The Inner Me

So the question has been asked:

What is it like, living with Asperger’s, or Autism, or one of the other conditions considered to be part of what doctors are now calling the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)?

First of all, there is no way this question can have a simple answer. There are many different conditions that fall within the realm of an ASD, and no two people are affected in the same manor. To try to boil ASD down to a single set of symptoms, a single bookmark definition, is to admit up front that one has no concept of what an ASD is, or how it affects those who live within this world.

Consequently, I will focus my attention on Asperger’s, and the effect it has had on my life.

I guess I have always known that I was different from my peers in some way, shape, or form. Not so much in big, life changing realms of what it means to be human, but in the little, minute things that make us all different anyways.

When kids my age were making connections with each other, and learning to socialize, I was becoming more and more withdrawn. Many of the normal developmental markers that develop at a young age, usually between the ages of three and six, such as the ability to befriend others in social realms, did not develop for me until I was much older, some not showing up until I was in college.

I started school at a small Catholic grammar school, and started to fall behind the other students during my second year of school. Through extra work on my part, and help and guidance from my mother, I was able to make it to the end of the third grade with some difficulty, but the important thing was that I made it through.

Things took a turn as I started the fourth grade, and I was falling further and further behind in my studies. Other issues started to pop up, such as falling far behind in my relationships with the other students, and my lack of coordination when asked to complete physical tasks.

I spent much of the first half of my fourth grade year visiting doctors and sitting for numerous tests. I remember traveling to see specialists who worked within the Easter Seals organization, as well as doctors from Children’s Hospital in Boston. I remember flip charts with rows of pictures, and having to choose which ones I thought came next in the pattern.

I distinctly remember one such appointment where I was asked to go through a series of tests; catching a ball, answering questions, tests of physical and mental skills. I remember the doctor had a full head of hair, despite being older than my parents. I also remember him giving my parents some grave news. In his opinion, I would probably not graduate from the eighth grade. And if I did, I certainly would not make it all the way through high school.

It was a powerful blow to me. My mother would not accept it, and took it as a reason to push me harder.

I remember having to switch to a public school shortly after Christmas, and years of special education classes. Once I switched schools, my social life took an even harder hit, as it became increasingly difficult to make connections with others, especially those my own age.

The first few years of public school were the hardest for me.  I can remember coming home at night and being so frustrated that I would collapse on the floor, and kick and fight my way to exhaustion, then finally drop into bed. Transferring schools had made me the ultimate outsider, and I lost what little social safety net I had in Catholic school. The fights got less violent as time went on, but were replaced with a defiance of authority that showed through as a hatred for homework.

Once I reached College things started to even out for me. I started to make friends, and even fell in love. But even with these gains, something kept nagging at the back of my mind.

Over the years, I have been constantly dogged by the feeling that all I have worked for, all that I have built, has been a lie. There are times that I feel as if I am inadequate to be who I am. It is almost as if someone else has accomplished what I claim to have done, and I am just a stand in.

I have developed a number of coping mechanisms, little tricks I use to keep me afloat. For example, I try my best to reduce the stress in my life, and am always deflecting the general actions of others as part of being human. However, when I feel that a person’s actions or criticisms are directed at me personally, I have a hard time controlling the anger that builds inside of me. Not knowing how to constructively get rid of that anger, I sometimes put myself in a position to hurt myself or others. (I have never physically hurt anyone, but fear that I could be able to if pushed to that extreme. Mostly, I lash out with words.)

Another issue arises when I am asked to take in information that is presented to me orally. I often run the speakers words together, causing me to hear a jumble, like the teacher in the Peanut’s cartoon. Consequently, I go out of my way to try to get things on paper. This greatly boosts my retention of the subject at hand. And of course, the physical act of doing gives me even greater retention.

Unfortunately, there are times when pressure builds and I loose control of my anger. At times like these, I look to any outlet I can to release these feelings. It shames me to say it, but I have at times taken this anger out on my family. If it were not for the understanding nature of my wife, and her ability to read the clues within my face, I would have a much harder time to pull through these times.

I have been to the point of total despair. I have thought of ending my life, and then come back from the edge.

Unfortunately, my desire to keep my diagnosis from most of my coworkers and superiors has put me in difficult positions. Often, without even knowing it, someone can say something in passing to me that has the potential to set me off. Most of the time, these comments are in regards to questions about my ability to do my job, or accusations that my deep thought and lost moments are a waste of time.

The hardest thing for me is interpreting hidden meanings and subtexts in conversations held on the fly. I have always been horrible at taking hints, and I often do not understand other people’s body language. Subtle jabs that are meant to be rolled off can often linger, festering and causing extreme negative feelings.

Worst of all, the offending person can often be totally unaware of the consequences of their words. While they forgot what was said moments after uttering their words, they can take hold in my head for weeks, months, and even years afterward. Many times, it takes a positive interaction with the other individual to erase the damage that has been done.

The important thing to know is that Asperger’s affects everyone differently. My experiences are unique, and my symptoms are specific to my case. Not all people with Asperger’s have all the symptoms, nor do they always manifest in the same way.



Asperger’s syndrome in adults has some common characteristics such as:
(I have highlighted those that apply to my situation.)

• Lack of managing appropriate social conduct
• High intelligence
• Anger management problems
• Controlling feelings such as depression, fear or anxiety
• Lack of empathy (partial)
• Inability to listen to others (I tend to get lost in other people’s voices)
• Inflexible thinking (depends on subject)
• Repetitive routines provides feelings of security
• Stress when their routine suddenly changes
• Inability to think in abstract ways (depends on the subject)