God.....A Liar???

I called God a liar a week back.  I stood in my closet, and yelled at the air....fists clenched....."God....YOU ARE a LIAAAAAARRRRRR!"  And as the words escaped my lips and entered the small space of my closet....I immediately burst into tears.  I am not quite sure why I wept.  Sure, I wept over the fact that I was stressed, and grieved, and frustrated by many situations in my life.....but never had I called God a liar.....like a little child who wasnt getting her way.  As I reflect on it now, I believe I wept mostly for the loss of a belief system.  The death of my idealogy of who God really is. I wanted to scream....."But you said _______________!"  and "I don't understand!!!!!"  But instead, I yelled at the air....not really even believing he cared enough to be present with me in that small closet space.  But I yelled anyway.  "Do you even care at all?!"  I cried.....And it is in this pivotal moment, I didn't hear God didn't talk back.....I didn't feel anything.  I felt betrayed.  I felt lied to.  But it wasn't God who betrayed me.  God didn't lie to me.  God didn't fill my mind with the belief systems I had come to embrace about him.  Flawed people and flawed organizations had filled my mind.....I was like a child being spoon fed by my parents.  I didn't argue....I just opened my mouth, tasted it.....whether it was good or not....and then swallowed........  If it wasn't to my liking as a small child.....my parents firmly told me to eat it...it was good for me....swallow......so I did.  Its been like that most of my adult life......Eat this....chew it.....but dont chew too long...swallow...hurry hurry and finish......



Now, at 41 years old, my idealogies have turned sour in my stomach.  I don't like them....and I don't like the picture of God they have portrayed.....  They don't make sense.  They don't line up with real love.  They don't line up with Bible verses even......  So I scream at God?  And God, doesn't talk back.  He lets me alone.....Oh, I believe he is still there.....but I need quiet.  I need to wrestle with this for a bit.  And I do.



I wrestle inside my story..... Who is God?  what does He do; What does he say?  What does he want from little ole ME?????  I don't want to write this story....it is too painful......and it takes work. But I must....I MUST.....I cannot continue to live in the fairy tale  that has been created for me.  The God of my Fairytale is fluffy, and cushy......I believe God lives in me...and my fluffy and cushy belief of him has made me fluffy, chushy....FAKE....It has not served me well.  I wanna know God..... The true God. Not my Parents' God, or my past "church's" God....or even my closest friends's God......I wanna know my God..... My faith is not being tested....I am not leaving it.....My faith is being deconstructed and then put back together.  I am excited for the journey.....I refuse to tear out the pages of the story I have lived.....It doesn't serve me now....but it did get me to where I am now.... I am a survivor of my Fairy Tale..... I think I may need to quiet myself more....cut some noise....so I can get to know myself more.....hear myself.....and then, as I do this, the REAL God.....will reveal his true nature to me.....I close the pages of my Fairy Tale and begin the wirting of my story..



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