Stop, Pause, Play, Repeat.

         What a way to spend my anniversary.  Away from everyone I love, waiting for Darin to come save me from this place, not able to do anything except wait.  It’s infuriating. 

         And they don’t realize that everything I did to get me here, was to protect my children from those monsters.  I had to keep my girls safe and away from them forever.  What’s wrong with that?  Surely they can see that I was defending my children when they could not defend themselves. 

         But I’ve had this argument with myself for months.  I’ve been here for months, and I don’t understand why Darin hasn’t even come to visit me once.  Maybe he’s taking care of Cheryl and Laura.  Maybe he’s trying to figure out a way to get me out and he’s just too busy.  He’s my husband, and he has never let me down, not once.  I won’t give up hope. 

         “Alright, Mathieu, let’s go.  Time for social chit-chat.” One of the security officers said as he poked his head in my nightmare of a room and left quickly to go about his other duties. 

         I slowly got off the bed and moved like a newly-awakened zombie from one of Darin’s old movies he loves so much, and towards the door.  I slipped through the sliver of space that there was and lightly walked to the other door at the end of the hallway.  The door I always go through to my other nightmare of lies by the end of the day.

         Dr. K was not just any doctor.  He wasn’t nice or gentle.  He was mean and told you lies to get you angry or whatever his motive is.  I’ve never believed him.  Ever.  I knew immediately that what he says is true, isn’t.  It couldn’t be. 

         I reached the door and opened it, being welcomed by a grey-blue and black coordinated room.  Everything matched and looked nice and said to me ‘you can be safe and secure here, spill everything to me and I’ll help you’.  But I knew the truth.           This place was evil.  The doctor was evil.  He was a man trying to turn me against my family by saying the most grotesque lies I’ve ever heard someone say. 

         He was already in the room.  He always is.  Sitting in his chair and typing madly like an insane person.  Maybe we should trade places. 

         “Hello, Megan.  Why don’t you take a seat and I’ll be right with you.”  He said, looking at me and gesturing towards the plush leather couch before returning to his computer. 

         I sat down and evaluated the room some more.  It looked the same as it did when I first came here.  Nothing out of place, everything had a certain welcoming feeling to it.  I suppose therapists have to have that kind of feeling in their rooms otherwise they wouldn’t get all the information they would need.  This therapist however, won’t get anything out of me and he won’t poison my mind like he did the others who eventually were ‘released’. 

         The sound of silence interrupted my train of thought as I heard his chair squeak and I looked at him.  He was facing me now, nothing in his hands.  His yellow lined-paper notepad still on his desk.  I guess he decided to not pester me with information today.  Smart man. 

         “So,” he began, “how are you today?” 

         “Fine.”  Came my immediate and instinctive response. 

         “Just fine? Not ‘good’ or ‘bad’?  Just fine?”

         I nodded, hoping my silence would allow me to escape from this room that I’ve grown to hate so much in the past few months. 

         He sighed and leaned a little back in his chair, it squeaked again under the strain. “You realize that unless you open up to me about that horrific ordeal you witnessed, you’ll never be able to go, right?” 

         “You’re wrong.”  I said trying to keep as much emotion out of my voice as I possibly could. 

         “Oh?  How am I wrong?” 

         “Darin will come.  He’ll get me out.  He loves me.” 

         “Megan,” he said gently, a little too gently. “You know that’s not true.” 

         I bit my tongue.  The tears springing to my eyes unexpectedly.  The nightmares came flashing back, like a memory, everything flashed through my mind, replaying itself over and over.  Why did this happen?  Everything time I say his name I cry and the dreams come back to haunt me.

         “We both know what happened.  Why don’t you tell me your story?” 

         “No.”  The word came out shaking and I felt the warm tears fall rapidly down my cheeks.  Every time.

         “Sweetie, everything will be okay.  I’ll make it go away.  I’ll make it go away…” My voice rang through my head loudly.  I tried to will it to stop but it wouldn’t. 

         “Megan, your husband is no longer alive.  You know this.  You killed him.” 

         “No!”  I yelled squeezing my eyes shut. 

         “You killed him and his brother.  Now you need to tell me why…” 

         “No.”          

         “Cheryl!  CHERYL!” 

         “Yes, you need to tell me.  We can’t fix this and get you out of here if you don’t tell me why you killed your husband and your brother-in-law.”

         “Monsters.”  I whispered. 

         “What?”

         I looked at him, my face contorted in fury.  “I didn’t kill my husband or Stefan!  I killed those monsters who hurt my baby girls!” 

         His face got sympathetic.  “Megan, I know it’s a terrible thing to witness your children being murdered.  You have to realize that you killing them-“ 

         “That’s not what happened.” I whispered.  I realize that everything he thought had happened was a fairy tale compared to the reality. 

         “Well, then why don’t you tell me your version of what happened?” 

         I closed my eyes and willed myself to let every image crash on me, like a tidal wave that has been held back by an invisible force.  And now the flood begins…

         It was a cold February night.  The snow was still visible on the ground and ice was everywhere.  I was a very light sleeper, so I never could get a full-night sleep. Not in that house anyway. 

         I had heard a banging noise coming from upstairs.  Cheryl and Laura’s room.  I panicked, like all mothers would, imagining a burglar or something to that effect. 

         I bolted out of my bed and ran to their room.  I could hear Cheryl crying, and grunting that sounded like an adult male.  I opened the door and I just stood there in shock at what was happening. 

         Laura was on the floor, naked and unconscious.  Cheryl was sandwiched in between two men, who looked like my husband and his brother, but they couldn’t be.  They were good people.  These men were monsters. 

         Cheryl’s nightgown had been tossed on the floor and she was visibly crying.  The men were on either side of her, with their pants around their ankles.  I could see blood dripping from in-between Cheryl’s legs.  I looked back at Laura and the same was true for her, too.

         “Mommy…”  I heard Cheryl whine.

         The men stopped their horrible act on my daughter and let her drop to the floor, in the same position as her older sister.

         “Megan.”  I heard one of them say.  He sounded so much like my Darin.  Be he couldn’t be. 

         “Megan, what the hell are you doing here?!” 

         I looked at him.  Not noticing I was moving forward. 

         “You bastards.”  Was all I could utter.  I could feel the adrenaline pumping as I moved quicker, watching as they stumbled backwards, and their pants around their ankles preventing any quick movements. 

         One of them stumbled.  And I immediately leapt forward and wrapped my hands around his neck, squeezing as hard as I could, watching his eyes grow wide with panic and fright. 

         I felt the other one try to stop me, prying at my hands and my body, but the adrenaline I had was stronger than his.  I was protecting my girls from any future harm.  That is much stronger than his need for a partner to do these disgusting crimes.

         I heard the one I was choking wheeze and gag and I felt powerful.  I was doing it.  His eyes rolled back in his head after a few more moments of pitiful struggling and I released him. 

         Standing up, I eyed my next soon-to-be next victim.  He backed away, apparently having pulled his pants up again and held his hands up in a surrender sign. 

         “Megan, it’s me, Darin, you wouldn’t kill me, would you?  Stefan… he threatened me.  He threatened you.  I couldn’t let him do anything to us.”

         “You’re not my husband.  You’re a monster.  Not even human.  How dare you torture little girls like this!  They’re five and eight years old!  Not even teens yet!”  I could barely speak now because the tears prevented any coherent sound.

         “Megan… please.”

         But I didn’t listen.  I charged him, knocking him off balance and enjoying the sickening thwack! his head made bouncing off the wooden floor.  I did the same thing I did to other one and within moments he also was dead. 

         I heaved myself onto my knees, breathing heavily.  Glancing at my youngest, who was still as death and crying silent tears.  I crawled over to her and held her in my arms.  Holding her tightly against my chest as her sobbing cries echoed through the room. 

         “Its okay, Cheryl, its okay.  It’ll be okay.”  I breathed in her ear, rocking back and forth, trying to sooth, but knowing that nothing will ever ‘sooth’ the terror that she has had to deal with.

         “Mommy… it hurts. Make it stop, Mommy.  Make it stop.”  She pleaded with me, her little body shaking. 

         My body now shook in sync with hers as more and more tears made their way down my face.  I knew what I had to do to save her.  But I didn’t want to do it. 

         I kissed the top of her head and stood up, carrying her with me as I made my way to my bedroom.  I set her on the bed as I ransacked all of our drawers until I finally saw what I was looking for.  I grabbed it and went back to Cheryl on the bed, blood staining the sheets where she was sitting.  I pulled her back towards and pet her hair down so the frizz lessened. 

         “Sweetie, everything will be okay.  I’ll make it go away.  I’ll make it go away…”  I muttered to her as I cocked the gun and pointed it at her temple.  I closed my eyes as I pulled the trigger and heard the loud bang ring in my ears.  I stayed there for a while.  Holding Cheryl’s dead body in my arms, even more blood now staining my sheets but I didn’t care.  She wouldn’t have to suffer those horrific memories and feelings any longer.

         But I wasn’t done yet. 

         I re-loaded the gun and walked back to the girls’ bedroom.  Those men’s bodies are still there and it takes all my willpower to not vomit on sight of them.  Laura looked like she was just waking up from whatever had caused her to fall unconscious.  As soon as she saw me and the gun in my hand her gaze immediately went to the gun in my hand.  She started bawling just like her sister and I couldn’t help myself and ran over and hugged her too. 

         “Shh.”  I tried to calm her down, but nothing was working.  I had the gun all ready, pointed at the crown of her head and sighed, “I love you.” and shot my oldest daughter.  Her body slumped away from me and I backed up, leaning against their dresser and rocked myself like I had with Cheryl must moments ago. 

         I had killed two people today.  My little girls, my suns, and shining lights.  My worlds.

I had to keep reminding myself it was for the best.  They didn’t deserve to be haunted by the memories of those awful acts for the rest of their lives. 

         I don’t know how long I was there.  Maybe a couple minutes, maybe a couple hours.  I didn’t pay attention. Time was beyond me. 

         And then I heard the banging of the door downstairs opening and boots tromping up the stairs.  My brother was a cop, and he was the one who found us.  I’ll never forget his face. 

         “You killed Cheryl and Laura?”  His face was no longer emotionless.  He was shocked.  Beyond shocked, he was appalled. 

         I shook my head.  My mind must be playing tricks on me. No one was capable of that kind of evil.  My husband was a good man.  His brother was wonderful with the girls.  And I realized just then I had started using ‘was’ to describe them.  It was true then.  They were dead.  I killed them. 

         No.

         No.

         No.

         No.

         The room began to get fuzzy and dark around the edges of my sight.  This couldn’t be true.  I wouldn’t allow it to be true. 

         

         I wake up in my room, the same room I’ve been in for months.  What a way to spend my anniversary…