The nightmares of the mind.

I walked slowly behind the procession. Feeling empty, as corny as that sounds, and I’m pretty sure it’s bad, it described me well. I felt an absence of emotion, a hollowed out consciousness which had only two commands. Walk and breathe. Anything that was of a higher function was shut off for now. Anything that I should have felt had been ripped out by the tempest of sorrow that had washed through me. I was the after math of a raging hurricane that had been my sadness. And now I was in the process of cleaning up, salvaging what little I could. Putting away what was too damaged to be used again. Slowly cleaning, giving my tender mind a simple task to do. Anything more and I don’t think I would have been able to make it as far as I did.

Her picture flashed in front of my eyes.

I looked up slowly, feeling a slight bubble of something.  We were nearing her altar, her final resting place. The bubbling became stronger, and the world became suddenly skewed. I felt some droplets of water come down my face. Which was odd since I didn’t notice any rain, and why was it warm in the first place?

I blinked.

Restoring the world to its proper clarity, felt more droplets come down my face.  I reached up in a reflexive move and touched them.

Tears.

I was crying.

Fitting, at least outwardly I was showing the required response. When they saw me they would see that I too grieved. Even if inside I felt hollowed out. 

The procession stopped, and I with it, each man holding her coffin slowly moved toward the alter, bearing her weight with an almost sacred duty. I looked on as the world skewing again.  I wished that I could have bared that weight. Felt the last of her essence on my shoulders, but in my state I wouldn’t have done her justice.  I wouldn’t have held on to the sacred serenity that the men ahead of me had.  They maneuvered the coffin into its place and turned to face it, her final honor guard.  I moved to the front row, to a chair reserved for me, beside me I saw her mother and sister, dressed in black. Handkerchiefs in their hands, accompanied with red eyes, a small sniffles. 

The world skewed again.

I blinked, setting it right.

More warm beads.

Two weeks, that’s all the time I had had with her.

Two weeks.

Was that fair?

I was her oldest friend. 

I loved her.

And in the end that was all the time I had with her.

Well they did say this world wasn’t fair. After all why should I have expected anything different? 

But still I could remember the first day, oh how lovely it had been. That first message she had sent me.

“Wanna meet?” 

The flutter, the joy, and the gratefulness I had felt. At last, I thought, at last I would get my second chance.

That joy seemed so far away now, the opportunity nothing but a memory. But even in that wisp of a wisp, I was happier than I
was here. So I played the memory like a movie reel.

Days later I got the phone call, she was in town.  On break from college, and she wanted to see me.  I went, exhilaration filling my heart until it overfilled.  I willed the car to move faster, probably skipping out on a couple of road rules but at the time I didn’t care. She was at the end of my journey the end of my long walk to reach her. My chance, the one thing I wanted more than anything in this world. And I certainly was not going to be late.

I arrived, walking into the library where she had said she was. Upon not finding her I called. Her playful voice bounced around in my mind, tickling my heart slightly.

“I’m at the park.” 

“The park?”

“Ya the one near the coffee shop.” 

“I thought we were to meet at the library.”

“Ya sorry it was a nice day and  I was bored so I left. Come find me.” 

“Ok.”

Her chuckle at the end of it relit my flame to find her. 

I rushed out of the library role playing our first interaction in months.

Hi Mellissa. 

Yo Melissa.

What’s up babe?

No, none were good enough. What would I say? 

Anxiety, or the wisp of the wisp of anxiety but still better than nothing,  I walked on to find her.
I  soon passed the coffee shop she spoke of and walked into the park she was at. I looked around, and couldn’t find her; the trees were covered heavily with leaves. Small white flowery buds were blossoming, a metaphor for my renewed relationship. Oh, my heart fluttered to say that way. 

I continued on until finally, in a small enclave, hidden from the world I saw her.  Her light brown hair was shorter and bouncier than I remembered it.  But over all she was still the same, a fragile frame, slender legs and arms that spoke of a playful attitude.  She turned showing a stunning smile, large brown eyes, and a small cute petit nose.  I could have collapsed right there and died happy. But luckily for me I lived through it and she rose up from where she sat and came to me. I simply watched with a smile on my face as she came and wrapped her arms around my neck. Felt her weight in my core and shoulders as I tightened my back and lifted her up a little. Her infectious giggle filled my ears and my heart swelled.

The movie reel paused; more warm tears came down though this time from sadness as my heart swelled from the memory.  I could almost still feel her here by me rather than in the coffin in front of me.  And that was enough. I hit play.
I wrapped my arms around her back and closed my eyes to revel in the feeling. Oh how sweet it had been.

Once the embrace was over she pulled me to the small enclave holding my hand and urging me to look at what she had found. I smiled and commented on the quaintness of the area, and the light scent that laced the air like a perfume.

“It’s pretty.” 

“Ya it smells nice too.”

“I know I could be  here and watch this all day.” 

She leaned over and placed her head on my shoulder, I felt a deep warmth and I draped my arm around her shoulders and puller her in close.

“Wow you smell really good.” 

“Huh?”

I looked down at her.

She took another deep breath taking in my apparent scent smiling in a provocative way.  I mentally thanked the old spice dude.

We sat there like that, suspended in time watching the small brook that was at our feet. I felt good, somehow whole as if before this moment I had been walking around as half a person.  The really corny phrase, “you complete me” came into mind.  And here I had thought that that was only silly sentimentality used by the movie industry to emulate human emotion to sell movies. 

Boy was I wrong, ok not completely, but it had to have started somewhere.

“Wow I’m getting dizzy.”  She said suddenly.

“You ok? Something wrong?” 

“No nothing to worry about just had a migraine and I took some medicine for it, need to lie down. Mind if I lie down on your
lap?” 

She gave me a provocative smile, and my joy started bubbling again, changing slowly, and becoming sweeter. 

“Sure I don’t any problem with that.”

“Thanks.”

She slowly repositioned herself, placing her head on my lap. A lock of hair fell onto her face. She brushed it aside. It fell again and I reached over and pushed it from her face draping it over her ear.  Another corny event but I didn’t care, while in the moment these things don’t register.

She smiled and closed her eyes, her face troubled, then a flinch of pain and a hand reached up to her temple, a few deep breaths. 

“You ok.”

“Ya, ya, I’m ok just a small head ache.”

Worry? No it was stronger, Concern? Yup that sounded about right. 

“You sure? 

“It’s ok, just feeling a little bad from the medicine.” 

“You want me to take you home?”

“No I brought my Dads car, I couldn’t leave it here. And I can’t drive like this.” 

She laid there, the weight of her head on my lap my body intensely aware of her, her wonderful hair splayed across my knees.
The slight reddening  of her cheeks, the pale whiteness of the skin at the nape of her neck. I reached slowly and stroked the area, it was soft much softer than I had expected. As creepy as that sounds, it was a sweet sensual experience.

“mmmh that feels nice.” She said her eyes closed.

I came out of my stupor realizing that she was attached to that neck , my hand faltered. 

She smiled and opened here eyes sitting up and holding her face in her hands flinching a little.

“You ok?” I asked.

“Ya just world spun a little when I got up.” 

She then tried to stand and wobbled before I quickly instinctively raced up to grab her. She turned and our faces met. I had never noticed the little flecks of green in her eyes. He breath smelled vaguely of peppermint, she was light in my arms. It would have been so easy to reach over the small gap and kiss her. 

Enter captain oblivious, for the life of me I didn't think of it.

  I stabilized her. Waited until she had her balance then let go, she seemed somewhat annoyed, though at the time I wasn’t quite sure why. From there we walked out of the park, back to the parking garage where she had her car. We got into it and she sat behind the wheel for a little while. I sat quietly and watched her. She the placed the key into the ignition and slowly pulled out, I asked if she would be able to make it. She said she was feeling better now. 

We pulled out and drove to her home talking about old times. Once there we entered her home and she called out. A small chiwawa came sunning. Twitching every once in a while, making me wonder if the poor thing had been previously electrocuted. The tremors grew more violent as it came towards Mellissa all the way until it tripped and fell over. 

I winced.

It still wagged its tail and reset it’s self and continued the shaking run. 

“Yum, yums. Who is a good dog.” Melisa said petting the thing.

I looked on, shrugging, what girls had with chiwawa’s was  really beyond me. But where I saw nothing of interest but a giant rat she saw a companion. So who was I to judge. 

We spent time at her house mostly talking, her sister came home with a couple of friends. I greeted them and listened on to the latest in teen gossip.  Most of it was pointless and had the circumstances been different I would have tuned out and left but Melissa was there and her pull was too strong for me to overcome. So I stayed listening, but mostly watching Melissa as she talked conversed, laughed and held on to the dog. She seemed perfect, ya, ya, I know, I’m gushing and I hate myself for it but that’s the only way to describe those moments.

The movie reel paused. I closed my eyes experiencing a pain that was laced with a strange sweetness. I scrunched my eyes as my sadness began to awaken.  No I had to continue, I had to remember.  I pressed play.

I of course left after a while went back to my car after bidding her a good bye and drove home.

The next memory was of a sweeter nature. I was in her apartment looking around. Having just arrived I went to sit down on the couch. She had run into her bed room to grab something. She came back holding a small old sheet of paper.
I wondered what it was, she handed it to me asking me if I remembered it. I took it and opened it, spotting a familiar hastily written hand writing that was my own. It read:

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
You are the prettiest girl in school
Will you go out with me?"

I smiled.

“This was the note I gave you all those years ago.”  I said looking back to her.

She leaned in close. 

"I know." 

My thoughts stopped in their tracks. I looked at her, noticing all her details, the line of her jaw, the muscles that contorted beneath the skin of her neck. Her dilated pupils in  brown eyes with green flecks all in harmony as she reached over and place her lips on mine. All at once, I felt something change, something  began to  thaw, something opened. And warmth I had forgotten filled me. 

Cue romantic orchestra.

It felt like a blissful eternity before we parted. My pulse raced, I was hyper aware of everything, I felt great. Like singing songs from the tops of mountains, going out to slay beasts in her name, I felt…. I don’t know different. As if there mere contact of our lips had rewritten my person.

I looked back at her.

She smiled seductively.

And I was powerless, putty really in her hands. We kissed again this time though with a earnestness making up for lost time.

More shards of pain, more anguish, laced with an almost sick sweetness, tears in earnest flowing down my face, my sadness was awake now. Roaring ripping me apart from the inside, I questioned my sanity for doing this again, but through the tempest I looked at the movie reel that continued to play watched as it skipped to the final memory. 

I was back in her apartment, though this time her friends were there. I had just met them and we were talking. They invited us to accompany them to the park. I was about to accept when Melissa said she planned on staying in. I of course couldn’t leave her alone. After all what type of man would have been not to keep her company. I opted to stay as well.
They left, the door closed, they went down the stairs.  I heard the door leading outside open then close again. I looked back at her, and this time I was the one to smile.

“So we are alone at last. What say you to this my maiden?”

She shook her head in exasperation. 

“You coming or not?”

She then proceeded to her bedroom. 

I being the gentle men, of course followed.

It all began with a kiss tentative, exploratory, testing the grounds  and  from their emotions ran high. The really explosive of Beethoven's symphonies, can’t quite remember the number but that sums it up pretty well. Passions were unleashed, a cacophony of different sensations rushed through me into her and from her into me. And we communicated more to each other than we ever cold have through words. Time held no meaning, and for the moment  I knew a bliss that few experienced.  A bliss that I had not know that I had needed. I smiled happy because in this little world I had everything I ever wanted.

The movie reel began to shake violently as the plane of my consciousness rocked and boiled. My sorrow dived deep into me, setting off volcanoes exploding. Within me Armageddon had begun. 

I held my chest as sharp pains prickled me there  I felt drained. Weak with  part of me wondering why I had ventured to those grounds. Another part of me was happy holding on to the remnants of that bliss. Constructing the world I had had with her.  It fell away when it reached her end, a black abyss, cracking breaking falling in, and with it her essence.  I slumped weakness spreading. I returned to the real world. Looking up from hurting eyes, I saw the priest finish talking. He looked to me for a second. 

Compassion? Maybe.

Pity. Definitely.

I stood shakily walking to the altar. Standing behind the podium, looking out to the sorrowful faces, I forced order to my internal world. The movie reel continued. 

I remembered the week end it happened.

The phone call.

An accident had occurred, she was in it drunk driver. 

Gone to the hospital intensive care.

The pleading with God to let her be OK don’t let her die.

The longest drive of my life, speeding nearly smashing into multiple cars.

Entering the hospital going to the waiting room, finding the doctor her mother, crying. Father holding her mother, sister on her knees.

I put one and one together.

I couldn’t stand anymore. I fell. On the stage I fell too, back, everything in slow motion. Like I was underwater. I saw the dreary sky, the top of the tent that shielded her coffin. I fell darkness came for me, and I welcomed it. I fell all the way to the ground. I could hear people exclaiming. Some shouting, I felt someone run up near me.

A shard of pain in my chest, a knife poking me. Not a real one mind you, but it certainly felt that way.

I couldn't move, I was floating above my body watching what happened to it as if it were someone else.

He was lifted, shaken asked if he was ok.

no response. The man next to him, not sure of his name, an Uncle maybe, yelled for someone to call an ambulance, cell phones were pulled out and calls made.

Moments later the blaring call of the ambulance came  and two men who I assumed were paramedics came and attended to me. I must have had a pulse even if I wasn't moving because they then picked me up placed me on the stretcher and ran out to the ambulance. IV's and all sort of needles were poked into my body, sterile looking machines beeped and booped and a man with quick hands worked on keeping my body running.

But we kept on like that, until we reached the hospital.

Things got really interesting then.

Multiple people ran around me, pulling the streacher into the ER. I was transfered from the streacher to the bed in one practiced move by multiple individuals. Had I been concious I would have commeded them on their efficency.
Doctors started calling out for different drugs. 

More needles. 

More beeping, chaotic really.

One of the beepers began to beep the wrong way, and the doctors became more frantic. One started pressing hard on my chest.

My heart had stopped. 

Things were not looking good for me. More doctors, more frantic gesturing, more yelling.

They pulled me into a different room, surgery perhaps. Would I die, because I found it hard to believe that I  had died of a broken heart. Metaphorically speaking, a metaphor had killed me. 

The world began to get dark, falling away in some places into a darkness. But this time I knew it intuitively that this darkness wasn't one I could return from. The world continued to fall away, some part of me wanted to run but most of me knew it would do me no good. So I waited until the floor undernieth me fell away and I tipped into the abyss. Falling towards heaven or hell....onto a.....


Carpeted floor.

Wait, that can’t be right.

I opened my eyes again, seeing the carpet. I got up slowly looking around. I was naked save my boxers. I was in my apartment.  On the couch. the blanket I had used for a mess on the floor near me.

I looked at the clock 3:00 AM.  Was I dreaming?

I took some deep breaths.  What had just happened. I was sure I was.... What dead? Nope still quite alive buddy.

SO that meant.

I took off for the bedroom opening the door and seeing a sleeping form on the bed. I slowly walked toward it thinking that if I moved too fast it would just turn out to be a pillow. I got to the edge of the bed and moved the covers.

There she was, asleep.

I nearly cried with joy. I reached over her and held her. she woke up and tried to pull away from surprise then she realized it was me.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry, whatever it was I'm sorry."

She was caught off guard.

"what happened to you?"

I kept quiet and looked into the wonderful eyes, and brought my lips to hers.

Everything else melted into oblivion from there. And we slept. 

Talk about a Freudian dream.