Ruffies (very rough work in progress)

Ruthies

Melissa Powell-Osborne



I woke up face down on the cannonball bed of my loft apartment with the smell of beer and sex in my nostrils.  The last thing I remembered was sitting at the bar of Skullies Tavern and ordering a daiquiri. I didn’t remember coming home. The sun was bIindingly bright through the picture window and I pulled the blankets over my head. My body ached from head to toe and at this point getting up was not an option. I groaned my discomfort as even the movement of pulling the blanket over my head sent needles of pain coursing through my body.

A familiar voice rang in my ears. It was Alisha, My best friend since elementary school.

"You poor thing, are you ok" she asked 

I grunted a halfhearted response and didn't try to move.

"What happened" I grumbled, head still under the blankets.

"We’ll, I’m not sure, and I was hoping you could tell me. I left you for a few minutes to dance with that guy... you know the one with the button up shirt and the scar. well when I came back from dancing you were gone, I waited for you for a long time, I tried calling your phone, no one had seen you, so when it started getting near closing time and you hadn’t reappeared I decided to go out and check the parking lot and that’s where I found you face down in the parking lot in your current condition. I couldn’t wake you. Seth helped me load you into the car and we drove you home and put you to bed. You don't remember anything?"

"No" I said

I rolled over in bed and sat up against my body’s painful protest. The room was spinning and my body ached.

"Someone slipped you a Ruthie, oh my gawd, I’ve seen this on TV,”

"A ruthie" I asked

"Yeah you know, the date rape drug"

I groaned and after the room stopped spinning I tried to stand. The pain was too much. Alisha seeing my struggle grabbed me around the waist and helped me stand. Moans of pain escaped my lips despite my efforts to be stoic.

“Oh dear you poor thing, we should get you to a hospital.” Alisha said

“NO!!!” I snapped “just help me to the shower.

The shower stung my scratches but the warmth was inviting and I stood there for a long time soaking up the warm comfort raining down on me. After some time I decided to inspect my wounds I had cuts and scratches all over and a huge bruise on my hip. Judging from my aches and pains I was pretty sure I had been raped, and I knew that a trip to the doctor would have been a wiser choice than the shower but, I couldn’t bear the humiliation. So instead I began to scrub, and scrub, trying to get the filth off of me.  I scrubbed from head to toe and then started again until my skin was sore and the water became a thousand tiny icicles forcing me from the shower. It was then that I looked in the mirror and barely recognized myself, my eye was swollen shut, my bottom lip was more than pouty and the cut on my forehead was at least an inch long, and probably could have used some stitches.

Alisha had made me breakfast. The smell of French toast and bacon made my belly grumble despite the pain and grogginess I was famished and I devoured the breakfast in record time.

The phone on the wall rang and Alisha answered.

"Yes, she is alive thank God, In a lot of pain, Can’t remember anything, I’ll try… Ok I’ll call you later… “She said

Oh jeez… who else knew about this?

She replaced the phone on the receiver and took a seat across the table from me. Then she slid two over the counter pain relievers and a piping hot cup of coffee in my direction.

“Seth-“she answered before I even asked.

"How do you feel sweetie"

I just grunted and popped the pills into my mouth. Turning the hot coffee up to my lips I felt it dribbling down my chin and Alisha handed me a napkin. Damned swollen lip

"This breakfast will fix you right up" she sounded so motherly and I could see genuine concern in her gray eyes and I was glad my best friend was there.

Over the next few days I contemplated going to a doctor and being checked for STD's but truthfully I didn’t want to deal with a situation I couldn’t even remember. My mind ran rampant playing out this scenario and that and wondering what had happened that night.

I replayed the evening and remembered a young red haired man approaching me at the bar and offering to buy me a drink. I had declined his offer and rudely said something like...

"I think I hear your mommy calling"

He hadn't taken it well, and called me a name or two as he walked away. But he was small in stature as I recalled, and I didn’t think he had the build, or demeanor for abuse of this magnitude. It would have taken two of him to drag me to the parking lot, and then I seriously doubted he’d have gone unnoticed while doing it. So that eliminated him from my suspect list. Or at least put him in the probably not category.  Maybe it was the bartender. He had been trying to talk to me for weeks. He had only been working at Skullies a couple months but in that time he put much effort into trying to pick me up. He had the build for it, he could have easily hauled me out the door unnoticed, He was always hauling some drunk out to a taxi because they were too drunk to drive. No one would have given a second thought to him escorting me out.

Alisha had stayed with me every night since the incident. I had been having some horrible nightmares since the incident, and I was glad she was there. She had the patience of a saint and she was my most trusted friend and I was so thankful for her through this. She never complained about being with me and helped in every way possible, but I knew she had her own life to get back to and after a week I promised her I would be ok and sent her home.

"I mean there really is nothing to be upset about, how can I be upset over something I can’t even remember?" I asked, and that’s probably how I should have felt but I was struggling to get through each day watching over my shoulder refusing food that I or Alisha hadn't fixed. I put on a smile and sent her on her way but the fact was that inside I was a train wreck.

In the following weeks I barely left my apartment and the only human interaction I had was with Alisha who came by daily and Seth who would pop in on weekends when he wasn’t working out of town. They were quickly becoming my only link to the world outside my apartment. I was no longer the independent, self-confident woman I had always been. I had become a shut in, and I was scared of every sound that went bump in the night. On the unavoidable occasion that I had to go out I was constantly watching over my shoulder thinking that everyone was looking at me, and any one of them could be the person who had done this to me. Going out was becoming more and more unbearable and I had started asking Alisha to pick things up for me so I wouldn’t have to. I hated what this had turned me into, and the woman in the mirror, I hated her too. She was such a coward she was not even someone I recognized anymore. Was I going crazy? Could that woman in the mirror really be me? The phone rang breaking the starring contest I had been having with myself in the mirror, and It was Seth. Sweet gorgeous Seth, who I had crushed on for years, but never told for fear of losing the rare and perfect friendship we had shared since 4th grade,. The call started with the normal formalities before it went in the direction it always did.



"Between you and Alisha how could I be anything but ok?"

"Do you remember anything" He asked hopefully

"Not a thing" I said, not sure I wanted to remember the parts I did. I just wanted to sweep it all under the rug and forget it ever happened at all. But my period was two weeks late and I was beginning to fear that forgetting wasn’t in the cards any time soon.

"I’ve been back to the bar couple times since then and last night another girl was found in the parking lot beat up" he told me

"Who?"

"I didn't know her I just saw the ambulance and her being loaded and I have to say angel, she got a worse deal than you did"

I know that was meant to make me feel better and I loved him for his effort, and I loved it even more when he called me angel. I always had loved it when he called me angel. But as heartwarming as it all was, I didn’t feel better. I felt worse, I felt weak for not coming forward and doing my part to stop this beast before he hurt another woman. All the hurt and anger and humiliation welled up in my throat and threatened to burst out with my next word. After a brief pause to get my thoughts going in a different direction I swallowed down the lump in my throat and ended the call as quickly as I could.

"Well I have to go Seth I have tea on the stove"

I didn't have anything on the stove but I couldn't listen to another girl being brutalized story. I knew her pain and her helplessness. I watched the news that night half hoping I’d hear the story and half hoping I wouldn’t and there she was bruised and scarred trying to tell her story. I had to give it to her for having the courage to step forward, especially on TV.  Something I would never have the courage to do. I didn't know her but she was as much a regular at Skullies as my friends and I had been, until the incident. I had seen her around and my heart hurt for her... and for me... I cut the TV off and collapsed into a heap on the sofa and cried myself to sleep.

  Another week passed and my period still hadn’t started. I rubbed my tummy and wondered if there was life in there, and what I would do if there was.  I quickly brushed those thoughts aside and sat down at my computer to work. Luckily I was a freelance writer and I could do my work from home.  The checks were auto-deposit and most of the bills were auto-pay so my new isolated existence wasn't really hindering my life. The article I was working on was due in two days and I had sat down at my computer fifty-eleven times trying to get it together but my thought always drifted in the same direction, of the rape and potential pregnancy and a million miles away from why slugs are important to the environment.

My name and the title were on the paper this time and that was progress.

Alisha still came by every night and brought soup. She thought food could fix anything, and she had a special fondness for soup. "Soup warms the heart and soul" she would say. That night as Alisha and I sat in front of the TV sipping split pea soup and watching the news another story came on about Skullies and another girl had been drugged and brutalized. They did not talk to her on the news, but I recognized the name Sarah Winston as the waitress at Skullies, we were never friends, but we were in the same graduating class and knew each other well enough to exchange greetings when we passed on the street. I think she had a kid, I remember seeing her at the bank a couple times with a little girl. Oh what she must be going through trying to hide her emotions from her child and deal with this at the same time. My heart ached.

"That’s the third one" Alisha gasped "you'd think he would move on to another bar, another town... Before someone steps forward who can identify him, he has to be on the verge of being classified a serial rapist, and there is no telling how many women have been too ashamed to speak up. The only person who should be ashamed is this monster"

I knew that was her feeble attempt at getting me to come forward with my story, and I knew she was right I should step forward, do my part to save the next victim from this guy’s clutches but I couldn't. Thanks God Alisha respected my wishes and even though she wanted me to step forward I knew she would never push the issue.

"I’m late" I said the words just come out of me. My brain yelling no but my mouth had a mind of its own and the cat was out of the bag.

"Late? It’s 10pm and you haven't left the house in weeks, what are you late for?"

I repeated myself "I’m late" this time adding more emphasis to the word late and raising my eyebrows in a read between the lines fashion.

Alisha was silent for a minute and the realization hit her hard and she gasped covering her mouth as if that wasn’t supposed to come out.

"OH My Gawd are you serious? Oh My Gawd Mags what do we do"

I took comfort in the "we" it made me feel less alone in this, I already knew Alisha would be with me through this just as she had every other crisis in my life. But hearing it was nice.

I just shrugged and sipped my soup.

With that Alisha grabbed her purse and left without a word of goodbye. I didn't have to wonder what she was doing. She was gone only 10 minutes but it seemed like forever and when she knocked on the door for me to let her back in Part of me wanted to ignore her pounding.

She plopped down on the sofa, sat her brown bag on the coffee table and began to empty its contents. A box of tissue, a pregnancy test, and a container of Neapolitan ice cream.



I smiled despites myself she always thought of everything.

She tossed the pregnancy test to me and motioned toward the bathroom. When I just stood there she motioned toward the bathroom and urged me to

“get to it”

“I don’t have to pee”

"Pee anyway"

I grunted at her and plopped down on the sofa beside her. I didn’t know if I wanted to know. If I knew I would have to decide what to do. I still just wanted it all to go away.

The next hour was spent with Alisha shoving water at me, until I went and locked myself in the bathroom with the test just to get her to stop. I sat on the toilet and read the box. Apparently you only had to pee on a stick and wait 5 minutes for a result. One line was no and two lines was yes.  I followed the instructions, recapped the test and waited. The result took way less than five minutes in fact the result was almost immediate. There it was 2 lines just as I feared. I sat starring at the two lines trying to will one of them away but no matter how mush starring and praying I did the two lines just stared back at me unwilling to cooperate.  I must have been in the bathroom for quite a while because Alisha started pounding away at the door startling me and sending the test flying across the room.

"Well... are you ok in there"

"Mags?"

I didn't answer.



"Let me in Mag's"

I retrieved the test and slid it under the door without a word staying locked in my sanctuary starring at nothing in particular and thinking about everything. My mind was swirling to the point I started feeling dizzy and slid myself down the wall to sit on the floor and rest my head on my knees. What would I do now?

I finally emerged from the bathroom to my waiting friend who stood holding two spoons and the Neapolitan ice cream. Not a word was said, luckily Alisha and I had that kind of bond where nothing needed to be said, I could see in her eyes that she was hurting for me and I’m sure she could see in mine that I was terrified. We spent the rest of that night sitting on my bed with the box of tissues and the gallon if ice cream... I cried, I cussed, and I sat silent for a while. And then I decided I would have an abortion. I had never been one who believed in abortion, but under these circumstances I thought God might forgive me, and maybe in time I would forgive myself too.  It was Friday, so I would have to live with it through the weekend and maybe in that time I could convince myself not to go through with it. It was still an innocent child no matter how it was conceived I told myself, but I just wasn’t listening.

By the time I cried myself to sleep I was so stuffed with strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla, that I was sure I wouldn’t be hungry again for day, but when the sun crept through my window on Saturday morning I quickly discovered I was wrong. I was starving. Saturday was Seth's day off work.  I knew he would be popping in for a visit at some point and after eating my toast and jelly I cleaned myself up and tidied the apartment. Being sure to hide the test under my mattress where I was sure no one would find it. I wasn’t ready to share my secret and certainly not with Seth. Even though I was sure our relationship would never go beyond friendship I couldn’t bear the thought of him looking at me as if I were damaged goods.  When I was satisfied that everything was in order enough to keep Seth from worrying I sat down at my computer and started my latest article "Why slugs are important to the environment" That was as far as managed to get before getting side tracked with the email I hadn’t checked in at least a week. One in particular caught my attention. The address read [e-mail] the subject was "Skullies" I opened it and all it said was "Hope to see you again REAL soon" and it was signed “Skullies” I panicked, jumping up from my chair so fast the desk chair went rolling across the room. Could it be for Him? From a safe distance I read and reread the email as if reading repeatedly would divulge some new information.

The knock on the door startled me and I hesitated to answer, after the second knock to which I didn’t respond I heard a familiar voice

"I know you're in there Mags"

It was Seth. I hurried to the door to let him in and wrapped my arms around him in the biggest hug ever...

"Whoa... don't knock me down" he said stumbling backwards “what’s wrong angel” has asked his gruff voice sending warmth throughout my body. He had the sexiest voice I’d ever heard and I suddenly felt safe knowing that Seth would never let anything happen to me.

I let go and retreated into the den leaving Seth to shut the door and follow me.

"I want to show you something" I said pointing to the computer and the still open email.

Seth didn't say a word he just hugged me and I sobbed into his white polo for a long time. Then he pulled me to the sofa and sat beside me. No one is going to hurt you again Mags, I promise... it’s probably just from the bar, I mean you havent been there in quite a while, and you were a regular for a long time. I imagine they are losing business lately with…” He stopped himself and I was glad he had. I didn’t want to think about it, let alone talk about it. He guided me to the sofa and pulled the orange sofa pillow to his lap his muscular tan hand patting it and those blue eyes beckoning me to come and lay my head in his lap. . I didn't argue, I lay my head on the pillow and he pulled the lime green throw from the back of the sofa onto my legs. He was so warm, and smelled like salty ocean air, and some flower, it was a masculine smell I recognized as Cool Breeze the cologne I had bought him for his birthday. I just lay there breathing him in, feeling safe and warm, like a babe in mama’s arms. Until I drifted off to what was the best sleep I’d had since everything happened.

At some point Alisha had come in and when I woke, she and Seth were both sitting Indian style on the floor backs leaned against the sofa I’d been sleeping on with a bowl of chips between them. They were watching the evening news it was about another woman with a story very much like mine. This time it was at the bar across the street from Skullies. I didn’t move pretending I was still asleep, and maybe I would stay that way until they finished discussing the latest victim because I didn’t want to talk about it. I was tired of talking about it.

"Do you think it’s the same guy" Alisha asked

"I’d be willing to bet on it" Seth replied

"The victim Ragine Waneright was found slain....." the newscaster said

I didn't hear anything beyond that... Ragine... My sister was slain by the same man who raped me. I had sat back and done nothing to protect other women and now my sister was dead. I lay frozen, I couldn’t move. Both of them turned to look at me, laying there eyes wide staring at the ceiling and thoughts of everything Ragine running through my head, our makeover sessions, our fights, Tommy Ledbetter who we both dated, our last phone conversation. No... It wasn’t possible, Ragine was in Texas she hadn’t mentioned coming to town, she was safe in Texas. I’d just call her and she’d answer and everything would be fine. I jumped up nearly taking off Alisha's head in the process and hurried to the phone. I pounded out her number on the key pad. It took me three tries to get the number right against my shaken nerves, that shook all the way to my hands. The phone rang... Three rings... four rings... and then the answering machine... This is Ragine and Bootsie... "

I hung up... paced the floor for moment and then picked up the phone again. This time I dialed mom. Who answered on the second ring.

I didn’t even give her time to say hello...

"Mom is it true?" I asked with fear and dread in my voice...

Mom was silent and then I heard the sobbing. Mom was sobbing...

"I’m on my way mom" I said in mid hang up... Then I bolted out the door without even grabbing a coat. Luckily Seth had grabbed one and followed me out the door. I hadn’t even grabbed my purse and keys damn it I barked to no one in particular turning back toward the house. But Seth and Alisha stopped me and insisted that Seth drive me, and Alisha would close up my house and get my things together and she would follow in my car so I would have it to drive back home. It sounded like a good plan and even if it hadn’t I was emotionally in no state to argue, or drive. So I followed him to the Gray suburban parked on the street and hoisted my way up into it. Time seemed to be dragging by everything was in slow motion and I knew the four hours to get to mom would be the longest four hours of my life. I was too in shock to speak, or cry, and how much more could I take. On top of all those feeling was guilt. How could ever tell my mom it was partially my fault Ragine was gone. At least the four hour drive would give me plenty of time to figure out what to say.

The first hour was driven in silence and I replayed to reporters words in my head, why had Ragine been in town, and why hadn’t she let me know she would be visiting? I didn’t even realize I was rubbing my belly until Seth spoke.

“Do you have a stomach ache” he asked

I quickly jerked my hand away from my slightly bulging belly.

“What? Oh. No... Nerves I guess” I said shrugging off the question. This was hardly the time to get into that.

“This isn’t your fault angel” he said in a soft soothing voice

But it was my fault. I could have stopped this lunatic, I still could stop this lunatic, his DNA was growing inside of me and I was so selfish I just wanted it out of me. I hadn’t cared that this baby could be the key to catching this beast. If he only knew he wouldn’t be treating me so kindly. I didn’t deserve to be treated so kindly. I burst into tears and cried until I was hyperventilating, all the while Seth trying to console me. But the more kind things he said the worse I felt, and the harder I cried. When the hyperventilating started Seth eased the Suburban of the pavement and came to a stop on the side of the road. It was dark out and no street lights made it a little eerie, but at this point I would have welcomed something coming to take me away from this world. It should have been me killed not Ragine.

He pulled the SUV into park and stepped out into the crisp autumn night. I could see him making his way to my side and then opening my door, where he took my hand and pulled me out standing just inched away face to face. I shuddered against the night air and he pulled me into him and held me so close I wanted to melt into him.

“Let it out angel” he said and kissed the top of my head as I nestled into his warm embrace and cried uncontrollably. He stroked my hair and hummed a tune I didn’t recognize and for a moment all seemed right with the world. I wished beyond any wish I’d ever made that I could just freeze this moment in time and stay safe in his arms forever. When I had stopped sobbing he pulled my chin up so that I was looking into his eyes, I could see the concern for me in them, and I wanted to kiss his melon colored lips as I watched him speak.

“I’m always here for you angel” he said and I knew he was telling the truth. He leaned in to me and my heart raced, he was about to kiss me. I tilted my head up to meet his lips with mine and closed my eyes. I could feel his warm breath on my mouth and my heart skipped a beat. Did he feel the same for me as I had for him all of these years? His lips were soft as they made contact with mine and I felt his hands cup my face and draw mean nearer it was a perfect moment. But it couldn’t be. I pushed away and turned my back to him, taking note of the different maps stashed in the door compartment. The buzzing of the open door suddenly became irritating and I thought it strange that I hadn’t even heard it before. I sat down in the car fighting the urge to look into his gorgeous tan face. I knew if I did I would want to be back in his arms picking up where we had just left off.  But I was pregnant with a rape baby, I was damaged goods, how could he want me if he knew the truth.

For the next half hour we rode in awkward silence and as much as I had cried you’d have thought I wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom, but I did and I was hungry. We pulled into an all-night diner and Seth found us a table while I excused myself to the bathroom. When I came back Seth was seated at a corner booth looking over the menu. God he was gorgeous. He was what you would get if George Clooney and Johnny Depp had a baby. The shoulder length brown locks and the George Clooney mustache had stolen a lot of women’s hearts, mine included. But the best part about Seth was he didn’t know he was gorgeous.

“I ordered coffee, I hope that’s ok” he said as I slipped into the booth.

“Perfect” I said

And then silence. I wanted to tell him why I had pushed away. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. So I sipped my coffee and grabbed a menu. The only other person in the Diner was Vera the waitress and the cook whose name was apparently Marv and I wondered if the two were a couple based on the fact that Vera barked our orders at him in a tone usually reserved for bickering married couples.

“Get a move on Marv” Vera clucked

Seth was the first to speak about the kiss; looking into his coffee as if he saw something there he began to speak. His voice shaky as if he was struggling to find the words he wanted to say.

“I’m sorry about..well.. About earlier...” he said never looking up at me.

I took his hand that was resting on the table and I didn’t really know what to say. So I said nothing. I just gave his hand a gentle squeeze, and that was that. Awkward moment over.

“Another 2 hours or so and we will be at yours moms house, it will be good to see her again” he said. “Well not under these circumstances...” he hushed and looked at me as if expecting me to burst into tears again, or throw my mug at him. But I knew he hadn’t meant anything by what he said. He wasn’t that kind of guy. He was the gentlest caring soul in the world. I spooned a mouth full of grits in and it burned my tongue, my second mistake was trying to cool it off by sipping the piping hot coffee. I opened my mouth and started breathing in and out trying to cool my food. There was nothing lady like about me sitting there with my see food showing. And I’d have been embarrassed if my mouth weren’t on fire. It didn’t take long for the grits to cool and I swallowed, wiping my mouth with the napkin.

“How embarrassing” I said, only to look up and find Seth grinning from ear to ear

“I dunno, I thought you pretty entertaining” he said and laughed while dodging the napkin I threw.

We both laughed and for a moment all my troubles were gone. Until the grits I had just eaten threatened to revisit. Marv was cooking bacon and the smell was nauseating me. Just what I needed, morning sickness… I jumped up and ran for the bathroom. I bumped into Vera on the way and sent the plates she as carrying crashing to the floor. But I couldn’t stop to help her; I had to get to the bathroom and quick. I made it just in time and the breakfast I had enjoyed so much left my body with violent force. When I was done I splashed water on my face and swished some around in my mouth. I hoped Alisha had remembered to pack my toothbrush. I didn’t want to come out of the bathroom and face an angry Vera and a quizzical Seth but I couldn’t stay pent up in this bathroom forever I had to get to my mom. SO I straightened the wrinkles in my clothes, washed my hands and splashed water on my face one more time and then dried myself and pushed the bathroom door open.



“Are you ok sweetie” Vera chirped and I was relieved to see she wasn’t angry.

“Yes fine thanks, just nerves” I said

“You did flush didn’t you dear”

“What? Oh yes... Yes ma’am” I replied kind of shocked at her question.

“Good then I hope you feel better then. Now. Ok.. Bye bye”

I took the queue to leave and grabbed my jacket from the booth and headed for the door. Once safely in the car I watched Seth paying at the counter and had to admit his back side was as yummy as his front. How could that Adonis not know how gorgeous he was? I envisioned him on the cover of a steamy romance novel, and of course I would be the tawdry vixen clinging to him, with a white linen dress flowing dramatically. He was that perfect. Fabio was a joke; this was the man I wanted to see when I picked up a romance novel. My fantasy was interrupted when Seth opened the drivers.

“Are you going to be ok?” He asked I could hear the genuine concern in his voice.

“Yeah, just nerves I guess” How could I tell him the truth? Maybe I wouldn’t have to.  Abortion was still an option, and then no one had to know anything. But I would know. I would have to live the rest of my life knowing I had killed my child. I mean it was half mine. Hell, at this point it was all mine, and I had to figure out what to do. But now wasn’t the time. I cleared those thoughts from my head and asked Seth the question that had been playing on my mind for some time now.

“Do you think he’ll be there?” I asked and held my breath

After a long pause Seth began to speak “I can’t imagine why he would be there”

“I’ve always heard on all the crime shows that a criminal likes to go back to the scene of the crime. Maybe he’d like one last look at Ragine… and me” I said

He patted my leg and left his warm hand on my knee, not in a romantic way but more of a comforting display.

“I think that’s just on TV angel”

He was probably right. I slunk down in the seat and using his jacket as a pillow I thought I would try to get some sleep. But that was hopeless. There were too many thoughts running amuck in my mind to ever allow sleep. So for the rest of the trip I watched the world go by and wished sleep would come.

The next few days were a blur of arrangements memorials and guilt. It was decided that Bootsie, my sister’s beloved cat would come to live with me. I hated cats but it was the least I could do considering the guilt I felt for her death. The pregnancy hadn’t crossed my mind in days and I hadn’t had any more morning sickness.  Seth had been a real trooper through it all, lending a shoulder, or an ear, when I needed, and the sexual tension between us was on the verge of peaking. I was beginning to think he felt it too.  Alisha came in the next morning with my things, and some things for Seth too, and my mother agreed we could all stay with her. It was only the second time I had visited her since she moved here 4 years ago. Now that I was her only daughter I would have to make more time for mom. Since dad had passed in April mom had depended on Ragine to always be there. I never really appreciated all that Ragine did for mom, but now I saw my sister in a whole new light.

On our first night there Alisha and I curled up by the fire and watched a reality show marathon. It wasn’t the greatest show if you asked me, but Alisha loved it and I couldn’t concentrate on TV anyway. Seth had gone to pick up my uncle from the airport and my mother was in her room going through old scrapbooks. I had tried to comfort her. But mom was more the type who just wanted to be left alone while she grieved. So I left her alone. Alisha and I whispered about the pregnancy and telling Seth, and whether or not I would keep it. Then she said the smartest thing I had ever heard her say. Not that Alisha wasn’t smart, she was, but she always played the blond bimbo, never letting on to how intelligent she really was.

“You know Mags this baby has the guys DNA”

“I know that’s why I want it out of me. I can’t bear the thought of his DNA growing inside of me” I choked back the same tears I’d been fighting all day.

“Mags this baby is the key to catching this guy” she said as if almost afraid of my reaction.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to.  Suddenly this baby that I had wanted to get rid of seemed like a miracle. But once it was born would I be able to love it the way a mother should.

“I’m going to bed” I said and with that I rushed up the stairs before she had the chance to say anymore. I had a lot to process.

I was plagued with guilt that I could have been so self-absorbed and depressed over a rape I couldn’t even remember and now here my sister was dead. She was dead and it was my fault because the information I could have, and should have provided may have saved her life. The other two assaults hadn’t produced any DNA and my sister had been killed, but had not been raped. With no evidence and no witnesses there were no leads to go on. I rubbed my belly and thought about the new possibility Alisha had brought up. But being an unwed mother would be a struggle in itself, not to mention would ruin any chances with Seth that I had. Not that I had any chances.

“What do we do little one” I asked my belly