--No Clue--

    I feel the cool, hard metal in my hands. I struggle to wrap my head around how powerful something so small is supposed to be.

    I can hear my blood pounding in my hears. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.

    I've been told that before I die my entire life will flash before my eyes. Maybe they were just being overdramatic. Maybe they felt that they had an entire life worth remembering. I do see certain moments...some good, like the first time I touched a soccer ball, my mom smiling the first time I made the Honor Roll at school, my dad and my sister laughing with me at my failed "that's what she said" joke...they're almost enough to make me regret what I'm about to do; they're almost enough to make me regret what I've been planning to do.

    But like I said: almost.

    What follows these good memories push any remorse or fear out of my mind. There's no reason to dive into them...the point is that even the great memories beforehand will never be able to wipe away how I feel now:

    Life isn't worth it.

    Life is full of agony.

    Life is full of cruelty.

    Life is full of innocent people getting hurt.

    Maybe if you're lucky, life is full of numbness, but from what's I've seen it's full of pain.

    Life is just too hard.

    I come back to reality, just one last time. I see the sun reflecting off of the waves of the lake, the tree branches swaying in the breeze; my skin soaks up the vitamin D, my shirt ruffles in the wind. I shut my eyes.

    My hand closes firmly around the foreign object. My arm brings it up to my head.

    I pause...there's no more fear, there's no more hurt. I feel at peace.

    That's when my feel turned into felt. That's when my see turned into saw. That's when my hear turned to heard.

    That's when my world went black.