Everything Happens for a Reason... no.

Why... why did he have to do this to me. He knew how much I cared about him. He knew how much I loved him. Yet he still did this to me. It's been one year now. I've been hospitalized twice, from almost killing myself once, not eating another. Why did the last thing he said to me was that I was fat...

Friday, October 21, 2011

Dear Diary,
It's another day in this world. I can't stand the ways the kids look at me, staring. They know I'm depressed. They know that my brother killed himself. I mean in this world, everything is known by everyone at one point or another. My mom floats past reality everyday. My father gets up, goes to work, comes home, eats and sleep, I don't think I sustained a conversation with him since Christmas. He seems gone, like my mother, sitting on the couch everyday watching The Real Housewives of whatever. She can't stand facing real life, yet they make me go to school everyday. I can't stand the stress of school, of tests, of anything really. I haven't been to any parties, yet have I been invited. Just as long as I avoid my problems everything will be easier.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Day 231 of my medication. It doesn't seem to help. I passed out last night, a night full of booze and cutting. I woke up with the knife still in my hand, man if my parents knew this they'd sent me right back to where I “belong” With all the other crazy suicidal people. I would be better off if I went back, to them at least. I can't stand being alone. I'm to fat to get a boyfriend, I mean 110 pounds at 5'4” I'm giant, but if I lose weight, my doctors weigh-ins will know and I'll be sent back to the ward for Anorexia, which will make my life just a perfect little hell. Yet this is who my brother wanted me to be, he loved me so much he spoke the truth. “your fat and ugly, no boy will ever date you” were his last words over 13 months ago to me. Engraved in my head. I'm just a broke toy nobody wants to play with. I can't stand it anymore, well I'm off to relieve myself of my stress... goodnight

Thursday, October 29, 2011

Okay, this is the first time in a long while I'm not about to break down and start crying, I have some good news (for once) I found a guy, his name is Chris. He calls me pretty (yet I don't believe him) and sweet and caring. He's so hot by the way, I don't even know why he's talking to me. It's the first time in a long time I've let someone in my life, I even told him about the cutting, he said “You shouldn't have such a beautiful body” I talk to him every night and he just makes me happy. Alright well I gotta go call him, goodnight

Saturday, October 31, 2011

Okay so I had to sneak out (not like it was that hard) and went to the little park near my house, the one with the swing set and met Chris there. We swung on the swings and we had a great night, he actually made me laugh and give a real smile, something I hadn't done in a long while. At the end of the night he took my hand and asked me out, I of course said yes, and teared up, we walked around and when we sat on the stone wall outside my house (yes he walked me home) and he kissed me. I had never felt my heart flutter as much as I did tonight. He made sure I got inside and waited for me to text him I was safe before he walked home. I never knew guys could be so nice, he called me pretty and I did something I haven't done in a long time, I believed him... I couldn't believe it, but he even told me, underneath the scars that line my arms, that everything about me was beautiful, I almost cried. I'm so happy... well I have to go to bed, goodnight

Monday, November 2, 2011

I couldn't believe how easy school was for me today, Chris stopped and saw me as much as he could, and we even held hands down the hall, today was just great and I'm going over his house tomorrow, I'm so excited, I even told my parents and for the first time, they acted like they cared. They actually sat down with me and wanted to get to know him, acted like the wanted to hear everything I had to say. I was so happy, well I wanna get to bed so tomorrow can come. Goodnight

Tuesday, November 3, 2011

Diary, today was horrible....
So I went over his house, and I was so happy, he took my hand and led me inside his beautiful home, it was small, but very homey. I couldn't believe it when he led me to the dinning room and had the table set for a candlelight dinner for two. He opened a bottle of wine, who cares my 17th birthday is next month, I was for once happy, so I felt that as a celebration... but that's when it went down hill, he must of put something in my drink, because the next thing I remember was being carried up to his room, he undressed me, laid me down, and decided to have “fun” with me. When he was done, he sent me home, told me we were over.

I don't know how much longer i'll be able to carry on... he raped me....

Thursday, November 5, 2011

I took a pregnancy test today, and I can't believe it, I'm pregnant. I thought he loved me... he was just using me.

Friday, November 6, 2011

I couldn't concentrate in school today, I just went to the nurse and faked throwing up just to go home. My mom asked me how Chris was when she picked me up, and I almost threw up again. I answered good, unable to speak anymore about that monster, I stayed in bed and I just decided it was time, time for me to go, I can't stand going on, I can't bring a child into this world, my brother wouldn't allow that. This is my last goodbye, I leave everything to my parents, like my wishes matter, I can't go on, it's not worth it. Goodbye my parents, if you find this (and I'm leaving the document open for a reason) this wasn't your fault, and I know you'll get more closure from this then you ever did from Brian. Goodbye, send my wishes to grandpa.
I love you, Goodbye

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News Transcript from November 7, 2011
START
A 16 year old girl was found dead in her bathroom this morning with cut marks on what was her jugular vain. She was pronounced dead this morning on the arrival of the paramedics. It seems to be a suicide, no drugs seem to be involved but no real report on that until a toxicology report comes back within two weeks. The school is already planning a vigil for the beloved student.
END