To Say Goodbye

“To Tina,” Greg said, holding up his glass.  “the best marketer ever.  Don’t know what we’ll  do now.”  Tina’s soon-to-be former co-workers agreed then called for a speech.  Tina stalled, sipping her tea and wondering what to say.  She almost choked on the tea when she saw the sadistic smile in Susan’s eyes.

“Okay,” started Tina.  “It’s gonna be hard to leave,” she said, glancing at everyone, starting and ending with Susan.  “I’m excited, but I feel like I’m abandoning you.”  Speaking over protests, she continued, “That’s just my mothering complex.”  She went around the table mentioning something she would miss about everyone.  The last, the hardest, was Susan.  Tina breathed deeply.  “Don’t know what I would have done without you to keep me sane.”  They both smiled, remembering their secret out-of-office escapades.  “Thanks everyone!”

Tina heard Diana say to Susan.  “So, no more carpool lane, huh?”

The look crossed Susan’s face so quickly that no one except Tina noticed it.  “Obviously,” she replied flatly. Only Tina noticed Susan’s quiet after that.

After lunch everyone trudged back to their cars.  “That was so much fun!” Susan exclaimed as she gunned the engine.  She chattered brightly through Zepplin as she played NASCAR driver back to the office.

******

“Ugh, what a day!” sighed Susan as she and Tina got in the car at the end of the day.  “Glad Jennifer’s back next week.”

“I’ll bet!” agreed Tina fastening her seat belt and watching Susan hook her phone to the radio.  She heard the opening strains of Iglesias’s “Tonight”.  Quick ride tonight, she thought.  Aloud she said, “I’m sure doing your job and taking all the support calls can’t be easy.”

“Nope,” said Susan as she whipped the car out of the parking space and left the office parking lot without stopping.  “Wouldn’t be so bad but I know nothing about the old ARS 5.3 program.”  She swerved with barely a glance to avoid a slow Taurus.  “We really should phase out support for it, but there’s still a lot of people using it so Greg won’t yet.”

“I try to talk them into upgrading but a lot of them need functionality that isn’t in 7.0,”

“Yeah, I know.  We’re working on it. Oooh, hold on.  I love this part,” said Susan as she cranked the volume.  The light in front of her turned yellow and Tina grabbed the strap as Susan careened through the turn.  She floored the accelerator, ignoring the 35MPH limit.

Tina glanced over to see something undefinable mixed with the concentration in Susan’s eyes.  She shifted her gaze out the window.  As they merged into highway traffic, Susan migrated from the entrance ramp to the left lane in one uncharacteristically fluid motion.  As she pushed the little Versa to 80 MPH, Tina checked Facebook.

The song ended and Susan turned down the radio, grabbed a pack of cigarettes and asked Tina if she wanted one.  Tina declined and asked “What’s the rush?”

“Oh,” said Susan nonchalantly.  “Friday night.  You know I like to see Steve for a few minutes before he leaves for work.”

“Yeah, but you don’t usually drive like this.”

“Well, this afternoon I figured that I could probably shave another few minutes if I really focused.”

“Uh huh,” said Tina disbelievingly, turning to stare at Susan.

Susan glanced over at Tina when she felt the stare but then turned her attention back to the road just in time to swerve into the right lane to avoid the slow Tundra.  “Get outta the fast lane!” she hollered.  She glanced at Tina again and said “Uh huh,” decisively before turning up the radio.  They might have been riding single as much as they talked the rest of the way home.  The music blared and Tina searched fruitlessly for the words to get Susan to talk.  When they got off the highway, Susan turned down the radio.  Turning to Tina, she asked “Still shopping tomorrow afternoon right?”

“Well….. “.

“I know, I know.  You have a ton to do before Sunday.  But you can spare a few hours to go shopping one last time.”  Susan was surprised at her calm voice.  “We’ll stop by Charlotte Russe,” she tempted.

Tina managed to get “Yeah, that’s just what I need,” through her laughter.

“Not to buy!  Neither one of us can afford that.  We can try on shoes and maybe get another video,” replied Susan, remembering the first time she put on six inch stilettos and Tina filmed her trying to walk in them. 

“Yeah, okay,” Tina acquiesced as they pulled up to her apartment.  “What time?”

“How about 3:00?

“Sounds good,” replied Tina as she stepped out of the car.  She opened the back door to get the box from the office.  Glancing over Susan’s shoulder, she noticed her white knuckles on the steering wheel.  We’ll talk at the mall, she decided.  “See you then,” she said, shutting the door.

Another last time, Susan thought as she whipped the car around and watched Tina walk up the steps.  She swore quietly and fought to keep the emotion from her eyes in case Tina saw her.  It wasn’t likely, she knew, but she decided weeks ago not to let Tina know how her leaving affected Susan.  When she saw Tina’s head appear in the upper breezeway, she sped away, the Versa’s suspension groaning as she bounced over speed bumps.

On the way home, Susan she gave herself the same pep talk she’d heard so often recently.  “You’ve just got to be strong,” she reminded herself.  “This is an excellent opportunity for her and you know it.”  The tears she’d fought all day broke through.  Being alone, she gave in to them, slowing the vehicle until her speed matched her hazy vision.  “What am I going to do without her?  She understands me better than anyone since Lauren,” she sobbed, furiously wiping her eyes, uncharacteristically not caring about her makeup.  She and Lauren had exchanged a few emails when Lauren moved ten years ago.  But after time the letters slowed then stopped altogether.  No matter what anyone said, Susan knew it would be the same when Tina left.

Susan whipped the car into the driveway and killed the engine with a furious twist of the key.  She sat statue still for a long moment before grabbing a napkin and dabbing the still wet mascara under her eyes.  She grabbed her stuff and walked in the house to find Steve focused on his usual pre-work routine.  She pasted on the same smile she had worn all afternoon and saw him off to work.

“Now to start,” she said as he drove off.  She silently thanked Linda for letting her boys stay over with Linda’s son Kevin.  Tonight was going to be difficult enough without her teens underfoot.  She printed the recipes and taped them to the cabinets.  The pigs in a blanket would be easy and something even the finicky kids would eat.  I’ll have to save some back for Tina, she thought.  She decided to do them last.  She reviewed the recipe for the sausage loaf.  Taking a deep breath she started gathering ingredients.

She was browning sausage when she noticed the silence. She moved her laptop to the dining room table and queued her dance music playlist.  She put the loaf in the oven and was mixing ingredients for the corned beef puffs when she realized the music made her jumpy.  She wiped her hands and switched to her country music playlist.  She sat in the dining room for a moment listening to Trace Adkins before heading back into the kitchen.

Susan was carrying the sausage loaf to the dining room table to cool when “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye” started.  She stopped sharply, immediately lost in memories and the sharp pain that overtook her unexpectedly the past few weeks.  She was brought back to the present when the heat from the pan seeped through the oven mitts.  She dropped the hot pan on one of the trivets she put on the table earlier just as Loveless’ voice reminded her “Life’s about changing, nothing ever stays the same.”  She cursed softly and set the song to repeat.

She started mixing the ingredients for the cheddar bacon spread and the first time her tears fell in the bowl she cursed again.  By the fifth or sixth time she had accepted the inevitability.  Cooking with love, she thought.  By the time the spread was in the oven the song had played ten or twelve times.  Susan decided to take a break and call her mom.  That was a mistake.  Susan knew Mom talking about a friend of hers that had moved away when her husband got a job in California was meant to empathize with her situation.  But it reminded Susan how she and Tina would gradually lose touch.  She snapped a goodbye to her mom and went back to cooking and crying.  She was just pulling the pigs in blankets from the oven when Steve walked in at midnight.

“Where are the boys?” he asked.

“Linda’s,” she snapped.

Steve noticed the music as Susan walked back into the kitchen to finish the dishes.  “It’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to cry,” Loveless sang again.  He walked into the kitchen, took Susan by the shoulders and slowly turned her around.  She broke down and clung to him.  “I don’t know if I can do this,” she sobbed.

“It’ll be okay, baby.  You can,” he said as he led her to the bedroom.  “You’re just overtired now.  And no wonder with all that cooking.”  He helped her into her nightclothes.  “We’re gonna eat good tomorrow, but you know you could have just done Stuff on a Ritz.”  He was rewarded with a grin.

“Oh, I should have made that,” Susan said as he pulled the covers over them both and wrapped his arms around her.  “You know, the girls and I laughed over what a guy you were for suggesting it that first party.  Tina was the worst.  Oh Steve, how am I gonna do this?”

“With me,” he said, stroking her hair and back in comfort.  “We’ll get through it.”

“I know,” she sobbed sleepily.  “I just don’t know how.”  Within moments sleep brought her release.  Steve stayed there stroking her hair for a long time making sure she was good and asleep.

******

Susan was a demon taskmaster the next morning.  The boys got put to work when they walked in the door.  Both boys got their backs up as Susan became more snappish.  Steve took them aside several times to remind them she needed their support.  At 1:30, when Susan took a shower, her menfolk breathed soul-deep sighs of relief.

The gang started arriving at 2:15.  The kids ran out to play while the men grabbed beers and started the coals.  “How ya holding up?” Katherine asked Susan as she put potato salad in the fridge.

“I’m hanging in there,” replied Susan, reorganizing the appetizers for the tenth time.  It just hits me unexpectedly.”

“You’re trying so hard to hide it,” opined Linda.  “Maybe you should just tell her how you feel.”

“You sound like my mother,” said Susan, rearranging the pigs in blankets.

“And that’s a bad thing?” asked Linda.

“Oh shut up,” said Susan, smiling and reshuffling the bruschetta around the cheddar spread.  “Hey, look around and see if I forgot anything, please.  She’ll be here any minute.”  Distracted by checking the room, she didn’t notice Katherine and Linda’s concerned glance at each other.

Alerted by the tail-wagging dogs, Susan opened the door to find Tina standing in the driveway surrounded by kids.  After  a moment, Katherine and Linda pushed gently past Susan to go say hello.  “What you two doing here?” Tina asked.

“What, you really thought you were going shopping?” laughed Linda.

“I don’t know what gave me that idea,” smiled Tina, looking at Susan still in the doorway.

“Well, come on in,” invited Susan.  “Beer or wine?”

“Wine,” said Tina as the women walked back in the house.  “What’s going on?”

“It’s a party, duh!” explained Linda.

“Here, put this on,” said Susan, handing Tina a toy tiara.

“I’m not wearing this,” objected Tina. Susan stared at her until Tina slowly put on the tiara.

“Good.  Now I won’t have to wedge your feet into the sandals instead,” said Susan over her shoulder as she walked into the kitchen to pour the wine.

“She should carry the scepter, though,” suggested Katherine, recognizing the dollar store set she bought her eight year old a few weeks ago.

“Good idea,” said Linda.  “Where is it?”

“On my bed,” Susan said as she handed Tina the wine.

They made Tina pose with the scepter.  It was the first of several pictures posted to Facebook.  Around the picture taking, the ladies talked, the kids played and the men grilled.  Once everyone was fed and the kitchen tidied, the women sat around the patio table with fresh glasses of wine.

“Sure will be different with you gone,” said Katherine.

“Yeah,” added Linda.  “Who’s gonna keep Susan on an emotional even keel?”

“What are you talking about?” questioned Susan.

“Oh, no, you’re not moody,” agreed Katherine sarcastically.  “Let’s call it sensitive.”

“I’m not moody or sensitive,” protested Susan in a rough voice.

“No, not at all,” agreed Tina.  “You don’t change moods when the wind blows.  And you don’t journal every mood swing like a teenager either,” she teased.

“Yeah, where’s your journal anyway?” asked Linda, laughing.  “Haven’t seen you without it in months.  Don’t you need to write down every emotion that flits by?”

Susan’s chair crashed to the floor as she jumped from it.  “Well, maybe I use the journal so I don’t burden my friends with all those sappy emotions.  Ever think of that?  Maybe there’s more going on than y’all ever hear about – even you!” she said, aiming the shout at Tina.

Tina rose and laid a hand on Susan’s shoulder.  “We’re teasing.  Chill.”

Susan jerked her shoulder away. “I will not chill.  I don’t this from you.  I put this party together so you’d know how happy I am for you.  I cooked until midnight to make sure you got something nicer than Stuff on a Ritz.  I hit the dollar store early this morning so you could be the queen,” she opened the door to the house before spinning around to continue.  “Maybe I shouldn’t have done any of that because it’s sappy, sentimental and stupid.  You’ll be better off in Atlanta where you don’t have to deal with my moods!” she shouted, slamming the door and running to the bedroom.

Steve opened the patio door as the bedroom door slammed.  “What happened?” he asked.

“We were teasing.  She snapped,” explained Linda.

Steve cursed as Tina said “I’ll go talk to her.”

Linda found the bedroom door locked.  “Susan, it’s Tina.”

“Go away!” Susan wailed.  “You’re going anyway so just go!”

“Susan, we need to talk.”

“Go talk to Linda or Katherine.  They’re not sappy. Y’all can have a big laugh at me.  Just laugh and eat appetizers.  Choke on them for all I care.”

“You know good and well that’s not how we meant it,” said Tina sharply.

“I don’t care what you meant!  Just go away!”

“Susan….” started Tina.  She knew how Susan felt, but she was getting angry too.  How many times had she tried to talk to Susan only to be shut down?  And now Susan was going to let it all fall out this way?  Now?  It was enough to enrage Gahndi.  “Fine,” she said.  “Whatever.  I’m gone.”

Tina found all the adults in the living room.  “She’s won’t let me in.  Look, I appreciate the party, but it’s over and I’m going home.”  She hugged everyone, gathered her purse and left, followed shortly by Linda, Katherine and their families.

Steve just finished the cleaning when Susan emerged.  She thanked him for cleaning up.  “No problem,” he said, leading her back to the bedroom.  “You feeling any better?”

“Some.  I sure screwed that up.  I don’t know why I snapped.  They were only kidding.”

“It’s okay,” he said, flipping the TV to America’s Home Videos.  “It’ll blow over.”

“Maybe.” Susan sighed.  “I’ve sent her ten texts but she won’t answer.”

“Maybe she packed her phone?” Steve offered.

“Her?  Puhleeze.”

They watched TV in silence.  Susan checked her phone every five minutes even though it was also silent.  Eventually, exhausted, she fell asleep.  Fifteen minutes later, Steve heard the phone chirp.  He thought about waking her but decided she needed sleep.

******

Susan woke slowly wondering why she felt uneasy.  Then she remembered, grabbed her phone, and saw Tina’s message.

Just need time.

Susan wept.  Her biggest fear was that she had pushed Tina away completely and her phone’s silence had convinced her.  Time.  The one thing we don’t have.  Susan rushed to the bathroom for a quick bit of mascara and blush.  Wonder if she’ll talk, she thought as she jotted a note for Steve.  Don’t blame her if she doesn’t, she reasoned as she grabbed her purse.  But I have to try.  She flew into the parking lot at Tina’s, barely slowing for the speed bumps.  Once she turned off the car, however, she couldn’t move.  She sat thinking and decided to start with a text.

Sorry.

She waited.  Maybe she’s not awake yet. It’s just now dawn.  Then she remembered Tina had been waking at 5:30 to exercise.  A few minutes convinced her Tina was still angry.  She sighed and put her hand on the key then glanced up and stopped breathing when she saw Tina in the breezeway.  The look on Tina’s face held understanding, frustration, anger, caring and compassion.  Susan slowly opened the door and stepped out.  Tina slowly walked to the car.  Step by difficult step, one conquered fear while the other conquered fury.  “I was an ass,” said Susan softly.  “I’m sorry.  It just takes over sometimes.  But I really am happy for you.  I’m just selfish too.  Forgive me?”

Tina wrapped her arms around Susan.  “Nothing to forgive.  I know you’re thinking about Lauren. But we won’t lose touch because we’re both stubborn.”

“Wish I were so confident.”

“Got something for you.  Come inside.”

“Hang on.  Gotta get my purse.”  Tina waited while Susan grabbed her bag and keys and locked the car.  “You didn’t have to –“

“Shut up,” interrupted Tina as she climbed steps.  “Thought I was gonna have to mail it.  I went out last night after --, well, after I left your place.”  She opened the apartment door and shooed her dog.  “Coffee’s made.  Grab a couple of cups?”  Tina ducked into the bedroom while Susan poured coffee.  She reached for the Splenda, then stopped, smiling, remembering the first morning they shared coffee.  “Ta da!” sang Tina as she returned holding a small scrunched plastic grocery bag.  “I didn’t have time to wrap it so this is what you get.”

Susan’s tears started when she pulled the Bluetooth from the bag, but she wiped them away furiously.  “Nope.  No sappy today.”

“Yeah, right.  You know we love all of you.  Don’t get me wrong, it can be infuriating.  But – “ she paused, searching for a mix of logic and emotion Susan couldn’t argue. “Remember you told me Steve is either arrogant or self-confident depending on your mood?”  Susan nodded.  “Same thing!”  Susan let the tears fall into her coffee.

“Now let’s get this thing set up.  We’ll call each other and it’ll be like we’re still riding together.”  After she coupled the Bluetooth with Susan’s phone, they sat drinking coffee and reminiscing.  They made tentative plans for a visit in six weeks, their first mutually free weekend.  At 9:30 they noticed the time and rushed to the U-Haul store.  When they returned the whole gang was there.  The rest of the day was a confusion of looking after small children and directing the muscles and attention of the teens.  Eventually, the truck was packed and the pizza boxes discarded.  Katherine and Linda left with their families.  Tina and Susan hugged and cried.  Finally, Tina drove the truck away and Steve wrapped his arms around Susan and felt her body shake with sobs.

******

The phone’s ringtone interrupted William Joseph’s “Apassionada” Monday morning. Pressing the button on her earpiece, Susan answered “Hello?”

“Good morning, girlfriend!” came Tina’s cheery voice.  “So, did you see the pics I posted on Facebook?”

“Yeah, the new place looks great!  I love how you arranged the furniture.  How much decorating are doing there?”

“Not much since I’m on a monthly lease.  And I may have found a house to rent!”  As she excitedly detailed the house, its fenced yard, the colors she was considering and her decorating plans, Susan smiled, lit a smoke, and enjoyed the ride into work with Tina.