Rage

Before you begin I must say that this was written in April. It is a journal entry I wrote about being clueless as to why a guy I have liked so much (and still can't pin point why) never really gave me a full chance to get to know him.


Rage continues to build up inside me as I ask my self “why” over and over again. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that yet again, another guy has screwed me over. Again. I am beginning to think that I am not meant to be with someone. Ever. Why can’t things just go the way I want them to for once? Why can’t I be the one that has a nice guy to spend time with and keep company with. Just to hang out, laugh, talk, joke, and watch T.V. with? It seems like everyone EXCEPT me has that. And I am sick and tired of being in the background, watching everyone experience love and everything that goes along with it.

I’m not saying that I want to be in a relationship right now, it would just be nice to have someone who I like and who likes me back. Just me. And is happy with just me. Not wondering what they are missing out on by not being with anybody else.

They say you will meet someone when you stop looking. Well I finally stopped trying to find a guy, started living my life day by day, accepted the fact that I was the only single one out of all of my friends, both home and at school, and then he appeared, standing in my driveway. I was heading to the gym and I hear someone call me from across the street. I turn around and my neighbor, who I had just met a few weeks earlier is talking to me. And I start to really notice how cute he is. And so nice! After that conversation I find myself thinking about him and wanting to see him again. I want him to see me outside and strike up another conversation. He got me hooked.

But when we finally started hanging out things seemed to be going great. I thought, finally, this kid is really chill, down to earth, and friendly. We hung out a good number of times. He taught me a few things. How to smoke a bong, how to give an amazing back massage, and how good it feels to be lightly scratched with freshly cut nails. Hanging out with him felt great, things were going great, until that one night which turned out being the last night that we hung out.

And I still don’t know why he blows me off, but he does. And it eats me up inside. I FINALLY got over the last guy who broke my heart, and the fact that he has a new girlfriend ALREADY. I finally recovered. And then my neighbor came along and distracted me. I found myself peeking out my window seeing if his car was home. I kept hoping my phone would buzz later that night and it would be him, wanting to know what I was up to. We were only a matter of a few feet away from each other.

I don’t know what it was. Maybe I freaked him out. Maybe he thought I wanted a relationship. Or maybe he just wasn’t ready to get close with a girl. But he started fading away, just like the rest of them did. Really? Already? It hadn’t even been a month and this guy was quitting on me.

He’s the one who first initiated that we hang out. He’s the one who would text me often to see if I wanted to hang out. He was the one. And for some unknown reason, he would continue to text me at night, and when I would respond, he never answered back, and always came up with a stupid ass excuse, like he fell asleep, or just didn’t even answer til the next day. I just don’t understand. And when I text him now, he doesn’t answer, and if he does he’s always too tired. And maybe it’s true, but if someone, especially someone who you’ve shown interest in, lives just across the street from you, less than 20 footsteps away, what in the name of hell is stopping you?

Is it karma? Am I being punished for the guys who I have no feelings for yet have feelings for me (and I don’t give them signs that I like them so it’s not like I’m leading them on) and is that why I am being treated like a piece of shit for guys I show interest in?

It really makes me question myself. Like what is wrong with me? What do I keep doing that makes guys disappear on me? I don’t understand. It’s not fair. I can’t stress that enough. It’s once again, making me a jealous, bitter, miserable person. I am SO fucking pissed off and frustrated. I was finally happy. I didn’t even want to come home for Easter. But of course, whenever I tell someone that I’ve met a guy, I jinx it and it starts to fizzle out. So I guess it is my fault. But I will never know. Because the guy never has the balls to answer me and tell the fucking truth.