C o m i n g . H o m e

Insomnia. What a curse. It just seems to come easier as the nights go on. Especially on a night like this one. Just like any other night, my mind is racing so fast that I cannot even close my eyes.

I rolled over and stared at the ceiling. The lights from the building next door burned through the blinds and reflected onto the walls. For a brief moment I considered counting the blinds but then realized it reminded me of her. "Fuck her." It was going to be such a long night, and it was just the beginning.

I reached over and drowned the rest of my beer in the pitch darkness. How many was that now? I'd lost count after six. I thought about it for a second but could not count how many I had downed tonight. Did not matter. It had gotten me to the point that I had wanted, yet still had failed to accomplish my only goal. My body was nearly numb, my head was spinning and I could feel every ounce of my body yearning for sleep, yet my eyes were wide awake and my mind was running... just like any other night.

"I should have said something sooner, but I didn't. I toughed it out and tried to make it work. I wasn't happy, and I wanted to live my twenties."

UGH. The fucking texts kept running through my mind. It was helpful to hear the real reasoning as to why she broke up with me. And it was very helpful to hear that she had no interest in getting back together with me. But it hurt nonetheless, and it continued to run through my mind over and over. I was thankful to finally text her and talk civil, and I knew that it was going to be painful... but in the end, I knew that the benefit of getting some kind of closer would greatly benefit me.

"She obviously isn't going through the same pain as you are. So be mad, be sad, and then get over it. Because she doesn't deserve the satisfaction of holding your heart. Because anyone that was worth it, wouldn't be doing this to you."

The words were sent to me hours ago but yet still, they rang perfectly in my ears. It was absolutely true. She didn't deserve my heart. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and it's easy to say now that she never deserved my heart. My full concentration was now on how to get my life back and get it back together. I rolled onto my side and stared at the lamp next to me. At least it wasn't the ceiling. "Fuck her. Stop thinking about her... Stop thinking about her."

The air conditioner turned on and the vent outside kicked in. Somehow when they built these apartments, they forgot completely to sound proof the bedroom from the outside at all. There have been mornings that I have awoken and been able to hear full conversations between people as though if my window was open and they were standing outside it. When the AC came on I tried putting myself asleep by boring myself. I thought of every in and out of how an AC could work, of course just guessing since I know nothing about it at all. This did not work after spending a couple of minutes trying to do so, and I opened my eyes again to stare at the lamp in front of me.

"Fuck this shit. I'm obviously not going to sleep anytime soon." I rolled the covers back and sat up straight with my legs kicked off to the side. Her full text ran through my head and then my text. "Seriously Tyler, stop thinking of her." I jumped up and walked into the living room. Might as well do something productive with my time if I'm not going to sleep.

I had to do something in order to get her off my mind. I decided that another beer and letting the dogs back out of their cage was the first step. I opened the door to the laundry room and they came storming out. "Obviously I'm not the only one with insomnia..." I smiled as they hopped around with excitement as they always do when let out of their cage. My thought process immediately went back to order. A cigarette was next.

I looked down at the dogs and asked them if they wanted to go outside. 'Outside', was the magic word. They skipped downstairs and waited impatiently as I followed them. I've learned my lesson from letting them outside at the same time, so I let them out as I normally do now; one at a time. I always let Bella out first because she knows how to do her business and get back inside. Bowdie, my beagle, takes a bit more patience. Waiting as patiently as I could, I watched my miniture beagle sniff anything and everything around him. The cigarette resting between my lips had nearly made it to the filter. Suddenly my beagle stopped and his hair stood up on his back as his attention caught something in the street. I wasn't paying much attention to him, but seeing his reaction, he caught my attention and it was drawn to the same thing that now curled a low growl from the pit of his stomach.

In the middle of my apartment complex parking lot was two men walking towards me with eyes locked on mine. Bowdie barked and I immediately pulled on his chain and yelled at him to stop. Bowdie always barked at everything and so I was not easily alarmed. Besides, I was always one to trust before assuming and I would now as well, even though it was five in the morning and they were walking very alarmingly in my direction. It could be anything, from a neighbor wanting to talk, to someone that has a problem with their car.

"What's up guys?" I had taken a step back towards my apartment without letting my eyes off of them. A shiver ran through the course of my veins and I felt it end in my shoulders. My body felt tense and I instantly felt like it was more than a hundred degrees outside. They must have heard the alarm in my voice and seen the step back I had taken because their pace had slowed and they whispered something as they split the car in front of me and kept approaching.

"You got a cigarette man, we're all out." The one on the left had slowed his pace and was scanning the parking lot as the one on the right approached me. His voice was deep and to the point, his right arm now placed firmly behind him as if he was holding his lower back. They were not looking for cigarettes and I knew it by now, but it was far too late for me to make any decision of getting inside quickly. My dog was going nuts, growling and letting out a random bark as I pulled on his chain and took another step back. My dog was a foot in front of me and the man on the right was just another foot in front of my dog. I was fucked. I remember thinking earlier how this night could not have got any worse. How wrong I was.

"Yeah man, I got a couple upstairs. You want to wait here, I'll be right back." The sentence came out as a statement, not a question. I wanted them to wait, and I was giving it my best to sound confident one last time before this turned into a disaster. In the back of my mind I was trying to reassure myself that they only wanted a cigarette. In realization, I knew I was fucked. My stomach was turning and I felt tears approaching. "Hold it in Tyler, hold it in..." I thought to myself. My left arm reached for the door as if I wasn't waiting for an answer. Yet my eyes never left him.

"I think we'll follow you up." The man took a step towards me as his right arm came out from behind him. I knew what was going on before he even took the step, so it was no surprise when he pulled out a gun and took another step towards me. This was going to end badly, and once the door was closed behind me, there was no stopping whatever the fuck they wanted to do.

"Of course." My voice shook and the words barely came out. I had no choice. Possibly, the chance of me agreeing with them would allow me to get through this night alive. I left the door open and yelled at my dog. After releasing the leash I yelled at him again and took a swing at him. "Go get in your house now!" He got the point and with his tail between his legs he ran for the laundry room. The other dog had been waiting at the middle of the stairs and got the point as well. The two men followed me in and as I walked up the stairs to go close the door to the laundry room I heard one of them lock the door. The pit of my stomach turned and I nearly threw up as I took the steps one by one. I suppressed the gag and again reassured my dogs to go in their house.

My knees grew weak as I approached the laundry room door. It felt as though a decade was flying by as I walked through the kitchen. Time could not have stood more still in that very moment. Everything that I had wanted for and wished for came whirling through my mind. My mom and my brother standing over a casket. Her face. Oh how I loved her. The soft music of my favorite artist came blaring through my mind as I watched a familiar face drop flowers next to my grave.

It was then that a smile creased my face. The exact same smile that crossed my face as I walked in my house and saw my brother crying on the couch so many years ago. The same smile that I cannot explain yet still remains. I couldn't wait to turn around and hear the burgler behind me say the exact same thing that my mother had said nearly five years ago, "Why are you smiling!?"

Yet there was nothing said. I was wrong. As I closed the door behind the dogs and turned around, I saw the first swing coming. I was disappointed. Did he see my smile and did it bother him? However; the first punch hit me on the left cheek and quickly wiped away that smile. The second was nearly the same but hit my nose as well. I hit the door hard with my back and pulled up my arms but there was no stopping what was coming and I knew it. The blows kept coming and I felt a crush to the stomach that brought all weight off of my legs. I bowed over and knew that it was coming to an end. A kick to the chest sent a searing pain throughout my ribs and I coughed up blood immediately. My vision was blurry and the tile was the only thing I could make out.

Through the ringing of my ears I heard his deep voice again. I couldn't make out what was said. Just a word here and there. "Grab... not now... sound... yeah..." I laid on the ground in front of my refrigerator and listened to their footsteps around my apartment. My mind raced and I allowed it. "Her. First thought. Remember she fucked you over, I told myself. Mom. Brother. A random pool." A loud crash shattered my thought process. How long had I been passed out? The right side of my face felt as though it was laying in cold water. "Why am I in a pool and laying in cold water?" When I opened my eyes and saw only red however, I remembered that it was not cold water at all. I wasn't in a pool... at all...

I tried moving my left arm and couldn't help the moan that came from the pain that shot through my arm and my chest. Something was broke. The pain nearly instantly went away. I was in shock. Good thing because I'm going to need morphine for this shit. My mind raced again... ""Is that a pond?" We were sitting in my old truck and in the middle of a taco bueno parking lot. The 'pond' that she was referring to had a lamp post sticking out the middle of it. My friend and I bursted out in laughter and assured her it was ice frozen over in the middle of the parking lot." A nudge in my chest awoke me from my dreams and I came to realization - staring at the boots of a man that I did not know that had beat me and robbed me.

His voice echoed and made no clear sense to me. Funny how she always came to mind. Funny how she was always the one I thought of as soon as I closed my eyes. Her memories, her smiles. Her laughter. Her perfection. Even those silly stories as the one where she thought ice was a pond put a smile on my face. Even in times like these. Everyone told me that time would heal the wounds, and yet as the song says, who would have known that time could be cut so short by the hands of another? "At least it's not suicide. At least your friends and family won't be disappointed that you didn't give your self a chance. God is answering my prayers finally and it's not by my hands. It's everything I could have asked for."

To me, the man with the deep voice was just doing me a favor. He was sent by God to answer my prayers. He was the solution to my questions, to my problems, and to my prayers. He did not know this for he was being used by God as an instrument, as we all are. He had no idea that he was the instrument for my prayers. I did not even know it as he had approached me in the parking lot. I did not know it until now. That's why the smile had appeared on my face right before his strike. I did not know it at the time, but I was realizing the answer to my prayers. But everyone has a purpose, so what was mine if this is the end?

"Fucker... misery... dogs... them." His deep voice was mixing the words with my day dreaming. The blow to my ears that brought the constant ringing did not help. "What was my purpose?" Was it with her? Because that was the last thing I had really touched. Surely not the random people that I had recently talked to. The people from Kansas... the girl at the bar... the servers at work?

I heard the gun cock. It was time. I remember so much. So much life flashing before my eyes of red. I opened them and saw the same black boots that I had earlier. Were they black or was that because I was seeing everything in red? Everyone told me that I had so much more to live for, so much more to see, so much more to live. Everyone told me that I would find that girl that loved me for me. Even she said it. My mind flirted with possibilities... "It's a good thing that she's not here with me or this could be worse for her..." My thoughts scrambled... "But then I would not have been opening the door at five am, if I wasn't suffering from insomnia from the pain of losing her, had she been here..."

"Stop thinking of her... Tyler. Stop thinking of her..." A crack, deeper than thunder, rang so loud throughout the apartment that it instantly shattered my thought process. My body shook, as if I was just kicked with full force in the chest. "Was I just shot? Everyone said it was so painful, yet..." The pain in the left side of my chest instantly shot to a twenty on a scale of ten. There it is. I was in shock but not anymore. Or if I was in shock it still wasn't enough to stop the pain from my chest.

My dogs whimpered, bringing me back to reality. Back to home. For the first time since I had answered their question outside of my apartment, I was able to speak something.

"Please... don't shoot..." I took in a heavy sigh and gurgled on what I imagined to be my own blood, "the dogs. They're... her... dogs."

I closed my eyes and I saw him. Dad. He was standing with his arms out wide. He was surrounded in people dressed just the same as normal people of today. I looked down at his chest and he opened up his button up shirt to show a full chest with no scar... no hole. All fears dropped and a burden that I had been carrying for nearly five years was suddenly lifted off my shoulders. "You're... in heaven. No scars... that means you're in heaven." I stared at him and he didn't say a word. I let out a laughter of a child and smiled, "I'm coming home Dad."

The second shot rang and then there was silence. Nothing but silence. "I'm on my way Father."