The Council Of Elders

         This is a story that happened a long time ago (about two hours ago) in a far away place (a London apartment).
         Prince Charming walked down the wood-panelled corridor. He wore a fine suit of silver armour that gleamed in the light. A crimson lion was painted on the chestplate. A round shield was strapped to his back. His sword-hilt was easily visible at the top of his leather scabbard. His blonde hair was in a stupid Justin Bieber-style.
         Prince Charming came to a frosted glass door. The words 'The Council of Elders' were imprinted on it in gold letters. Prince Charming pushed open the door and walked through. A long polished oak table filled most of the room. A few blank canvases hung on the walls. At the opposite end of the table was another pair of frosted glass doors.
         Prince Charming took a seat in one of the comfy leather armchairs that clustered around the table. Instantly a fairy appeared in front of him, hovering with a pair of dragonfly wings that were beating so fast they were a silver blur. She had long, red hair (it was only an inch long but it was long for here since she was less than a foot high) and she wore a leopard-skin bikini.
         "What would you like to eat?" the fairy asked.
         "Why are you wearing a bikini?" asked Prince Charming.
         "So only humans can be semi-naked? Aren't we fairies allowed our lust?" demanded the fairy indignantly.
         "Sorry, sorry," said Prince Charming. "So anyway, could I have some champagne, a bowl of caviar and a steak, rare." The fairy vanished.
         Then the doors opened and in came two people. Prince Charming recognized them instantly. Cupid's feathery pink wings fluttered as he lowered himself into a leather seat. He was the size of a small child. He had curly dark hair, bright red lips and wore a simple sash with the word 'Cupid' on it and a pair of shorts. Meanwhile the Abominable Snowman sat in the largest chair which was at the end of the table. The Abominable Snowman was a mountain of a guy, covered in shaggy milk-white fur. He had wide, pink eyes and massive spade-like hands.
         "Hello, AS," said Prince Charming.
         "Salutations and eternal greetings," said the Abominable Snowman. "I anticipate that your sunlight hours have been fruitful and pleasurable."
         "Of course," sent Prince Charming, not knowing what the Abominable Snowman had said because he dropped out of school before his GCSE's to become an actor - an actor who was as terrible as Robert Pattinson. Then he turned to Cupid. "Hello tiny love monkey."
         "Shut up and get back to your clothes shopping," snapped Cupid.
         As though cued to halt the about-to-begin argument, the fairy appeared to take Cupid's and the Abominable Snowman's order.
         Within half an hour, most of the Council had arrived. The Big Bad Wolf (who was on Prince Charming's left) was in a heated argument with Puss in Boots (who was seated on Prince Charming's right). The April Fool was repeatedly pelting Pinocchio's skinny wooden frame with pies - pies that contained cream and bricks. Lastly, Gingerbread Man and the Easter Bunny were debating which was sweeter, chocolate eggs or gingerbread.
         Only two more people had to arrive. Then the door opened with a squeak as someone new entered. It was the Tooth Fairy. She was a short, plump woman with a shimmering white dress, turquoise hair and she held a wand that was a rod of wood painted luminous yellow ending in a perfect white tooth. She flew over to the nearest free seat and floated into it. She instantly started lecturing to Cupid about the tooth-decaying that Valentine's Day chocolate caused.
         "It has been an hour," said the Abominable Snowman. "I motion that we commence with our official congregation and converse about our issues."
         "Anyone who agrees raise your hand," said the Big Bad Wolf. Everyone raised their hand.
         "Motion passed," declared Pinocchio. "Prince Charming, strike with the hammer."
         "Why should I do that?" demanded Prince Charming.
         "Yeah, why should he, he would chip a nail," grumbled Cupid.
         "I'll do it," declared Puss in Boots. He raised the mallet and hit the table with it. The bang echoed through the room. Then part of the ceiling collapsed. The Tooth Fairy screamed. A number of people yelled in shock as dust billowed into the room like fog.
         Pinocchio peered into the cloud and saw a large wooden object. Then he realized what it was. A sleigh painted red and green. A plump man in a red suit trimmed with white fur was climbing out of it. He had shiny black boots and a black belt with a brass buckle.
         "Santa!" he exclaimed. Santa Claus waddled over to the last seat and sat down.
         "Sorry I'm late," said Santa cheerfully. "The sleigh collided with a jumbo jet which is currently on fire and hurtling towards the Empire State Building."
         "We just decided that we were to begin the meeting," said the April Fool as he held out his hand to Santa. Santa shook his hand and leapt out of his chair as several hundred volts shot through him. As Santa settled back into his chair, his beard smoking and his eyes gone cross-eyed, the April Fool giggled into hysterics, the bell on his purple jester hat tinkling away as he collapsed in a fit of laughter. Within seconds he was rolling around on the floor in his yellow waistcoat, various whoopie cushions, whipped cream cans and masks falling from his voluminous pockets. Then he got up and sat back in his chair. "I don't get it," he said.
         "So anyway, let's begin the meeting, I need to get to Game before it closes so I can buy Skyrim," said the Easter Bunny.
         "Won't you be conspicuous in the centre of a computer game store?" said the Abominable Snowman, gesturing to the massive rabbit with nut-brown fur, tall pointed ears and an orange cape.
         "I'll go in disguise," said the Easter Bunny.
         "If you go down to the woods today, you'd better be in disguise," murmured the Gingerbread Man. Puss in Boots struck the table with the hammer.
         "Let's begin," he said. "I'll lead the meeting."
         "Why you?" demanded Prince Charming. Puss in Boots's ginger tail curled in irritation.
         "Princey, your mascara is running," smirked Cupid. Prince Charming wailed in horror and removed a hand-mirror from under his armour. "That's why Puss in Boots is the head, not you," snapped Cupid. Prince Charming irritably stuffed his mirror back under his armour.
         "So before we begin official business, does anyone have any questions or announcements?" asked Puss in Boots. He leaned back in his chair, hoisting his expensive boots onto the table and adjusted the angle of his hat to give him a dashing, jaunty appearance.
         "I have a question," said the Gingerbread Man. "Why are these pictures blank?" With his light brown gingerbread arm he gestured at the plain canvases hung on the walls.
         "The decorator was blind and he didn't want to put up something that others could see and admire when he couldn't," replied Pinocchio.
         "Then what's the point of putting anything up?" asked the Gingerbread Man, his icing eyebrows crinkled in confusion.
         "I don't know, don't ask me to try and understand his logic," cried Pinocchio.
         "Anything else?" interjected Puss in Boots.
         "Yes," said the Big Bad Wolf, raising his jet black paw. "I would like to announce the publishing of my new autobiography, The Life of a Huff 'n' Puffer, which can be found in any good Easons for £8.99," said the Big Bad Wolf as he lifted up a thick book with a picture of his head in the middle of a hurricane on the front cover.
         "O-kay," said Puss in Boots unsurely. "One last thing from... you." He pointed at the Tooth Fairy.
         "I just want to declare my utter hatred of Cadburys," said the Tooth Fairy.
         "Right," said Puss in Boots as he banged the mallet on the table. "Now to official matters."
         Suddenly, a bunch of side orders, main courses, drinks and puddings appeared in front of everyone.
         "Yum," said Santa Claus as stuffed turkey and mince pies winked into existence before him. "I motion that we eat and discuss at the same time."
         "All who agree raise their hand," said Puss in Boots. Once again, everyone raised their hands. Everyone began to tuck in as Puss in Boots picked up the list of things that needed to be discussed. "First on the agenda, what are we to do with the Three Little Pigs? Apparently they are pushing the straw, stick and brick industries out of business?"
         "I say I eat them," said the Big Bad Wolf through a mouthful of bacon.
         "That's your answer to everything," argued Cupid.
         "Not when the problem is vegetables," pointed out the Big Bad Wolf.
         "We should confiscate a third of their stock," said the April Fool. "Then use it to build a dam to block the Atlantic."
         "That's impossible, the Atlantic is a mass body of water with multiple continual sources," said the Abominable Snowman.
         "We should still confiscate a third of their stock," said the Tooth Fairy.
         "And give the sticks to the world's beaver community, the bricks to the world's builders and simply burn the straw," said Prince Charming.
         "All in favour," said Cupid. Everyone except the Big Bad Wolf said 'aye'. "Majority vote, we shall confiscate a third of the Three Little Pig's supply and give it to various organisations."
         Then someone burped. Everyone looked at the Big Bad Wolf.
         "What was that?" demanded Santa.
         "I ate Gingerbread Man," confessed the Big Bad Wolf.
         "Actually, I'm here," said the Gingerbread Man, peeking round the side of the Abominable Snowman. The Big Bad Wolf looked confused.
         "Then who'd I eat?"
         "Cupid," said the April Fool. He hooted a horn and started tittering.
         "I thought it tasted sweet. Well it was an easy mistake to make, they look alike."
         "How do I resemble Cupid?" demanded Gingerbread Man. "I'm made of gingerbread with a jellytot bellybutton and and icing face and Cupid is a winged kid wearing shorts!"
         "Ah well," shrugged the Big Bad Wolf.
         "A minute of silence for our dearly..."
         "... and tastily," added the Big Bad Wolf.
         "...departed Cupid," proposed Puss in Boots. The Council was silent for a minute. Then Prince Charming broke the silence.
         "Pinocchio, did you just call me a twit?" he demanded.
         "No!" protested Pinocchio. His nose instantly grew a foot longer, sprouting a few leaves at the same time.
         "Looks like you did!" snapped Prince Charming.
         "I didn't," shrieked Pinocchio. His nose shot forward another twelve inches - poking Prince Charming's wig off! Prince Charming went red with rage. The Tooth Fairy burst into screams of laughter.
         "Stop laughing at me!" he shouted. He hurled his champagne at her. The Tooth Fairy screeched in horror as it splashed over her.
         "Prince Charming, you idiot!" she howled. Her face was starting to droop like hot wax and her clothes appeared to be liquefing. "Champagne is fatal to me!" She started to melt into a pool of goo. As the last of her face dribbled into liquid, she screamed, "I hope Prince Charming dies a horrible death." Then she was just a puddle.
         "Christ, that was not meant to happen," mumbled Prince Charming, the sudden melting of the Tooth Fairy making him unaware of everyone smirking and pointing at his bald head. Then suddenly the Abominable Snowman collapsed, convulsing, on the table. His flailing limbs sent food and cutlery flying. One of his legs spasmed, kicking the Easter Bunny in the chest and knocking him over.
         "What happened?" shouted Puss in Boots.
         "I set my hand-zapper on 'EXTREME'," cackled the April Fool. The Gingerbread Man groaned.


         A few minutes later, after the Abominable Snowman had been carried out and the Tooth Fairy mess and the rest of the food had been cleaned up, the rest of the Council sat around the table.
         "Alright, what's next on the agenda?" asked the Big Bad Wolf. Then a beep rang out. Puss in Boots plucked his mobile phone out from his boots. He tapped the screen a few times to bring up a new message.
         "Oh," he said. "I've got a message from Pinocchio. He says that him and the Easter Bunny have left the Council to become blackjack dealers in Las Vegas."
         "I never realized they were missing," said the Big Bad Wolf. He glanced around to confirm that the Easter Bunny and Pinocchio were gone. "They probably left during the whole Tooth-Fairy-melting-and-the-Abominable-Snowman-having-a-fit-fiasco."
         "I said I was sorry," said Prince Charming and the April Fool in unison. Unrehearsed. Just then a fairy appeared, holding an old-fashioned telephone.
         "Telephone call for Mr Claus," said the fairy. Santa picked up the receiver and started talking into the phone. A minute later he put the receiver back down and the fairy vanished along with the phone. Santa cleared his throat and looked at the rest of the remainder of the Council.
         "I have to go now," he said. "Let's just say there's been an incident involving elf shoes, a faulty toy-making machine and a sharpened candy cane." He got up and leapt into his sleigh, which was still stuck in the wall. "To Lapland!" The sleigh reversed out of the side of the building and soared into the sky. Then the Gingerbread Man leapt up.
         "Wait!" he exclaimed. "I made a bet with Santa that Prince Charming would do something stupid during the meeting! I haven't claimed my tenner yet!" He sprinted from the room, muttering something about Heathrow.
         So now there was Puss in Boots, the Big Bad Wolf, Prince Charming and the April Fool left at the table.
         "What's up with that?" cried the April Fool. The Big Bad Wolf rose to his feet.
         "I just realized, my pay-and-display ticket only lasted an hour and a half, I better get going." And with that, he left.
         Puss in Boots sighed. The last person who he could engage in intelligent conversation with was gone. He was stuck with a giggling lunatic and a spoiled guy who only wore armour because he thought he looked nice in it.
         "I think we should bring this Council of Elders meeting to a close," he declared. "All in favour say 'aye'." They all said aye. Puss in Boots banged his hammer on the table. "This meeting is officially closed." He stood up to leave when he noticed something. He peered at Prince Charming. "Oh my God, are you wearing a dress under that armour?!"
         "No!" protested Prince Charming, but his blushing cheeks betrayed him.
         "OK, that is just creepy." Puss in Boots spun on his heel and left.

The End