, objects, etc.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.
         Being the first born and only child for the first five years of my life had its advantages.  I was the center of attention.  And even after my siblings came along, I fought to keep that distinction.
         There was a constant internal battle being waged between my behavior and the values my parents taught me.  There was a part of me that wanted to be a good girl simply because I wanted my parents’ approval.  Yet to my adolescent mind, good girls weren’t having any fun.  That was the beginning.
         I learned to hide.  I hid my feelings.  I hid my thoughts.  I hid the behavior.  I became good at manipulating people, situations and circumstances.  I ran.  I ran from the truth.  I ran from the shame and guilt.  I ran from me.  And slowly but surely, my spirit died.
         On some level, I think I welcomed the numbness.  If I didn’t think, if I didn’t feel, if I ignored the truth, maybe it would go away.  The funny thing about the truth is that it just is.  With every turn, it was there.  No matter how far I ran, or how hard I tried to hide, it was there.
         Early one morning, sitting on the bay watching the sun rise, I felt such a peace.  Instinctively I knew that God as I knew Him had smiled on me.  At that moment I learned a new concept that was heretofore foreign to me.  Surrender to win.
         Nothing in my early experience prepared me for this.  Everything I had been taught said:  “Don’t quit!  Don’t give up!  Don’t give in!”  Yet this new knowledge said I’d been struggling to get it right and it was the struggle that created the pain and confusion.  However, the minute I surrendered, I dropped my guard and opened my heart, the light of forgiveness and peace surrounded me.  My spirit started to awaken.  That was twenty years ago.  And what a wonderful journey this has been.
         As women, we are sometimes taught to take care of everybody else but ourselves.  In this time when appearance is so important, we will feed, nurture and care for the body.  Some of us may be fortunate enough to be taught to feed, nurture and care for the mind.  Sadly though, we tend to neglect the spirit.
         As a result, we overlook our essence, our soul, that which makes us who we are.  I have learned that in order to live a peace-full life, which is all I ever really wanted, I need to feed, nurture and care for the whole person: mind, body, and spirit.  And it is in the awakening of my spirit that I truly come alive.