Inner Turmoil

This weekend, was my first over night visit with my boyfriend. And he made me question if I really knew myself at all. Nothing happened between us other then some heavy make-out session's. But when I got nervous, I tended, not tended. I broke off the kiss and moved away from him. Eventually, after this cycle repeated a few time's, he asked me what it was he was doing wrong. I, trying to avoid the confrontation, asked him what he meant.
"You keep pushing me away. Why?" So I try to avoid his question again, knowing how pointless my attempt's are. "Give me an example." He took a deep breath, made sure I could hold eye contact with him, and started. "Its like, Jumping. You like jumping. I enjoy jumping. So if we were to go to that cliff over the lake. I would jump off into the water. I know you would sit there at the top, yelling at me." Offended, but knowing how true his statement is, I defend myself anyway. "I would jump too." He shakes his head at me. "Ok, so we jump together. Just make sure you jump far so you don't hit the rocks. Oh, and keep your legs together." Then its my turn to shake my head at him. "I'm not jumping. And neither are you." He smiles as if he knew I would say that. "See? The first sign of danger you back out. Why? What are you afraid of?"
I close my eyes, but I can't put my fear's into words, I don't know what they are. I have no answer for him. He grows impatient, "What's the worst thing that could happen from us making out? What do you think's going to happen?" And then I look back up at him, he stands taller then me. "That's the scary part. I just don't know what's going to happen." He looks at me, and I suddenly feel so fragile and his love for me overwhelms me. "You have to take risks sometimes." And I nod, hoping that's enough.
He looks at me, and I get lost in his beautiful blue-green eyes. He starts kissing me all over again, and once things start to get heavier, and hotter, I pull away. Again and again. He looks at me, so sad, so confused. And I can't help but want to cry for the sadness in his eyes. I wish I could change the way I am. We have a long-distance relationship. I don't know when I'll see him again. And I don't think I left properly. It was our 11 month anniversary.
And now I can't help but see all the flaws I created. All I hear is the confusion in his voice, still waiting on the answers I promised him. Images of the hurt in his eyes, still dances behind my eyelids at night. I hold the clothes I wore close, because they smell just like him. And I cry when I sleep and when I wake, because he thinks that he's the problem. This is an outline of a story I'm contemplating writing..