Rants of a Lover

Rants of a Lover

There’s a dim light coming from the corner, it falls on a picture of her, making it stand out in the chaos of this room and of myself. Memories of her, of little things she does, start messing with me as soon as I whisper her name. I wish I didn’t miss her so much, I wish I didn’t cry when I think about her. I wish I didn’t feel so sad when she doesn’t pick up the phone. But I can’t help it. And at the same time, I just want to enjoy it all, without fear of her not loving me as much as I love her.

I can’t remember how many times I told myself that I’m stronger than anything I might feel. Well, I’m not, and accepting that is harder than anyone can imagine. I let myself go and then I feel guilty and worthy of being despised by her and by him and by the whole world. I’m so selfish, I know. But how can I not be when it’s her I’m dealing with? She has crawled under my skin, she has entered my bloodstream, and how can I do without her now? I need her so I can keep functioning. I need to know that she thinks about me and smiles. I need her to tell me she could never live without me. I need her to love me, it’s as simple as that.

And yet, it is not. It’s never simple. Falling in love is the most confusing thing ever. It messes with your head, and you can’t think straight anymore. It makes you wanna give up everything and follow the one you love. It makes you stay up at night wondering if tomorrow she’ll tell you it’s over. It gives you hope when you’re with her, and then it shatters your whole world when she’s gone. It makes you feel like any sacrifice is worth for a minute of being with her. It makes you think you’re better because she loves you. But then again, it makes you doubt and wonder why she loves you in the first place. You’re not good enough for her, why does she put up with all your craziness when it could be so easy for her to walk away… and you never, ever know the whole truth. All you have left to do is trust your instincts and try to take advantage of every second you have with her… that’s all you can do before you lose her forever.