The Adventures of Super Dario!

The Adventures of Super Dario!

I shook awake to the sound of my alarm clock. I slammed down the sleep button and glanced at the time, it was Five O’clock. I rolled my eyes and went back to sleep, I wasn’t in the mood today. Yesterday I was up all night battling Trouser to get Pear back to the castle, but I guess she’s safe now, protected by a small army of fungous headed freaks. Today I wouldn’t have to do anything; Trouser was probably still plotting for his next attempt to steal Pear, so I wouldn’t have to save anyone. I dosed off to the thought of being able to just stay home and maybe even invite Mewl Kong over, if he’s not to busy trying to make a comeback.

“Dario! Wake up! Are you still alive! You never sleep in! Like ever!” yelled some crazy person, I rolled over and looked at some mustached weirdo dressed in Purple overalls. Then I remembered the weirdo was my brother.

“Juigi, go away, its Saturday. I want to sleep.” I mumbled. Then she let out a sigh of relief, did he really think I was dead?

“Mama me-ah, thank goodness your alright, but you have to get up! Some one might be in trouble, its five am! Anything could happen this early in the morning!” I wanted to get up and slap my stupid brother, but slapping is not one of the powers I have learned yet. I trudged out of bed and into the kitchen, I grabbed a mushroom that was bright red.

“Juigi, where do you find these mushrooms?” I asked looking at the little eyes on it.

“At the store, and in the magical cube things.” He said popping one in his mouth.

“But they have eyes on them, in fact this ones looking at me right now! That’s it I’ve lost my appetite.” I said shoving it into my pocket, maybe I’ll release it into the wild or something later. Juigi rolled his eyes and sat down on the couch. I headed outside to go get the mail. I looked around at all the cheery people dancing to the mysterious music that always seems to be playing wherever I go. I’m not in the mood for this today, after I get the mail I’m going back to bed and telling Juigi that I’m doing crossword puzzles for the sake of the world. I slowly opened the mailbox to find a letter with the word Dario written in Pear’s pretty cursive writing. Maybe she’ll ask me out to dinner (and maybe we won’t dine on mushrooms with eyes), I think I deserve at least that after saving her so many times. I quickly opened the letter.

“Hello Dario, how are you? You’re probably a little sore from battling trouser for so long huh? Sorry about that, that’s my fault isn’t it?” she’s always thinking of others. “Well I seem to have gotten myself into another predicament. Well I woke up to find a big evil cow thing pulling me out of my bed and stuffing me into a bag. But before he could get me into the bag Trouser came out of no were to try to kidnap me. Then Trouser made a big fuss about him having to compete with another bad guy trying to kidnap me. I suppose the cow got annoyed with him because he knocked Trouser out with a shovel before putting him in a cage. Now I’m sitting next to Trouser in a small jail cell, luckily I had a handy notebook and amazing paper airplane skills. So could you maybe save me? It’s dark here. ~Love, Princess Pear”

How does she always get into these situations, if it’s not trouser its Mule Kong, if its not Mule Kong its some cow freak. I marched into the living room, and flung the letter at Juigi.

“I was up all night yesterday saving this brat, now it’s your turn.” I yelled. He glanced at the letter, and handed it back to me.

“It has your name on it Dario, she obviously wants you to save her.” I glared at him and started cursing under my breath. I went into my room and put on my pink shirt, blue overalls, and the pink hat with the letter D on it that matched Juigi’s hat. I popped a couple 1-up green mushrooms in my mouth ignoring their eyes and headed out the door.

I walked down the road a little ways before I came to a small intersection with a small arrow shaped sign for each path. They read Princess Pear’s castle, Trousers castle. The path that does not lead to Princess Pear, Mewl Kong’s tree house, and the path that leads to Princess Pear. This is going to be easy, I started walking down the path with the sign that said it leaded to Princess Pear. I noticed a Fungous headed freak marching out from the path with his arms crossed.

“That sign Lies!” he yelled pointing to the sign. “All that’s down there is a card board cut out of Princess Pear. And last time I checked she was not card board.” He said before running back to the castle crying. Okay this could mean one of two things, either Princess Pear is now cardboard or the signs are trying to trick me. I sat down and pondered for a few minutes, and then I started down the path that said Princess Pear was not at.

I hurried down the path, stomping happy dancing Turtle things one after the other until the unthinkable happened. I glanced ahead to see a large black thing headed toward me. It was the shape of an over sized bullet but it had evil eyes and an evil smiling mouth. It was another inanimate object with eyeballs! I ran as fast as I could but it was faster, I quickly climbed on top of some floating bricks and jumped on top of it, the grin vanished from the bullets face as it disappeared into the ground. I tried to catch my breath, but before I knew it there was a large black, ball on a chain with big sharp teeth chasing after me.

“No!” I screamed. “Stop putting eyes on inanimate objects! I can’t take it anymore!” I yelled into the sky as I ran for my life. Before I knew it I had tripped over a turtle thing, it had apparently hurt me pretty bad because I shrunk down to half my original size! “Nothing makes sense anymore! Since when did injuries result in height depletion!” I yelled to the sky again, not getting a answer. With my little stubby legs I was not running very fast, and then I remembered something Juigi had always said to me.

“Mama always said to eat your mushrooms, they’ll make you grow up big and strong.” Imaginary Juigi said in my brain. I reached into my pocket and looked down at the little mushroom. I didn’t want to eat it, it had big sad looking eyes, but Pear’s life depended on it so I popped the little mushroom into my mouth. Before I knew it I had doubled in size, and was holding a hammer. This could only mean one thing.

“DIE!” I yelled while I turned around and hit the chomping creature on a chain. He also disappeared into the ground after I hit him. I looked up and realized I was standing in front of a large cow print castle. This must be the place.

I slowly headed though the door, I looked around, the place was packed with bad guys. Turtle things, mini cows with ray guns, evil looking mushroom headed freaks, and even crowds with little yellow things in them. I thought about turning around and going home in defeat, but then pear was going to hate me. And then I noticed a strange looking question mark cube, I walked over and head butted it. Then a egg fell out of it, the egg soon hatched and a small dinosaur erupted from it. The dinosaur reminded me of the stupid town I lived in with his happy little face. He seemed like he was waiting for something, then I noticed the small saddle on his back. I slowly got on top of the saddle then he started running at full speed into the crowd. He stuck his Tungue out like a frog and gobbled up one of the turtles and pooped it out as an egg seconds later. Wow, that is some fast digestion for a dinosaur. My new Dino buddy and I ran though the crowd eating anyone who went in our way.

We descended into the basement to find Pear and Trouser arguing. Pear was wearing her usual green pear colored dress, and Trouser never wore much of anything. Trouser was almost exactly like any other turtle thing, but when he was young he fell into (or was possibly pushed) a large bucket of toxic waste. Now he is like ten times larger, breaths fire and has spikes on his shell, the classic super villain. But he also always wears some kind of pair of pants, some times jeans, some times when he wants to impress pear (like today) he’ll wear dress pants.

“Trouser I am not going out with you, I don’t care if you breathe fire! You’re still a big scary evil turtle!” she yelled at him, I laughed and accidentally exposed myself. Pear lighted up when she saw me, Trouser glared at me.

“Oh look who it is, big shoot Dario to come save Princess Pear, you know I could of saved her if you gave me a little more time.” He said scowling at me.

“Trouser I am not in the mood to hear your pathetic attempts to win over Pear, now can we just tell me where this cow thing is so I can kick his butt and go home.” I spate back at Trouser, Pear looked upset.

“Dario what’s wrong? Don’t you like going on adventures to save me?” Pear asked looking confused.

“Pear I wouldn’t mind saving you if you needed saving less, I was up all night battling this joke and now I have to do it again.” I heard Trouser laughing in the background.

“The cow’s standing right behind you lover boy, now get me out of here. You can argue with your girlfriend later.” Trouser said obviously having fun with the thought of Pear and I getting mad at each other. I spun around to see a large angry looking cow, I looked down at my Dino buddy and told him to sick him, but that didn’t seem to work because my Dino buddy ran off to go eat some apple things growing from a basement bush. Wait, apples don’t grow on bushes. Then what the heck are those!?

“Um, Mr. Cow thing, what are those things growing in your basement?” I asked the large cow. He glanced over.

“I don’t know, I think there apples.” The cow said in a deep confused voice.

“But apples grow on trees” said Trouser.

“Who cares what the dinosaurs eating! Just fight already so I can go home!” yelled Pear. I looked up at the cow.

“Why did you kidnap them anyway? I mean Trouser is like in love with her so he has a reason, Mule Kong is a oversized monkey so by nature he likes taking damsels in distress and holding them on top of skyscrapers. What’s your problem?” I asked the cow as he looked at me blankly.

“Umm, well, truthfully I’m just your biggest fan and I wanted to meet you so bad. So I thought if I kidnapped the Princess I could meet you and, and, and can I have your autograph please!!!” said the cow as he was jumping up and down with a pen and paper. I could hear Trouser’s eyes rolling at the nonsense in the background. I looked up at the cow, one of my eyes was twitching and I was smiling a twisted smile.

“So, you’re saying you got me up, out of bed, on a Saturday. So you could meet me and get my autograph.” I said as he nodded his head happily. “Sure, I’ll give you and autograph, close you eyes.” He closed them.

“Dario! No!” Pear yelled as I jumped on his head a couple thousand times until he disappeared into the ground. “Are you happy Dario, you killed him.” Pear yelled at me.

“High five bro!” yelled Trouser laughing. I pulled open what I soon realized was just a card board cutout of a cage wall and got them out.

“I don’t want to hear about it, I’m going home.” I said

“But you just-“Pear said angrily before I cut her off.

“No, no buts, just shut up.” I yelled and headed home.

***

I sat on the couch telling Juigi about my pathetic day and playing Super Mario Brothers.

“So whatever happened with Pear, was she still mad?” Juigi asked.

“I don’t know or care at this point, I said bye and left. She might of said something to Trouser about going out with him. But I don’t care, he can have her, she’s too much work.” I said while Juigi looked at me with big surprised eyes. “Now be quiet and play some Super Mario Brothers with me.” I said handing him a controller.

“Hey, have you ever wondered what our life would be like as a video game?” he asked

“No!” I said laughing. “That would be one stupid game.”