Hebrew Alphabet Soup

        Muzzy sits by a crackling fire. His terrier Checkers is cleaning himself.
    An assistant to the assistant set designer spritzes Checkers to stop it.
    Muzzy high white wig is being pooffed. "Are we ready?" the assistant to
    the assistant of the assistant director's nephew asks. The set is cleared.

          "Good evening and Happy Holidays." Muzzy gives a toothy smile
    and opens a large leather bound book on his lap. Checkers barks.
    "Well, in this tumultuous yuletide season, I wish to outline the events
    we have all witnessed." Muzzy puts his finger on a page. "It is the coming
    of the Anti-Christ. You see thousands of years ago in the middle east there
    was a bedouin tribe, who called themselves Hebrews. The Hebrew translates
    "Chosen." These Hebrews recorded their history orally for 5 thousand years,
    then while slaves in Babylon they wrote the first Bible. The Babylonians taught
    them how to write. The custom in those days was printing. This was high tech."
    Muzzy takes a sip of water.

          "Well, history was mystical in those days. God and Angels were actively
    participating in the Hebrew Bible. So. There is a lot of magic in the Bible.
    The Hebrews counted with their alphabet. Every name had a numerical value.
    Yes. This is the origin of 666. The number of the beast. If you Google "Hebrew
    Alphabet" you will find a key in program to get your name's numerical value.
    Did you know Nero Ceasar adds up to 666? Whoever, wrote the Apocalypse did.
    So. The Anti-Christ was a Roman Emperor, who blamed the burning of Rome
    on... the followers of Jesus." Muzzy closes the book and tries to cross his legs,
    but can't.

          "Arf!" Checkers laughs at Muzzy.

    "Hmf! So. To all those doomsday bunker Christians, you missed the boat!
    The Anti-Christ has come and gone. What we are witnessing in the middle east
    is the natural evolution of nationhood. First there are tribes, then kings and
    finally a democracy. Happy ending...." Muzzy sips some
    more water.

          Checkers leaps into Muzzy's lap and licks his face. "There, there Checkers."
    Muzzy rubs the back of Checkers head. "Don't forget to register to vote."
    Muzzy waves Checker's paw at the camera, "And Merry Christmas!"

            "That's a wrap!" the assistant to the assistant's nephew squawks.

    "Well, I hope that makes the Clinton's happy. Hillary scares the crap out of me."
    Muzzy takes his white wig off and lets out his girdle. Checker's pees on the
    chair.

    666