Cutters

It is obvious within the past few years that cutting has almost become a fad.  I am here to tell you that it’s not cool and it’s not a fad.  There are many different reasons people cut and to be cool is not a reason.  If you are one of those people-well, you are a fucking idiot.  You might as well take a needle full of heroin and stick it in your vein because that’s where your mind is and that’s where you are going to end up if you keep going down the path you’re walking.

Cutting is a disease, an addiction.  People do it because they suffer from depression, anxiety, other (much more severe) psychological disorders, they crave attention because they have possibly been ignored their entire lives, or they have been physically, emotionally, mentally or sexually abused.  Do not judge these people; do not be scared of these people.  This is not something they have control over.  As I said, it’s an addiction.  Like any addiction, you have no control and you have no idea how it works.

If there is somebody in your life you care about that is cutting and needs help, do not try to be their savior or try and force them to stop.  This will not work, believe me, it won’t.  Get them the help they truly need.  You can be their friend and listen to them and be there for them when they need you.  But what they really need is true help, professional help.

I suffered from severe depression and anxiety for years of my life, for about 10 or 12 years to be exact.  I begin by cutting and continued for about 10 years.  I now have permanent, horrible scars all over my body.  My legs, thighs, stomach, hands and from my wrists up to my shoulders, these scars will never go away and are a constant reminder of my past.  Being the happy, loving, successful person I am now I don’t even notice them until somebody mentions them.  But, when that happens, my entire world crashes in around me. 

I had begun my journey of depression and anxiety by cutting and the disease quickly over took my entire being.  The cuts became more often, deeper, longer, all over.  With every cut my depression seemed to worsen.  Soon suicidal thoughts kicked in.  I ended up in ICU a couple times from overdosing on prescription medications I found, from trying to kill myself.  Having your stomach pumped for days, vomiting up everything in your body, being hooked up to every machine possible, having a priest come in and bless you because they thought you were going to die….NOT FUN!  I have spent months is psychological hospitals, been tied down to beds, injured nurses, taken every prescribed medication on the market, had shock therapy, seen psychologists, psychiatrists, LCSW’s, you name it, I’ve done it.  I even tried replacing cutting with illegal drugs, which worked for a while, but that’s not a good idea.

After writing all of that, I want you to all be aware that I have never written all of this down or expressed it.  I do not talk to people about my past.  I have cut off all ties from my past for good reason.  The people who know me now would never believe the person I use to be, I have done a complete 360.  If I told them, they might even laugh because they would think I was joking.  When people ask what my scars are from, I lie.  I have found that humans are automatically scared of things they do not understand.  When they are scared, they flee and I am sick of losing the people I care about.

The reason I told you all of this is because in some strange way I am hoping it may help somebody.  When it comes to depression, anxiety, cutting and suicide, I have seen it all and I have done it all (no I did not list it all in this letter).  However, I still beat it and managed to become who I truly am.  I am a very happy, loving, successful person.  I love life, my family, my friends, and my job and appreciate every second of everyday I have!  There is never a point when I think of cutting or suicide; it’s just not something that ever enters my mind anymore.  Things may seem hopeless (in fact I know they seem hopeless) but, they are not.  I guarantee you they are not, I promise you there is a light-you just have to fight!