I Love You, Don't Forget It

         I could feel the tears on my face and blood drip down my arm as my razor blade fell to my feet.  I collapsed to my knees and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

            I heard the door open and saw the light go on.  “Jake?  What are you doing?!” I heard Ana’s voice.

            I looked up at her as she knelt down beside me, throwing my blade across the room.  She put her hands on my face and I saw the tears run down her face.  My heart sank.  I never wanted to hurt her, and I certainly never wanted her to see this.

            “Ana, I-” I looked into her blue eyes and cried harder, my short, dark hair falling in front of my eyes.

            “Why, Jake?  What are you doing?” she asked, digging out some gauze from the cabinet.

            The blood continued to trickle onto the tile floor of my bathroom.  Ana put a little pressure on fresh cut on my arm so it wouldn’t bleed too much and cleaned me up a bit before standing me up and bandaging the wound with the gauze.  I could tell she was not only sad, but also angry at me for doing this again.  I felt awful.

            “Ana, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean for you to see this,” I heard my voice quiver as I spoke.

            She sighed.  “You promised me you’d stop.”

            “I know, but it’s not that easy.  I can’t just stop.”

            “Yes you can, Jake!  You have full control over everything you do!” she shouted at me.

            “No, you don’t get it.  It’s not like that.”

            “How hard is it to just not do it?  How difficult can it be to not take anything sharp across your wrist?” she looked infuriated at this point.

            “You may think it’s easy, but it’s not.  Once you start you can’t stop,” I looked into her eyes and put my hands on her arms.  I tried to make her understand.

            “Jake, I need you to do something for me.  Every time you cut or feel like cutting or even think about cutting, think about how much I love you.  Know that every time you hurt yourself, you’re also hurting me.  I love you with all my heart, Jake.  Don’t you forget that.”

            I put my arms around her waist, pulled her close to me and rested my forehead on hers.  I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath.  “I love you with all my heart Mariana Lilly Engel.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  I’ll try to stop, but I need you.”

            She kissed me lightly and whispered, “I’d never be stupid enough to leave you.”

            I smiled and she kissed me again, this time a little rougher.  I tightened my grip on her and she slinked her arms around my neck.  I broke the kiss and gazed into her eyes.

            “Ha-ha, what?” she giggled.

            “I just can’t believe you’re mine.”

            She smiled at me and rested her head on my shoulder.  I let out another deep breath and buried my face in her long, brown hair.

            “I love you, Jake.”

            I smiled into her hair and spoke softly, “I love you too, babe.”