A Broken Heart That's Never Been in Love

"You smell really good..."

I drive towards home, the memory of a certain boy's comment suddenly popping up out of nowhere. Then, I start to think of that night, the first time a guy had ever made me feel that special. Kind of sad when I remember that time was only seven months ago. In fact, everything of significance that's ever happened between me and a man has happened in the last eight months or so. I chuckle as I recall with a light heart how pathetic my romantic life is; it can't even really be called "romantic" since i've never had a boyfriend, or even been on a date. I keep one small part of my mind on the road as the rest of me flashes back to my high school life up to the beginning of senior year.

As a freshman at SHG I was about as pitiful as you could get. I had no friends from my old grade school, since they all moved or turned on me for no reason before graduation, and a small group from another school that I desperately hoped wouldn't drop me as well. I still had my braces, and my acne was beginning its assault on my face, so my appearances were not very good that school year. Overall, I don't remember too much, but it was neither a disaster nor a party. I took strong acne medications and picked up pointers from my older sister on looking good in school so that for my sophomore year I could really start my social life.

Unfortunately, by that time social groups were pretty set in stone so I didn't change things as much as I hoped. I picked up and lost a few friends throughout the year, but I wasn't happy with the way things were. I had tons of crushes that came and went with the school days; they were never very big crushes. But one blinding ray of light made my sophomore year great: I met Erin Schroeder at SHG's Snowball. For those who don't know what Snowball is, it's lock-in (usually at a high school) for a weekend. There's speakers, activities, and small groups; the idea is to educate kids on drug and alcohol prevention as well as developing leadership and communication skills. Everyone shares A LOT, so if you've seen the MTV show "If You Really Knew Me", you get the idea, but it's also a lot of fun stuff too. Anyway, Erin and I were in the same small group, and we really bonded in the shared thoughts and feelings. Erin was an angel that really saved me from myself; I have no doubt that if it weren't for Erin I would have severe depression and would have never made it through my rough junior year without serious scars. The rest of my sophomore year ended without much incident, albeit with the gain and loss of more friends. Friendships change a lot in high school.

Junior year was definitely the most eventful and emotional year for me in my life to date. With my braces off and a wonderful trip to Ashikaga, Japan, under my belt, I was geared up and ready to make my junior year awesome. I wanted a boyfriend, a great prom, a good tennis season, and a lot of Snowballs, since there are four or five every year. Of those goals I only achieved two of them. I went to state in tennis with my doubles partner, Sydney, and I attended all four Snowballs, staffing at one of them. When I think about it, Snowball brought about the best and worst of my year, but I don't regret it.

November marked the first Snowball and the first crush I actively pursued. I found myself more and more interested in Justin, my brother's friend. He's only a year younger so I didn't mind, but it was pretty well-known that he had a crush on another girl. I thought since he wasn't dating her I had a shot, and he was over at my house often enough for me to try. The first Snowball ended without much excitement, but I was confused. I, who have never so much as successfully flirted with a guy, had no idea how I was going to win Justin over. I'm sure I came close to getting him, but in the end my heart was broken on New Year's Eve when my brother's other friend let slip that Justin had kissed his crush at another party before the one we were both at. With a heavy head I returned home with my two friends, Tessa and Casey, only to find that Casey had invited two of her co-workers, both guys, to hang out with us in my basement!! needless to say, I flirted with them and slapped them in Justin's face when he and my brother came down to pick up some things before leaving again, I was determined to get over Justin and I succeeded by becoming interested in Chris.

Two years older than me, and with the humor and maturity I desperately wanted in a guy, Chris seemed like the perfect replacement in my heart for Justin, who I was already coming to terms with and concluding it would not have worked anyway. The only problem here was, Chris had a small issue where he had convinced himself that girls didn't like him, even though he was really hot and funny, among other things. So, even with the help of Casey and his friend, he was convinced I didn't like him, even though I tried to make it apparent. What could I do, though, when I had no experience or confidence to go on? By the time I was seventeen, I was beginning to have a complex where I thought I would never see the face of high school romance, which at times consumed me with grief. Eventually I decided it wasn't worth the trouble to convince Chris, so I gave up and threw out my feelings for him, which really weren't that strong.

It was then that SHG's Snowball came back around. Snowball is famous in our area for its dances, which allow grinding and other provocative actions as long as no one was kissing or anything past that during Snowball. At this particular dance, I started dancing with a certain boy named Brad. Brad was surprisingly nice, a good grinder, and quite cute. I had almost passed out from dehydration earlier that night, so I stopped often to keep drinking water, which he was fine with. During these breaks my naivety would come out and make me think I was starting to love Brad, and my friend wanted to help me out. But I wasn't sure yet, so I kept dancing with him, letting him send shivers up my spine with his gentleness and touches, and his innocent comments. It was him who said I smelled good, and to this day I still use the same body wash that he had liked whenever I can. Then my friend innocently asked if he wanted to go out with me, but timing was really bad. He said he wasn't dating at the time, and after a couple more dances I started to avoid him in my disappointment and hurt, thinking it was my own foolishness that caused it to happen, and I was also angry at myself for expecting anything after just a couple hours together. We repaired our distance the next day before we left, but I never saw him the same way, not even as a friend.

After that Snowball I decided I wanted to go to more dances like that and started going to a club, Club Chrome. It was even more lewd than Snowball, but I found a couple people from school who liked grinding with me and I started going semi-regularly.I think back to that time and know that the only reason I started that was because I felt under-appreciated as a woman and wanted someone to prefer me over another girl in the room, and now I only see the me back then as pitiful. I started talking to a guy in my class, Nick, who I danced with at Chrome sometimes. He was so much more experienced in relationships than I was, and while I don't think I ever came to like Nick in a romantic way, I knew I wanted someone like him who would do those things to me that I didn't know how to do or had never done. I eventually stopped going to Chrome after the crowd there made me feel threatened and kids from my school stopped going.

Then came another Snowball in March, where I was a leader instead of a participant. This one was easy since it focused more on the drug and alcohol prevention than the emotions and feelings part. But at this Snowball dance I laid eyes on Ben for the first time. It never turned into anything at that Snowball, but after that Snowball we started talking and sharing our feelings and getting closer through text and Facebook. Ben helped me find out that all that I had been doing at Chrome was demeaning myself, and from then on I didn't act so desperate or dance like that. I found myself falling in love again, but this was even stronger than any of the others, and I seemed to have an attraction to impossible situations, because Ben was forbidden from dating any girl older than him. He told me he liked me too, and we were both torn over the wall that separated us, plus I had heard rumors that he also liked another girl from my school. She was also older than him, but I still held a desperate hope that we could make it work even though I just ignored the age problem.

At the last Snowball of the year, Ben and I both went and tried to actually show our affections for each other even with the horrible aftershocks it would have since we could never call ourselves a couple. But, for that weekend, it was bliss. We laughed and tickled each other and messed around during the movie, we held hands and I cried during Cross the Line, we slow-danced during the dance, and we held each other during the Someone Special game later. But when Sunday came, and I had written a special nice note for him, I could feel that something was wrong. He ignored me when I tried to tell him goodbye, I'm sure he never got my nice note, and we didn't talk as much after that. I still held a small hope though, until the horrible day only a month later. He texted me saying people at his school called him a player, so he was going to stop liking girls for awhile. This confused and hurt me, and I lashed out at him a little bit. Then when I got home, I called Erin crying and explained everything, and she helped cheer me up a little. After a couple months of not talking to Ben I came to terms with the fact that he and I had been going to a dead end anyway and it had been good that he'd stopped it. Now we're friendly to each other, but I doubt things will ever be the same.

This past year was filled with so many almost-loves and my own inexperience and naive mind, but I'm glad it all happened. Every time I see Justin with his girlfriend (one of my friends), I wonder if that could have been mew had I waited a little longer to show him how I felt. When I see Brad I wonder how he could have made me feel like that, and when I see Ben I feel a pinprick of sadness now that I see him progressing with Abby. Some nights I give in to my anguish and just cry, for my loneliness, my inability to find a guy who likes me, and my lack of a friend who understands my feelings. I bottle them up and go through my day as if I'm not completely depressed by the fact that no guy likes me. I want to make the most of my senior year and have fun, but if someone thinks I look like I'm having fun, how can anyone know how lonely I really am? These feelings plague me almost every day, but all I can do is hope that college will be better, a fresh start. At Snowball I will laugh, grind, and cry and hopefully make it the best and most memorable Snowball ever, because Snowball makes my life and keeps me from spiraling into the depression that would consume me if not for my friends.

As I start my senior year, I am cautious to falling in love. As sad as it may be, I've pretty much given up on the concept of me finding love or a boyfriend in high school. I've resigned to waiting for college, and while I'll still cry myself to sleep at night, what else do I have to hope for? I have a heart that's been broken too many times without enough love to even the scales, and I sometimes fear that I'll never be able to fix the balance.