The Way It Started

         I never thought I would be this person. I hated those people. I could never understand how one could betray something as sacred as marriage. Not until I'd done it myself. But then again I wasn't really myself at the time either. I wasn't really anyone.
         A little more than six years before, I was finally starting to learn what it meant to be happy. I was discovering myself for the very first time. I was young and impetuous and beautiful and more than anything I wanted to be known. I sought to be completely understood and taken the way I was. For the first time in my life of violent self hatred, I had begun to believe in my own worth and it was exhilarating.
         After my second semester of college, I told my then boyfriend that I wasn't interested in defining or labeling our relationship. And he broke up with me. So, I decided to fly more than halfway across the country to stay with a friend I had known since I was a small child. She was more liberated than I and so it began that I too opened myself up to a world of slightly self-destructive behavior. I started slowly, not wanting to so quickly lose the self I had found. Cigarettes, alcohol and marijuana were all such new and interesting things to me that I had no reason to delve deeper into the world my friend was so familiar with. However, her easy way with sex was so intriguing to me that I sought to further explore my own physical desires. I had grown up in such an isolated environment. Sexuality was a topic so rarely broached let alone discussed that I just assumed most girls my age were as pure as I was. And while the thought had crossed my mind occasionally, I never really believed I could have feelings for someone of the same sex. But the college years have a way of surprising us, and surprise me they did.
         My friend insisted that we go to a party her best friend was having for her birthday. I was internally hesitant to meet these new, foot-loose people; but I was on a path of self discovery, right? This would be a small, but for me, important step towards more fully knowing myself and understanding life. So we went, and on the way I decided for the sake of self-exploration I would flirt brazenly with the first person there I found attractive.
         Ginni was tall and beautifully thin. Perfectly shaped with wide hips,small breasts and slight shoulders that her blond hair just sort of danced on. Her smile was hardly confined to her full lips and immaculate teeth. It frisked in her stunning blue eyes and sparked through her every movement. I was absolutely smitten. And I was absolutely mortified. My mind raced furiously to explain why, out of the entire group at this party, I had been enchanted by another girl. Sure, she was gorgeous! But I was not willing to feel this way. I searched the room in a panic and my eyes rested on a short, but devilishly good looking man who looked to be at least two or three years older than I was. He laughed easy and seemed to radiate that laughter to everyone around him. And so, with a new sense of purpose I set off to charm the man who would someday become my husband.
         It began well enough, Jesse was as attractive and funny as I had expected. He was only a slight bit taller than I was, but that hardly deterred me despite the fact that I was usually much more interested in taller men. He wasn't a woman and that was all I needed at the moment. I was entirely unwilling to deal with the intensity of my feelings at the time and so I threw my infatuation onto him. Still, I had the nagging voice in the back of my head that insisted I was not attracted to him. And directly next to that voice was another that insisted that I desperately wanted to kiss and touch and explore Ginni. But anytime I entertained that thought for even a moment I was immediately overcome by shame and I'm sure my face flushed an angry red. So instead I kissed and touched and explored Jesse.
         It should be mentioned, that before my encounter with Ginni I had hardly had any physical relationships. The only person I had ever kissed was my prior boyfriend, and only after several weeks of dating. Furthermore, I had been appalled when he tried to touch my breast. So the fact that I straddled Jesse in the back of his '85 BMW, with my tongue exploring his mouth and his hands rubbing anxiously at the very excited spot between my legs was unconscionable in my mind. But every time I caught a glimpse of Ginni, who was topless in the front seat with Jesse's best friend mirroring our behavior, I felt more of a rush in my body that permeated my panties even further. So with reckless abandon I masked my hunger for her with ferocious devouring of him.
...TO BE CONTINUED...