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         “Wait!” I scream, but he doesn’t hesitate. He looks me square in the eye and pulls the trigger.          

         I wake in a cold sweat shaking. Groggily, I look at my alarm clock. In fiery red numbers it reads two-ten in the morning. I haven’t been able to comfortably sleep through the whole night in weeks. So tonight, instead of fighting my insomnia, I stand and grab my favorite pair of sweat pants and a sweatshirt, hoping that their comfort would help calm me. I walk into the bathroom dropping my clothes to the floor at my feet and flip the light switch to find my hair brush and a rubber band to pull my hair up in. As I look in the mirror, I notice the swelling of my right eye has gone down and the blue and black have faded into a light yellowish-purple and the split in my lip has shrank into a tiny scratch. I lay the brush back down on the sink and pick my sweatshirt up off of the bathroom floor to put it on. My body still aches a little still so I have to lean against the wall to pull my sweatpants on. I look in the mirror one more time to make sure my hair is securely pulled into its pony tail before shutting the light off and stepping out of the bathroom.

         I flip the light switch on in the kitchen and start toward the refrigerator. I stand there with the door wide open for a few moments feeling the cool air dance around my face, looking inside the nearly empty fridge. I haven’t been able to make myself go out in public lately let alone step outside into my own front yard even to go buy things to feed myself. Every time I do I start to shake with the fear of being seen by them. I think I would rather starve than have that happen. I decide a glass of water would be best right now; I haven’t really been able to stomach anything else lately. I settle myself into a chair at the kitchen table and sip slowly at the cup, savoring the water’s chill as it runs down my throat. I start to think of the nightmare that had startled me awake. It’s been weeks since I’ve stepped out of this house. I’m too scared. I’m afraid that they’re going to come find me. I can’t shake the scene from my mind’s eye.

It’s not like I don’t know how I got myself into this situation. I should have been smarter. Then I wouldn’t have had to move and hide out. The police suggested it would be best for me to lay low until my tormentors were caught. It didn’t make me feel any better picking up and moving because when you live the life I did and hang out with some dangerous people, it’s never over. You learn all the same tricks and all the same moves; there’s no hiding in this game. I’m just waiting until they come find me. Maybe it would be better that way. Just put me out of my misery like they were going to to begin with.

I remember when all of this started like it was just yesterday. My life began spiraling out of control the day I met S.J. He had this smile that made you blush every time he’d flash you it. He was the type of guy you could fall so deeply in love with and be afraid of all at the same time. S.J. was the ruler of the streets. He was king of the night-life; he was Jekyll and Hyde. He taught me everything I needed to know so I could survive on the streets. He taught me how to talk the talk and walk the walk. I got pretty good at it too, if I do say so myself. I turned into his little minion. I made all of his plays for him.

         I met S.J. on a hot afternoon in July about ten years ago. I was a good girl then. I was studying at the university up the street from my parents’ house. I decided to stay at home to go to college because I didn’t want to be homesick. I was walking home from class that day in the sweltering heat. I remember cutting through the park so I could sit on one of the benches in the shade for a little while to cool off. I sat down at a table that overlooked the pond in the middle of the park that set next to the rose garden and lit a cigarette. I closed my eyes and took a drag. The breeze felt so good coming through the trees that I turned my head to feel it wash over my face. Then to my left, I heard someone yelling. “Lucky! Get back here!” I turned to look and saw a man chasing after a massive pit-bull. It was a beautiful dog. He had a light brown coat and big floppy ears that still needed some growing into. Next thing I knew the dog was running across the park headed straight toward me. He got closer and closer until I realized he wasn’t going to stop. All of a sudden I was lying in a pile of brush on the ground under the tree next to the picnic table.

“Bad dog!” yelled the owner as he pulled it off of me and hooked his leash back onto his collar. “I’m so sorry. When this big guy sees a pretty girl he takes right off for ‘em.” He said with a chuckle. The man came toward me to help pull me off of the ground.

“It’s ok.” I said as I stood up and dusted myself off. I noticed that my pale blue shirt had muddy paw prints on it and the front of my jean shorts had a little tear in them towards the bottom. I must have looked a sight then because the man gave me a quick look over and asked, “Did Lucky hurt you at all? He’s a big teddy bear, he really is. He just doesn’t seem to know his own strength,” he said with a smile. Right then I knew he was hitting on me. I turned toward him as I brushed myself off. “I’m fine, really. No biggie,” I said starting to look up at him. When I did, I froze. Everything about him made my body start to tingle. He was a very good-looking guy. He had short brown hair and these amazing hazel eyes that made my heart start to melt instantly.  He couldn’t have been more then twenty-four or twenty-five years old then, and I was just shy of my twenty-first birthday. He had a medium build and he was just the right height; he seemed perfect, or at least physically he did. “My name’s S.J.” he said and offered me his hand. I offered mine back, blushed, and in a small voice said, “I’m Carly.” He apologized again for Lucky and offered to walk me to wherever I was going. I accepted and we started to walk together out of the park with Lucky trailing behind us.

         From then on, S.J. and I were inseparable. We walked and talked that day until the night started to paint the city sky. The first few months we were together were incredible. With him, I saw the world through brand new eyes. When I looked at the world it seemed clearer. Everything smelled sweeter, flowers, grass. Even the night time had this beautiful scent to it, a scent that reminded me of water-parks and flower gardens; happy times. He was polite and very gentlemanly. He always knew when to say the right thing. He was just, well, perfect.

But S.J. already had a girl you see. He loved her with a fierce passion. He would do anything to be with her. I met her at his apartment one night sometime in October. She was lying in a delicate heap of powder on a little tray; stark white and very intimidating.

“You ever try it?” He’d asked me.

I shook my head no. He broke off a little section from the pile and cut it into a jagged little line with a razor blade. He then pulled a five dollar bill out of his wallet and rolled it up. I looked at him and he looked at me.

“Try it,” he said. “I wouldn’t give you anything bad. Besides, I know you’re gonna love it. You trust me?” I looked at him. “Do you trust me?” he said again this time with a little pout in his voice. I glanced at him again, and then back to the tray. I was sure I could trust him. He had never done anything worth second guessing him before. Not knowing what else to do, I took her from him, gingerly. I didn’t want to be rude. Then without thinking twice, she flew up my nose and dispersed throughout my head. It burned, but the feeling was incredible. She hit my brain instantaneously.  I was elated. The world was the clearest I had ever seen it. I had never felt so alive, so awake. He smirked and did one up for himself.

“Feels good huh?” He said. All I could do was nod my head. I couldn’t sit still, I needed to get up and move. I was going crazy. I was numb. I was scared. Then he gave me a little more.

         From then on I was the other woman in S.J.’s life. Crank came first. She was more powerful than I could ever hope to be, so I decided that maybe we should be friends. It would make things much easier on the both of us. After all, S.J. loved both of us, at least he said he did. We did become friends, best friends in fact. We never went anywhere without each other. It was the three of us, S.J. Crank, and I. We partied all night together, everyday. Crank had a mean side to her, one that didn’t take long for me to realize how much of a bitch she could be. When she would finally let go of your head, she was mean, real mean. She would leave your nose a bloody, snotty mess and your body feeling weak, like she had beaten you up from the inside out. She was a monster. The more you had of her the meaner she’d get. She never let you sleep, never let you eat. She kept you her prisoner. She was very seductive and was real good at making you want more and more of her. He gave me more. My body went cold then hot, I started to shake.

***

         I got up from the kitchen table and put my glass in the sink. I stand here for a minute lingering at my last thought. The memory of the last night I saw S.J. creeps into my mind. One night a few weeks ago, we made a delivery to one of his buddies in the next town over. We pulled up to a worn down looking house. The roof was missing some shingles and the front yard looked as if it hadn’t been mowed in a couple of months. Chunks of white paint outlined the sides of the house like a chalked body on a sidewalk; ominous I know but when S.J. headed towards the door and beckoned me to follow, I did. Something didn’t feel right about going into that house, but still I followed S.J. all the way up the stairs to the front porch, and into the mouth of hell.

         As I stepped in, I saw five Latino looking men spread out toward the edges of the front room in the house. The one closest to S.J. greeted him and made a gesture for us to come into the room. In the middle of the floor was a card table with four chairs around it. 

“Please, sit down.” said the man who had greeted S.J.

S.J. and I took our seats next to each other on the left side of the table. The man who had greeted us sat down opposite of S.J. while the other men took their places around the table to close the circle in nice and tight; so nobody could get out.

“Do you have the money for me, S.J.?” said the man. S.J. leaned forward on the table.

“Raul, I won’t be able to have the full amount to you until next Thursday.”

“S.J., I told you last time I needed it the next time I saw you. Where is it?” Raul said glaring at S.J.

“I haven’t been able to get rid of it all.” S.J. replied.

“Well why didn’t you say so in the first place? Just give me what you made and give the rest back and we’ll call it even,” Raul said dryly. S.J.’s eyes slowly moved downward to the table top.

“I…” S.J. started; Raul interrupted him.

“You don’t have anything do you?”

S.J.’s head snapped back up; whatever color that was left in his already pale face started to drain. Raul got up and started to walk around the table.

“I’ve given you chance after chance. S.J., now I think you’re just toying with me.” S.J started to get up from the table but one of the large Hispanic men behind him grabbed his shoulders and forced him back into his chair. Both of the men across from us pulled out their semiautomatics. I looked around at all of them; I was starting to shake a little bit. The air in the room seemed to get thicker; it was getting harder to breath.

“I’ll tell you what,” Raul said with a smile playing around his lips. “I’ll make you a trade.” S.J. looked at him curiously. “I’ll take the girl. She should cover your debt.” He said looking me up and down. My mind went blank. I couldn’t comprehend what he had just said. Me? What was he going to do with me? Then S.J. surprised me.

“So, I give you her, and my debt is wiped clean?” I turned to him.

“What are you doing?” I whispered, terrified.

Raul slowly nodded his head. S.J. looked at me, his eyes emotionless. How could he do this to me? I thought he loved me. I tried to get up, but a pair of huge arms wrapped around the middle of my body, lifting me, crushing my ribs. “Let me go!” I screamed, but a hand clamped my mouth shut. I started to sob into the hand.  I was mortified. I saw S.J. stand up slowly from the table and shake Raul’s hand. “No! Don’t leave me!” I tried to yell, but my cries were muffled. I began to struggle against the huge Hispanic man, but couldn’t break free, so I bit his hand. The man threw me across the room.

“Feisty little one ain’t ya?” He said with a smirk. I started to get up to run toward S.J. “S.J. please, please don’t do this, I love you,” I pleaded. He looked at me. His eyes softened a little for a flash, but he looked away. I started to run towards him when I felt someone kick me in my back. The pain was excruciating. Again I tried to get up, but was stopped by one of the Hispanic men.

“You’re not leaving little girl,” One of them said with a sneer. I continued to be tossed back and forth among them. My body went numb from all of the kicking and punching, finally I went limp. I couldn’t take anymore; I just lied there on the floor sobbing. S.J. just stood there with no hint of any kind of expression on his face. That’s when I realized he wasn’t the man I thought I knew. Crank would always win. We weren’t all friends. Everyone was in it for themselves; S.J. had only one love and she was far from human.

         I lifted my head off of the ground to look at S.J. one last time before he walked out of the door and out of my life forever. I kept thinking to myself why? How could I have been so stupid to believe everything he said to me? He didn’t love me. He was only going to save himself. I didn’t matter. These men were going to do whatever they wanted with me and no one could help me. One of the large men picked me up off of the floor and sat me back in a chair at the table. I didn’t even try to struggle as he tied me to it I couldn’t believe what just happened. He tied the rope so tight I could barely breathe. Then with a knife, he started to cut at my clothes.

***

         I shake my head as if to shake the thought from my head. I didn’t want to think about what had happened next. I fill the sink with water and soap to do the dishes. I don’t really feel like going back to bed so I might as well make some use of my free time. After I put the last plate in the rack to dry, I hear a little rustle outside the window above the sink. I peer out the window cautiously. It’s still dark outside so I can’t see much. I close the window and lock it. I turn around to head to the living room when I hear a little tap against the window. I slowly turn my head to look back at the window but again, I saw nothing. I continue to the living room and flop down on the couch and turn on the T.V. There’s really nothing on at four in the morning because I don’t have cable, so I get up to put in a DVD instead. Out of the corner of my eye I see something move in the shadows of the hallway. I snap my head toward it but all I see is the front door and the closet door next to it, opened. I don’t remember leaving the door open.

         I start toward the hallway slowly. I flip the light switch and walk to the closet door and look inside. Nothing seemed to be missing or out of place. I close the door and turn back toward the living room. Something stopped me then. I don’t know what, intuition maybe. I started to head up the staircase toward my room. Back in my room it looked the same as I’d left it except the light was on. I remember turning it off. I never leave a room without turning the light off. I go back downstairs to the kitchen. Nothing seems to be out of place. I go back to living room and stop dead in my tracks. Sitting on my couch was S.J.

         “What the…?” I stuttered softly. “What are you doing here?” I said with a hint of panic in my voice.

         “I was in town and thought I would stop by.” He smirked.

         “How did you even know I was here?”

         “It doesn’t matter, what does is that I found you. Carly I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” He said with that sad pouty look on his face that I knew so well.

         “Forgive you for what? Selling me to your drug dealers because of all the money you owed them went up your nose? For watching them beat me while I tried to get away and you stood there listening to me scream and plead for you to help me?” I exploded. “Do you even know what they did to me? How could you just leave me there? I loved you and did everything you asked of me and more. I won’t forgive you for any of it.”

         S.J. looked at me. “Carly….” He said in that soothing voice I’ve heard so many times before. I looked up at him. “You know it wasn’t anything personal. Besides what could I have done?”

         “You could have offered something else besides me.” I said, anger rising in my voice.

         “C’mon Carly, you know they wouldn’t have accepted anything else.”

         “You could’ve tried,” I said with tears starting to brim my eyes.

         “What was I supposed to say Carly? Take me instead?” he said sarcastically. “You should’ve just kept pretending you were dead.”

         “What’s that supposed to mean?” I said.

         “Because then I wouldn’t have to be here.”

         “What are you talking about?”

         “I mean you need to learn to keep your mouth shut. Jesus, do you have any common sense?” He exploded.

         I stared at him. “S.J. what are you talking about?”

         “They know you ratted them out to the cops.”

         “So, what does that have to do with you being here? You’re debt’s wiped clean, what’s it to you?”

         “They sent me to finish the deal. You should’ve just played dead Carly. I didn’t want to do this.” He pulled out a Colt .45 and pointed it to my head. I looked down the barrel; my heart started pounding as I stood there frozen on the spot.

         “Why are you doing this S.J.? I though you loved me,” I said trying not to cry.

         “You really believed me?” He laughed. “Carly I just needed someone to run for me. God, you’re so stupid. Do you have any common sense, or are you always like this? It’s a good I’m getting rid of you. There’ll be one less dumb little girl in the world.” He said as he raised the gun to my forehead. I stared at it for a split second and remembered the hidden gun in the drawer of the night stand in my bedroom. I took off from the room as soon as I saw him put his finger on the trigger. I heard his footsteps heavy on the stairs behind me.

         “Carly don’t do this. I don’t want to have to chase you. It’ll be easier to just get it over with.” He called out in a mocking voice. Once in my room, I fumbled with drawer handle with my shaking hands. I finally pull the drawer open and reach in to the back of it and lay my hand on the smooth metal. I grab it and yank it out. I turn the safety off and whirl around to face my doorway just in time to see S.J. walk in with the gun at his side. I pointed it straight at his face.

         “Carly do you even know how to use that thing?” He said with a little smile. I raised the gun a little more at him to bulls-eye the shot in the middle of his head. “Whoa, ok sweetie. I guess it’s gonna be like this.” He raised his gun and pointed it at me.  As soon as I saw him raise his gun I pulled the trigger before he could pull his. I watched him stand there for a second looking stunned, a trickle of blood working its way down his face. He took a step back and wobbled a little bit. I stood there with the gun still raised. I fired another shot and he fell to the floor in a heap, a puddle of dark red liquid started to form around his head. I walked slowly backwards towards my bed with the gun still raised. I felt the bed hit the back of my knees and I flopped down, the gun hitting the bed beside me. I stared at S.J.’s corpse. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t comprehend what had just happened. For a split second I thought about calling the police, but then remembered what S.J. said about keeping my mouth shut. If I called the police the story would be all over the front page of the newspaper by tomorrow evening for sure and then his people would know I’m still alive. No, I couldn’t let that happen then they would come after me. I sat there on my bed shaking, not knowing what to do; then I puked. What am I going to do? I started to rock back forth sobbing. I can’t call anyone. I’m stuck. I look down at S.J.’s corpse to make sure it hadn’t moved. I stood up and went over to him with my gun still raised just in case. I kicked his side hard; he didn’t make a sound, he was dead. I let my arms fall to my side. There was only one thing I could do.

         I started dragging S.J.’s body down the stairs, wrapped in a sheet. I dragged him all the way to the back door. I peered out of the blinds to make sure no one else was out there. I left his body by the back door and grabbed my coat to head out to the shed to grab a shovel. As I stood in the shed looking for the shovel I realized I was going to have to take S.J.’s body somewhere outside of town, somewhere where no one would find him. I looked to my right and saw a big blue tarp. I took the tarp into the house and wrapped S.J.’s body with it then went to pull my car inside of the garage. I loaded my trunk with S.J. and the shovel then went back inside to grab my gun.

I don’t know where I’m driving to. Just anywhere out of the city where no one will see me. I drive for about an hour before realizing the sun will be up soon; I’ve got to get rid of him fast. I keep driving searching for anywhere that doesn’t seem to be inhabited by people. After a while, I come to some sort of park. It looks abandoned. The swings hang by one of their chains and the slide to the left of them looks like it’s been beaten with a baseball bat. This is probably the best place I’m going to find, I think to myself. I stop the car and get out to look around. I can’t see any houses for miles around here. I go around to the back of my car and pop the trunk.  As I look down at S.J.’s body wrapped in the blue tarp, I start to feel sick all over again. I know I have to hurry and there’s no time for freaking out. I struggle with dragging his body over to the abandoned playground.

Finally after struggling dragging him, I drop him behind the swings and start digging a shallow grave. Looking up twenty minutes later, I notice the sun peeking over the horizon. I can see the fog sitting on top of the grass now. I have to hurry. I decide the grave is deep enough. With shaking hands, I roll his body into it. He drops down with a hard thump and I wince at the sound. I stand there for a minute and stare at the outline of his body in the tarp, something’s missing. I go back to the car and grab my gun and drop it in the grave on top of S.J. I fill the grave and head back toward my car just in time to see the sun say good morning. I stand there for a minute with my car door open, looking at the sunrise. I realize I can’t go back home. When S.J. doesn’t come back to them, they’re going to come find me. I decide it would be better to not go back to grab anything, I’ll just drive, as far as I can.