A Fun Family

Scene opens. There’s an elderly couple in the middle of a hospital room, the man Alfred is laying down on a gurney on his death bed. His wife Virginia is knitting in a chair beside him. Off scene voices are heard.

Brooklyn: John please?

John: NO! I’m not going in there! Your father scares me! (Alfred snickers)

Virginia: (whispers) That’s not something to be proud of. (Alfred drifts off to sleep)

B: Come on John, he’s dying!

J: You said that the last time he was “dying”.

B: Yes, but its for real this time! I swear.

Isabelle: I’m going to the vending machine… um… WAY over… there…

B: NO YOU’RE NOT! You are going to sit in the car and wait for us to come back!

I: (whining) But it’s hot in the car and I can’t sit in a hot car in this condition!

B: FINE! Go to the vending machine! Just come right back when you’re done! Come on John!

J: But he’s not nice to me…

B: Oh don’t be such a wuss.

J: I’m fine with being a wuss.

B: Too… (Pulls on his hand hard) Bad!

Brooklyn and John enter

B: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! (Alfred wakes with a start and cries out)

Alfred: Death! Don’t take me yet!

V: Alfred, that’s not death that’s your daughter- (Alfred interrupts)

A: (looks to ceiling) Take me now.

V: And her husband.

A: Take me sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

B: (whispers) Say something nice.

J: (awkwardly) Oh… um… You look very good for a dying old man.

(long pause)

A: You know Virginia? I want him to have it…

(B and J look at each other)

J: The money!?!

A: No. My illness. (begins to cough in J’s direction)

V: (holds back a laugh) Alfred. That’s not very nice. (looks around) Brooklyn, didn’t you have a daughter?

A: Yes. I like her. She doesn’t want me to die.

J: Oh! Yea! I’ll go get her! Like right now! (exits running)

B: (walks to A and begins to massage his shoulders) Dad? Can you ever forgive him?

A: Virginia, she’s trying to strangle me.

V: Stop being a baby. Honestly.

(I and J enter, Brooklyn tightens her grip on A’s shoulders)

A: OOHW!!!!!!!!!!!

B: Oh! Sorry Dad!

V: Brooklyn! (grabs B’s arm) Who’s that? Call security! Call the police!

B: (gently calms V) Mom. That’s Isabelle… You know? My daughter?

A: My God! She’s fat!

I:  (hurt) I’m not fat! I’m pregnant.

A: Do you know his name?

I: Yes it’s-

A: Do you know his address?

I: Yes, but he’s out of town.

A: Does he make over a thousand dollars a month?

I: Over a thousand a week.

A: Are you engaged?

I: (shows him the ring) Yeah!

A: God bless you child.

V: Amen.

B: Why weren’t you that happy when we got engaged?

V: Because it was your second marriage, dear.

A: And he’s a plumber.

J: Actually sir, I am now a very accomplished encyclopedia salesman.

A: (to V) Either way he still works with crap.

V: ALFRED! Language!

A: So… Why are you really here?

B: We wanted a few more minutes with you.

J: And your money (B covers his mouth with hand and smiles nervously) - mumble- .

I: I don’t need your money. I have my own golden card. (B gives her pointed look)

A: I’ve told you the money is going to your mother and when she dies you get the leftover stuff that she doesn’t spend or give to charity, poor children on the streets, friends, colleagues, cashiers, taxi drivers, door-to-door salesmen, bald men who have cancer, honeymoon couples-

B: You didn’t give us any money for our honeymoon…

V: That’s because you stayed at our house… in the spare bedroom… With the ricketiest bed in the house… We got complaints from the neighbors because of the noise. (long pause V suddenly explodes) YOUR BROTHER DIED IN THAT ROOM! I didn’t even have the strength to change the sheets!

J: (looks at B with surprise) What!?!

B: Don’t worry. I changed the sheets.

A: How could you taint the memory of Samantha like that? I mean Samuel!

B: DAD! I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about that!

V: (to J and I) We kept him in that room for his own good…

A: You couldn’t have slept in your own room?

J: (uncomfortable) Well Isabelle was with us and all of Brooklyn’s old toys were in her room…

I: (confused) I didn’t get any sleep that night.(long pause in which pointed looks are aimed at B and J. Understanding suddenly dawns on I’s face and she silently mouths the word Oh!)

J: (showing some backbone) What? You know you guys are really old fashioned?

A: Shut your mouth boy! How would you know about the old days? I enlisted in the Great War at age 15. At that age you were busy peeking in the girls’ locker room. I was busy fighting for my country (begins to have a coughing fit)

V: (takes over) And they shoved a rifle in your hand and sent you to the front lines. And 5 of your friends died before you made your first kill. At which point you were the only one left in your squadron and the evil, man-eating Germans captured you-

B: But you fought them off with a spork and a rusty hanger. And you received the Medal of Honor and in time you enlisted in WWII as a commander liberating-

I: He’s asleep. Maybe we should leave now and give him some peace.

B: Oh brilliant! Dad wake up! WAKE UP! He’s not waking up! He’s dead! How can he be dead?

V: (checks his pulse) He’s not dead yet.

B: Oh good!

J: (begins to check A too) Good?

V: Why should you be so relived? You’ve completely disgraced your father’s memory, after you divorced Frank-

B: Mother!

V: and married a (mouths) German

B: A what?

V: (barely audible) German

B: What?

V: (slightly louder) German

B: What?

I: (normal volume) German?

A: (wakes with start grabs J’s neck throws him down and yells) You’re a German? NAZI! MAN EATING GERMAN! BLOOD SUCKING HEEDEN!

V: ALFRED! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

A: (sarcastically) VIRGINA! Language!

B: (picks J up off the ground) Come on John! We’re leaving! Isabelle chop, chop!

I: (quietly) Na. I’m good.

J: (confused) But I thought you wanted-

B: (interrupting) I don’t care about the money anymore. You got hurt! We’re leaving! (J and B exit and I stands followed by a short pause) ISABELLE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I: (pats her stomach) It’s okay. You’ll never meet these people.

End Scene