nearest the end

i sit at houghton house once again. detoxing from methadone and subutex, by far the most painful shit ive felt ever, in the history of how many times ive done this detox thing, nothing has compared to this disgusting episode, muscle spasms, hot cold, hot cold, sneezing, shivers,over and over for almost 3 weeks.
im sitting in the driveway in the only patch of sun that i can find. the gate opens and a vw polo drives in, i see a beautiful girl get out and go into the office. after she has done her business inside, she reverses and i get a good look. a very fimiliar face stares back at me, this is the start of my story of kerry.
i stand in kerrys room playing with a puppy, im actually visiting her older sister, Amy who has been my friend since i knew what a friend was. i stand and look at pictures that are on the mirror. i ask Amy who is this in the white bakini?
thats kerry she says.
oh okay, i try hide my smile.
almost straight away, i find kerry on facebook and we start chatting. straight away, she shows me character traits that i love. shes funny, she likes the same music as me, shes got fire and straight up shes fucking gorgeous. we make plans to go for sushi but i cancel at the last minute, job interview and all that business.
it turns out our first date is at the SEXPO, from the minute i see her i know that i like her, relationship like, sleep in my bed like, i wanna be with you forever like.
i know shes going to be reading this book and i spoke to her the other day to ask if its cool if i use her name, and she said its fine, but i need her to know that i still think about her often and im so sorry for the pain and devastation i caused for you, ill always love you Ke, youre a fucking soldier and you deserve so much more than i could give you.
anyway we went to the sexpo and we hit it off straight away, i was staying in a halfway house so i couldnt see her as much i wanted, but very soon i moved into a sober house and our relationship was on, basically inseprable from then on. i had been searching for a decent relationship for so long, i was going in and out of relationships that were either meaningless, or unhealthy, many one night stands or rehab quickies but nothing with substance till kerry.
i must say i fell for her so hard, i couldnt picture myself with anyone else. as with everything else in my life i fucked up the relationship with drugs.
****
i find myself sitting on my black leather couch, drugs of all sorts stare back at me. the meth in jhb is potent leaving my heart beating twice its usual pace. i dont even know how many days this has been going on for, delusions and border line insanity creep in.
suddenly the door opens, Kerry walks in followed by my mom.
your such a fucking asshole ira, kerry says with tears in her eyes. all sorts of questions are throwen around, most i cant answer because i honestly dont know what to say.
this is just conformation for me because i already know that im a fuck up. im so fucking high i dont actually give a fuck about all this, i just want them to leave so i can carry on using.
the depths of my sickness has sky rocketed to new levels. i had everything, a gorgeous, loving, caring and awesome girlfriend, a new car, a flat, at one stage a job. not to mention my whole families support. i totally fucked this one up, everything is going to disappear so fast. the worst thing of all is i dont give a fuck right now, but the drugs will run out, the cash will be spent and then the unbelievable mental and physical suicide desires will rise, who will help me then, cos by the look of it ive got no-one left.
everyone is gone, i sit back and light a smoke, the smoke swirls in hypnotic forms exaggirated by the afternoon sun shining through the window, i think of the destruction that lies in my wake. my new car is gone, mom took it for the fear that id sell it, cellphone is gone also from the fear i suspect. kerrys gone because she gave me a second chance and once again i blew it. i know when the time comes and the feelings return, the kerry situation will be intolerable. its strange that i keep re-living the rejection and abandonment of my adoption. i go for for highly functional, care taking girls and then ill cause situations that allows them to leave me, bringing up the adoption story.
the sun slips behind the clouds, the tv has been on for three days straight, ive been on my knees for close on 5 hours spotting for meth, even though ive got 18 grams. ive broken 2 light bulbs because the globes got to hot, the small shards of glass went all over the room, so now i have small pieces of glass in my hands from running my hands all over the ground and carpet looking for dropped meth, the obsessional madness is unrelenting. once i get started on something i cant stop. for example if i start drawing as im getting high i wont be able to stop, i once sat with a pen and paper for 18 hours till my hands cramped so bad i couldnt open or close them.

another night of madness begins, i empty the R84,000 on the bed, i lie on it with the baretta and the glock, awaiting the repacussions from shaun. i havnt smoked much thai over the last few days incase i fall alseep and then i wont be ready if shaun does find out where i live. but i desprately need sleep. so tonight is "downer" night. i get the bottle of whiskey out my cupboard, johnny blue, living large. i get one of the bags of thai out the banky, if i remember correctly, there is 53 quaters of thai. i get the weed from the lounge, i roll a fat joint with a whole bag of thai in it. i take a huge swig of the expensive golden liquid folllowed by a massive exhale allowing the kronic and thai to conteract the meth.
when i come too, there is dry blood all over my shirt and pillows and on some of the money. most of the money is now on the floor. the whiskey bottle is empty, there is some thai accompinied by ash scattered around the bed on the sheets, in my hair. i feel the inside of my nose looking for the sourse of the blood, and i find it. this isnt the first time this has happend, ive sniffed enough blow over the years to know when ive over done it and it seems like ive over done it again. i dont even want to try get up. what the fuck am i going to do, i pull one of the bags of thai out and bite it open, i lie back and put the bag at my nostril and inhale as hard as i can. the effects are quick and sudden, instant relief, never fails to do its job. i search for my smokes and find them squashed in my pocket. i smoke, remembering i was playing with the guns here last night and i cant see them anywhere. what a fucking mess, i dont even want to go out into the lounge. no need really i can lie here and just get fucked up again. i lie here in my mess, drugs, money, blood and sweat comfortable as can be. wonder when shaun is coming to get me? i laugh at the thought of what happend two nights ago.
****
got my new car, got a new gun and got some new black clothes on. i wouldnt be doing this if i wasnt desprate to get the cash, im so fucked up. ive been using again. kerry doesnt know, my family dont know, no one besides my dealer knows but it will come out soon especially after this job. ive never done a job alone but fuck it i cant involve anyone, cos all my friends are clean and decent. they not the rubbish, junkie fuck ups like me.

i drive past the house at a snails pace. i dont know how many people are inside, i dont even know if this gat works. what if i need to shoot it and it doesnt work then im fucked, im hoping that the site of this baretta is scary enough, without me having to pull the trigger, i do have a full clip and a spare mag just incase.
i park my car two houses down from the target.
Shaun, the only white drug dealer i have, has been getting bigger and bigger. ive spent three days at his house before over a weekend and ive seen how much cash he is pulling in, i even know where he keeps it. thats his fault for being so sloppy, i wouldnt let anyone know where and how i conduct business.
i approach the house, strapped and fucking nervous as to what i have to do, please G-d dont let me have to pull the trigger. the problem is, unlike sydney no one leaves doors open here, there is a massive gate, electric fences and once over that, burglar bars and heavy locked doors, so i have to go in as myself and once in then i pull out the piece and hold him up, find somewhere to tie him up and then take all his gear and cash.
its beautiful robbing dealers, they cant exactly go to the cops and say ira came and stole all my drugs and drug money.
i phone him as im walking towards his house.
shaun its ira, im outside bro open up.
the gate opens really slowly, im terribly nervous. i throw up in the middle of his drive way.
i walk towards the front door, shaun stands looking at me with a puzzeled look on his face
you okay dude? he says with concern
im sick dude, i hope you got some gear for me, i say not making eye contact.
of course i got gear, just got a new batch last night of real potent thai, if the money is right you can have as much as you want.
i walk up the stairs, we shake hands. as i walk in i give him a bundle of cash knowing that im getting it back soon anyway.
i take a seat on the couch, he goes into his room to the safe to get the gear.
should i do it know or should i smoke abit first, i feel the steel against my hip. i cant do this. just score, smoke some here then leave. fuck that i have to do it, i need the cash and the gear and he said he got a new batch last night which means he's probably got large amounts of everything. Okay here is the plan,
ill smoke some thai to calm myself, maybe have a drink or two then its on.
shaun comes back in with his shoe box, that i know contains a small amount of his actual gear and a small amount of money for change.
what you want bro, he says opening the treasure chest of goodies.
first off give me a quater of thai just to get rid of the sickness, then what else you got ?
i got some meth and some rocks, also i got some pethadine last night, have you ever used peth?
no and i dont plan on using it either.
cool, he throws me a quater i open it up and blast it in two lines.
it does a great job of calming the nerves.
you going to offer me a drink or what? i say smiling
haha, how rude of me, would you like a beer? he says smiling as he stands up
would love one, thanks.
its now or never, i think as he walks towards the kitchen. i quickly open my bag and pull out the cabel ties. i stand up pull out the burner and point it in the direction of the kitchen, i might have to let off a shot so he knows im serious.
my hands shakes, nerves, shoe box, nerves, gun.
shaun walks out, talking about what else i want.
he looks up and sees me pointing the barrel in his direction, hahah funny man he says, but stops in his tracks. i cock the gun and tell him to stop.
are you fucking serious?
i am serious shaun and cos im a nice guy ill apologise aswell, im sorry dude, but i need everything you got, all the cash, all the gear.
now, im only saying this once, any sudden moves and i open this clip up and i leave you full of holes, you understand me ?
why the fuck you doing this, he says looking angry.
im a junkie, youve got lots of drugs and money, why wouldnt i be doing this?
he looks around the room, making me nervous.
i lean over and throw over the cable ties and tell him to tie himself up, my nerves are steady now, its strange that in the heat of the moment the nerves vanish.
he ties himself up. im coming over to check that they are tight enough, as i said you make a move and ill blast you away, this isnt the first time ive done this.
i walk towards him, hold your arms out, i pull the cable as tight as it can go, he winces as it bites into his skin.
okay lets make our way towards the bedroom, remember what i told you shaun, one fuck up and your done.
i fucking heard you ira, he says
dude, you cant actually be angry right now, im the karma for all the lives you are fucking up.
and to be honest i dont give a fuck if your angry.
we enter the room and its actually really neat and clean. shaun this isnt going to be a long drawn out service, im asking you once and once only to open the safe, pack everything into a bag and then we see from there. do we understand eachother?
you going to have to shoot me, for me to open that safe.
bad choice, i quickly allow the piece to get noisy, aiming towards the bed, i fire off two shots and i say, last time shaun and ill shoot you in the foot.
he moves towards the safe.
listen up, you put in the code and you step away, you open that door and ill open up on you, we understand. the chance of you having a piece in there and returning fire is high, so dont be stupid.
i hear the beebing of the safe keys, i aim the weapon at his back.
please dont let him grab that gun cos i will shoot him and i really dont want too.
the beebing stops, i hear the clink of the lock opening.
take a step back shaun, i shout.
he does so, at the moment im looking towards the safe, he passes close enough to make a grab for the gun, the battle begins.
i fucking warned you shaun, the gun slips out my hand and hits the floor with a thud, very quickly i have to make a decsion as to what is the best and quickest way to stop him from getting the gun and killing me. my elbow and his face make swift contact, i feel bone and cartlidge mixing together making a seriously crunchy noise, blood sprays like a giant paintball just exploded on my arm, i kick the side of his legs as hard as i can in the confustion of the injured nose. his legs are brought right away to the left, for one second he is vertical and then gravity takes charge and he is down on the ground. one quick hard kick to the temple and movement stops. im left breathing hard, covered in blood and scrampling for the piece. the safe is open ive got to tie him up as soon as possible.
i run out the room towards my bag, grab it and head back into the main bedroom. i pull him towards the bed and secure his hands on one of the bed posts. he starts to come around, growning and mumbling.
i fucking told you dude, no fucking around. i say this while emptying the contents of the safe into my bag. i cant hide my excitement, i keep laughing as three big bank rolls go in, i giggle more as the bag of heroin goes in, i see a bag with the most meth ive ever seen going into my bag im going to die from all this shit, about 2 ounces of blow follows. the balance is basically 500 MDMA caps, 6 moons and then all these pharamacuticals and what i believe to be Ketamine which i hate so ill leave it here. i dont even bother with the shoe box in the lounge. the need to escape is huge, paranoia takes over. ive got to kill this dude, otherwise he's going to come for me. i stand over him ready to leave. he stares at me, i point the glock at his face, my gun is back in my bag, i like the glock better. my hand shakes.
he doesnt even blink or beg or anything, i see the revenge in his eyes as he stares at me. pull the fucking trigger ira, the thought repeats over and over. i shake, sweat forms on my head, heart beats so hard i can see the movement in my tummy. PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER !!!
****
the memory of if i actually shot him is kind of faded, but the fear i felt yesterday of him coming to get me is very clear so i couldnt have shot him, but what about the blood all over my shoes and shirt. and there is a bullet missing from the chamber of the glock. im not a murderer dude, couldnt be. so why hasnt he come for me yet? where is he? what did i say before i left? i cant remember any of those details of the last few minutes. almost like i blacked out.
never fucking mind that, i need some liquid, i stumble out of the bedroom towards the kitchen. i think theres oros in the fridge i fucking hope so. bingo, a full bottle of oros mixed water, i grab it and head back towards my death pit. i need the toilet, i pray i dont piss blood like before when i had kidney failure, its one of the first signs that shit is seriously wrong. i drip two drops and see the dehydrated colour is normal, thank fuck for that, i unleash all the whiskey and toxin into the bowl. back in the bedroom i throw the duvet on the floor, followed by the pillows, i grab the corner of the sheet and dust off the remaining cash, heroin and ash. a cloud like i just through powder in the air engulfs the room. wow i just wasted so much thai. my care factor is zero at the moment ive still got shit loads of gear. this isnt going to last much longer, maybe two or three days more and then its over, the usual hospital, detox, cry and meds all of that fancy stuff. for now im still going to hit it as hard as i can. maybe ill be lucky and die, but i usually pull out before that, the fear of death is much worse than the fear of life, it doesnt make sence though, life has been fucking terrifying so far. death couldnt be that bad.
i make the bed up all nice, trying my best to hide the blood stains, i prepare for the ritual that is about to take place. i go into the lounge in search of the lolli, new tin toil, more smokes, crack pipe, and some weed. the shoe box under the bed has a section of all the drugs that ill be using. Crack, meth and thai will be the line up, tsunami i believe it is called. i head back into the bedroom with all the weapons. i open the curtains and prepare all the hits, the meth is in the lolli, i melt it and get it smoking, i melt the rock and put a section of thai on the foil. the meth first, i exhale 3 or four times to expand my lungs, light the lolli. inhale but not to much, i pick up the crack pipe and inhale that, smoke still holding, i quickly cook the thai and inhale that smoke too, i try hold it as long as possible, when i exhale i understand why they call it a tsunami, i fall back not being able to control the reactions. up and down up and down. dizzy, alert, dizzy alert. the urge to throw up is strong, i make my way to the bathroom, but i dont make it all thw way in, i throw up in the shower, i fall onto my knees and repeat the process. i dont even really know whats coming especially when it starts turning pink and then an off red. i lie on the floor wishing i had turned the under floor heating on, it would feel so nice right now. the nausea has stopped as is replaced with the desire for another hit, just like the last. see when i write this it doesnt make sence as to why after such a bad reaction i would want to have another hit and not just a another one but a bigger one, with more crystal, more rock and more thai. what i didnt explain is the feeling besides the nausea. there is nothing on this earth that would be able to compare to that feeling and when i say nothing i do really mean nothing, an orgasm doesnt even almost scratch the surface of that feeling. maybe the soul enrichting stuff like ahving babies and all that would come close but i havnt been privliged to such joys just yet. if God came down and hugged you it would probably be pretty intense, sorry god but i still dont think that you could give me what those three drugs give, in that simple act, inhale,inhale and inhale and here we go, OBLIVION, ORGASM, HEAVEN!!!
the days of using like this seem to float from the time you pass out to the time you come to, there are massive gaps in memory but what i do know is that my body is dying, blood and wierd colours are coughed up, vomited up or just leaked out of my nose. needing help is around the corner but where, when and how?
i put everything inside a black bag and a shoebox and then another black bag, i bury everything in the garden, except enough heroin and weed to get me through the next few hours till i get to hospital.
i leave the flat with both guns, two full clips. three joints and six quaters of thai. i head to Dr Setzer, my old family doctor, to ask what i should do.
he checks all my vitals, dehydration, kidney and liver swollen, holes in my soft palate, blood and scabs on my throat, heart rate is double. in reality he tells me body is going to shut down in a day or so if i carry on. i want to leave and finish the gear but that doesnt seem to be an option hospital is needed urgently. i promise ill go phone someone to pick me up and take me to hospital. he pleads that i really do that cos i will die in a day if not.
i go to the public phone and call the only person i know will help me.
hello,
hi im sorry to call but i really need a lift to the hospital
im really sick Dr Setzer says ill be dead in two days if i dont get to the hospital today
thank you so much kerry.
i have to wait two hours for kerry to come get me, so i go back to Dr setzer, there is along line in the waiting room, to the bathroom i go. bag of thai, nostril, sniff, other nostril, sniff, bag gone. take out another bag and repeat the process. i wanna go home and pack a bag and finish the gear and get rid of the guns so ill just pop my head in the office and tell him, i knock on the door and poke my head in. Doc sorry to interupt but i got a lift, just wanted to tell you that ill be there within two hours.
okay ira, ill phone Dr Sussman and let him know that youre coming.
a tear drops down my face, thank you i say and turn to leave.
Ira i hear his voice coming back at me,
Yes, doc
its enough now, youve had a good run. just make the right decisions please and take care of your self.
i will doc. thanks again i say not making eye contact.
im starting to feel and at this time that is totally unacceptable, with this much gear in me, feelings should really be non existent.
on the road home, my care factor for anyone seeing me blasting thai is zero, i walk down the road, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff. i light a joint and smoke it like a ciggerette also not caring who see's or smells. i get to the drive way and throw away the remainder of the joint. one hour, forty minutes till that beautiful girl comes to get me. so as usual there is a plan to use as much as i can till she gets here. i jump into the shower, but not before i have a hit, i do still prefer to smoke heroin than sniff it so the tin foil is taken out. i shower and dress, pack a little bag with some clothes and PJ's. i make a cup of coffee with no milk followed by a couch sitting mission, i empty all the thai on the glass table and get lost in an almost frenzy of a using session, since this is probably the last time im going to use. the fear of overdosing doesnt exist, death is welcome to make an appearance. plus my tolerance has never been this high before, so the chance of an OD is very slim. i have a massive hit, probably one of the biggest i ever remember having and staright away i projectile vomit all the coffee all over the floor. that seems to be a running theme in heroin use, vomit, scratch, drool or sleep.

the buzzer on the gate goes off, there is still a fair amount of gear left, probably in hind sight too much to sniff in one go but it is the last time and all that so ill blast it anyway. i smash it and head to the bathroom, i vomit again, i stumble and fall, that fucking sinking feeling is happening. i cant focus my eyes, almost feel like im watching myself disappear through the tiles and floor. next thing kerry is standing over me.
Ira what the fuck is going on, she says seeming panic striken.
i think im dying babe, kerry, sorry youre not babe anymore i guess, i say feeling the warm liquid running out my nose. is it blood, snot, or my brain leaking out?
i touch it as kerry grabs a towel and puts it over my nose. blood it is
ira really what must i do? im freaking out here, please dont die!
i wont die, just need a few minutes to gather myself.
i sit up and then as quickly as it came it leaves, i feel fucked but not to the point that im going to die.
i stand look in the mirror, wash my face and then i say okay ke. im sorry im fucked up, like really bad. we better go before that happens again.
we move towards the lounge, my head spins, i run back into bathroom and throw up again.
fucking hell this is getting abit to much, i think to myself.
i take my little bag off my bed and head to the front door. i lock and step into the sun light, i feel fucking revolting, i hope i dont vomit in her car. i get in, she looks at me with those beautiful eyes and shakes her head.
you look like shit, she says while reversing.
i know i feel even worse trust me.
i feel the sinking feeling creeping up as we drive out the complex.
ke, i say through mumbles.
ya, she says. the next look is of shock and horror.
IRA, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING? YOURE FUCKING BLEEDING OUT YOUR NOSE AGAIN AND WHY DO YOUR EYES KEEP ROLLING BACK LIKE THAT?
i mumble a few words that make no sence, like everything, too, and sorry.
im lead to believe that i passed out, i bled all over myself. kerry slapped and hit me trying to wake me. she cried and screamed for me not to die.
at the time i never take someone telling me that your going to die seriously, even though i pumped enough toxic chemicals into my system to take down an elephant, and that isnt an exaggaration. i realise now just how many times i came that close to death. that day in kerrys car i basically overdosed, but not enough to stop my heart from beating.
i do really wish that things had gone differently for me and her, she is an unbelievable women and in so many ways i wish i could find someone just like her, cos that chance of me and kerry is long gone. she is engaged to someone, who i pray to G-d will love and take care of her the way she so deserves.